Bachelor Colton Recap: Dropping Like Flies

Hello friends! When we last left Colton, he was wandering up and down the seashore trying to remember all the reasons he agreed to be the bachelor. There’s the InstaFame, dating up to twenty-five women at one time, perhaps finding a wife, the swiping of his v-card, cool clothes, stamps in his passport, and being best friends with Ellen and Jimmy Kimmel. What he didn’t expect was the catty drama, as well as women removing themselves from the journey altogether.

My boy is on the brink of flinging himself into the Gulf of Thailand when Our Host Chris Harrison walks up. If you look closely, you can tell that Harrison is annoyed by the summoning of the producers. Or there’s trouble back home and he’s rethinking his decision to date the Entertainment Tonight woman. Either way, the fact that he has to stand in wet sand in his new designer shoes (from the Chris Harrison line, no doubt) prompts OHCH to give Colton an abbreviated pep talk.

Colton: I’m not sure what to do, Chris. My biggest fear is that the woman standing at the end of this journey will not want me and I’ll be all alone again or forced to hang around Tia at Bachelor reunion parties. I wanna know what love is and I want you to show me. You told me during Becca’s season that love is a battlefield. Help me, Chris Harrison. You’re my only hope.

OHCH: Stop being a pansy and suck it up.

While Chris heads back to his cabana to prepare for the rose ceremony with a few fingers of whiskey, Onyeka takes a poll among the remaining women, asking all who have felt bullied by her to raise her hand. No one does, except Havana. Just as we begin round three of Bicker-pa-looza, Our Host crashes the party. Colton is ready to hand out roses with bugs crawling all over them.

I won’t bore you with the ins and outs of Colton’s choice to ditch Onyeka and Havana both. He made the right decision for all involved and I’m glad he ripped that Band-Aid. What I will mention is everyone’s hair. For the love of humidity, some ladies need to invest in the Thai version of Frizz Ease. And could we get some of those blotting papers while we’re at it? Thanks.

Onyeka peaces out first, wishing Colton the best. She’s happy she and Havana were both escorted to the rejection SUV at the same time, instead of riding solo back to the States. That should be fun flight home. Onyeka will do well in Paradise.

Havana, on the other hand, could not control her game face and straight up ugly cried as Colton called each name that was not Nicole. It’s sad that she didn’t get to celebrate in her red dress emoji lady dress. But she does leave Colton with a warning: some girls have amazing qualities and some do not. He needs to figure out who came looking for love and who is looking for a marketing deal with FabFitFun and their delightful seasonal boxes of goodies.

The next day, Colton emerges from an ocean in Vietnam, just like this guy. Clearly he likes to process his feelings in or near water. Whether that’s swimming, running the beach at dawn, or tantalizing viewers with another installment of “Deep Thoughts With Colton” via his video testimony, we learn that our dear boy is overwhelmed and anxious. He needs clarity.

What he gets is an afternoon of bumping and grinding with Hannah G. at the local spa. It starts off as canoodling under a banana leaf and ends up with some heavy petting in a mud bath. And a slow, sultry Jump and Straddle® in an outdoor shower, along with a pearl clutching moment that made other people in my watching party scream, but I don’t know what happened because I was safe behind a couch cushion trying to keep away the hives.

Let the record show that their swimsuits covered all their no-no squares. Still, it was very, very steamy for network television. It made Cassie’s interlude last week look like an after school special.

At dinner that night, Hannah G. leads us to believe that she has a deep, dark secret and that opening up about it is “not my jam.”

First of all, I’m just tickled that any sort of jam is acceptable vernacular. I was recently told I couldn’t use the word “hip” by a younger, cooler friend (shout out Andrea) but I resurrected my street cred by tossing out “hundo p” (hundred percent) and “spill the tea,” which is the same as spilling the beans (shout out Connie). Look at me being relevant!

Second of all, the reason Hannah B. has trouble taking down her walls is because her mom drove the car through her dad’s freshly mowed lawn and that’s when she realized they would never be a family again. Colton immediately understands her plight and offers his insight on what it’s like to have divorced parents. We call this bonding.

Colton: Hannah did lots of opening up today.
Lincee: Hey now.

Colton: We are getting closer.
Lincee: No joke. Any closer and your claim to virginity fame will be obliterated.

