Bachelor Colton Finale: Colton has a girlfriend and we have a bachelorette!
It was touch and go there for a while during the two hour FINAL season finale of Bachelor Colton’s journey to find a wife. Sure he settled for a girlfriend, but there was all sorts of drama, according to Our Host Chris Harrison, that led to Colton’s decision to be cool with a girl who doesn’t really like him that way but is willing to travel around the continental US to convince people like Jimmy Kimmel and the entire gang over at Good Morning America that there might be a chance that could change.
Perhaps in ten years, but nobody’s is counting and nobody seems to care. Details.
In my podcast intro of this episode, I admitted that I was disappointed in the show. We were promised a roller coaster of emotion and instead, were taken on a lazy log ride with one big dip at the end.
The dip, of course, was a super special performance by Air Supply. For those of you too young to know Air Supply, they are the Dan + Shay without the arithmetic mark and lean more Lite FM than country. They are like a wayward cowboy riding a mechanical bull— enjoyed occasionally and at a distance. It’s like Bella staring in awe at a glistening Edward in the meadow.
That last one got away from me. Moving on.
By now you’ve heard all of the good stuff because we technically all knew the good stuff three weeks ago when Colton jumped a fence for Cassie. But there are a few moments I would like to point out that may have been overlooked by the untrained eye.
- Our Host Chris Harrison teased all night long that we would soon learn what everyone has been wondering since the beginning of time: Is Colton still a virgin?
- We have not been wondering that. Gross.
- Of course he’s still a virgin.
- At least I think he was still a virgin after fantasy suites.
- We may never know because Colton is a gentleman and gentleman never kiss and tell.
- They just go on reality shows and date thirty women at a time, tongue kissing anyone who claims to be falling in love with him, and sharing with at least two women they they are “the one.”
- Who feels duped?
- I’m confident Cassie wore a crotch-snap bodysuit with her mom jeans when Colton came by her bungalow to confess that the other two women were gone. GONE I SAY!
- Colton promises that there are no expectations. They don’t have to get engaged right now. She doesn’t have to date him right now. She can take her time to figure out if she loves him. And oh, by the way, she gets a free trip to Spain if she’s cool with meeting his family.
- Cassie asks if Colton is sure and double, triple checks that Colton won’t blame her if this tryst does not work out in the end. He concedes. Let’s get a stamp in that passport!
- Colton preps the family by first joking that he’s no longer a virgin. His brother screams “I KNEW IT” followed by a forlorn look of disappointment when Colton sheepishly grins and says, “Just kidding.”
- Now that the family has been through that particular range of emotion, Colton tells them that traditionally at this point they would be meeting two ladies, but he went rogue, tossed the rulebook out the window, and chose one woman who is the woman that will join them this Easter for deviled eggs and frivolity.
- Mom is skeptical at best. Dad looks for the silver lining and finds one that is a murky brown.
- Colton runs out to get his beloved and finds Cassie crying at the thought of his parents hating her because she is unsure. Guess what? They hate her because she is unsure. Mom wants to know why she bailed on her baby boy. Dad wants to know if Colton remembers how the gymnast broke his heart a few years ago.
Dad: Are you in love with Cassie?
Dad: Is Cassie in love with you?
Colton: No. But when she walked away, I knew I didn’t want to lose her.
Dad: Are you sure your decision wasn’t based on wanting what you don’t have?
Lincee: Ahhhh, a healthy question. Way to go dad.
Colton: I love Cassie. Someone find me a fence and I’ll prove it to you.
- Colton’s dad cries. I get it. I want to cry too because Colton tells the camera that he is literally giving his heart to Cassie. Literally? Literally giving your heart to Cassie? You are a thousand percent wrong, my dear boy.
- They spend the day together, asking each other questions like, “What’s your favorite type of music?’ Then they repel down the side of a mountain to prove that love knows no boundaries. There is no safety net in life. You have to trust your partner to be there, beside you, for any and all adventures.
- This would have been a lot easier if Colton hadn’t been wearing dress shoes.
- Additionally, the ordeal of getting down to the part where the picnic was laid out was all for naught. What a joke! It was a couple of seat cushions and a towel for goodness sake. Again, I say to the ABC producers, LET THE ABC INTERN COME WITH YOU ON INTERNATIONAL TRIPS.
- While perching on her pillow, Cassie tells Colton that her college boyfriend started to control her and she’s been leery of entering a relationship since. They are stifling. I find it convenient that she never mentioned this guy before. Could she be building a defense when she bails in the future? Time will tell.
- Colton starts to kiss her, leading with the tongue, and invites her to dinner where they eventually forgo their individual room keys to stay as a couple in the fantasy suite, since they never made it to that part in Portugal.
- They make out on the bed a little bit before Colton kicks everyone out, presumably to get freaky.
- The scene switches to Sydney, Onyeka, Demi, The Goose, Jason, and Ben Higgins gathered around Harrison to discuss Colton’s sex life. Heaven help us all.
- The Goose. Really?
- After ten minutes of filler, those folks leave and Colton and Cassie join Harrison on the stage. Her pant suit was the stuff nightmares are made of.
- Never fear. They are super in love and taking it one day at a time! Of course Colton moved out to LA to be with Cassie because we all know who wears the pantsuit in that family. She’s quick to point out that they aren’t rushing anything.
- Then we have to sit through a video journal of Cassie telling Colton that she thinks he’s really cool. He gives her the final rose and Harrison hops up to introduce the one and only Air Supply! Colton and Cassie sway while everyone watches and wonders — Air Supply? Really?
- They leave the stage and Colton is immediately fit for his first costume on Dancing with the Stars which inevitably will be a salsa to Madonna’s “Like a Virgin.”
- With thirty minutes left in the show, Harrison decides now is the time to drop the bomb that Hannah B. is the new bachelorette.
- Caelynn was not available for comment on this news.
- Unfortunately, Hannah is incapable of forming a sentence. And we thought her inability to think of a toast was bad. Bless her heart.
- Poor Harrison had to come in and save her several times. Particularly because he trotted out five dudes who will be vying or Hannah’s love. Say hello to the Chach Parade!
- Meet Luke #1: He’s a douche.
- Meet Dustin: This guy, who sports a nose stud and hands her a champagne flute so they can toast the new season. He’s a dummy.
- Meet Cam: Cam started off great and then things escalated downhill at a rapid pace when he started rapping. He’s a dork.
- Meet Connor: He’s a ten-foot tall drink of water who brought Hannah a stool to step on so they could see eye-to-eye. He’s darling.
- Meet Luke #2: He’s a d-word that rhymes with sick.
- Harrison saunters up to Hannah, to save her from looking like a complete fool, and smiles when she randomly says, “I could hand out a rose right now!”
- So they do. Harrison grabs a rose, has his assistant fashion it into a boutonniere, and places it on a pedestal for Hannah to hand out.
- Ten minutes and a lot of silence later, she gives it to the rapper.
- Her season starts on May 13. Who’s excited?!