Bachelor Colton Recap: Rocky Mountain Sabotage

Although there was a bit of a “same song, second verse” theme throughout last night’s episode of The Bachelor, I do feel that the producers worked hard to create significant drama leading up to hometown dates.

Let’s begin with the dreaded video testimony. Bless it. Colton is back in his hometown, thankful to have culled his roster down to seven lovely ladies. It should be pointed out that our boy is on the brink of a nervous breakdown. How do I know? Because of his Blair Witch-style videography approach. It was the exact same, except Colton prefers to be shot in color.

  • There’s a light sheen of sweat on his brow.
  • The camera angle is down below his chin, forcing us to look up his nose.
  • The phone constantly shakes as he testifies under his bed sheets.
  • A lone tear falls down his cheek when he remembers Katie, Sydney, and Demi’s warning:

“WATCH OUT, COLTON. THERE ARE PEOPLE STILL HERE WHO AREN’T READY FOR MARRIAGE.”

Colton wants to trust his gut, but it’s full of weird Asian foods that gave him the runs. He ducks out to visit his favorite barber for a fresh haircut and to find a jade roller so he can work some of the extra water weight out of his face. Then he heads over to the local malt shop and bellies up to the bar with Bachelor Nation’s favorite Peter Brady lookalike, Ben Higgins.

Colton verbal vomits all over sweet Ben. Our current bachelor is exhausted in all the ways: emotionally, physically, and mentally. He looks to his raven-haired hero to give him some sage advice. Ben slaps him on the back and demands the youngster BUCK UP. It only gets worse from here.

I like Ben Higgins Brady, I really do. But isn’t the pep talk Our Host Chris Harrison’s job? Is The Hare too busy lingering around red carpet events as the plus one of his Entertainment Tonight hottie girlfriend to mold the minds of young men who don’t have a handle on how to properly juggle seven women at a time? Say it ain’t so.

Meanwhile, the ladies are nervous because they “don’t know where Colton’s head is at.”

A. It’s above his neck.
B. Let’s not end a sentence with the word “at,” okay?

The ladies all walk in a long line, hand-in-hand, down a grassy hill where they meet Colton and his adorably old dog. Colton watches to see which ones bend down to properly introduce themselves to the canine and which avoid Fido like the plague.

To Hannah B.’s defense, she only sidestepped the dog in fear that his paws would snag her ebony gossamer top she purchased from the “cold torso” section of Forever XXI.

Before anyone can steal Colton away to snuggle on a blanket under a tree, Colton announces that the dates are beginning RIGHT NOW. He takes Tayshia’s hand and helps her scale the clover-filed knoll in her high heels.

Six girls stand in a line irritated. The only thing left to do is play Red Rover or fly a kite. And since they don’t have paper and paste, Red Rover wins.

After Colton and Tayshia eat oysters, drink wine, and dine on huge servings of ice cream, the ABC Producers pick the loudest, most acoustically challenged environment for Tayshia to conveniently throw two fellow housemates under the bus.

She didn’t want to throw them under the bus, but she can’t lie to Colton either. There’s a big difference.

Here’s the gist: Colton has been caught off guard that so many women have warned him that some ladies may not be here for the right reasons (right reasons). Who cares about Sydney or Demi. Katie, on the other hand, is a saint. She would never make something up so scandalous. He knows Tayshia isn’t one of the women with whom Katie was speaking (nice move, Colt), but he wonders if Katie and Tayshia ever spoke of the alleged player?

Ironically, at this exact same moment, Cassie and Caelynn snuggle up on the bed to have a girl chat about Tayshia’s date and if Colton would try to figure out who is not here for the right reasons. Both know Tayshia couldn’t say anything about them because SHE DOESN’T KNOW THEM.

Cue Tayshia confessing to Colton that Cassie and Caelynn aren’t genuine contenders. Not only are they already battling it out to see who will be the next bachelorette, but they both said they would reject Colton if he dropped to one knee at the end of this journey. PS: They are already projecting which parties they will hit up after the show and which companies will consider them as worthy potential social media influencers.

This is when the color drains from Colton’s face. He tells Tayshia that he’s terrified of her assessment and that this new unveiled truth scares the SH!$ out of him.