Colton: She makes me excited.
Lincee: No one needs to see that.

Our bachelor gives Hannah G. the date rose and they make their way onto the street where a band of Vietnamese women play easy listening music on instruments I don’t recognize. Delilah would be so proud. As the twosome sway back and forth to something that sounds a little like “My Heart Will Go On,” Colton tells the camera that he is falling in love with Hannah G.

If Cassie and Hannah G. are in a race to the finish line, HG just pulled ahead.

GROUP DATE
Cassie, Heather, Tayshia, Cailyn, Katie, Hannah Beast, Sydney, Demi

This means that Kirpa gets the other one-on-one and Demi is livid. She transitions that rage into fake tears and I’m surprised by how many people offer their condolences. Notice Demi’s hair conveniently covers her face during this tumultuous time, hindering our ability to confirm a clear and present tear.

When she learns they get to punch each other on the group date, her attitude changes. Sadly, her attitude failed to tell her brain that her body needed to show up in a fit of rage. Instead of landing her jabs, she whined to Katie to “stop hitting my face!” As one was pitted against another, most of the girls giggled through the entire ordeal. It was like pillow fight at a slumber party. Just substitute the frilly nighties with karate gear.

At this time, I would like to formerly welcome Asian Chris Harrison into the fold.

Colton quickly shuts the fight fest down in lieu of a cocktail party. Tayshia is the first one to score alone time and she uses it well. She gently reminds him that she’s putting herself on the line and has slight trepidation about being burned. Then she turns the tables and asks him how HE is doing. Colton loves it. Tayshia calms him like no other. She’s an oscillating fan in hell. He admits that he doesn’t have anything figured out and she consoles him by sticking her tongue on his tongue, because let’s face it, he was leading with his tongue to begin with.

Katie is up next. How ironic that she is actually wearing a satin nightie on the group date! Unfortunately, she dumps all of her feels on Colton, complaining to him that she doesn’t know how to show emotions. Then she starts crying for fear that it will all be taken away. Colton tries to cheer her up by letting her know he appreciates that she has thrown all the cards on the table. Then he side hugs her.

Ugh. The side hug. We call this foreshadowing. How did I not see it coming?

Next up is Sydney. She is officially unraveling. All she can do is grumble about how other girls in the group are getting more opportunities than she is and it’s not fair.

RED FLAG, SYDNEY! Control the crazy.

Sydney refuses to listen to me and sits Colton down as the fourth person to totally bum him out in the last twenty-four hours. She leads the stellar conversation with this gem:

Syd: Is there some reason you’re not picking me?

Colton pulls out his go-to defense by answering, “I don’t have it all figured out yet. But I want to try. I think I owe that to us.”

This answer allows Sydney to let a bit of steam escape, which helps the vein in her forehead not pop. Victory.

Demi bops up to Coco and promises to be someone who will support him not matter what. And since she’s so sensitive and the perfect catch, will he call Mommy with her? Tina has been out of federal prison for days and Demi has just been given the green light to make contact with the outside world. Coco agrees with as much enthusiasm as my niece at bedtime on a school night.

Tina answers the phone and Demi introduces the random boy she’s currently dating in the country of Vietnam to her Mommy. There were some pleasantries exchanged, but the majority of the conversation revolved around Demi and her mom agreeing that each is the best and neither loves the other more than the one loving.

That sentence got away from me, but I’m sticking with it.

Demi instructs her mother to “be a good girl,” and then cries in Coco’s lap. When she audibly hopes he can meet Mommy in the future, Coco sticks his tongue down her throat.

Demi returns to the muster couch and makes a big production about how she treats her time with Coco as a one-on-one. She drones on and on and on. Sydney teeters on the edge again and makes the unwise decision to approach Colton one last time to see if she can get a commitment out of him.

RED FLAG, SYDNEY! Conceal, don’t feel.

She halfway gives him an ultimatum, disguising her insecurity in the form of “if you like her, there’s no way you’ll like me.” Sydney is at a crossroads. Although she doesn’t regret her journey, she wants something real and magical. Or at least horizontal like Cassie and Hannah G. The revelation sinks in that if it was right, it would be easy and she wouldn’t feel threatened.

So she sends herself home.

