Bachelor Colton Recap: Yo ho
I have to hand it to The Bachelor. After twenty-seven seasons, you’d think we would have showcased a pageant scandal on the franchise, but no. Mike Fleiss had to search near and far to find two best friend former beauty queens, willing to go on national television to unleash their inner beasts.
And let us not forget the teeny tiny pirate wench who doesn’t want to be associated with the other yo ho ho’s.
I love this show.
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or that person you stalk on InstaStories happen to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the Starbucks barista who’s obsessed with The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.
FIRST GROUP DATE
Katie, Heather, Hannah Bama, Courtney, Kirpa, Tracy, Demi, and Caylyn
“I’m looking for life’s greatest treasure.”
From the mysterious prompt, the girls decide that treasure hunting will probably involve some sort of physical activity, so they all hop into their Lululemons and coordinating sports bras. To their utter disbelief, the group date is just like Medieval Times, but replace the renaissance attire and friendly jousting with a pirate ship and swords.
Half the girls jump up and down, primp their hair, and reapply lipstick, assuming this is a photoshoot for Captain Morgan. They would be mistaken. It’s a sketchy dinner theater situation with some local thespians trying to score a SAG card and a hunky bachelor who simply can’t act.
He does look like the cover model of a pirate-themed romance novel titled My Buccaneer Body. I’ll admit his physique is attractive. Let’s nix the dialog next time, okay?
The girls head to the back room, presumably to change into something a little more pillage-worthy. The Pirate Show producers didn’t realize that the girls would mix and match all the different wardrobe pieces to create their own version of a pirate wench one might find in the naughty section of Party City in the month of October.
Cover your eyes, dear children! Heather is in her panties and Kirpa’s not wearing a bra!
Our bachelorettes must compete for Captain Colton’s heart. They are forced to participate in a Bachelor version of American Gladiators. If you were born in the eighties, you know what I’m talking about. Two girls standing on a balance beam, waving a large Q-tip in the air with the hope that one will knock the other off. My guess is that they had to do this while shouting, “Shiver me timbers!”
Hannah Bama and Tracy dominate this game. It’s clear they will be the two vying for Colton’s heart at the end. But when Pirate Employee Cindy announces that it’s Tracy and Caelyn who will be competing, Hannah Bama’s eyebrows raise so high, they get lost in her hair.
The arch nemesis strikes again.
Hannah: Everyone I look, she’s there. I didn’t come here to compete in another pageant.
Lincee: Look around, Bama. This is pageant hell. Get ready to burn.
Tracy and Caelyn prepare to fight bad pirates while the rest of the girls watch from the poop deck along with a live audience. Demi takes her turkey leg and flings in onto the stage in protest. No one notices, which make her really angry.
Tracy chokes and Miss One of the Carolinas is the first to rescue Colton. It’s evident that everyone is expecting a celebratory kiss. Well, it’s evident to everyone apart from Colton. Caelyn leans in for her dramatic moment and Colton is clueless up until the second when it just becomes weird.
Their kiss was aco taco at best. #pineapple
At the cocktail party, we find Colton and Katie in a comfortable rhythm talking about absolutely nothing important. I’m telling you people, he likes her.
Meanwhile, Tracy is stewing in her own insecurities as Demi challenges the matriarch with this gem: “If I were an older girl and was surrounded by younger women, I’d be concerned.” Tracy tries to delicately push back but is met with a sharp, “Stop making attacks on me. You think I won’t pick up on your passive aggressive remarks. But I do.”
Then Demi skips over the passive part and goes straight for the aggressive: “I feel bad for you.”
Ladies and gentlemen, meet the craftiest of contestants. Demi has proven she is a master of the mind game. It’s a brilliant move, although wasted on Tracy, in my opinion. If she’s going to undermine someone, shouldn’t it be a contender?
That’s not Demi’s way. She’s too busy thinking about herself and the three ways she can make Colton as uncomfortable as possible. First, she blindfolds him. Not incredibly weird you say? I’ve got two words for you: Bird Box. Second, she spanks him with a wooden paddle. And finally, she takes the hand of a creepy mannequin and does unspeakable things with it in Colton’s bathing suit region.
No, no, and no. #pineapplex2
Later, while Courtney scolds Demi for “her tone,” Colton gets some serious one-on-one time with his rescuer. That means he apologizes for his hella awkward kiss and demands a redo. While he makes out with Carolina on the couch, Never Been Kissed Heather convinces Hannah Bama that she needs to tell Colton about how Caelyn is a fakey fake.
Hannah doesn’t understand the attraction. She is be-muddled. She must save Colton from certain heartbreak.
Hannah: There’s something on my mind that is bothering me and I have to tell you.
Hannah: You know Miss One of the Carolinas and I were besties. We were roommates. Things are intense on the Miss USA pageant circuit. And she just, like, handles stress differently than I do. We had a falling out and haven’t spoken since.
Colton: Is there something I should know?
Hannah: It’s a high stress situation and a hostile environment.
Colton: Was she mean? Manipulative? Fake? Are her extensions cheap? Bad breath?
