Bachelor Colton Recap: Hometown Etiquette

It’s an important week and Colton knows it. He spends a little more time in the shower, soaping up his chest while contemplating how weird it is that a cameraman is peeping through the glass. A quick glance in the mirror confirms that Colton is ready. He musks up, packs a tiny overnight bag, and heads to Virginia to begin his cross-country journey to figure out which family he wants to spend holidays with for the rest of his life.

HOMETOWN DATE 1
Caelynn

Fun Activity in Fredericksburg, Virginia
Caelynn is excited to take Colton on a tour of charming downtown Fredericksburg via horse-drawn carriage. She’s a little annoyed that the coachman picked today of all days to train someone and tries not to spew explicative interjections that the pair of ladies on the bench obstructs all views of her pediatrician’s office and her favorite ice cream parlor. Caelynn takes her aggression out on Colton by shoving her ice cream in his face using the age-old trick, “Does this smell funny to you?” Clearly she was trying to recreate a charming moment from The Notebook. It didn’t work.

Bench Confessions
While sitting on a random bench in front of a huge tree in the middle of the woods, Caelynn’s voiceover tells us that Colton is the one. This is a natural emotion to feel, particularly when Colton tells her that he is excited to get a dog and travel. Mind you, he did not say that he was excited to get a dog and travel with Caelynn, but you can see how she would come to that conclusion. Especially when his tongue is all up in her mouth.

Meeting the Family
All the folks who held glittery “MISS CAROLINA” signs in the audience during the Miss USA pageant have gathered in the backyard to fry things, drink strawberry wine, and meet the man of Caelynn’s dreams. Ariana is Caelynn’s protective sister who is wearing her two favorite colors: short and tight. She wants the viewing audience to know that she’s still got it and will flaunt it on national television.

Daddy Dialog
John is not Caelynn’s biological father, but he is the man who raised her. He’s also pretty skeptical of this reality show business and feels it’s best for Caelynn and Colton to just be friends at this point in their relationship.

Isn’t John cute?

John doesn’t want to see his baby girl’s heart broken. Caelynn is quick to remind John that it could end in her favor. She wouldn’t bring Colton home if she didn’t believe this was real. When John continues to look at Caelynn like she’s grown another head, our pageant girl switches gears. This is what she’s been trained for. When the conversation does not go your way, you steer in back in the direction you want to go. For Caelynn, the direction is straight up manipulation.

Caelynn: My dad has never been my dad.
Lincee: Wait, what?
John: [silent]

Caelynn: You, dear John, have been the man in my life.
Lincee: What does this have to do with Colton? Or love? Or marriage? Or dating?
John: [wipes a tear]

Caelynn: And you have exemplified what it means to be a man. A husband. A father. AND I LOVE YOU.
Lincee: Cue the pageant smile…and the waterworks.
John: Whhhhaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!!!!

Asking Permission

John: How do you know you’re the right person for Caelynn?
Colton: I don’t.

John: Hmm. Well, there’s a lot of things to discover.
Colton: I agree.

John: She speaks very highly of you.
Colton: May I have your permission to marry Caelynn?

John: Do you promise that marriage is a lifelong commitment?
Colton: Yes.

John: Fair enough. You may take my daughter to be your reality show bride.
Colton: Thank you. Just to be clear, I just got your permission to marry her. That doesn’t mean I’ll actually go through with it. It’s just an option. Don’t hate me or punch me at the end of this journey, okay?

The Good-Bye
After talking to her family, Caelynn has decided she is no longer falling but has completed the descending phase. She’s there. She has smacked the asphalt, landing squarely IN LOVE. She’s no longer plummeting. She’s landed on what she feels is solid ground, but is actually the shoulders of three other women below her. Colton rewards her honesty with a make out session on another whimsically decorated bench before hopping into the Virginian Uber.

HOMETOWN DATE 2
Hannah

Fun Activity in Birmingham, Alabama
Nothing says “WELCOME TO MY HOMETOWN” like an afternoon of etiquette classes. A community that boasts countless parks, museums, and cool breweries? No thank you. Let’s make Cole’n walk with a book on his head and be chastised for not knowing that one ought to break bread instead of sawing it in half with a butter knife. Who needs the Birmingham Zoo when you have umbrella analogies that perfectly embody what it means to guard and protect a Southern lady’s heart. Why would the guy who played football want to go to the sports museum when there are foxtrot lessons to be learned?