That was not an exaggeration. The next scene shows Colton in the alley behind the very loud local common area bending over, issuing forth the worst sound ever, evidently losing his SH!$.

Tayshia’s not a moron. She’s a twenty-eight-year-old phlebotomist for heaven’s sake. She has to know that she’s currently not a contender, otherwise, why would this news TERRIFY him if he considering choosing her the end? It’s time to turn up the heat.

Colton takes Tayshia to his house. I use “his house” loosely because Colton either lives in a model home, or they made him take every personal thing off the walls and flat surfaces as not to distract the viewers. I will say that the dog seemed comfortable on the couch.

Colton, who loooooooves to cook, makes dinner, teaches the woman who works with needles all day long how to chop, and asks about Tayshia’s family. Newsflash: Her daddy is probably not going to like Colton, so he better mentally prepare now for lots of hard questions. Never fear, though. It’s only because he is protective over her. Daddy wants to see his little girl in a happy healthy relationship. This is good enough for Colton. He gives her the rose and they begin making out.

Interesting. Tayshia is comparing a relationship born from The Bachelor as both “happy” and “healthy.” I think it’s time she cut dairy from her diet.

Colton takes Tayshia to “his bedroom” and points to the bed, claiming, “This is where the magic doesn’t happen.” Did anyone else envision a bumper sticker for headboards? CALL ETSY! I HAVE AN IDEA!

In keeping with the “turn up the heat” strategy, Tayshia steals a conveniently placed football jersey out of Colton’s wardrobe, pairs it with her sensible slacks, and slinks into the bedroom wearing her best sultry face. He pulls her down onto the bed. They may not make any magic, but they certainly do things the memory foam mattress won’t forget.

Tayshia’s going to hometowns, everyone! How do we fell about it?

SECOND ONE-ON-ONE
Following a lackluster Jump and Straddle™ (I blame the altitude,) Colton attempts to teach Caelynn how to snowboard. After multiple crash landings, he puts her out of her physical misery in lieu of mental misery.

Colton: So Tayshia told me that it’s you who isn’t ready for an engagement.
Caelynn: Whhhhhaaaattttt?
Lincee: Look! It’s pageant training at its finest!

Colton: Yeah. She also said that you are vying to be the next bachelorette.
Caelynn: Whooooo meeeeeeee? [followed by animated princess batting of eyelashes]
Lincee: Pull back, Miss Carolina. You’re losing him. Turn on the waterworks.

Caelynn tries to squeeze out a few tears, but the heat from her hidden anger evaporates them before proper weeping can commence. She’s flustered on many levels, but wants Colton to know that she is hundo p ready for marriage. Additionally, Tayshia tells lies.

The camera then switches to a talking head of Caelynn. And we see a side of her we have never seen before. It’s Miss Congeniality’s rude cousin Miss Hostility.

Caelynn: None of that ever BLEEPING left my mouth. I can’t believe my BLEEPING future may on the line because of a BLEEPING insecure twenty-eight-year-old. I better get a BLEEPING rose or I will call that stupid BLEEP out.

To quote my friend Stephanie, the blurred mouth BLEEP is the new modesty black box. Let’s put it into the pantheon with pineapple and pulling a Mesnick.

Caelynn knows she has to make a grand gesture in order to secure her long-stemmed bud. She plays several cards during dinner. There’s the “I hate this is so hard for you” card followed by the “especially before hometowns” card. Then she butters him up with a hearty dose of compliments before dropping “I’m falling in love with you.”

Colton tells Caelynn he’s falling in love with her, too, and gives her the rose. Then they crash country music sensation (is that accurate?) Brett Young’s soundcheck at Red Rock Amphitheater where they “dance” under the stars.

The next day, Caelynn tells the camera that she hates confrontation. The camera immediately follows her to confront Tayshia for throwing her under the bus.

Tayshia’s Defense: He asked me and I told the truth. I never would have offered that information on my own because I’m not a tattletale.

Caelynn’s Retort: I thought we were friends! You are just BLEEPING fake and nasty. And you have no idea what I feel. Only I can know that, you BLEEP.

