‘Bachelor in Paradise’ finale recap: First comes love

funny bachelor recap-Bachelor in Paradise

After six weeks, Jade and Tanner found love on Bachelor in Paradise. Mike Fleiss is smiling in a big pile of money as he watches his franchise continue to grow in potential success stories. Harrison has left the island for an undisclosed roomful of taut women in PG-Rated bikinis. No, he’s not traveling with a harem—he’s the emcee of the Miss America pageant airing this Sunday on your local ABC station! And Jorge has mixed his last drink and will go back to his extremely lucrative practice as a psychotherapist in Guadalajara.

Other than Samanthagate, the rise and fall of Carly/Kirk and the Great Exodus of Every Second Tier Player, I’d say this season was a victory! Allow me to give you the 4-1-1 on our season two Bachelor in Paradise finale:

TENLEY AND JOSHUA
As I suspected from the beginning, Tenley isn’t really feeling Joshua as her soul mate. He’s wonderful and he certainly makes her feel cherished, but there’s definitely something missing that she can’t put her finger on. My guess is that people don’t address him as “His Royal Highness” and there isn’t a sketch of Joshua’s silhouette on his country’s currency.

Tenley takes to her journal to scribble words like “whimsical attachment” and “know stirring”(?) and “brand new chap.” At first I thought it was obvious that she needs to let him go because why would you be writing yourself a note to buy brand new chapstick in your dream journal entry about Joshua? One of my friends guessed that she was thinking about a brand new chapter. That makes a lot more sense.

Her emotions continue to swirl as she preps for the overnight date. She drops tiny little hints about how Carly and Kirk’s break-up freaked her out. Joshua barrels through the insecurities and tells her that he wants to give this a chance. He wants a relationship outside of Paradise. He sees a future. I almost see her butt crack when she leans over

The next day, Harrison saunters in wearing a shirt that has been dyed to match his eyes. He tells the remaining couples that they must PROPOSE AND GET MARRIED or leave each other forever. This makes Tenley’s head hurt. Or it may have been her head floss adornment. I’m not sure. Regardless, she gets dressed in her best hot pink number, walks to the wooden rose holder proposal pedestal and uses no less than 37 compliments to let Joshua down easy. She will not be joining him after Paradise. Sixty-percent of the blame goes to geographical differences, 20-percent goes to her own heart not feeling it and the remaining 20-percent goes to that horrific hula girl tattoo.

Don’t worry about Tenley. She’ll be fine. Some charming man with a white horse will definitely rescue her if only she remembers to let down her hair so he can climb up the tower. And Joshua will be fine too. He’s got enough iron roses to hand out. If that doesn’t work, he’ll always have Molly.

SAMANTHA AND NICK
I don’t buy this relationship for one second. Samantha needed an out. She’s a smart business woman. Everything inside of her is screaming, “DAMAGE CONTROL.” She has to know that her reputation was scarred with Samanthagate and the best way to make nice is to find one of the leftover guys and pretend to like him. I believe Nick was the Chosen One (over Dan and Justin) because her cover-up story needs to be plausible. Nick mentioned several times that he and Samantha had been talking FOR MONTHS before the show. Therefore, it’s not weird when she confesses to the camera that she was blinded by Joe and Nick was THE ONE all along. She accepts Nick’s final rose. Vomit.

CASSANDRA AND JUSTIN
Cassandra and Justin have known each other for 24-hours now, which is plenty of time to know if you want to have and hold this person forever. She’s got a banging body and he as a perpetual duck-face. What more do they need?

Justin tries to subliminally win Cassandra over by wearing red Ames pants to the fantasy date. This does not work on Cassandra mainly because the actual Ames is not sitting there in the red pants. She pumps the brakes. She doesn’t want to forgo her individual crappy room for a fancy suite because she’s had a longer relationship with a package of Orbit sweet mint gum in her purse, than she’s had with Justin. Plus, she’s a mom and she thinks that would be highly inappropriate.

The cameras show Cassandra symbolically blowing out a candle. Is her relationship with Justin practically over before it began?

I guess they just needed and action shot, because the next day, Cassandra accepts Justin’s rose. She probably felt sorry for him since he sweat through his entire shirt waiting on her.

We later learn that Cassandra and Justin’s romance did not pan out. Shocking! Once again, geography is the culprit for its demise. However, Cassandra did find love with Jonathan! They just happened to meet when she was doing his makeup for a commercial. And they are in love.

I knew it—Mike Fleiss is everywhere.

