Bachelor Colton Recap: Hometown Etiquette
It’s an important week and Colton knows it. He spends a little more time in the shower, soaping up his chest while contemplating how weird it is that a cameraman is peeping through the glass. A quick glance in the mirror confirms that Colton is ready. He musks up, packs a tiny overnight bag, and heads to Virginia to begin his cross-country journey to figure out which family he wants to spend holidays with for the rest of his life.
HOMETOWN DATE 1
Fun Activity in Fredericksburg, Virginia
Caelynn is excited to take Colton on a tour of charming downtown Fredericksburg via horse-drawn carriage. She’s a little annoyed that the coachman picked today of all days to train someone and tries not to spew explicative interjections that the pair of ladies on the bench obstructs all views of her pediatrician’s office and her favorite ice cream parlor. Caelynn takes her aggression out on Colton by shoving her ice cream in his face using the age-old trick, “Does this smell funny to you?” Clearly she was trying to recreate a charming moment from The Notebook. It didn’t work.
While sitting on a random bench in front of a huge tree in the middle of the woods, Caelynn’s voiceover tells us that Colton is the one. This is a natural emotion to feel, particularly when Colton tells her that he is excited to get a dog and travel. Mind you, he did not say that he was excited to get a dog and travel with Caelynn, but you can see how she would come to that conclusion. Especially when his tongue is all up in her mouth.
Meeting the Family
All the folks who held glittery “MISS CAROLINA” signs in the audience during the Miss USA pageant have gathered in the backyard to fry things, drink strawberry wine, and meet the man of Caelynn’s dreams. Ariana is Caelynn’s protective sister who is wearing her two favorite colors: short and tight. She wants the viewing audience to know that she’s still got it and will flaunt it on national television.
John is not Caelynn’s biological father, but he is the man who raised her. He’s also pretty skeptical of this reality show business and feels it’s best for Caelynn and Colton to just be friends at this point in their relationship.
Isn’t John cute?
John doesn’t want to see his baby girl’s heart broken. Caelynn is quick to remind John that it could end in her favor. She wouldn’t bring Colton home if she didn’t believe this was real. When John continues to look at Caelynn like she’s grown another head, our pageant girl switches gears. This is what she’s been trained for. When the conversation does not go your way, you steer in back in the direction you want to go. For Caelynn, the direction is straight up manipulation.
Caelynn: My dad has never been my dad.
Lincee: Wait, what?
Caelynn: You, dear John, have been the man in my life.
Lincee: What does this have to do with Colton? Or love? Or marriage? Or dating?
John: [wipes a tear]
Caelynn: And you have exemplified what it means to be a man. A husband. A father. AND I LOVE YOU.
Lincee: Cue the pageant smile…and the waterworks.
John: How do you know you’re the right person for Caelynn?
Colton: I don’t.
John: Hmm. Well, there’s a lot of things to discover.
Colton: I agree.
John: She speaks very highly of you.
Colton: May I have your permission to marry Caelynn?
John: Do you promise that marriage is a lifelong commitment?
John: Fair enough. You may take my daughter to be your reality show bride.
Colton: Thank you. Just to be clear, I just got your permission to marry her. That doesn’t mean I’ll actually go through with it. It’s just an option. Don’t hate me or punch me at the end of this journey, okay?
After talking to her family, Caelynn has decided she is no longer falling but has completed the descending phase. She’s there. She has smacked the asphalt, landing squarely IN LOVE. She’s no longer plummeting. She’s landed on what she feels is solid ground, but is actually the shoulders of three other women below her. Colton rewards her honesty with a make out session on another whimsically decorated bench before hopping into the Virginian Uber.
HOMETOWN DATE 2
Fun Activity in Birmingham, Alabama
Nothing says “WELCOME TO MY HOMETOWN” like an afternoon of etiquette classes. A community that boasts countless parks, museums, and cool breweries? No thank you. Let’s make Cole’n walk with a book on his head and be chastised for not knowing that one ought to break bread instead of sawing it in half with a butter knife. Who needs the Birmingham Zoo when you have umbrella analogies that perfectly embody what it means to guard and protect a Southern lady’s heart. Why would the guy who played football want to go to the sports museum when there are foxtrot lessons to be learned?