THIRD ONE-ON-ONE
Hannah Beast is the lucky girl who gets to meet Colton’s parents like it’s a hometown date, but not really. She chooses to wear a crop top on this very important occasion. Hannah B. smiles from ear to ear the entire time, stoked that Colton wouldn’t take just anyone home to meet both sets of parents.

Colton’s face gives it away. Even Hannah B. knows something is wrong, but she remains eager. Just like a baby on the way to the pediatrician.

Since they didn’t ask her to perform a toast, Hannah B. charms the pants off of everyone in the room, spouting phrases like “the experience was appealing” and “good heart” and “world peace.” While Hannah B. gabs all things engagement to Colton’s mom, Colton seeks advice from his dad. Echoing one Peter Brady Ben Higgins, Dad counsel’s his son to buck up and trust his gut.

Dad: It’s a good gut. It’s always been good. Now wipe away those tears and go get her!
Colton: But who is “her?” That’s my problem, Dad. Who do I pick?
Dad: I’m contractually obligated to be vague, Colt, but I say go for a blonde. Not the one in the living room talking to your mother, though.

That night, Hannah B. arrives in my mom’s pink silk robe from 1963. Think Galinda the Good Witch. (The “gah” is silent.) She drones on and on and on about how she loves his family and how she knows they loved her and speaking of love, remember how she already said she loves him? Remember that? Remember?

Colton thanks her for admiring his family, professing her adoration, and dressing like cotton candy. Then he tells her that his feelings do not match hers at the moment. He doesn’t want to shake her father’s hand and ask him permission to be Mr. Miss Alabama.

Once again, the pageant training kicks in and Hannah B. plasters on a smile that sort of conveys she understands and is above such things. Once in the rejection SUV, she curses Colton for not recognizing that she is clearly the best choice. Then she takes the bobby-pins from her hair and punches holes in the voodoo doll of Caelynn the ABC Psychotherapist gives her as a coping mechanism.

See you in Paradise, Hannah Beast! Here’s hoping your boob mic doesn’t show all season long!

GROUP DATE
The leftovers, Hannah G., Cassie, Been Kissed Heather, and Kirpa head on the Hogwarts express to be sorted into houses. Hannah G. is Hufflepuff, Heather is Ravenclaw, Cassie is Gryffindor, and Kirpa is Slytherin all the way.

Two roses rest on a wooden tray in the middle of the wilderness, mocking all four women who sit at watch it in silence. Heather is the first to get some alone time with our bachelor and she immediately removes herself from the equation. She is not ready to take him to her family and would like to take the first train ride back home where she plans on kissing anyone with lips now that Colton has fully opened that can of worms.

Colton is not distressed at all. In fact, he embraces the reality that he has found the one who is not ready for marriage. Hooray! He sends Heather on her way, waving frantically good-bye as she pretends to brood on the back of the caboose.

Now it’s time to have his official come to Jesus meeting with Cassie. Surely she’s not just in this for the InstaFame, right? Colton gives her the skinny on what Tayshia said Katie said and Cassie is shocked. Note that she does not cry any real tears, but she does profess her love for the bachelor and begs him to accept that she is indeed here for the right reasons. And those reasons are love, marriage, and babies. Fur babies or real babies. Whatever he wants.

Colton hugs Cassie and then selects Kirpa, hoping she’ll want to hop the train back home, too, so he doesn’t have to make any more hard decisions. Instead, he gets an earful of how Cassie isn’t ready for marriage.

Oh the horror! Is this news going to scare the SH!$ out of Colton again? Let’s find out…

Kirpa: I don’t want you to be blindsided. I have concerns about Cassie and Caelynn.
Colton: My tummy! It burns.
Lincee: Hold up, Kirpa. Didn’t you say you wouldn’t sabotage Cassie unless he brought it up?

Kirpa: After you gave your speech when Katie left, they acted weird.
Colton: Where’s the nearest bathroom? My gut is retaliating against me!
Lincee: Kirpa seems awfully comfortable in the Friend Zone.

Kirpa heads back to the staging area in the wilderness and lies to Cassie, claiming that Colton asked about Vietnam. They bicker back and forth. From what I gathered through context clues, here’s why Katie, Kirpa, and Tayshia have such a problem with Cassie and Caelynn: When Colton addresses the ladies after Katie’s initial warning, he tells them he is disappointed that three women have alerted him about ladies not being ready for marriage. Upon this news, Caelynn and Cassie both cry.