JADE AND TANNER
Jade and Tanner had some really big moments in this hour. First, Jade wore PANTS to the fantasy suite, which is a first in Bachelor franchise history. Wild mustang indeed. Second, the couple exchanged “I love you’s” on live TV. Third, Uncle Neil flew over to help Tanner pick out a ring so he could propose to Jade on live TV. Fourth, they will more than likely get fake married on live TV like Lacey and What’s His Name did this year. Hooray!

Tanner tried to fake us out (didn’t work) by pretending that he couldn’t give the rose to Jade. A rose isn’t enough! She deserves diamonds! He gets down on one knee, and then leans on said knee because he’s freaking dehydrated, and proposes. She accepts and everything is magical!

Except that part where they have to champagne toast with the two remaining couples who are pretty much strangers or enemies.

And they all lived happily ever after for their contractually obligated amounts of time.

The end.

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97 Comments on "‘Bachelor in Paradise’ finale recap: First comes love"

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Taryn Gray
Taryn Gray

I’m definitely going to miss your recaps far more than the actual TV show! Looking forward to spending the winter with you and Peter Brady though. Thanks for the hilarious reads!

Kelli

I’m going to miss your recaps too! January is too far away. 🙁

I’m happy for Jade and Tanner. I was sure hoping they ended up together! They seem freshingly normal. And yeah, I’ve seen Carly and Jade all over social media as BFF’s. I was hoping that Carly was with Dan because they’re always hanging out but they’re just friends. I think Carly may pop up in future Bachelor franchise shows.

Tenley is still one of my favorites! I knew that Joshua wasn’t for her. She’s been very forthcoming about her faith lately on social media and her blog which I love. And I hate that they keep calling her “old”. She’s younger than me!

delyla
delyla

I missed last night because the Buckeyes were playing and I have my priorities in line. 🙂
I did DVR it but I felt it would be pretty boring since Sunday nights exodus seemed to be the highlight of the 3 hours. I’ll probably watch the After show.
Can’t believe we have no Bach until Jan.

CO Kathleen
CO Kathleen

Paradise ended up being a pretty good season for entertainment and drama and thank you for your hilarious recaps!! I really enjoy your writing.

I love that Jade and Tanner ended up together as they seem to be a good fit. Totally agree that Samantha was in damage control mode hanging in there with Nick. In the After show, they said they were still together but I bet it doesn’t last and was still just part of her effort to come across sincere.

I love Tenley, too. She’s kind in all her communication. I hope to hear she finds what she’s looking for one day. Cassandra also seems like a sweet, young lady and it looks like her and Jonathan are happy. Good for them!

I’ll be checking your blog from time-to-time and looking forward to your recaps on Peter next year.

Thanks again, Lincee!

Co Kelli
Co Kelli

Samantha’s body language says it all–she really doesn’t like Nick, she just needed to do damage control. She was kissing him with a closed mouth and acting like she really didn’t want to kiss him. She turned her head a couple of times. Poor little Tenley–she should have gone for the federal prosecutor instead of breaking Joshua’s heart. At least she did it before the contractual 3 month period. Thanks for a great summer season, Lincee! See you in January. Or whenever Peter Brady’s season starts.

Carol S.
Carol S.

Anyone else think Tanner was so lucky to get spurned by Kaitlyn? Jade was such an upgrade. Fun blog.

Mari
Mari

I love Jade! She came across as so real, genuine and caring on BIP! I’m so happy for her and Tanner!

Patrick
Patrick

As if Jade wasn’t perfect enough…

she gives Tanner a hand while getting up from his knee after proposing.

Kat
Kat

I noticed that too!!!! It was the cutest thing. I have adored her since Chris’s season and am so glad she seems to have found a special guy.

Wenda
Wenda

Fav line: If that doesn’t work, he’ll always have Molly. LOL!
Jade and Tanner are so cute together. I hope it works out for them.
I’m looking forward to Bachelor. Ben is so cute and real and seems like a good catch. My daughter met him recently and said he was super nice. She even got a picture with him!

Danielle
Danielle

Favorite line: “If that doesn’t work, he’ll always have Molly.”

Sarah
Sarah

What ever happened to that little voice snipet early on when someone said they thought they were pregnant??!! Do you remember that? I think someone said something like you aren’t a virgin anymore and you think you are pregnant??!! Please tell me you remember that? I’m confused!!

Vicki
Vicki

Sarah, you are RIGHT!!!! What ever happened to that???

tracy
tracy

yes! i wondered about that, too.

baseballmama
baseballmama

I remember that too. It was Ashley Eyelashes.