Meeting the Family
Meet the Birmingham Chapter of the “Big Hair, Don’t Care” Club. This is house the where hairspray goes to die and mothers have the best reactions to their daughters bringing home strangers: “What are you saying to me, Guy I Just Met?”

Hannah’s gaggle of cousins think she is so pretty, so petite, and totally in love with Cole’n. Can he commit to her? Their pretty, petite cousin? Hannah certainly thinks so. Also, pass the wine.

Mama: I mean, he’s nice from what I can see.
Hannah: He makes me feel safe. I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t see a future with Cole’n.

Mama: I don’t want you to get hurt.
Hannah: Cole’n is someone who I can truly, truly, possibly see at the end.

Mama: That doesn’t make sense, Sweetie. Another note: is there no “T” in his name?
Hannah: His name is Cole’n.

Mama: Okay. Have I told you you’re pretty and petite today?
Hannah: Just once.

Daddy Dialog

Dad: What are your intentions with my daughter? You’ve known her a month.
Cole’n: Technically, it’s been 32 days. That’s a big difference, sir.

Dad: But there are three other women. Are they as petite and pretty as my daughter?
Cole’n: Well, I did give her the first impression rose.

Dad: That means nothing to me.
Cole’n: It means that upon first glance on night one, your daughter had everything I was looking for in a potential wife.

Dad: You mean pretty and petite?
Cole’n: Yes.

Asking Permission
Cole’n asks Hannah’s dad for her hand in marriage. He admits he is “blown away” by the gesture and somehow translates Cole’n’s behavior as brave. He gives his full consent, knowing that this is all he’s ever wanted for his daughter’s entire life. All twenty-two years of it.

The Good-Bye
The decorative bench has been transported to Alabama so that Hannah and Cole’n can make out on it in front of her parents’ house. We know Hannah has been falling for Cole’n forever and he is equally in love with her. This is what Vegas calls a sure thing. But is it Hannah’s to lose?

HOMETOWN DATE 3
Tayshia

Fun Activity in Orange County
After a celebratory Jump and Straddle(™), Tayshia Bird Boxes Colton in the middle of a field. Then she leads him to a Jeep where she accidentally slams his shoulder into the door due to her bad driving. We don’t know why she didn’t let the adult man walk to the Jeep, take a seat, and THEN blindfold him. Tayshia is adventurous, y’all. It’s time to get on board.

Horse-drawn carriages are so yesteryear. Etiquette classes are for the birds and junior high boys. Real women take their men skydiving as payback for making them bungee jump.

Colton clearly wants to puke. It’s written all over his pea green face. Tayshia also rethinks her decision to strap onto an instructor before hurtling out of an airplane to the waiting hard ground below.

Colton, of course, is nervous about all sorts of things. Is this woman for real? He’s essentially sitting in some dude’s lap who weighs half of what he weighs. Is this the worst date ever? There’s also the death factor. Can he really die a virgin? Should he have not forgotten to lose it years and years ago?

As he’s praying to the good Lord that all things remain intact, including his bladder muscles, Colton’s instructor hops out of the plane and laughs as Colton screams bloody murder the entire way down.

Bench Confessions
For the first time, Colton takes the lead on the bench confessionals. He tells Tayshia that he knew he was falling for her when she left his apartment (read: Airbnb) last week. She pulls at the T-A-Y-S-H-I-A necklace and giggles. Then they make out.

Meeting the Family
Who knew that Tayshia grew up biracial? Not me. Although her mother Rosario seemed delightful, Desmond Senior is the star of the show. His protective father mode is dialed up to a ten and he wants Colton to know it. For the third time tonight, our bachelorette contestant reminds the family that she would not bring Colton to meet them if she didn’t feel that this was it. Mom doesn’t want the daughter to get hurt again. Same song, third verse.

Asking Permission
Colton knows he’s in for a rough time with Des, but he doesn’t expect to get the “love word” thrown back in his face.

Des: That’s a strong word. Have you told all the women you are falling in love with them?
Colton: Yup.

Des: If Tayshia asks you if you are falling in love with someone else, will you tell her?
Colton: Yup. Can I have your blessing?

Des: I just met you. I appreciate the talk. [holds out hand to shake]
Colton: So, yes?

Daddy Dialog
Des asks his daughter if she really knows what she’s doing with this kid in the other room who only gives one word answers. He seems like he’s a nice guy, but we can’t go on just that analysis, because we meet nice guys every day. What does Colton bring to the table? How does Tayshia know he’s not telling her what he wants to hear because this is the way the game is played?

