Bachelor Colton Recap: Women Tell All

I have a love/hate relationship with The Women Tell All. Primarily because there is a total of fifteen minutes of the episode that is interesting or brand new information. That’s it. The remaining portions of the two-hour long show consist of the following: thirty minutes of catty drama, thirty minutes of “Who is that again?” while pointing to women on the back row, fifteen minutes of “What is she wearing?”, and fifteen minutes of Colton showering.

I’m quite confident that the producers instructed the freshly coiffed rejects to passionately speak over one another in shrieking tones until Our Host Chris Harrison yelled at them to shut up. It was a night of drama, tears, drama, cheers, and more drama.

Naturally, this calls for a mixed tape.

Shout — Tears For Fears
When Our Host Chris Harrison initiates the roll call, so we can re-familiarize ourselves with the back row, night one discards, I always listen to see who gets the biggest cheer from the audience members. This season was a three-way tie between Hannah B., Demi, and Caelynn. This seems about right, since all three of these women have been rumored to be the next bachelorette.

Tearing Up My Heart — NSYNC
Because the producers over at ABC love me and know that I will forgive anything foolish they ever do (like making me sit through two hours of women telling all), the powers that be have put together a delightful break-up montage that showcases all of the moments when hearts have been ripped from the chests of emotional men and women and splashed all over network television for audiences to react.

Remember when Frank dumped Ali? And Crazy Kelsey pretended to pass out in the bathroom? Who could forget Jake and Vienna? OR THIS EPIC MOMENT!

Bachelor Colton Mesnick

That’s right. It’s Jason Mesnick. The godfather and originator of “Pulling a Mesnick” which was coined and has been dutifully tallied here at iHateGreenBeans.

Of course, there have been slight variations throughout the years. Arie gave us a “Translucent Mesnick” over a glass balcony. My boy Sean Lowe pulled a quarter Mesnick during his season. When Nick Viall had to work out his feelings during the end of his journey, he pulled a “Crouching Tiger Hidden Mesnick,” which later morphed into “Crouching Mesnick Hidden Jungle.” You can also execute a pseudo-Mesnick, a half Mesnick, and a fake-out Mesnick, where it looks like you’re about to take to the balcony, but change your mind.

It should also be pointed out that many a Mesnick has never been pulled due to lack of balcony. But when one is present, all bets are off.

Waterfalls — TLC
There were five gratuitous shots of Colton taking a shower in his trailer. Five.

I Want You To Want Me — Cheap Trick
Demi: “Is it weird that I was a little turned on that he was a virgin?”

Cryin’ — Aerosmith
Havana likes to cry. There’s a montage to prove it. And free ice cream for a year (we all this “random”) to make everything better.

Fighter — Christina Aguilera
Onyeka likes to bully Havana for crying all the time and being “emotionally unstable.” Big Boobs agrees with Onyeka. Many think that Havana acted one way in the house and another way on camera. In fact, so many agreed that I wonder if the claim is true.

Listen — Dream Girls Soundtrack
Several women warned Colton that there were contestants in the house who weren’t ready for marriage. Our Host Chris Harrison calls out Katie to explain why she, “Rolled that grenade in the room to see what happens.”

This is an example of why we love Chris Harrison.

Hard Habit To Break — Chicago
Katie tries to be nice, but after Chris pokes the bear and asks her flat out who she was talking about, Katie conveniently answers that it was Caelynn and Cassie. She claims their values didn’t line of up with Colton’s and she wanted to warn him. She didn’t like that she over heard them talking about “winning” when they were in a van.

The Power — SNAP!
OH NO YOU DIDN’T! Caelynn snatches the grenade and explains EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED. Everyone knows that she and Cassie are best friends. Duh. What she said to Cassie was, “If you don’t end up with Colton, I pray that you are the bachelorette so you can find your person.”

IT’S WHAT FRIENDS DO, KATIE.

Katie takes a hit off of Colton’s block and begins shaking. The adrenaline is making her seethe. She even wonders if Hannah B. has been right this entire time, you know? Caelynn is a master manipulator.

Ah. This seems like a perfect segue for Harrison to call on Caelynn’s arch nemesis. How do you feel, Hannah B? What do you have to say for yourself?

All-American Girl — Carrie Underwood
Why Hannah B. has nothing to say but wonderful things about everyone on the panel, Colton, and her dear, dear friend Caelynn. It’s all water under the bridge. Yes, that water doesn’t necessarily mix with oil, but it’s fine. Roll tide.

OHCH: Okay, but where do you stand on the Katie/Caelynn argument? I heard you were there.
Hannah B: Gosh, golly, darn, Chris. I wish you hand’t called on me, but I remember it more like Katie remembers it.

Who’s That Girl — Madonna
Back Row Jane lays into Hannah B, “OF COURSE YOU WOULD PICK KATIE’S SIDE!”

Wait. Who’s Jane again?

Right, right, right. She’s the one who photoshopped her dog in with Colton’s dog claiming they would be best canine friends. PS: She didn’t get a rose on night one. Clearly she’s an expert in this matter.