Lisa
Lisa

I know! I’ve been wondering about that too. Because I don’t think Jared would have had sex with Ashley I knowing that he wasn’t in it for a relationship. I think he’s too nice for that.

Sincethebeginning
Sincethebeginning

I got the impression there was so much OTHER drama, they ended up not using the story line. I could be wrong, but I also can’t come up with any other reason.

baseballmama
baseballmama

I’m happy for Jade and Tanner. they seemed very normal not only together but when talking about the others. And just a bit snarky. which I love. once again Carly that I really liked came across as somewhat mean. I actually felt sorry for Kirk and Jared. I feel like Ashley eyelashes and Carly basically marked them as their territory night one and they were too terrified to explore other options.

kRIS
kRIS

Carly was mean when she was one of the girls on the Bachelor, too .. remember? She was okay at first, and then she got all into controlling Machievellian plotting and trying to do one of the girls in. She constructed this relationship with Kirk and pushed ahead regardless of his feelings. He is a typical non-confrontative guy who doesn’t handle things forthrightly or well, but Carly was a force to be reckoned with. If someone had said to me that he or she would be out at the very first sign of a problem in the relationship, that would be my cue to exit. Red flag indeed! No wonder if he wasn’t entirely prepared to have her walk that he didn’t say anything.

baseballmama
baseballmama

I do remember that. I thought she was funny then towards the end she just seemed mean. This time I thought the same thing. and on the after show I thought she was awful.

Kupid'o
Kupid'o

I did not see or hear Carly present herself as mean or hurtful or spiteful once, and that includes the after-show. She was completely within her right to treat Kirk as she did – he was a total tool, treated her horrendously, humiliated her through his inept, indecisive and wussy course of action. Actually, she was nicer than he deserved.
Once everything has been said, what is the point to keep going over it again and again, as Kirk wanted to, both on the BIP and the ATP? So that maybe on the third of fourth iteration he can finally manage to come across as less of a jackass? Carly had her feelings to protect, and she did a good job of it. Kirk got what he deserved.

Anna Marie
Anna Marie

lololololol! Both recaps… killed it!
Since the show is now over (for now) would you just keep track of all the Bachelor and Bachelorette rejects in their every day life (via Instagram and Snap Chat) and still do your recaps? My health depends on it! Thank you!!! lol
(I think this is actually a GREAT idea! *thumbs up)

Leslie D
Leslie D

Anna Marie, I so totally agree! I am wearing black tomorrow since this is the last Bachelor recap until January!

Lincee, I love your recaps. Here’s one of my fav lines from this recap:
CASSANDRA AND JUSTIN
Cassandra and Justin have known each other for 24-hours now, which is plenty of time to know if you want to have and hold this person forever. She’s got a banging body and he as a perpetual duck-face. What more do they need?

Ruby
Ruby

I’d like to fondly look back on a few of the fashion choices in the last two episodes. It shouldn’t have gotten any worse than I Lashes’ “I Am Kim” number and Nick’s plaid shirts on his dates, but it sure did. Juelia’s macrame swimsuit required her to hike her bottom’s up as she ran from Mikey so her crack wouldn’t show. On the flip side, they used that blurry box for Jaclyn’s swimsuit just to be rude. They forgot to blur it in a scene, and the onesie she came into paradise wearing should have been blurred before the swimsuit bottoms. However, her rose ceremony dress was in a class all it’s own. She was either channeling her inner Elvira, or she had the dress on backward. She sure makes for some entertaining tv, though. More doily outfits, more halter tops, more close ups of Josh’s ugly flower tattoos (what?).

Leslie D
Leslie D

Ruby, you are dead on about Jaclyn’s dress. Sadly, she reminds me of a niece of mine………..

Erin D
Erin D

It only just occurred to me, but is having Jorge at the end of the opening credits a nod to The Love Boat? (For those of you, like me, old enough to remember The Love Boat!)

Lisa
Lisa

ha ha ha! totally!

Emily Condit

Hey, Lincee!

I don’t think a 5-year-old would have been fooled by Tanner’s “no rose for you” psych-out. I’m so happy for them though. The last time I felt a love buzz off of this show was when Desiree and Chris got engaged. It’s been too long!

Great recaps all season! I’m in awe.

Here’s a link to my recap of the finale of BIP which contains a link to my article on how I tried and failed to befriend Nick Viall on Twitter: http://cafeemily.com/bachelor-in-paradise-recap-week-6-finale/

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