Then through a fit of tears, she tells the camera that she’s leaving because Colton didn’t let her in. Technically not true, so I’m placing her squarely back in the red zone. You can’t fix crazy, but you can document it. Hence the heavily guarded ABC contract you signed in blood that says the cameras film EVERYTHING.

Then she tells Colton not to be distracted by shiny things. I may have stood up. I’m guessing that “shiny things” are the pageant girls’ tiaras, Demi’s handmade prison bag her mom traded for cigarettes, Kirpa’s chin bandage, and Hannah G’s platinum vagine.

Colton doesn’t seem too distraught by the unexpected turn of events, but you can tell he’s not mentally in the moment. He tosses the date rose to Tayshia and invites the ladies to get some rest. Then he leaves. Presumably to find the nearest ocean or waterfall.

SECOND ONE-ON-ONE DATE
Anyone and everyone was totally surprised that Kirpa landed the second one-on-one. Especially Kirpa. She questions everything, including the infamous Jump and Straddle®. What in the world was she doing? If you’re going to fling into the guy’s arms, you have to commit, woman. Can I even label that nonsense as a Jump and Straddle®? I don’t think so.

Real talk: I thought Kirpa was going home. When she tells him that she respects what Sydney did, I anticipated Colton retreating into his own thoughts. He didn’t. In fact, he compliments her by saying that he naturally and easily connects with her.

I’m sorry, will the real Kirpa please stand up? Where is this woman he speaks of and where is her chin bandage?

Then I thought she was going home when she forced him to eat a sea urchin. Home slice did not like that, but he kisses her slimy mouth with his slimy tongue anyway. Good times.

When she arrives to dinner in a cold shoulder / cold upper boob dress and never smiles at her hot date once, I thought FOR SURE she was a goner. Then when she she provides more details on her broken engagement and how she’s all about moving slow? Good-bye! Or should I say tạm biệt, which, according to Google translator, is good-bye in Vietnamese.

Finally, when I noticed the glitter spray she borrowed from Demi oozing off of her chest, I knew he would call for the rejection SUV. Nope. Instead he kisses her and gives her a rose.

Inconceivable.

Leave it to Hurricane Demi to make landfall later that night. She puts on her Daisy Dukes, lip glosses up, and sneaks over to Coco’s abode so she can take his virginity.

I’m just the recapper. That’s what she said.

Demi goes “balls to the wall,” but fumbles that ball almost as soon as she crosses the threshold. Her opening line? “I’m ready to take the next step. I’m falling in love with you. And I want to let myself fall.”

Coco smiles and says, “I appreciate…” Uh-oh. Demi is toast.

You see, Colton likes her but he doesn’t see them together and he can’t fathom putting her through a rose ceremony. He hugs her like a favorite sister. We celebrate the one tear she was able to produce at just the right moment, and laugh when he shoves her out the door so she can do the opposite of a walk of shame back to the cabanas.

Demi wakes up the Hannahs and tells them that she’s leaving. She cried more here than she did when she got dumped five seconds ago, spoke to her recently released from prison Mommy, or getting punched in the face by Katie.

See you in Paradise Demi!

ROSE CEREMONY
Everyone is in a tither. We haven’t even seen Cailyn or Cassie interact with the bachelor. Tayshia wonders if she can continue this “you make me calm” streak and Heather is hoping that her one time to be kissed can turn into two times. Or three. She’ll lead with the tongue if she has to!

All agree that the cocktail party is super important this very night. And all groan with Harrison tells them that Colton has his mind made up.

Along with Tayshia, Kirpa, and Hannah G., roses go to Hannah Beast, Cailyn, Cassie, AND HEATHER.

I was surprised and shocked that Katie was sent home. I had her flying under the radar, but instead of making her move, she fell right off.

The mood matches the weather. When Colton tries to protect Katie from the rain, she shrugs him away. She is upset and halfway blames herself. But she does have a warning for Colton: There are some who aren’t ready for marriage. Be careful.

Whhhaaatttt?

via GIPHY

Colton is aghast. He just got rid of the teeny bopper Demi who was not ready to get married. Who could Katie be talking about? And why is everyone warning him that people aren’t here for the right reasons (right reasons)? WHAT IS HE MISSING?

