Bachelor Colton Recap: Welcome to the Jungle

Well here we are. It’s week five of Bachelor Colton’s journey and he’s right on track for a nervous breakdown. He’s frustrated with all of the crazy drama that surprisingly has nothing to do with a pageant feud and devastated that there are some women in his potential wife roster who may not be there for the right reasons, right reasons.

What’s a guy to do? How should he handle the pressure?

Taking an outdoor shower in Thailand is obviously step one. Followed by a date with a girl who’s never been kissed. 

Heather is absolutely over the moon when she hears her name called as the lucky recipient for the first one-on-one in Thailand. She may have forgotten to wear a shirt underneath her denim overall romper, but she didn’t forget how to Jump and Straddle(™) right into Colton’s muscular arms. 

The date card invites Heather to experience “something new” with Colton. My initial hope is that the “something new” is a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. The girl is s-k-i-n-n-y. My next thought was a bit more scientific. I wondered how fast the fishing boat could speed before Heather’s hollow bones would take flight. Odds would increase if her long blonde hair formed a sail-like structure.  

Sidebar: after seventeen years, we’ve been through enough seasons for someone on set to have an endless supply of hair ties in a little baggie that is tucked away in his or her fanny pack. When the women are faced with a convertible, go cart, boat, large animal one may ride, roller skate, ocean wave, hot air balloon, bungee jumping platform, or hole with which to spelunk, one should be offered a rubber band. Get your head in the game, ABC Intern. 

Good news: Heather makes it to the floating marketplace without a hitch. She is super excited to walk around, practicing all of the moves she read in Cosmopolitan magazine that’s sure to make a guy want to kiss you. She bats her eyelashes, licks her lips, leans, and puckers for absolutely no reason.

Colton: This is such a cool place! I’m having a great time.
Heather: Yeah. (eyelash eyelash) I’ve never had this much fun!
Lincee: I’m guessing not since prom. 

Later that afternoon, Colton and Heather take in the scenery. There’s a lot of talk and proclamations that the moment when she’s kissed will be completely natural. Because nothing says “completely natural” like sharing a lip lock for the first time on national television. Colton begins to fold under the pressure and clams up when Heather sporadically “mmmmm hmmmmm’s” over and over again. She doesn’t look anywhere but his face, his lips, his teeth, his tongue. 

Thanks for that zoom shot, ABC Camera Guy. We get it. A kiss is about to happen. We called it on episode one.  Everyone calm down.

Colton plays the game and really builds up the pending kiss. Instead of getting it over with, he takes her to dinner and asks her about her past relationships. She gives him a detailed rundown of that one kid she married by the monkey bars in first grade, the boy she square danced with in fourth grade, the guy she was going to gather with in junior high, and the one she met after college and dated for eight months without kissing. 

Heather makes sure that Colton knows it’s not for any weird reasons. It’s not about religion, or just kissing her husband, or waiting for that one magical moment. It just hasn’t happened for her. Like is virginity. They are the SAME. But if he’s willing to try new experiences in Thailand, so is she. 

Again, EVERYONE CALM DOWN OR I WILL LIVE BEHIND MY COUCH CUSHION FOREVER. I CAN NOT HANDLE THE AWKWARDNESS. I’M FIGHTING THE HIVES WITHOUT ALL THIS NONSENSE. HELP ME JESUS.

Colton hands her the rose and invites her to walk on the beach. This is when I noticed that Heather has managed to wear a dress that has sleeves, but no back. It’s a feat of engineering that deserves a shout out in this recap.

This is also when I knew the fireworks were about to go off so she could have this epic moment forever captured on video for future highlights on Instagram. 

But then nothing happened. They just sat there. Staring at the ocean. As Heather “mmmmm hmmmmm’d” over the crash of the ocean waves. I hesitated thinking Colton was going to back down. WHAT IS HAPPENING? WHY AM I SWEATING? WHERE IS THE KISS? WHY DO I CARE? HOW ARE THEY STILL STANDING IN SILENCE? WHY ISN’T HE MAKING A MOVE? NOW I’M COVERED IN HIVES AND IT’S ALL HEATHER’S FAULT.

Suddenly, we hear an earth-shattering BOOM and the fireworks commence. Someone deserves to be fired for making me so anxious for so long, but that’s neither here nor there. Colton takes control of the epic moment, grabs Heather’s face and positions it in the perfect kissing position.

And he kisses the crap out of her. It was respectful and sweet. 