YOU DON’T MICROWAVE A RELATIONSHIP!

Someone cross stitch that on a pillow. Stat.

Tayshia smiles at her father, tells him that he can’t boss her around anymore because she’s already been divorced, and reminds him that she is genuinely happy. And just like that, Des Senior, who had all the potential of a normal father, caves and gives Colton his blessing.

The Good-Bye
Lots of kisses. Lots of tongue. Lots of hiding behind a couch.

HOMETOWN DATE 4
Cassie

Fun Activity in Huntington Beach
Cassie’s first order of business is stripping down to her teeny bikini. Next, she’s going to attempt to teach Colton how to surf. He does not succeed in any sense of the word, but he does manage to grab her butt a few times and engage in a serious make out sessions.

Golden Hour Beach Confessions
Cassie freaks Colton out by telling him that she wants to be really sure her family approves before making any big commitment. Like telling him that she loves him. This makes Colton sad, but not enough to resist leading with the tongue.

Meeting the Family
Fresh highlights all around for Cassie’s family. Here’s how things went down:

Cassie’s sister takes her to the room where she auditions to be Cassie’s +1 on Bachelor in Paradise. She figures if Ashley I-Lashes sister can score a plane ticket to Mexico, anything is possible. She squeezes out a few tears, tells Cassie not to rush into any big decisions, and then hugs her sister passionately.

Daddy Dialog
Like Des Senior, Cassie’s dad thinks this reality scenario is whack.

Dad: He’s meeting three other families, Cassie.
Cassie: Yeah, but if it’s ME at the end of this, he has explored all his options. He knows for sure!

Spoken like someone who chose “social media” as her major exactly one year ago. BTW, Cassie, just because you’re the last woman standing doesn’t necessarily mean that you are going to be the last woman standing.

Bachelor Colton Hometowns

Cassie gets a little defensive when her dad tells her she is crazy for accepting a proposal after a month. It’s not like buying a car. Cassie shouts, “I’M NOT DUMB!” Dad calmly reminds his daughter that he never said she was a moron. She’s young. Although there’s not a big differentiation between the two, he’s careful to pick his battles in this moment.

Cassie begins to cry because she doesn’t want her dad to be mad at her if she comes home with a Neil Lane diamond on her ring finger. Doesn’t the fact that Colton is blonde mean anything to him?!

Asking Permission
With three fingers of whiskey in his glass, Cassie’s dad calmly tells Colton that he can’t give Cassie’s hand away in marriage. It’s a premature blessing. Somewhere in Orange County, Des Senior raises his own three fingers of whiskey in respect.

The Good-Bye
There’s the bench. And there’s Cassie unable to form a complete sentence. Using context clues and a “like” filter, I can report that Cassie doesn’t want this to end. But she doesn’t have the sensation of falling in love yet. For those of you keeping count, that’s neither love from Cassie nor a blessing from her father.

ROSE CEREMONY

Hannah is confident that Cole’n is going to give her a rose. And he does. No one was surprised.

The next part, however, was the “OOOHHHHHHHH” heard around the world. Tayshia gets the second rose and Caelynn calls complete BULLS%$#. Don’t believe me? WATCH!

I have to admit that at this point, I did wonder if Cassie’s lack of heartfelt love would be her undoing. But that wasn’t the case. He picks Cassie and leaves the beauty queen experiencing rejection for the first time in her life. When Cassie returns to the lineup and Harrison asks Caelynn to say her good-byes, she hugs only Cassie and whispers “GET ENGAGED.”

There are Caelynn’s true colors. Right there. Both in her personality and in her coral eye makeup, which was borrowed from her sister.

We know Caelynn was not expecting this ditch since her mascara ran profusely from the tears she conjured on the rejection bench. She puts on a good show and serves up just the right amount of “why meeeeeee?” coupled with “I’ll never find love!!!” to secure her a legitimate place in the running for the next bachelorette.

Colton pulls a Crouching Tiger Hidden Mesnnick as the rejection SUV drives away. Then he goes inside, toasts the remaining three ladies, and asks for a private audience with Our Host. THIS IS WHY WE WATCH THIS SHOW!

THREE WOMEN REMAIN.
ONE FENCE JUMP REMAINS.
WHO WILL GO HOME?

Sound off in the comments!