The tears are translated as red flags. Some women think Caelynn and Cassie are crying because they are afraid Colton is going to find out that they are the guilty party — the women who are not ready. Caelynn and Cassie say they were crying because they thought Colton was going to abandon the show.

It’s a classic case of she said, she said, I don’t care.

Colton decides that this decision is too big to make right now, so he takes the two roses and leaves the three women wondering what’s going to happen next. He wants to head into the evening to continue certain conversations. And maybe jump a fence.

Or not.

That night, the three remaining ladies go to dinner. There are three place settings on one side of the round table and one setting on the other. The women file in and take their spots at the table. Hannah G. is careful to sit in the middle of Cassie and Kirpa. No one looks at another.

Colton saunters in and asks for Hannah G. to join him outside. In an unprecedented move, ABC chooses NOT to show Colton’s conversation with Hannah. Instead, the camera stays with Kirpa and Cassie sitting in the most awkward silence of all time. A good forty-five seconds goes by before Colton returns to GRAB ONE OF THE ROSES!

I may have stood up.

Colton talks to Kirpa next. They exchange their pink notebook, which I assume is some sort of journal back and forth situation, and then they make out. He’s careful not to touch her tender chin.

While Kirpa is attacked by Colton’s tongue, and Cassie sits alone in her crimson romper in silence, Hannah is sent back to the house so she can tell Tayshia and Caelynn that Cassie and Kipra are in a big fight. All hell is breaking loose over in the mansion located just up the hill north from here about a mile on the left.

Caelynn walks up the hill north from here about a mile and enters the mansion on the left. She waltzes by Cassie and Kirpa, straight up the stairs. Neither woman knows what it doing on, but I’m sure someone wants to lose her SH!$.

Caelynn tells Colton that it’s natural for girls to talk other girls down. She would hate for him to send the wrong girl home. Clearly Cassie deserves the rose and Kirpa deserves a swift kick in the chin again.

Colton listens and gives Cassie the rose.

We are heading into hometown dates. Here’s what we know:

Tayshia’s dad will probably hate Colton.
Caelynn may be here for the wrong reasons.
Cassie may be here for the wrong reasons.
Hannah G. is wisely keeping her mouth shut.

Who is telling the truth? Have your allegiances changed? Is Hannah G. in the lead? Or is Cassie still a contender even though she may want to be InstaFamous? AND WHERE WAS THE FENCE JUMP? Sound off in the comments!

Photo By: abc.com

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Kelli
Kelli

First, Kevin was THRILLED that a dog got to star in an episode. Kevin is sorry Sniper doesn’t have an awesome name like Kevin, but thinks Sniper is a good boy and they could be friends. Kevin does not like the tattletales. Tayshia and Kirpa and thinks both should be gone.

Hannah Bama’s dress was more like a dressing gown from the 1980s version of Dynasty. I can just see Linda Evans and her ginormous shoulder pads and lacquered bob in that ‘dress’. Seriously, all that dress was missing was the shoulder pads.

Good to see Peter Brady Ben Higgins. He’s got a new restaurant in town, but I don’t know if that was where they were sitting. And are you really gonna want to take advice from PB, given the horror on his season when he told 2 women he loved them? I think these girls are way too young for the Bachelor. And I think Colton is way too young to be the Bachelor. He’s very angsty and Kevin had to dive under the covers on more than one occasion last night. That’s his version of PINEAPPLE and a couch cushion.

Contrarian
Contrarian

Just a couple of quick observations, in addition to joining Lincee in her abhorrence of sentences ending in at:

1. Already dismayed by all the swearing, I was even more put off when one of the gals expressed her relief at being chosen for something or other by saying “Thank freakin’ God.” Not cool.

2. When the train made its appearance, I was thinking how much I’d love to bring the locomotive home to meet my family. Very cool.

Hannah G reminds me of Bambi. So adorable, so young and doe-eyed. I guess she’s the front runner, but is she mature enough for Our Boy? I have my doubts.