Redneck Woman — Gretchen Wilson
Demi would like for you to know that she did not come up with “Cougar Club” to describe the old ladies of the house, but she certainly used the moniker on ever ocassion possible. Tracy, the resident senior citizen, was willing to overlook it if only Demi had been ready for marriage.

Newsflash: Demi still hates Courtney and vice versa. Through all of the bickering and arguing and closed captions, I gathered that Courtney’s feelings are still hurt that Demi labeled her “cancer of the house.”

Demi apologizes. That was harsh.

“You were more like bed bugs. I would forget you were there and then you would annoy the S#@$ out of me.”

Baby — Justin Bieber
Courtney retaliates by A.) managing to stand up in her skin tight pink dress and waddling over to Demi’s side of the panel and B.) attempting to shove a pacifier in Demi’s mouth.

No one tried to stop it. Everyone laughed. Demi asked for a shot after Courtney slunk back to her seat.

Demi = 2
Courtney = 0

Here’s To Love — Down With Love Soundtrack
Hannah B. is asked to join Chris in the hot seat. She reminds people that she has always been under extreme pressure to be perfect. She acts like she thinks people want her to be, but, lo and behold, she grew this season and no longer does that. Thank you Bachelor! Roll tide.

Harrison points out her very mature rejection SUV message where she tells the camera that she wants someone to love her fiercely and choose her every day. Interesting. Sounds like she’s teeing herself up to be the bachelorette, no? Roll tide.

Un-Break My Heart — Toni Braxton
Caelynn chooses a different tactic in the hot seat. For her bachelorette try-out clip, she cries because it’s so hard for her to be vulnerable and that’s why she was such a dully dud on the show. BUT SHE WAS IN LOVE. She has no answers and she wants to know what happened.

Um, he fell in love with Cassie. Have you not been watching the show?

Lost and Found — Brooks and Dunn
Shut up, y’all. Colton is no longer lost in the Portuguese countryside. HOORAY! He’s back!

He appears thinner and tanner (the desert will do that to you) and younger, thanks to his decision to shave off that scruff. I can’t comment on his tie.

Caelynn asks him what happened. He doesn’t answer her question, other than admitting that her rose ceremony was the hardest one. (Is that because it was the last one? We shall see!)

Hannah B. assures him that they are cool.

Sydney wonders if he’s still a virgin. Colton doesn’t answer.

Jump — Van Halen
The infamous fence jump received its own time in the limelight. Colton admits that he was sure he was going to land on a table, a tent, or a person when he hopped over that barrier in one single bound. But it was wide open spaces. And the feeling of being lost in Portugal was glorious.

Make ‘Em Laugh — Singing in the Rain Soundtrack
And finally, dear reader, I give you the blooper reel.

Photo By: abc.com

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CAROLE
CAROLE

Oh Lordy I hate the WTA show, way too much shouting and boobs! I missed Elyse too, heard she was elsewhere

Leigh
Leigh

I am so sick of Demi!!! Please don’t give her any more airtime ABC! Ugh, though I’m pretty certain we will see her on BIP… She’s a show pony and I wish girls like her would just be themselves. It’s annoying to watch

Kathleen
Kathleen

She’s awful isn’t she? Giving her any more air time is just justifying her awful behavior. I’d be so disappointed if my daughter turned out like her.

Gina
Gina

I agree, she is like a bed bug. Just obnoxious to me. Do not like her acting game at all.

GinaZ
GinaZ

I would actually argue that she is TOTALLY herself. She’s just young and outspoken and doens’t care what people think! She’s definitely “much” but I think she’s hysterical and can’t wait to see her in Paradise!

Sheila Shepherd
Sheila Shepherd

I was just so sad to hear the audience laughing and clapping at all her extremely rude comments. It also irritates me that a lot of people think because they are just “keeping it real” and telling the “truth” it excuses the terrible things they say. It’s not ok. It just isn’t.

Ann
Ann

Amen, Sheila. She’s just the girl version of this no-holds-barred method of communication that seems to be so valued by a good percentage of people these days. Manners are out the window and, apparently, no longer a qualityto be admired.

The whole episode made me sad.

Robin
Robin

Totally agree. Demi is just looking for attention and its torture to watch her. I have no idea why people were cheering her on Women Tell All.

Ronni Jones
Ronni Jones

I agree, the WTA is brutal. Why don’t they edit out all of the talking over one another? Surely there’s some other content they can put in! That’s the part I can’t stand. The best part of WTA is always the bloopers.

Kathy
Kathy

What .. no recap from Monday night? Am I missing it somewhere?

Ross
Ross

Go to Lincee’s facebook page, and there’s a link to it.

Kathy
Kathy

I wish I hadn’t gone there. Someone posted a spoiler.

Laurie
Laurie

What was the deal with Demi’s orange skin? Especially her hands. She needs to be more careful when she uses the self tanner!!! Why do y’all think Elyse was MIA!! Great recap, as usual!

Ross
Ross

Because if the producers have any sense, she’ll be the next Bachelorette! A big if, however!

Bri
Bri

She was apparently at a wedding in Mexico that she had previously committed to attend.