Photo By: abc.com

62
Comments

avatar
40 Comment threads
22 Thread replies
0 Followers
 
Most reacted comment
Hottest comment thread
47 Comment authors
Lisa MazzoccoRoseRaeVirginianCassie Recent comment authors
newest oldest
Scooby Snaxx
Scooby Snaxx

Well done, dear Lincee, well done. This was the funny lunchtime read that I so desperately needed today. The entire Hannah G section here is fantastic. (As is the rest of this recap.) “Cole’n” — Yessss! Thank you. And I think twice I heard “Coul’n.”

My favorite moment of last night’s show was Tayshia’s dad dismissing Colton with “Appreciate the talk.” I wish he hadn’t caved and given his blessing. And dang, that Caelynn certainly is manipulative, pouring all of the flattery on her dad the moment he doubts her future with Colton. If she becomes the next Bachelorette…puuuuuuke.

Cassie’s sister as +1 in BIP — you are astute.

Chessie
Chessie

Oh my gosh, I was not expecting Caelynn to go home this episode! I definitely thought she’d be top two. I really hope she isn’t the bachelorette, although out of the women left I only like Hannah G. and I want her to win. Is there anyone from a former season who might be a nice, classy and fun bachelorette?

Karen
Karen

Hmmmm….I’ve been contemplating this same question tonight. I was not into the Colton pick for bachelor. I mean, nice is nice, but PLEASE do not pick another fresh-faced sub 25 year old with too much knowledge about how the show is supposed to go, yet zero life experience and aspirations beyond becoming a social media influencer. Let’s see….ladies I like from previous seasons include Kristina (from Russia, such an interesting story) or even Tia (yes,I said it…I think she got a bad wrap being collateral damage from the Colton edit). Who else?! I’d love to hear others picks!!

Karen
Karen

I think I’d be in for Kendal (not sure how you spell her name!)

Lex
Lex

I hope for Elyse! or Tayshia.
In my opinion, all the other girls (that are under 26) shouldn’t be considered for the bachelor. It’s too young.

Ross
Ross

Isn’t she still an item with Grocery joe?

Dee
Dee

Yes, I think Kendall is dating Grocery Store Joe so she would be out as a Bachelorette contender. She would be a great Bachelorette, though!

Chessie
Chessie

TOTALLY agree with Kendall (although she’s with Joe), Tia (although my friend says she has a boyfriend now) and Kristina. So I guess Kristina for bachelorette! I was an Elyse fan and would her to be the pick, but I feel like this franchise just wasn’t for her.

Rosa
Rosa

I’d love to see Becca Tilley! She’s older and probably more ready!

Rose
Rose

Yes! Would love to see Becca Tilley! Or Kristina!

JimJ
JimJ

I like all four candidates, but Caelynn seems once removed to me. Everything seems practiced, rehearsed. She is solid Bachelorette material with her temper, beauty and potty mouth, but I would prefer the spunky, full-of-it Demi.

Hannah, in Coco’s mind, can do no wrong. He lights up around her. And her end-of-show confession to put the moves on Coco, is the leading down the path stuff that Coco responds to. I wondered where Hannah’s ‘Bama accent disappeared to?

By Tayshia’s date I was pretty bored. Meet the fam. Check. Charm scary Dad. Check. Make out and hit the SUV. Check.

All I can say is Cassie looked dynamite in her bikini on Huntington Beach. I do not think this was lost on virgin Coco. Hence to rose.

I was surprised Miss North Carolina hit the road and it is really hard for me to even fathom her almost limitless dating choices. My sympathy and empathy read: Yeah, right. My true impression is that Coco is just going through the motions until he can propose to Hannah.

As a side note, don’t we usually have a People/US/ In Touch cover story by now about the trials and tribulations of The Bachelor? To answer my own question, I think it is because Coco boy is so dull.

NikkiZ
NikkiZ

Did anyone else notice Colton checking out Caelynn’s sister as she left the dinner table?

Sincethebeginning
Sincethebeginning

Awesome recap Lincee! Was it just me or did every house look exactly the same? So weird. I didn’t see Caelynn’s stepdad actually express a tear, it actually looked more like he was in pain, but it was Jedi mind-trick worthy, the way Caelynn turned that conversation from crucial to concurring.

My husband actually watched with me and made the funniest comments, but unfortunately, like the episode, I can’t remember any of them.

Mollie A
Mollie A

I’m so BORED with this season. All I can think is that Colton reminds me of a teenage boy as far as relationship maturity goes. Don’t get me wrong. I’m sure he’s a terrific guy but this season has shown that he’s not Bachelor material.