Mike in Colorado
Mike in Colorado

Totally agree on the “Thank freakin’ God” comment – I don’t think I’ve ever heard that phrase before, and will be happy if I never hear it again.

Also, “The ‘gah’ is silent” made me laugh way too loud – well played, Lincee!

Rosa
Rosa

I love that you pointed out Hannah B’s unfortunate outfit in the park w/ the dog! I thought for a minute she had on a black swimsuit top!? And also I was dying at her microphone peeping out of that pink dress. Why on earth would he take her to meet his parents, then dump her? Good riddance Kirpa! Not sure why she was around for so long anyway!? Tayshia tattling is not really showing her best side either. I guess Women Tell All will be very interesting! Hopefully we can find out what in the heck happened other than “Katie said…” I also thought for a minute Tayshia busted in the bedroom with just his old jersey on!! Thankfully she had her pants on too. This whole episode – the women were all so BLAH. They showed barely any interaction with Heather G. I have a feeling the fence jumping is towards the end of the season.

votemom
votemom

Kirpa is Slytherin all the way. word.

Beth
Beth

I have not been a huge fan of Cailynn and her overreaction to all the nonsense was very unbecoming. Or her “I’m falling in love with you” at the opportune time to save her hiney. Just basing it all on the delivery, I feel inclined to believe Tayshia and Kirpa?? Can’t the producers just set the record straight and release the footage showing Cassie and Cailynn talking or NOT TALKING about becoming the bachelorette?! This season has not been my fave and counting down until Paradise!! Yours are the best *funniest* recaps!!

tracee
tracee

Was it just me? Didn’t it sound like it’s all innuendo? Tayshia only heard they said that? Why do these girls continue to talk about each other? Guys hate that
That said….Cailynn needs to go….super phony

Karen
Karen

“Even Hannah B. knows something is wrong, but she remains eager. Just like a baby on the way to the pediatrician.” hahahaha!

p.s. Tayshia’s voice drives me nuts. I can’t tell if she intentionally does the baby talk or is just unfortunate genetics. Either way, it makes her tattling even more annoying.

Ashley
Ashley

Agreed! Cannot stomach her voice!

Julia
Julia

Agree with all you said, Lincee. except one thing. Heather is definitely the Hufflepuff and Hannah G. is the Ravenclaw. She is clever in staying silent as they all burn each other down.

The Campbells
The Campbells

Agree!

Spike
Spike

+1!

Teri

So nice to see my city featured last night! Those two mansions are mere blocks from me. I was more interested in the Denver footage than Colton’s biggest fear or his gut.

Dee
Dee

Which Denver mansions were featured? I was trying to figure out where they were located in the city, but coming up empty . . .

Kelli
Kelli

Dee, the Grant Humphries mansion was where the 3 on 1 occurred. I don’t know what the other one was (and I even live here).

Mary
Mary

I live in Littleton so I was also curious to see what areas got featured 🙂 I was trying to figure out where the parent’s house was located. 🙂

Kelli
Kelli

I think it is in Parker. It looks like a lot of houses in that area.

Leigh
Leigh

Solid Harry Potter reference; loved it! My favorite though was when Hannah Beast knew something was wrong but remained eager like a baby going to the pediatrician – one of your best lines ever! Well done

JimJ
JimJ

I thought Kirpa showed intelligence and thought and seemed different than the other squeaky clean world peace girls. I liked her, but not Coco’s type. Way too logical and analytical.

So hopefully, this will dawn on Colton by hissown self. Two of women who were ratted out by Tayshia, he believed, and are on the hometown train. Maybe, the teller is the problem. I’m not sure our Coco is going to tumble to this anytime soon. Maybe, in the next year, or so, after he has reviewed the show. I am imagining a forehead slap.

Caelynn was also impressive. Swearingwise and successfully completing a self-hail Mary. I thought that, Coco was one breath away from saying, blah, blah, blah, but … and Calynn masterfully pulled out a victory with everything you mentioned Lincee. A tremendous and slightly terrifying performance.

Sweet Cassie is now swimming with the sharks. I like her and think she would be good for Coco, but chum is in her future.

Leaving of course, the lovely Hannah G. She remains regal and above the fray, somewhat secure as the clear favorite.

Thanks Lincee! You do a great job at this!