Meeting the Family
Meet the Birmingham Chapter of the “Big Hair, Don’t Care” Club. This is house the where hairspray goes to die and mothers have the best reactions to their daughters bringing home strangers: “What are you saying to me, Guy I Just Met?”
Hannah’s gaggle of cousins think she is so pretty, so petite, and totally in love with Cole’n. Can he commit to her? Their pretty, petite cousin? Hannah certainly thinks so. Also, pass the wine.
Mama: I mean, he’s nice from what I can see.
Hannah: He makes me feel safe. I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t see a future with Cole’n.
Mama: I don’t want you to get hurt.
Hannah: Cole’n is someone who I can truly, truly, possibly see at the end.
Mama: That doesn’t make sense, Sweetie. Another note: is there no “T” in his name?
Hannah: His name is Cole’n.
Mama: Okay. Have I told you you’re pretty and petite today?
Hannah: Just once.
Dad: What are your intentions with my daughter? You’ve known her a month.
Cole’n: Technically, it’s been 32 days. That’s a big difference, sir.
Dad: But there are three other women. Are they as petite and pretty as my daughter?
Cole’n: Well, I did give her the first impression rose.
Dad: That means nothing to me.
Cole’n: It means that upon first glance on night one, your daughter had everything I was looking for in a potential wife.
Dad: You mean pretty and petite?
Cole’n asks Hannah’s dad for her hand in marriage. He admits he is “blown away” by the gesture and somehow translates Cole’n’s behavior as brave. He gives his full consent, knowing that this is all he’s ever wanted for his daughter’s entire life. All twenty-two years of it.
The decorative bench has been transported to Alabama so that Hannah and Cole’n can make out on it in front of her parents’ house. We know Hannah has been falling for Cole’n forever and he is equally in love with her. This is what Vegas calls a sure thing. But is it Hannah’s to lose?
HOMETOWN DATE 3
Fun Activity in Orange County
After a celebratory Jump and Straddle(™), Tayshia Bird Boxes Colton in the middle of a field. Then she leads him to a Jeep where she accidentally slams his shoulder into the door due to her bad driving. We don’t know why she didn’t let the adult man walk to the Jeep, take a seat, and THEN blindfold him. Tayshia is adventurous, y’all. It’s time to get on board.
Horse-drawn carriages are so yesteryear. Etiquette classes are for the birds and junior high boys. Real women take their men skydiving as payback for making them bungee jump.
Colton clearly wants to puke. It’s written all over his pea green face. Tayshia also rethinks her decision to strap onto an instructor before hurtling out of an airplane to the waiting hard ground below.
Colton, of course, is nervous about all sorts of things. Is this woman for real? He’s essentially sitting in some dude’s lap who weighs half of what he weighs. Is this the worst date ever? There’s also the death factor. Can he really die a virgin? Should he have not forgotten to lose it years and years ago?
As he’s praying to the good Lord that all things remain intact, including his bladder muscles, Colton’s instructor hops out of the plane and laughs as Colton screams bloody murder the entire way down.
For the first time, Colton takes the lead on the bench confessionals. He tells Tayshia that he knew he was falling for her when she left his apartment (read: Airbnb) last week. She pulls at the T-A-Y-S-H-I-A necklace and giggles. Then they make out.
Meeting the Family
Who knew that Tayshia grew up biracial? Not me. Although her mother Rosario seemed delightful, Desmond Senior is the star of the show. His protective father mode is dialed up to a ten and he wants Colton to know it. For the third time tonight, our bachelorette contestant reminds the family that she would not bring Colton to meet them if she didn’t feel that this was it. Mom doesn’t want the daughter to get hurt again. Same song, third verse.
Colton knows he’s in for a rough time with Des, but he doesn’t expect to get the “love word” thrown back in his face.
Des: That’s a strong word. Have you told all the women you are falling in love with them?
Des: If Tayshia asks you if you are falling in love with someone else, will you tell her?
Colton: Yup. Can I have your blessing?
Des: I just met you. I appreciate the talk. [holds out hand to shake]
Colton: So, yes?
Des asks his daughter if she really knows what she’s doing with this kid in the other room who only gives one word answers. He seems like he’s a nice guy, but we can’t go on just that analysis, because we meet nice guys every day. What does Colton bring to the table? How does Tayshia know he’s not telling her what he wants to hear because this is the way the game is played?