Lincee, your recap is spot. on. Thank you for calling out all the best moments! And, congratulations on your second book!

Karen
Karen

I agree with your assessment of Colton. Not a good bachelor. It’s more of a contest to see who he’s going to lose his virginity too.
Arie was kind of a wank, but I did appreciate that he brought more maturity to the process.

Karen
Karen

Lincee, you’re the best! This recap is spot on!
This may have been the best lineup of dads ever. For the most part, they all asked really good questions.
Out of all the women, I’m thinking it’ll be Hanna who gets the ring. I’m hoping it’ll be Tayshia will be the next Bachelorette. I’m not a big fan of hers, but I like her better than anyone else.

Rachel
Rachel

Lincee, great job! I died every time you wrote Cole’n! Thank you!

Katy
Katy

So funny and accurate! Loved all the hometown recaps.

Kelli
Kelli

Brava, Lincee. So many questions, so many Kevin growls. I have no idea why Miss one of the Carolinas didn’t get a rose. Especially since Cassie isn’t “falling for” our bachelor, Cole’n. I agree with Jim and mentioned it early on that we haven’t seen any People/Us/Entertainment Weekly articles on this season’s show. I honestly think we have another Womack on our hands.

I actually think Tayshia is the one campaigning for the Bachelorette spot. I don’t want to see any of the last 3 in Paradise. They’re too boring.

And has Cole’n not learned ANYTHING from Peter Brady Ben Higgins? You don’t tell everyone you’re falling in love with them.

Kevin is tired of waiting for the fence jump. Good Lord, man, get on with it!

Also–there are 2 episodes next week– Monday and Tuesday nights. I don’t know if Kevin and I can stand it. Especially after Kevin’s run in with the big snow monster over the weekend.

Contrarian
Contrarian

I thought of two possible reasons why Cassie got the rose, despite her tentative expressions of long-term interest: 1) like many of us men, Cole’n may like pursuing in the face of obstacles; or 2) if he knows he’s not going to pick her in the end, her ambivalence will make her a great choice for the final rejection. Much less pain all around.

DonnaMarie
DonnaMarie

Caelynn: Get engaged! (So I don’t have any competition for next Bachelorette). That rap session with Hannah’s family made me literally hide behind my pillow!

tracy
tracy

the most awkward “ask for dad’s blessing” conversations ever. how did any of them say yes??

Noelle
Noelle

Am I the only one who found Colton’s toast at Caelynn’s really weird? It was something like..

“I want to thank all of you guys for having me here and you have Caelynn to thank for that.”

To me it sounded like they should thank Caelynn for the opportunity and privilege to have him there for dinner. I don’t know…..just all seemed so fake.

Allia
Allia

Lincee, you wrote what we were all thinking! I love the Hannah conversation:)

Pleeeease no Caelynn for bachelorette. She comes off as so disingenuous (to borrow a word from a couple seasons ago). Her stepdad was sweet though.

At this point Hannah seems like the only one with any real feelings for our Col’n. Although their relationship feels a little too high school romance. The skydiving was a waste of date imho. He clearly doesn’t enjoy that type of thing, why put him through it again?

Cassie is just not that into him. I wonder if she takes herself out of the running next week (hence the fence jump and the teary limo ride)?

I wish they would stop already with the asking dad for permission thing. It’s so yesteryear and totally inappropriate while dating other people. Kudos to the skeptical dads!

Also, is majoring in social media an actual thing now?! Do people need to learn how to tweet or something?

MamaBecca
MamaBecca

Social media major is usually part of marketing. It is pretty complicated because the platforms are always changing their algorithms to block organic viral marketing. It is also very tedious work.

Allia
Allia

Wow! Interesting. Thanks for the info mamabeca!

Dena
Dena

I don’t think Cassie is there for the right reasons either. Did you hear when she was talking to her dad and she said she didn’t want him to be mad if she wi…. I think she was going to say “wins” because its a game to her and took a second and changed it to another “w” word 🙂 Thanks for the shout out to my local radio station in last week’s podcast. I love listening to you guys every Tuesday morning!! That’s how I learned about you. You crack me up everytime!!

Lauren
Lauren

Yes!! I noticed the quick change of the “w” word too! I wondered if it was just me so thanks for validating haha

Mary
Mary

I just had to go back and rewatch that part! Didn’t catch that the first time! Cassie’s dad really is wise!