Ross
Ross

As to the three suggested Bachelorette candidates, Demi is far more suited to BIP, especially if Courtney is thrown in too. Caelynn is still too broken up about Colton to realistically be ready so soon. Hanna B!! Now there’s potential. She was composed, seemingly over rejection, and she already has a cool nickname! Roll Tide! (I still vote Elyse!)

Rachel
Rachel

Worst part of WTA was hands down Colton’s tie. A teddy bear? And the solar system? And a….shrimp?! Why?!!

Jen
Jen

This WTA was the worst. They set Hannah B up so well to be bachelorette I was finding myself liking her and agreeing with her growth. To the point where I was thinking, I’d love it if Hannah B was bachelorette. Nice job ABC, but I’m back to reality and realize that would be terrible. We need an older bachelorette with some life experiences or fresh blood. Though out of all the prospects, she is probably the best. So that’s something.

Thanks for the awesome recap Lincee. Can’t wait to listen to the pod on my way home from work.

GinaZ
GinaZ

Those were my EXACT thoughts about Hannah B! I was even on her Instagram yesterday and thought “wow- ABC did a great job of making me start to like her…so much so that I willingly came to her Instagram to try to get to know her better”. If those are the only 3 options, she’s for sure the best choice.

Kathleen
Kathleen

I hated this seasons’s WTA. The screaming and bickering over each other should not have been allowed to happen at all. As for Caelynn, Hannah B. or God forbid, Demi being the next Bachelorette, I will officially give up on this show if this happens. Those three were the worst of the worst and Demi is absolutely appalling. Could you imagine an entire season of listening to her screechy snotty voice and superior vain attitude? Ugh. And WHERE WAS ELYSE!? My guess is she said thanks, no thanks to sitting around with that horrible bunch of girls. The thing that struck me was how much more natural and mature the women in years past seemed compared to the women these days with their fake lashes, boobs and hair. I vote for Elyse for Bachelorette and a return to some kind of normalcy for the show.

Rachel
Rachel

Elyse had already agreed to be in a friend’s wedding in Mexico, the same weekend WTA was filmed.

Rosa
Rosa

I think it’s the world we now live in! All these girls with their boobs and hair and cleavage are just vying for more camera time, to go on Paradise, to be the next Bachelorette or to go on to make money via Instagram fame. This show has evolved in to a segue to fame. I love the quote someone said about Demi – “DOES SHE NOT HAVE PARENTS?” I kinda wonder if any of these girls have parents, because mine would DIE!

Opie
Opie

Elyse has had several scrapes with the law, including a serious DUI. She’s not the great option so many wish she was.

Chessie
Chessie

PLEASE let the next bachelorette be one of the Hannahs! I will take either of them over Caelynn in a heartbeat. She is so fake and bratty, I would not watch if it was her. Hannah B. would be so entertaining, and even though Hannah G. is young, I feel like she was a lot more mature than most of the other girls. I would totally be into Elyse too, but I don’t think this show is for her.

DonnaMarie
DonnaMarie

Won’t watch it if any of these contestants becomes the next Bachelorette. All too young and all too annoying. Can you imagine listening to Demi’s laugh for an entire season? Reminds me of Fran Drescher’s (who I love, but not so much her laugh).

Contrarian
Contrarian

The moment the in Bloopers when Hannah G executes the perfect save and offers the camera the most adorable and modest smile: “I got it.”

I’d like that on a loop, please.

Ilovelesueurpeas
Ilovelesueurpeas

It was really upsetting to me to see how ppl were cheering Demi on when she was being so awful to Courtney. I thought the pacifier act was silly, but honestly, I think Courtney was just fed up with Demi and lost her wits. I would have too with Demi… whoosh. I found myself fast-forwarding through any time Demi talked.

Sincethebeginning
Sincethebeginning

I personally thought that Courtney’s pacifier act was horrifying. So much worse than anything Demi said or did. In today’s climate, putting your hands on someone is unacceptable as well as offensive, and if it had happened to her (Courtney), there would be a different type of uprising entirely. Courtney is an unhappy, insecure female that feels better about herself when everyone is like her. Demi challenges that…In all the women…and challenging can either be character-building or disempowering. Unfortunately, Courtney chose the latter. Personally, I find Demi entertaining. She doesn’t threaten me because I know it’s all for show…and it works. Do I agree with anything in today’s world about needing to be famous? No. But that’s what’s important to Demi and she is who she is… Courtney just took it the most personally and Demi pounced.

Rosa
Rosa

Caelynn was on an Ellen Bachelor recap and she basically said she is not interested, she’s still recovering from the show and being Bachelorette is just not for her! Not sure if that’s all true or if she’s just saying that b/c she’s possibly not in the running. If you look at half of these girls on Instagram, it’s all about the fame!

votemom
votemom

i loved the blooper “nailed it” version of colton – he was so cute and fun and real. we didn’t get to see any of that side of him during the show!

wilhelmina
wilhelmina

That’s what I thought too! He seemed so much more relaxed and natural.

Shannon
Shannon

Lauren Zima (from Roses and Rose’) said that Colton reminded her of Chris Pratt in that “nailed it” segment. I totally see it.