Bachelor Colton Recap: Someone Get Chris Harrison
For the first time in the history of the franchise (except for that one time Jason Mesnick said “just kidding” and Arie said “Becca, wait, sorry, hold on, I pick Lauren) we have reached the most dramatic episode in Bachelor history. When someone who has been recapping this show as long as I have stands up twice — you know it’s life altering.
My stomach was in knots for a solid forty-five minutes. I gasped and clutched my pearls. I paused the TV once to try and puzzle out WHAT THE HELL WAS GOING ON while my phone blew up beside me.
But I knew better. I knew Bachelor Nation was trending on all the socials and if I took one peek, I would spoil something. Did Colton lose his virginity in the fantasy suite? Twice? Three times? Did he fall and scrape his knee on the other side of that infamous fence jump?
Before we get to the good stuff, let’s recap the boring stuff, otherwise known as the first half hour of the show.
- Colton is a virgin.
- Our Host Chris Harrison helps Colton talk about being a virgin.
- If Colton is in love, he will make love.
- The animated map shows an airplane leaving Los Angels, headed to Portugal.
- Tayshia bats first.
- She thinks being intimate is an important part of a relationship.
- She is excited to do the deed with Colton.
- Tayshia thinks draping a black leather jacket around her shoulders is fetch.
- Helicopter dates are always cool. Unless you are left behind on the mountain during a two-on-one.
- Colton tries to make a silky man scarf happen. He fails.
- The ABC Intern was not extended a ticket to Portugal. We know this because Colton and Tayshia have a semi-awkward date sitting on a blanket spread out over rocks on the edge of a cliff.
- Colton likes to make fun of his virginity.
- “I like extra virgin olive oil.”
- Tayshia wears a shorty robe with her leather jacket to dinner.
- She does not know how to work wardrobe tape, therefore her boobs keep popping out.
- Tayshia admits that her ex-husband cheated on her and she is big on the truth.
- Colton promises to never cheat on her.
- His pending dates with Cassie and Hannah do not count.
- They choose to forego their individual rooms to stay as a couple in the fantasy suite.
- There’s no way Harrison wrote the note.
- Nothing happens in the fantasy suite.
- Colton is still a virgin.
- Tayshia looks slightly irritated and a whole lotta disappointed the morning after.
- I’m confident she is regretting wearing her shiny pajama pants on national television.
At first glance, one might think that there is plenty of time for Colton to go on his fantasy date with Cassie, his fantasy date with Hannah, and then send someone on the first animated airplane home.
One might be wrong.
Cassie shows up in her best outfit from the ‘90s. Think Mandy Moore in A Walk To Remember. Where Tayshia flaunted her cleavage, Cassie turtle necks hers up and then puts a mauve grandma sweater over it.
Colton is unfazed. He thinks she looks great. Especially with her hair whipping around in the wind, thanks to his sweet convertible ride. Had the ABC Intern been given the opportunity to fly with the rest of the crew, I’m sure he would have offered a spare scrunchie for Cassie to wear.
Colton tells the camera that Cassie was a “pleasant surprise” and that he hopes by the end of the night, they could be in love. They walk around the city, shoving gelato in each other’s face (no thank you) and buying matching pajama bottoms for their big night in the suite.
While Cassie tells the camera that Colton is confident and sensitive and she likes how she feels safe when he’s around, we see Colton sort of halfway execute a lackluster wall kiss with Cassie. It was no Arie/Emily vertical surface kiss, but I give him props for trying to be cool.
Plus, Arie is tainted for me now and I have nowhere to place my wall kissing sentiments.
The pair picnic on the ledge of a balcony overlooking the city and discuss events of the previous weeks. Colton is clearly trying to get Cassie to express her feelings for him, yet she insists on changing topics. Let’s talk about our favorite subject: FAMILIES!
Can Colton fit into Cassie’s family? You betcha. Did they like him? Cassie thinks so! How was the talk with Daddy? Challenging.
Cassie’s eyes squint in confusion. “Come again potential husband of mine?”
Colton tells Cassie that her daddy did not give him permission to marry his daughter. But it’s okay because his only worry was that this entire ordeal was too quick. And Colton toooootally gets that and is fine moving forward without Daddy’s blessing.
One small problem. Cassie isn’t fine to move forward without Daddy’s blessing.
She’s stunned that her father didn’t even leave an ambiguous “maybe” hanging or “ask me again later” as an open ended pseudo-promise.
Cassie is baffled by this revelation. For several reasons. Pick and choose which ones likely make up her cocktail of perplexity.
- But I left feeling like my family trusted me to make this decision.
- I wish you would have told me during hometown dates.
- I hate that my dad didn’t approve.
- I care about my family’s opinion and this is super frustrating.
- The fact that they are not one-hundred percent sold freaks me out.
- Why aren’t you more upset that you didn’t get his permission?
A lone tear slides down Cassie’s face as she confesses to the camera that this process is just…so…hard and that she is just…so…sad and she just…needs…more…time.
This is what twenty-three looks like ladies and gentlemen.
Five minutes later, it’s DADDY TO THE RESCUE!
Wait, what? Daddy as in Cassie’s Daddy? Or have we nicknamed Harrison “Big Daddy?” Now I’m confused.
It’s Daddy, as in Cassie’s father shows up at her hotel room to express his concerns about the potential engagement looming in the future. He wants his baby to remember that marriage is a very important commitment and he can’t give his blessing to a nice guy he met for thirty minutes.
Cassie: But Daddy, all the other girls got permission from their fathers!
Cassie’s dad realizes this is going to be more complicated than he realized and pulls out the big guns — Daddy’s love for Mama.