According to scenes from next week, it looks like Colton reaches his breaking point. I believe we will see the awesome single bound fence jump, as well as a frantic search party looking for our bachelor. Do you think they are in Africa? And he could be eaten by a lion? Sound off in the comments section!

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Rosa
Rosa
February 12, 2019 1:38 pm

What was Tayshia saying to Kirpa at the end?? That they would be the final 2? I didn’t get that!? SHOCKED that Kirpa is still there. Serious editing b/c I don’t see it! Everyone is doubting Hannah B, but at least the girl has some personality!! Everyone else is SO BORING!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Gonna miss that little Demi, until Paradise!

Cathy
Cathy
February 12, 2019 4:58 pm
Reply to  Rosa

Yeah I saw that and did NOT like that Tayshia was saying that to Kirpa – way too conceited! I think that means she will not be the final two bwahahahaha.

BA77
BA77
February 13, 2019 10:15 am
Reply to  Rosa

So here’s my thinking: I think that Tayshia (and Sydney) think that Cassie, Caelynn, Hannah G, Hannah B, are not there for the right reasons (right reasons) – hence the “shiny object” comment from the group date earlier in the episode. I read somewhere that Cassie and Caelynn were overheard in Thailand by the other girls talking about the possibility of being the next Bachelorette, and that this angered everyone BUT of course this has not been shown so who knows?? My guess is if that Bachelorette conversation happened, that Tayshia was saying to Kirpa like “Watch, all the other… Read more »

Emma
Emma
February 17, 2019 2:47 am
Reply to  Rosa

The best explanation I’ve seen is that it’s Tayshia telling Kirpa about a conversation she overheard (maybe Cassie and Caitlyn), the way she was telling was like she was parotting rather than talking about herself.

Leah
Leah
February 12, 2019 1:52 pm

“She’s an oscillating fan in hell. “ BRILLIANT! I’m going to try to work that into a conversation this week (with proper citation, of course).

Sincethebeginning
Sincethebeginning
February 12, 2019 1:56 pm

Delilah AND Inconceivable!!!! Brilliant Lincee. Your “oscillating fan in hell,” was pure genius! Every week you deliver!

On a different and weird note. …after listening to your podcast with Some Guy, I always note that I wash my arm first in the shower every time. Every time.

ellen patton
ellen patton
February 12, 2019 1:58 pm

I’ve been waiting all day for this! Spot on as usual.

Kelli
Kelli
February 12, 2019 2:14 pm

Brilliant recap! Kevin spent most of this episode sitting on my actual head, like he was the couch cushion I wanted to hide behind. And I have to admit, he did his Kevin ‘laugh’ when Demi got hit in the face. She must not have seen Corinne get shut down on Nick’s season when SHE pulled that very move. Only Nick wasn’t carrying the V card I knew Havana and Onyeka were out when they kept fighting. Havana’s pouty face bugged the crap out of me. Seriously. She looked like she was a 4 year old with that lower lip… Read more »

Elizabeth Heydary
Elizabeth Heydary
February 12, 2019 3:31 pm
Reply to  Kelli

Finale is usually in March then a couple months off until The Bachelorette premieres around Memorial Day but I don’t know specific dates for this season. I heard somewhere there were 4 weeks left in this season.

Kathleen
Kathleen
February 13, 2019 2:48 pm
Reply to  Kelli

I live for Kevin’s reactions – he’s spot on!

Scooby Snaxx
Scooby Snaxx
February 12, 2019 3:07 pm

I know this will never happen, but I just wish, one day, that the Bachelor could be a witty, super-intelligent, sensitive, music-loving nerd who was easy on the eyes. Not that Colton’s not good looking, but what these producers are showing us of his personality…well, I would have sent myself home too.

April
April
February 12, 2019 3:40 pm
Reply to  Scooby Snaxx

That would have been Wells… not sure he is super-intelligent, but he’s smarter than most of these meat heads. Hundo P agree about current bach.

Rosa
Rosa
February 13, 2019 10:20 am
Reply to  April

Hundo P – LOLOLOL!!!

Sashya
Sashya
February 12, 2019 4:06 pm
Reply to  Scooby Snaxx

Personality of a snail right? An awful lot of his lines seem scripted to me

Sara P
Sara P
February 12, 2019 4:20 pm
Reply to  Scooby Snaxx

Too bad they were never able to talk Ames into being the Bachelor. I would watch that season twice!