Heather returns to the cabana and everyone is super excited to learn that her career is no longer listed as “Never Been Kissed” on the official Bachelor roster. She now boasts “Has Been Kissed” under her name and is proud of it. Just when she settles in to give a detailed account of her first time to kiss a boy, which is equivalent to when the rest of us wrote it down in our diaries, Elyse wishes Heather well, stands up, walks out of the room to wander around in the jungle in her best rose ceremony attire. She ends up at Colton’s door. 

Y’all, Elyse is gutted. Just GUTTED, but looking great in her statement dress. She tells Colton that she’s not herself and that this whole “dating multiple women” business is just not her cup of tea. Her one-on-one was ages ago and it’s not fair that she has to share her boyfriend with others. Especially when she hears that their connections with Colton is about as strong as hers. How can that be? They are MFEO!

She claims she doesn’t know how to compete with other women, yet it’s not about jealously. She wants Colton to just let her go, but he refuses since he’s not a quitter. This profession of truth guts her again, which leads to tears. 

Somehow, the story shifts to Elyse not being able to accept a proposal after only a few weeks, particularly when another woman is expecting that exact same proposal. It’s not fair to make her compete.

I’m going out on a limb here and guessing that Alaska doesn’t have The Bachelor and Elyse’s cool American friends she met at summer camp signed her up for the show. It’s the only explanation.

Colton is just as confused as the rest of us when Elyse dramatically announces that she does not want this. She gets up off the couch, heads to the door, and hugs him while whispering, “You’re breaking my heart.” 

Question: Does Elyse really want to leave because she can’t handle the circumstances? Or is this all a way for her to exit with a highlight reel she can send to her agent? Why else would she choose to wear a white gossamer curtain with nothing but Kirpa’s chin bandages to cover up her naked bits and pieces underneath? Something is off. Would you agree? 

Finally, my favorite part of the night rolls around. It’s video testimonial time!!! Colton looks rough. He’s had a hard day. It’s the morning after his one-on-one with Heather and his breakup with Elyse. He’s a mixed bag of emotions, which is evidenced by his inadvertent burping and insistence of picking something out of his teeth. I’ll allow it since he looks so forlorn. 

There’s no time to brood. He’s got a day full of jungle activities prepared for the ten other ladies who didn’t get all dolled up just to leave him for reasons that sound made up. Demi, Caelyn, both Hannahs, Sydney, Tayshia, Kirpa, Havana, and Onyeka would be so disappointed if he cried the entire time he ate worms and drank bamboo water.

The gang leaves the hotel to traipse the wild jungles of Thailand. A dude named Joe teaches them how to survive in the wilderness by eating bugs, hunting scorpions, fishing for eels, and holding pythons. Colton was deathly afraid, but he held the big ole snake. Does that count?

Sure it does. 

Joe divides the women into three groups and suggests Colton scavenge for food and water with Team 1. Team 2 is mad, but Team 3 takes a different tactic. Instead of getting dirty, Demi and the Hannahs hitch a ride back to town. They order a hearty lunch and relax with a mai tai while they wait for their to-go bags. Demi deems they are “thinking smarter, not harder.” 

While Team 3 liquors up, Team 1 whisks through their challenges, thanks to the help of strapping, muscular Colton. Since there are only a few items left on the list, Tayshia suggests Havana and Katie go off in one direction to find elephant poop, while she and Colton spend some quality time together among the bamboo. She grabs his hand and heads off without a care in the world.

Bold move, Tayshia. Especially when she makes out with Colton right there in plain sight of Havana and Katie. Think smarter, not harder indeed.

All return to find Joe in the middle of the jungle and present him with their findings. Team 1 has some nice grubs and water. Fabulous. Team 2 found a banana leaf and some edible bark. Yum. Team 3’s backpacks are full of cheeseburgers and champagne. BURN!!!

Joe finds this hilarious and gives the girls high fives all around for completely breaking the rules and not having a care in the world. Demi saunters over to Colton and gives him a bite of her yummy, greasy, delicious cheeseburger to wash away the remnants of worms and leaves in his mouth. Demi is an angel and that cheeseburger is heaven. 

She’s a genius. 

That night at the cocktail party, after proving that she could survive a zombie apocalypse, Hannah Beast professes her true feelings for Colton and tells him that not only is she falling for him, but she’s falling IN LOVE with him. All of this honesty must be what’s clearing up her face. It’s either the lack of stress or she started borrowing someone’s Proactive. 