Hannah: If she is what you want, then you don’t want me.
Lincee: Yeah. Huh? He’s known you for 48-hours. Isn’t this a week eight sabotage move?
Hannah: I didn’t want to say anything.
Colton: Let’s talk about this later.
Hannah: Can I have a peck?
[Colton gives her a one-armed hug]
[Lincee laughs at the blatant rejection. Check her InstaStories.]
The rejection sends Hannah into a tailspin. She gets a severe case of the insecurities and cries on Heather’s shoulder — the true puppet master — as a result.
Colton asks to speak to Caelyn again. Everyone assumes it’s because he’s going to give her the date rose, but he interrogates her instead. What’s up with the pageant drama and can you make it stop?
In a nutshell, Caelyn halfway takes the blame for what just went down. She explains that their relationship did sever, but not because of the hostile environment. It was because they handle competition differently. Caelyn claims she gets quiet while Hannah Bama gets even.
Caelyn goes on to say that there is a lot of history behind the friendship and she doesn’t want to drag it out in the open since this is neither the time nor the place. She his horrified by the situation, sheds a few tears, and sympathizes with Colton’s confusion. She calls the situation uncomfortable and apologizes that he’s been sucked into nonsense.
He rewards her honesty with a rose and leaves the women to stare at each other in uneasy silence.
Demi: Why are you crying?
Caelyn: It’s personal stuff. I don’t want to talk about it.
Demi: You don’t have to share. I don’t really care. Now, raise your hand if you were born before 1995 so we can point at you and laugh.
ONE-ON-ONE DATE (sort of)
“Love is in the air.”
I like Elyse. She seems to have a smart head on her shoulder and is confident in her own skin. Her demeanor reminds me a lot of Emily Maynard when she was on the show. She’s nice, low key, and refuses to engage in any sort of drama. She’s a breath of fresh air in a dumpster fire.
Colton takes her on a helicopter to Belmont Park in San Diego. He’s rented the entire place out for their pleasure. And by “their” he means him, Elyse, the camera guys, the ABC Psychotherapist, the ABC Intern, and a gaggle of young kiddos who are somehow connected to a local hospital.
While gearing up to ride the carrousel, one little darling girl on a pink pony declares her adoration for Colton and even shares that her mother let her watch The Bachelorette. Another girl on a purple seahorse voices her jealousy. “MY MOM WON’T LET ME WATCH IT.”
I’m both sad and proud of these two sets of parents. It’s a complicated emotion.
The elementary girls give Colton some advice on how to properly woo a woman. Apparently all it takes is a little cotton candy and she’s yours forever. PS: Kissing is gross.
Later, Colton and Elyse ride the roller coaster by themselves with only a Go-Cam to document their time together. Colton has the roller coaster stop at the tip top of the first drop and attempts to have a romantic interlude with Mrs. Robinson. Elyse is adequately freaking out and quickly kisses Colton’s protruding tongue before screaming her head off during the decent. This explains the pit stains on her adorable silk tank top.
At dinner, Colton compliments Elyse for being strong, confident, and independent. He’s attracted to her and lets her know it. Elyse tells him a tragic story that helped shift her priorities in life. Her sister was pregnant with her second child and found out she had cancer. She put the baby’s life first and did everything she could to get that baby to term. Elyse’s sister passed away, but her memory lives on in that baby and the charity they built in her sister’s honor.
Colton is undone. I’m undone. He tells her she is unreal and I agree.
It was an incredibly tender moment followed up by this season’s first, “Who is this?” musical artist. Her name is Tenille Arts and she’s Captain’s daughter.
Just kidding. I’m not sure who she is, but she can both sing and look good in a belly shirt. Well done, Tenille. May your Arts be bountiful.
SECOND GROUP DATE
Taysha, Nina, DJ Catherine, Sydney, Onyeka, Cassie, Havanna Nicole, Caitlyn
“For every strong mane there’s an even stronger woman.”
The scene switches to Colton’s personal version of his very own CrossFit gym. He’s topless and between hopping up onto boxes and flinging those heavy rope things, he tells the camera that his wife doesn’t have to be “fit,” per se, but she doesn’t have to be his rock.
Solid. Stable. Short. Blonde. Just your average rock characteristics.
The ladies are clad in spandex again and squeal with glee when they see their collective boyfriend hanging out with his guns in full view. Onyeka is the first off the bus and races to her beloved, crashing into him with the force of five Demis. It was the most powerful Jump & Straddle® we’ve ever witnessed in the history of the show.
Terry and Rebecca Crews are there to help Colton find a wife. A strong, blonde wife. The women are instructed to “warm up” and Sydney plops on the floor so Colton can stretch her out. She’s a dancer, in case you didn’t know, and her leg can go all the way around her head and back again. We also learn that Havana Nicole has zero upper body strength and DJ Catherine knows karate.
Everyone hustles outside. The girls are shocked to see a lovely audience of random LA tourists who paid money to be on a network ABC television show. Fred Willard is there, too. All have gathered to witness the inaugural Bachelor Strongest Woman Competition.