Haley
Haley
February 14, 2019 2:31 pm
Reply to  Sara P

Ames with the red pants FOREVERRRRRRR

Cindy K
Cindy K
February 12, 2019 3:21 pm
Sunny
Sunny
February 13, 2019 12:57 pm
Reply to  Cindy K

Thanks! I really was curious. Wondering now why that wasn’t included in the storyline. Hmmmm…..

Erin
Erin
February 12, 2019 4:14 pm

What happened to the 2 on 1 date? Wouldn’t there usually have been one at this point? Maybe there aren’t any serious enough rivals left to make it count: Caelyn and Hannah B. made up, Onyeka and Havana are gone. Maybe they’re leaving it out this season?

Jenna
Jenna
February 12, 2019 7:42 pm
Reply to  Erin

I listened to Rob Mills on The Bachelor Party podcast (he’s some sort of higher-up person at ABC, so this isn’t a spoiler) and he said that there won’t be a 2-on-1 this season.

Contrarian
Contrarian
February 12, 2019 4:16 pm

Hey there Lincee…Love your “right reason (right reason)” and would like to add a favorite fugue of my own: “my biggest fear (my biggest fear).” Every time he says it, I’m thinking…really? Not a tax audit, kidney stone, or baldness?

JulieEps
JulieEps
February 12, 2019 7:39 pm
Reply to  Contrarian

I guess I’ve missed what Lincee means by “right reasons (right reasons)”. Can you explain? Thanks!!!! Been reading her recaps for so long! But just can’t remember that one reference!!!!!

Jenna
Jenna
February 12, 2019 7:50 pm
Reply to  JulieEps

I can’t remember whether it was with a group that included Desiree on Sean’s season or if it was a group of guys who sang it for Desiree’s season, but they made up a song where they rapped, “right reasons (right reasons).”

Renee
Renee
February 12, 2019 10:04 pm
Reply to  Jenna

Yes!! It was Desiree’s season when all the guys were rapping for her!!

Kelli
Kelli
February 13, 2019 8:42 am
Reply to  Renee

I thought it was Ashley’s season, with he who shall not be named that was a singer trying to get discovered, that the whole right reasons (right reasons) song came about.

Contrarian
Contrarian
February 12, 2019 10:14 pm
Reply to  JulieEps

Between the “live” segments and the flashbacks, I think Colton moaned about “my biggest fear is…” at least a half-dozen times in this episode. Not quite at the Tourette’s level, but definitely annoying.

Christine
Christine
February 13, 2019 8:02 am
Reply to  Contrarian

I love this blog and it’s readers. I know this isn’t the best place to respond but for my son I need to. I don’t tend to get offended easily and try to take things in stride but your Tourette comment is rude and hurtful. My 17 son has suffered most of his life with all that comes with Tourette. He educates and advocates against bullying from people who make ignorant comments like yours. He has been to Congress every year from the time he was 12 speaking out about the need for awareness and research. Tourette is an extremely… Read more »

Contrarian
Contrarian
February 13, 2019 10:34 am
Reply to  Christine

Given what you shared, I can certainly understand your reaction to my reference, and I can assure you I meant no offense to your son (obviously) or anyone else who suffers from the disorder. I’ll remember this exchange, so thanks for posting.

Christine
Christine
February 13, 2019 11:07 am
Reply to  Contrarian

Thank you so much. I honestly don’t generally react but I know how mature and wonderful this group of readers is.

Contrarian
Contrarian
February 13, 2019 11:14 am
Reply to  Christine

I’ll admit to “wonderful,” but I make no claims regarding maturity. That would mean denying my Twitter posts.

JulieEps
JulieEps
February 13, 2019 6:51 pm
Reply to  Christine

Hugs to you and your son Christine…

Reba
Reba
February 13, 2019 12:32 am
Reply to  JulieEps

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rRyNzYPASoA Here it is! Best group date ever in my opinion!!