Onyeka confides in Demi that Elyse pulled her aside before she left in her statement dress that Havana may not be here for the right reasons, right reasons. In fact, she’s here to leave Miami. Demi of course encourages Onyeka to spill the beans to Colton IMMEDIATELY because he deserves to know. Because they care. Duh. 

Onyeka pulls Colton away to give him the disturbing news, reminding him that Elyse is a standup, well-dressed person who has no reason to lie. Instead of being upset, Colton is concerned that he is no longer able to trust his gut when it comes to who is here for the right reasons, right reasons. He must confront Havana.

Colton: Hey, Demi told Onyeka to tell me that Elyse said to Onyeka that Ferris passed out at 21 Flavors last night.
Havana: What?
Colton: Are you here to find a ticket out of Miami? That’s what Onyeka told me. 

Havana has every right to lose her mind since this is a LIE of the greatest proportion. How do we know? Because at the exact same moment, Onyeka shares with the group that she is the bigger person and told Colton that Havana is just here to get out of Miami. Tayshia speaks up and says that this is untrue. She was a part of the original conversation and Onyeka has just spread a huge lie. 

Onyeka looks unfazed. Simply because it’s not her story to tell. She’s just relaying the warning as Elyse instructed her to pass along. This is not on her. 

Except it is. Havana is a hot emotional mess and demands to have a thirty minute conversation about the ordeal. Thankfully, Colton walks in and hands the rose to Hannah Beast for telling him that she is in love. 

FINAL ONE-ON-ONE

Part of me wants to write that Cassie and Colton made out the entire time on a deserted island without shade or water. 

You know what? That’s exactly what happened. Add a little Cinemax After Dark music in the background and you have the entire date, including a very slow Lift and Straddle® in the water. 

At dinner, Cassie asks Colton how he handles everyone knowing everything about everything. PS: She’s not a virgin, so how is she supposed to manage her extended family finding out on national television. 

Colton’s wise advice is to be proud of who you are and own it. Then he makes Cassie promise that she will always share all the feelings with him. 

Then they make out in his bed for the next thirty minutes while we all watch. 

She’s totally going to win. He likes her A LOT. 

ROSE CEREMONY

Tayshia feels that she must step up her game at the rose ceremony. Her kiss may have been powerful in the jungle, but nothing can compare to two all beef patties nestled in a bun slathered in cheese or Hannah Beast dropping the L-bomb. She goes full Rapunzel and lights a lantern on the beach, makes a wish with Colton, and watches as it floats over flammable indigenous vegetation. 

Demi gives him trust rings and promises to protect him. Presumably by her harsh words since physicality isn’t her strong suit. Kirpa checks his teeth. Bless it. 

And Havana pleads for Colton to understand that she is here for the right reasons, right reasons. She doesn’t want a boyfriend or an Instagram husband. She wants HIM. Miami is her life and she would never betray her homeland. Also, Onyeka is the worst. She’s a bully and is mean. She doesn’t see Colton with someone who is so awful. 

Colton looks like he’s about to lose it, but pushes through the anger for the sake of the show and asks for a private audience with Onyeka. She denies everything Havana said about her and reminds Colton that Havana is the one who is in the wrong. 

In need of a pallet cleanse, Colton heads to Katie for a breath of fresh air. Unfortunately Onyeka and Havana begin to argue in a “one up” fashion that is so dramatic and intense, it makes me want to fast forward. So I do. But Colton doesn’t have the luxury of skipping ahead in life. He has to see what all the commotion is about because his contract says so. 

Bicker, bicker, bicker. It’s so petty. And annoying. Colton sits down to see what all the fuss is about, invites them to KEEP WORKING THROUGH IT, and they do. 

Morons. 

Colton leaves and walks down toward the beach. Onyeka runs to talk to him but she is brutally rebuffed. Colton wants to be alone! Havana hears this request and runs up to be with him since being alone means having a needy, clingy woman attached at the hip who is crying about a bully in the tricked out cabana in Thailand. 

It’s all too much. Colton can’t take the pressure of having so many women loving him and pretending to love him at one time. Especially when all he wants to do is lay in bed with the girl who both gave him a box of fake butterflies and gives his tummy real butterflies. 

Sadly, we end the episode without a rose ceremony. We see Colton walking the beach in distress, unable to control his emotions. His actions are as mysterious as Kirpa’s chin injury. 