Yesi
Yesi

Self Hail Mary!

Allia
Allia

Caelynn definitely knows how to play her cards! I see zero chemistry between her and our bach. Cassie seems like a nice girl, but she’s also on a reality show train, which makes me wonder. I don’t know if what Tayshia said was hundo p true (haha! I worked it into a sentence), but I wouldn’t be surprised if it was. The fact that Colton was so hung up on it says that a part of him is also unsurprised.

Deana
Deana

Miss Congeniality’s rude cousin Miss Hostility. That’s what I was thinking or Miss Potty Mouth. Caelynn and Colton drop “F” bombs too often. The dropped “t” is another one that grates on my nerves, Col an instead of Coltan.
There’s an old joke about sentences ending with a preposition.
Two women are sitting next to each other on a flight and the one says to the other, “Where y’all from?” To which the other woman replies , “I’m from a place where people don’t end sentences with prepositions.” And the first woman says, “Okay, where y’all from, bitch?”
I thought it was interesting that all the girls in the house thought Caelynn and Cassie were there for the wrong reasons (wrong reasons). No one seems really into Coltan. Rightfully so. He doesn’t seem very cerebral. Zzzzzzz

Allia
Allia

I’m totally with you on “no one seems really into Colton”. All four of the remaining girls (except maybe Hannah) seem more interested their own drama. I don’t even feel like Hannah is all that into him… maybe things will change in the coming weeks? Tayshia is just filler and she knows it (maybe vying for next bachelorette?).
Lincee, I can’t with the “hundo p”! Too funny

Megan
Megan

Yes! At least two of the women drop the “T” and say, “Col on”; it drives me crazy!

Everytime one of the women wondered about where Colton’s head “was at”, I yelled to my husband, “Why don’t they know that you don’t end a sentence with “at” (or any preposition)??!! It reminds me of the way some of them say, “I’s” instead of “my” , as in, “That is Colton’s and I’s favorite place.” Ladies, take note: I’s is not a word.
Also, I burst out laughing at your joke, and I’m from the South.

I found it telling that when Caelynn and Cassie were questioned about being there for the “right reasons”, neither immediately denied it, but said, instead, “I’m confused.” It seems that an innocent person would have denied it without hesitation.

Barb
Barb

Ha! I have yet to hear one single bachelor, bachelorette or contestant speak in a grammatically correct way. Not one. The “I’s” you refer to above are like fingernails on a chalkboard to me but everyone….everyone say’s it. Grrrrrrrr.

Grammar, please
Grammar, please

The I’s! The I’s! This has driven me crazy season after season.

Donna Marie
Donna Marie

Not to be the grammar police, but rules have changed with regard to ending sentences with prepositions. It is sometimes ok.
https://grammar.yourdictionary.com/parts-of-speech/prepositions/ending-a-sentence-with-a-preposition.html

Karen
Karen

I’m only one paragraph in …..You had me at Blair With Project. Can’t wait to read the rest!

Kathleen
Kathleen

First of all, it seemed like Colton chose Tayeisha only so that he could grill her about the other girls, and I felt this was pretty low-down, even by Bachelor standards. She didn’t really give up any info until he pressed her. And I agree with the other posts here, none of the other girls really seem that much into him, but I totally understand that. He’s kind of a blank bore who only wants to make out with them. That said, I’m pretty sure he’ll pick Cassie at the end because that’s who he has the most chemistry with. The thing to remember about the Bachelor or Bachelorette is that sexual chemistry is so key in who they pick. And for Colton, having basically no experience at all, he is most likely to pick the woman he would like to f**k the most (apologies for the fake profanity).

Ross
Ross

Colton is a really nice looking guy and all that, but in three seasons, I don’t see much interesting about him. What are the Underwoods going to talk about at the dinner table? Past football glory? How nice your roots touch-up looks or how many needles did you stick in people today?

If past history is any teacher, Hanna should be the front runner for simply avoiding the drama and making Coco’s job easier.

Where’s the fence jump at?

TigerHoo
TigerHoo

Did anyone else start singing, “He’ll be comin’ ‘round the mountain when he comes…” when Colton appeared on the train that rounded the bend? It was in my head all night!