You see, Cassie’s parents knew from the moment they saw each other that they were MFEO. Remember the part in Frozen when Anna and Hans sing “Love Is An Open Door” and then get engaged? It was just like that.
Daddy is worried that Cassie seems conflicted. The collective “we” of pretty, blonde family members all thought so. Another red flag? Dad tells Cassie that Colton said he loves her. When Dad asks Cassie if she loves Colton, she answers, “I think so?”
Notice the question mark.
Ever the professional protector of his daughter’s heart, Dad encourages Cassie to finish that sentence. “Is there a but?”
Cassie hems and haws about needing more time and how she doesn’t want this to be over. She’s also scared to get to the end and “not being there.”
Hans tells Cassie that there should not be a single hesitant bone in her body. Not one. This is a lifelong decision and she can just accept proposals willy nilly. “We” did not get the vibe that Colton was her soulmate and “we” think she deserves more than “I think so.”
That’s when the waterworks come. Daddy pats her head and instructs her to break it to Colton gently, because the longer she waits, the worse it’s going to be. Then he slips her a first class plane ticket and tells her he will be waiting at the gate and oh, PS, he got her and the other kids an upgrade on their iPhones because family plans rock. Mother will be waiting at home with her favorite dinner. Let’s get this show on the road and get out of here.
Cassie preps herself for battle. Her chainmail dress may steel her body for what’s about to happen, but her face gives her emotions away. She’s teary, jittery, and unwilling to rip the Band-Aid right from the beginning. She summons the courage after two glasses of wine and a few quick make out sessions.
Thinking that Cassie is weirded out by her father’s non-blessing, Colton reminds Cassie that this changes nothing for him. Cassie’s eyes drop and she launches into a conversation that completed neither one thought nor one sentence. Here’s the gist of what she tried to communicate:
- My parents never doubted their love for one another.
- I want you to have what you want.
- I don’t know why after today I don’t know…
- This is confusing.
- I’m so frustrated.
- This is a lot…
Colton: Can I ask you something? Were you planning on leaving tonight?
Cassie: Yes. Not because I don’t care about you. I don’t know if I can get there with you.
She abruptly gets up to speak to her male handler then goes on to sort of say:
- If I had been sure by now I would have, I don’t know…
- I can’t.
- I’m seconding guessing…
- What do I say? What do I do?
- I didn’t know this was so hard.
- How am I going to get there?
Colton retrieves Cassie. They sit forehead to forehead for a few minutes. He finally tosses everything onto the wall to see what sticks, because THERE ARE NO RULES ON THE BACHELOR!
Colton: I’m okay with being patient. I don’t want to lose you. Don’t make a decision tonight. I want to be with you. It’s not easy going on other dates when all I think about is you. But this is the rest of my life and the last thing I will do is give up. I will not walk away. It’s okay for you not to know right now. You are overthinking everything. Every relationship moves at a different pace. We don’t have to get engaged at the end of this. I’m in love with you. I don’t know where your doubts are coming from, but you need to forget the next two weeks. There is no pressure. I care for you. I love you. And I want it to be you at the end.
I’m pretty sure after that profession of love at this stage in the game cost him something, rules or no rules. Details. This is Colton telling Cassie that she is THE ONE. There’s no need to worry! What an ordeal! What a love letter! How can Cassie pass this up?
By not forming sentences or a train of thought.
Colton starts to shake with all the adrenaline coursing through his veins. He also looks like he’s about to puke. He pulls Cassie into a hug and smells her hair. She pretends to cry. He promises to give her space, time, whatever she needs and then prepares her for the simple fact that he will be fighting for her.
He gets to the rejection SUV and gives her one last hopeful look.
Cassie: I want you to be with someone who is insanely in love with you.
And that was the knife in the heart that shattered it into a thousand pieces. Up until then, he just thought it was timing. He thought she was caught up in the fast and furious pace of this silly reality show. It never occurred to him that “not getting there” had nothing to do with synchronization. It had to do with her heart.
Cassie hops in the SUV, wails in the backseat, and questions if she would ever “get there” with him. Notice she never questions if she did the right thing or not.
Colton feels all the feels. He shoves the camera, whacks something onto a table, and then ditches his mic pack. Then he CrossFit jumps over the wall. It was the leap heard around the world and the reason Bachelor Nation is did not riot last night.
“Someone get Chris.”
Exactly, people. Someone get Harrison. We need a mature, wise host who can ask basic questions like, “Isn’t there a code to open the gate?” instead of shouting “COLE’N” over and over and over again, while huddling up to form a human pyramid for Our Host. As if Harrison climbs walls. Please.
And who was the person who whistled? You, good sir, are a chach.
The gate opens and Harrison searches left and right for his good buddy. Nothing.
Then Harrison swears. And starts to run.
See? Most dramatic episode ever. Has Our Host ever run in skinny jeans? Or produced a sheen of sweat on his forehead? I think not.
Needless to say, Colton is gone and is presumably NEVER COMING BACK. But he does come back because he hugs his mother in the hallway, weeping huge tears in next week’s “finale.”
Now let’s break down what we think is going on here:
- Is Cassie genuinely not interested in Colton?
- Did her Daddy come to Portugal to give her an out so she doesn’t look so bad? With the hope that she can be the next bachelorette?
- Will Colton find an Uber and try to track Cassie down?
- Will Cassie have the SUV driver turn around to go back to Colton?
- Is Hannah going to get her date?
- Is Tayshia halfway home by now?
- Will he propose to anyone?
- Does Cassie have a snowball’s chance in hell of being the new bachelorette?
- Or does that title belong to Caelynn?
Sound off in the comments!