Photo By: abc.com

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Kelli
Kelli

Evidently, Kirpa got the injury trying to be basic and take a selfie of the sunset on the beach. She slipped on some rocks. Instead of being basic, she should have been extra. That way she wouldn’t have 5 stitches in her chin.

Diana
Diana

I thought it was odd that Kirpa had this big piece of white gauze on her chin and no mention was made of what happened. And they make flesh colored bandages…very strange. Thanks for clearing up what happened.

Laurie

Flippin HILARIOUS as usual. All I could think of while watching this ridiculousness last night was…..Green Beans is going to be priceless!!! You never fail to deliver. A little disappointed that the other Hannah (aka “Home” ) hasn’t gotten more attention. She’s adorable and always so calm.

Leslie
Leslie

OMG! As I read the recap, I thought this paragraph is the funniest. Then I read the next one. Then the next one. You get it, I LOL’d through the whole recap. Wonderful! I was sad to see Elyse leave but she was much more elegant than the rest of this tribe.

Toointothis
Toointothis

Me, too, me , tooooooo!!!! This whole recap was so funny!!! Thank you, Lincee. You make this crazy show so very fun to watch!! 🙂

Crystal
Crystal

“And he kisses the crap out of her.”
Priceless.

JimJ
JimJ

I would start by saying that episode I largely yelled at the flat screen.

Elyse – I completely bought her story – I can’t do this anymore. She was crying, sweating and lovely all at the same time. Where is Juan Pablo when you need him. “EEt’s okay, don’ worry. (A minor adjustment of her hair.)” Colton has no game. He just grabbed his face and moaned. He let a wonderful woman slip though his virgin fingers.

Demi – One of the very best . I’m not sure she is wife material, but as a contestant – Awesome. Clearly, the next Bachelorette. To Onyeka, “You have to tell him. It’s you job. He needs to know.” The messenger always dies. As Onyeka is walking to her fate, I’m saying, out loud, to nobody, “No, no, no, go back don’t do this.” But no. Onyeka self-immolates.

And then as a bonus, Demi gets the beautiful and fiery Nicole to commit sati. Nicole starts by clarifying and then says, “And…” NO, I yell, you were good and now you have slipped into the drama zone where gameless Colton knows not how to tread. Poof. I think both are toast. Meanwhile Demi, is steepleing her fingers and counting off two more opponents. Well done, Demi.

I think Hannah Bama is as fake as a $4 bill, but her twin, Caelyn, seems genuine and real.

I think that Hannah (FIR) and Cassie are the frontrunners, but I am rooting for the exotic Katie to show up.

I am going to give Sidney a pass for her awkward weed-whacking segment. She was trying to stand out, but it was cringeworthy-bad. I give her points for the college try. She is better than that.

Thanks, Lincee, as always, for a wonderful recap.

I have to go and Windex my flat screen.

Mary
Mary

I thought the same thing about Sidney. Don’t go into the locker room. Keep it classy, Sidney. And he didn’t even get it!

Jen
Jen

My husband thinks he got it and was making her regret it by just playing dumb. Which is hilarious if true!

tracee
tracee

Hannah reminds me of Yul Brennar in the original Westworld. I can barely watch when she is on camera.

Reba
Reba

I remember your trauma during Becca’s raft foray in Thailand. There were two gasp moments that were the same for me… When Onyeka filled her canteen with the water from the stream (amoeba’s!!) and then on that mangy blanket covered boat going to the private mini sand bar. just Wow, Cassie is being way to low maintenance. Also… I was really questioning Heather who has not been kissed “by a boy”… who could throw herself into a straddle with her private parts firmly imbedded in Colton’s abs??? IDK… maybe she has kissed some non boys.. ahem.

BA77
BA77

As soon as Nicole said “But” I was like, NOOOO!!! Quit while you’re ahead! The whole thing brought out the worst in both of them. And Tayshia was correct – why wouldn’t she confront Nicole about it?

AND, so weird that Elyse had such a different take on the conversation than Tayshia. I like both Tayshia and Elyse – they both seem mature and have their heads on – but they walked away from the conversation with different interpretations. I wish Elyse would weigh in… I bet she will on GTA.

Lisa
Lisa

I liked how Onyeka said “I’m not spreading rumors, I just told him what I was told.” I’m sorry, and the definition of a rumor is…?