The first event? Pushing a one hundred pound wedding cake through sand. One might think that this would be an easy task. One might be wrong. Unless your name is Onyeka.
The women toss rings, flip tractor tires, and pull a limo. All try really, really hard, but it’s Onyeka who wins the coveted title. She’s very excited about her trophy, although she never used it to chug champagne at the after party.
Colton spends some time with Taysha. I think she’s a dark horse. He kisses her with his lizard tongue. He also bonds with Havana Nicole and loves that her grandmother fled Cuba when she was young. I noticed that Colton is extremely comfortable with Cassie and it’s clear that she’s going to be one of the final four.
And then there’s Caitlyn. Bless her. Colton asks what she’s looking for in a relationship and Caitlyn answers, “I want someone to go out with me and my friends.”
Colton gives her the benefit of the doubt and greases the wheels for his next round of questioning.
Colton: It’s really hard to open up on this show. I get it. I’ve been there. But it’s super important to take down those walls and not get too much in your head.
Caitlyn: Yes. I’ve learned a lot about myself in this experience.
Colton: Like what?
Caitlyn: My life has been good.
Since she doesn’t have a dark memory, dramatic past, or contentious relationship with another person living in the mansion, Colton gives Caitlyn the boot. They have nothing in common. He doesn’t feel a spark. And she deserves someone straight out of college who will party with her and her friends on weekends.
He escorts her to the rejection Uber, returns to the rest of the group, and hands the date rose to Nicole. Havana ooh na na.
We switch to the next morning, where are the girls are sleepy eyed and gunning for coffee. Bri actually speaks and tells the group that “anyone could go at any time.”
Yes, Bri. That is the point of the show. Or did you, too, not know you were in a competition?
Our Host Chris Harrison arrives looking fly to deliver the bad news: there will be no cocktail party. But there WILL be a pool party! HOLLA!
The girls rush upstairs to find their skimpiest bikinis and wait for their hunk to arrive. Colton walks into the backyard with a pesky shirt and Demi demands he take…it…off. He jumps in the pool and splashes all the girls like a junior high boy. Secretly, he’s watching for the ones who “don’t want to get wet.” He labels them “high maintenance.”
Hannah G. is not one of those girls. She’s sun kissed because she didn’t go on a date this week and just hung out by the pool all day long. Colton explains that he knows they have incredible chemistry and that he didn’t need a date with her. She understands and they make out. It was all very mature and the opposite of dramatic or catty.
Speaking of catty, guess who’s irritated that Colton is holding hands with other girls? Hannah Bama, that’s who. And guess who’s riling her up? Never Been Kissed Heather, of course. She promises that before the day is up, her beautiful monster split personality will come out to play. Especially if Caelyn crosses her.
But Caelyn is not going to cross her. Instead, she’s trying to nip this thing in the bud by finally telling Colton the truth: She had to remove herself from the Alabama/Carolina duo. She uses the word TOXIC to describe Hannah Bama and Colton recoils. She follows that statement with, “I never want to throw her under the bus.”
That sound you heard was the bus running over Hannah Bama’s hopes and dreams of ever having a solid relationship with Colton.
Caelyn sums up her monologue by telling Colton that she appreciates the incredibly unfortunate position he has been forced in and that she understands completely how awkward it is knowing this information.
Poor Colton is confused. He likes Hannah Bama. He likes Miss One of the Carolinas. He doesn’t see a toxic personality, yet he’s not sure he can trust his instincts on this one.
He heads over to Hannah Bama to set the record straight. “Are you toxic?”
Hannah Bama: It’s not true!
Colton: Why would Caelyn say that?
Hannah Bama: Because SHE’s manipulative and fake. She will put on a show and give you whatever version of herself for whatever goal she has in mind. She’s not real. It breaks my heart for you. This is me being real and honest. Roll tide.
Colton can’t stand the stress. He walks off and sinks down on the floor in a backstage staging room. A woman tries to console him and convince the poor boy that they had no idea Hannah Bama and Caelyn even knew each other. Then Harrison walks in.
A hush falls over the crowd. The woman jumps up from her chair, offering it to the master. He speaks.
OHCH: What seems to be the problem?
Colton: I’m frustrated because I like both pageant girls.
OHCH: What are you missing?
Colton: I’m nervous that they aren’t who I think they are. I don’t want them to take advantage of me.
OHCH: I’m not sure what we’re doing here. Have you seen Cassie and Katie? Isn’t this meltdown unnecessary?
Colton: Good call, Uncle Chris. You’re the best.
Our Host Chris Harrison leaves to musk up for the rose ceremony. He somehow manages not to laugh at Hannah Bama’s horrific pink ensemble, which is an obvious homage to Pretty in Pink. Caelyn’s dress is an homage to a backgammon table.
Along with Miss Carolina, Nicol, and Elyse, roses go to:
DJ Catherine, Bri, and whoever Nina is are sent home packing. And no one really cares because none of us were invested in any of these blondes. Especially the non-Australian one.