YOU DON’T MICROWAVE A RELATIONSHIP!
Someone cross stitch that on a pillow. Stat.
Tayshia smiles at her father, tells him that he can’t boss her around anymore because she’s already been divorced, and reminds him that she is genuinely happy. And just like that, Des Senior, who had all the potential of a normal father, caves and gives Colton his blessing.
Lots of kisses. Lots of tongue. Lots of hiding behind a couch.
HOMETOWN DATE 4
Fun Activity in Huntington Beach
Cassie’s first order of business is stripping down to her teeny bikini. Next, she’s going to attempt to teach Colton how to surf. He does not succeed in any sense of the word, but he does manage to grab her butt a few times and engage in a serious make out sessions.
Golden Hour Beach Confessions
Cassie freaks Colton out by telling him that she wants to be really sure her family approves before making any big commitment. Like telling him that she loves him. This makes Colton sad, but not enough to resist leading with the tongue.
Meeting the Family
Fresh highlights all around for Cassie’s family. Here’s how things went down:
Cassie’s sister takes her to the room where she auditions to be Cassie’s +1 on Bachelor in Paradise. She figures if Ashley I-Lashes sister can score a plane ticket to Mexico, anything is possible. She squeezes out a few tears, tells Cassie not to rush into any big decisions, and then hugs her sister passionately.
Like Des Senior, Cassie’s dad thinks this reality scenario is whack.
Dad: He’s meeting three other families, Cassie.
Cassie: Yeah, but if it’s ME at the end of this, he has explored all his options. He knows for sure!
Spoken like someone who chose “social media” as her major exactly one year ago. BTW, Cassie, just because you’re the last woman standing doesn’t necessarily mean that you are going to be the last woman standing.
Cassie gets a little defensive when her dad tells her she is crazy for accepting a proposal after a month. It’s not like buying a car. Cassie shouts, “I’M NOT DUMB!” Dad calmly reminds his daughter that he never said she was a moron. She’s young. Although there’s not a big differentiation between the two, he’s careful to pick his battles in this moment.
Cassie begins to cry because she doesn’t want her dad to be mad at her if she comes home with a Neil Lane diamond on her ring finger. Doesn’t the fact that Colton is blonde mean anything to him?!
With three fingers of whiskey in his glass, Cassie’s dad calmly tells Colton that he can’t give Cassie’s hand away in marriage. It’s a premature blessing. Somewhere in Orange County, Des Senior raises his own three fingers of whiskey in respect.
There’s the bench. And there’s Cassie unable to form a complete sentence. Using context clues and a “like” filter, I can report that Cassie doesn’t want this to end. But she doesn’t have the sensation of falling in love yet. For those of you keeping count, that’s neither love from Cassie nor a blessing from her father.
Hannah is confident that Cole’n is going to give her a rose. And he does. No one was surprised.
The next part, however, was the “OOOHHHHHHHH” heard around the world. Tayshia gets the second rose and Caelynn calls complete BULLS%$#. Don’t believe me? WATCH!
I have to admit that at this point, I did wonder if Cassie’s lack of heartfelt love would be her undoing. But that wasn’t the case. He picks Cassie and leaves the beauty queen experiencing rejection for the first time in her life. When Cassie returns to the lineup and Harrison asks Caelynn to say her good-byes, she hugs only Cassie and whispers “GET ENGAGED.”
There are Caelynn’s true colors. Right there. Both in her personality and in her coral eye makeup, which was borrowed from her sister.
We know Caelynn was not expecting this ditch since her mascara ran profusely from the tears she conjured on the rejection bench. She puts on a good show and serves up just the right amount of “why meeeeeee?” coupled with “I’ll never find love!!!” to secure her a legitimate place in the running for the next bachelorette.
Colton pulls a Crouching Tiger Hidden Mesnnick as the rejection SUV drives away. Then he goes inside, toasts the remaining three ladies, and asks for a private audience with Our Host. THIS IS WHY WE WATCH THIS SHOW!
THREE WOMEN REMAIN.
ONE FENCE JUMP REMAINS.
WHO WILL GO HOME?
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