Janine
Janine

The burgers? Priceless and SO Demi. But puleeez, these girls are acting like they’re in high school with the calling out and she said-she said drama!
You beautifully nailed it, as always. I anticipate Wednesday more than Monday!

tracee
tracee

Why on earth would anyone want a guy they like to think of their …….and having…..as weed whacking…gross…crass…disgusting and so not funny with a simple guy like Colton

Roya
Roya

I’ve loved and read your recaps for years – you’re incredibly funny! But, can I share one small concern? Is it necessary to make comments on the women’s appearance? Things they likely cannot change, like their acne (Hannah) or their skinniness (Heather). Would you ever make the comment that someone should put down the fork and spoon and get to Jenny Craig stat because they were overweight? Of course not. Imagine if these girls were reading your recap or if someone wrote criticisms about your body for everyone to read. I just personally think that as women, we should be a little more encouraging of each other. : )

BA77
BA77

TBH I noticed that too, this recap! And Lincee, I LOVE your stuff. But I noticed and wondered that too this time…

Sunny
Sunny

I was hoping this would not turn into a politically correct forum. Lincee, please say whatever you like!

Patrick
Patrick

Exactly met sentiments, Sunny.

If this blog bothers you, don’t read it. Find something that suits your sensibilities.

Becky Wilson
Becky Wilson

Oh geez. This is a lighthearted blog and I LOVE everything Lincee writes. Please don’t change a thing. I agree with Patrick…..if it bothers you, then don’t read it.

Allia
Allia

Political correctness warriors strike again. Just a thought: what makes comments on appearance so much more offensive than describing all the nonsense that these girls say and do on the show? If you really think about it, isn’t the whole show about putting people up for other people’s guilty entertainment pleasure? Are we not all hypocrites here? Come on…

Eh?
Eh?

Good point Allia. And to answer Lindsay’s question about Elyse, I think she dressed to the nines in the (faint) hope of luring him away from all that. That’s why she was so devastated, she really didn’t want to “break up” with him.

DonnaMarie
DonnaMarie

Totally agree, Eh?! Elyse screwed the pooch and then couldn’t get out of it. Lyncee’s take on it was hilarious, “going out on a limb that Alaska doesn’t have The Bachelor” hahaha!

Maribeth Joyce
Maribeth Joyce

Oh come one…she apologizes at the beginning of the re-cap for offending anyone. Linsee is just saying what we were all thinking. Besides, she makes fun of everyone equally.

Maribeth Joyce
Maribeth Joyce

This show is so ridiculous the only reason I watch it is to laugh along with all of you!

I don’t blame Elyse for leaving by choice in her “statement dress.” Better than being dumped in it. She should have no regrets. It is obvious to us and all of the women who Colton is going to choose. He is just toying with them as stipulated in his contract.

It is refreshing to see a sweet innocent Bachelor this season. I applaud his ability to “own” his virginity. Much better than bragging about grabbing pussies because he can!

May Colton live happily ever after with Cassie.

Next Bachelorette? Caelyn

Rosa
Rosa

Did anyone else notice Onyeka sweating to death when she was talking to Colton? The intern needed to hand her a towel, stat!!! Her face was dripping with sweat!! I found it funny that a) no mention was made about Kirpa’s bandaid and b) the girls acted like everything was totally normal with Elyse curling her hair and getting all dressed up in heals and walking out. I LOVED Demi and the Hannahs going to get burgers and drinks! Hilarious!!

Meg
Meg

Elyse wore a perfect white engagement gown to go give Colton an ultimatum: if you want to be engaged to me, you can’t be dating other women. So how about you propose now and we end production and send everyone home? But she disguised it (however thinly) as “I just can’t accept a proposal in a few weeks if you’ve been dating other women the whole time.” To her surprise, he called her bluff by not proposing and worse, he offered up not a single concession in order to get her to stay (really, he didn’t even offer her any emotional reassurance, which—even if he phoned in—would have given her some cover so she could actually stay). She never actually planned on leaving, I don’t think; she planned on manipulating him into choosing her now or at least begging her to stay. Her tears and “I don’t want this!” wailing were authentic because this strategic confrontation did not go her way. She couldn’t possibly change her mind after that kind of moral grandstanding, and without even a speech from Colton about their amazing connection!

Rachel Hesse
Rachel Hesse

I’ve watched the bachelor for a long time. Sometimes I get bored (Arie), sometimes dumbfounded (Juan). This season, in my opinion, there are a bunch of spoiled, entitled children all trying to be the one to break Colton’s virginity. Can we get some real men that are possibly over 30? I’m this close, yes this close to cancelling my pvr recording.