Bachelor Ben recap: The women (and a chicken) tell all
Bachelor Ben Recap — Women Tell All
We’ve been watching The Bachelor for 20+ seasons. Everyone knows that the “Women Tell All” episode is notorious for including the following:
- Lots of cleavage.
- Major eyelashes.
- Women wearing tiny skirts, that barely cover the nether regions, who are encouraged to sit in translucent chairs.
- Tans that come from a bottle.
- That girl in the back row who talks the entire time, yet you don’t remember her from the show.
- The one that can’t stop crying.
- The villain.
- The victim.
- The sweet one vying for the coveted position of the next bachelorette.
- The crazy one that is inevitably invited as a guest on Bachelor in Paradise.
- The blooper reel.
- Our Host Chris Harrison forcing those in the hot seat to sit in long, pregnant pauses.
- A declaration of love and devotion.
Yet never, in the years have I been watching this show, has that list included an agitated chicken.
— The Bachelor (@BachelorABC) March 8, 2016
God bless the Chicken Enthusiast for bringing Sheila to the set. Thank you Shelia for being the comic relief of a pseudo-boring episode. I hope you get to go to Paradise, even if your handler has to stay home. And I hope that Jorge doesn’t accidentally serve you for dinner one night.
Here are your top 10 moments from The Bachelor’s “Women Tell All.” Enjoy!
Campaign Trail for Mount Rushmore Status
Harrison and Ben take a tricked out bus so they can travel around Los Angeles to crash watching parties. This is great reconnaissance for the rest of us to solidify everything we need for next week’s finale. If you don’t have the following, make plans to secure these party items before the big day:
- Baby in a onesie with #Mrs.Higgins on the back
- Lots of wine and beer
- Pajamas displaying whimsical farm animals
- A cake with Our Host Chris Harrison’s head on Brad Womack’s body
- More babies
- Some sort of point system or Bingo card for all the men you will drag to the party who need an activity
- Red roses and candles
- A selfie stick
- Girl in a monkey suit
Truth is in the Eye of the Beholder
You remember Leah, right? She’s the one who isn’t semi-finalist Lauren. She’s also the one who threw semi-finalist Lauren under the bus. Harrison makes Leah defend herself from the comfort of her Lucite panel seat. But first, he reminds the audience of Leah’s treachery. TO THE VIDEO!
OHCH: What gives Pinocchio? That bald-faced lie, which you can’t deny because I just played the clip, seemed out of the blue. Care to explain yourself?
Leah: The producers made me do it.
OHCH: Try again.
Leah: I was upset when I didn’t get the one-on-one and had to take matters into my own hands. I didn’t intentionally lie.
Even Sheila wasn’t buying that line. Becca practically laughs in her face. Leah will not be joining half of the future cast of next season’s Bachelorette over in Paradise this summer. They prefer crazy over morally compromised.
In the words of Madonna, “Who’s that girl?”
The girl in yellow on the back row with the plunging neckline that I’m quite confident exposed her areola once or twice is Jami. I did the research y’all. She was really on the show. She had a lot to say to Jubilee with Amber and Shushanna flanking each side. The altercation? Jami claims that Jubilee deemed herself as the “full black woman.” And I don’t mean her figure. Jubilee couldn’t remember this tiny detail until 12 other women on the panel confirmed that she indeed played the “full black woman” card on more than one occasion. When the moment escalated into a diversity talk, Harrison invited our favorite Army sergeant into the hot seat.
The Commander Goes Commando
Jubilee never wears panties.
Now that we have that out of the way, we can concentrate on the fact that Jubilee not only owns the label of “full black woman,” but also the “controversial contestant.” She feels that she’s hard to love. She apologizes once again to the girls and gets a “you’re forgiven” air kiss from Amber in return. Our Host affirms her in every way possible before giving her props for being bold enough to stir the pot. He holds his own pot stirring stick as he dismisses Jubilee and invites Lace into the hot seat.
Lace arrives in her signature lace dress that most of us would wear as a shirt. Harrison makes her sit through a reel of behind-the-couch-cushion footage, including the “I’m not crazy” and “You never looked at me once” moments we’d all like to forget. A rando from the audience shouts that Lace is crazy — crazy beautiful. Then he whips off his shirt to reveal a tattoo of Lace on his ribs. He begs for a picture and Harrison allows it. NO TOUCHING. The pasty guy goes home with a sweet memento from season 20 and Lace leaves with a ticket to Paradise. Lace on an island with a bunch of dudes and endless amounts of alcohol? Yes please.
Smart Things are My Jam
Olivia gets points for wearing a pant suit. She’s already displaying a more ladylike demeanor. She lands in the hot seat with a dignified smile and a few tears glistening in her eyes, ready to defend herself. Naturally, Harrison plays an “Olivia’s Greatest Hits” clip which showcases her pompous attitude. She apologizes to Amanda for the Teen Mom dig. She smiles when Jennifer tells her, “We like to read books and talk smart things too.” Olivia lets the tears flow when she reminds the panel of women that they talked about her breath and her toes on national television. People felt sorry for Olivia for five seconds before the twins launched their own attack from the front row. Twin chastises Olivia for daring to besmirch her affinity for short and tight things. Olivia claims she never said any such thing.
— The Bachelor (@BachelorABC) March 8, 2016
SHE LOOKS GOOD IN FREDERICK’S OF HOLLYWOOD OUTFITS! DEAL WITH IT OLIVIA!
Olivia turns her face to Harrison, begging him to rescue her from this torture. He gives her a little blue steal and she collectively apologizes to the entire group for being fabulous.
Team Sex Panther
Caila only had nice things to say about Ben. She was very classy. She’s also rumored to be the next bachelorette. How do we feel about this information?
When It’s Time To Change, You’ve Got To Rearrange
Harrison claps Ben on the shoulder, welcoming his buddy to the hot seat. Immediately he chastises him for being an idiot. Don’t tell two women that you love them, dude! Ben has a reasonable explanation — he compartmentalized his relationships with Lauren and JoJo. He did love both women. This answer bores Harrison, so he tosses the hot potato to Caila. Anything you want to say? Caila thanks him for being genuine and honest and allowing her to open up her heart for the first time in forever. PS: Did her moss/tree conversation prevent them from moving forward? Ben gives a diplomatic answer which roughly translates into, “Yes. Yes it did.” She thanks him for being awesome.
Caila tosses the potato to Leah who tries to blame Ben for getting caught in a lie. He calmly points the finger back in her direction and somehow manages not to roll his eyes. She thanks him for being awesome.
Next up is Jubs. She doesn’t understand why Ben supposedly dumped her because she wasn’t a good communicator. Why didn’t he just say that he wasn’t into her like he did with the others? Ben reminds her that she did pull back and barely spoke to him at times. He takes blame, but also wants her to take some blame too. She thanks him for being awesome.
Ben moves on to Amanda and asks how the girls are doing? Amanda appreciates that Ben was emotional when he dumped her on national television. She also wants him to know that every girl died when she saw him running around with her kids. He’s a great catch who will make a wonderful husband and father one day. She thanks him for being awesome.
Becca hops on the train and applauds Ben for giving her the hope that there are good guys still left in the world. She thanks him for being awesome.
“That’s what they’ll call us.”
Ben gave Harrison a “HOPE” bracelet that matches his. I love this bromance so much.
Falls, Bugs and Rum — Oh My!
The blooper reel was too good to recap. I’d prefer for you to watch it in all its glory.
What did you think of last night’s show? Do you think Jubilee and Jami will be invited to Paradise? Is Caila the new bachelorette? Will Sheila get a Twitter account of her own? Sound off in the comments section!