Erinn
Erinn
February 14, 2019 12:27 am
Reply to  JulieEps

The video is on YouTube and it is amazing. (As in, incredibly cringe-inducing). Enjoy! https://youtu.be/rRyNzYPASoA

Maribeth Joyce
Maribeth Joyce
February 13, 2019 4:08 pm
Reply to  Contrarian

That bugs me too. Besides he has Cassie, Caelyn, and the Hannah’s in his back pockets. Tayshia is also a serious contender. He can’t dump an “oscillating fan in Hell? “
I was surprised to see Hannah Beast in hometowns Previews. I thought she would be the next to go. Heather though? How can he not know who’s not ready?

Meg
Meg
February 17, 2019 12:55 pm
Reply to  Maribeth Joyce

I don’t think that clip was a hometown date. In past seasons, there have been times where the bachelor takes a girl on a date and his parents make a cameo for some reason. Arie took Krystle on an airplane date to Scottsdale where she met his parents fairly early on, but it wasn’t an official “hometown” date like at the very end. With Demi (“villain”) gone, the pageant girls having made up, and the bicker twins sent packing—not to mention Cassie & Hannah G so obviously being in the lead—the producers had to do something BIG to hold our… Read more »

DonnaMarie
DonnaMarie
February 12, 2019 4:29 pm

Just an observation but I find it funny that Colton says he he looking for someone adventurous and yet he seems so unaccepting of anything adventurous himself, such as trying different foods or anything from high heights.

Deana
Deana
February 12, 2019 5:59 pm
Reply to  DonnaMarie

I noticed that too. I feel like he contradicts himself a lot. He keeps saying his biggest fear is choosing someone who isn’t ready but when someone tells him they are ready but question his ability to move to the next level, he sends them packing.

Contrarian
Contrarian
February 12, 2019 10:02 pm
Reply to  DonnaMarie

It’s a bit painful to watch how those contradictions play out. It’s as though he has an idea of what he SHOULD want in a wife and what he actually wants. I’m guessing he’s confused a lot of women on the way to this reality series.

Add to that the gals trying to decide which Colton they want to appeal to. It’s a bit of a mess.

BA77
BA77
February 13, 2019 10:26 am
Reply to  Contrarian

It’s a total mess. My bar is pretty low in general, but seriously, there’s something that just feels off this season.

JimJ
JimJ
February 12, 2019 5:57 pm

This thing is I over. ( No spoiler, just my opinion). Hannah G. has this locked up. Colton has goo-goo eyes for her, loves her, she feels like home and she laid a sexy make-out session on him. What’s a boy not to like? I’m glad the bicker twins hit the road. They were still yapping about the other in the crymobile. Clearly, not here for the right reasons. The martial arts stick boxing was terrible. It reminded me of the one-armed girl doing roller derby during Sean’s tour of duty. Make it stop! Pineapple! Pineapple! I am going to… Read more »

Or Gal
Or Gal
February 12, 2019 6:30 pm

I watched this season for the first time tonight, hoping most of the drama was over. HA! Was I wrong. Colton acts like he is 15, no, make that 12, when he is around the gals. He can’t keep his eyes off body parts and there is no spark, other than sexual, with any of the girls. No in-depth conversations, nothing. And then we have to think about which of his rejects will be the next Bachelorette. Gack!

Thank goodness we have Lincee to keep us entertained and on track with what’s going on in this train wreck.

Jenna
Jenna
February 12, 2019 7:46 pm

Shout out to Delilah! Those whippersnappers on The Bachelor wouldn’t know who she was, but this 39 year old sure does.

Anne
Anne
February 12, 2019 9:07 pm

Did anyone else notice in the previews that Cassie appears to be leaving in a rejection vehicle?! And she doesn’t re-appear at all in the package showing what appears to be the final four (Hannah G, Beast, Caelyn and Tayshia) in various exotic locations with Colton? I will be pissed if she’s gone after next week. She’s the best one! WTF

Becky
Becky
February 12, 2019 11:11 pm
Reply to  Anne

I hate it when they show us who makes it to home dates.

MeM
MeM
February 13, 2019 1:26 pm
Reply to  Becky

I’m wondering if one of the “surprises” is that he takes more women on hometown dates. Something I read made it sound like they don’t follow the usual rules in the upcoming episodes.

Vicki
Vicki
February 12, 2019 10:43 pm

“You can’t fix crazy but you can document it.” That one made me laugh out loud!

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