‘Bachelor in Paradise’ finale recap: First comes love

funny bachelor recap-Bachelor in Paradise

After six weeks, Jade and Tanner found love on Bachelor in Paradise. Mike Fleiss is smiling in a big pile of money as he watches his franchise continue to grow in potential success stories. Harrison has left the island for an undisclosed roomful of taut women in PG-Rated bikinis. No, he’s not traveling with a harem—he’s the emcee of the Miss America pageant airing this Sunday on your local ABC station! And Jorge has mixed his last drink and will go back to his extremely lucrative practice as a psychotherapist in Guadalajara.

Other than Samanthagate, the rise and fall of Carly/Kirk and the Great Exodus of Every Second Tier Player, I’d say this season was a victory! Allow me to give you the 4-1-1 on our season two Bachelor in Paradise finale:

TENLEY AND JOSHUA
As I suspected from the beginning, Tenley isn’t really feeling Joshua as her soul mate. He’s wonderful and he certainly makes her feel cherished, but there’s definitely something missing that she can’t put her finger on. My guess is that people don’t address him as “His Royal Highness” and there isn’t a sketch of Joshua’s silhouette on his country’s currency.

Tenley takes to her journal to scribble words like “whimsical attachment” and “know stirring”(?) and “brand new chap.” At first I thought it was obvious that she needs to let him go because why would you be writing yourself a note to buy brand new chapstick in your dream journal entry about Joshua? One of my friends guessed that she was thinking about a brand new chapter. That makes a lot more sense.

Her emotions continue to swirl as she preps for the overnight date. She drops tiny little hints about how Carly and Kirk’s break-up freaked her out. Joshua barrels through the insecurities and tells her that he wants to give this a chance. He wants a relationship outside of Paradise. He sees a future. I almost see her butt crack when she leans over

The next day, Harrison saunters in wearing a shirt that has been dyed to match his eyes. He tells the remaining couples that they must PROPOSE AND GET MARRIED or leave each other forever. This makes Tenley’s head hurt. Or it may have been her head floss adornment. I’m not sure. Regardless, she gets dressed in her best hot pink number, walks to the wooden rose holder proposal pedestal and uses no less than 37 compliments to let Joshua down easy. She will not be joining him after Paradise. Sixty-percent of the blame goes to geographical differences, 20-percent goes to her own heart not feeling it and the remaining 20-percent goes to that horrific hula girl tattoo.

Don’t worry about Tenley. She’ll be fine. Some charming man with a white horse will definitely rescue her if only she remembers to let down her hair so he can climb up the tower. And Joshua will be fine too. He’s got enough iron roses to hand out. If that doesn’t work, he’ll always have Molly.

SAMANTHA AND NICK
I don’t buy this relationship for one second. Samantha needed an out. She’s a smart business woman. Everything inside of her is screaming, “DAMAGE CONTROL.” She has to know that her reputation was scarred with Samanthagate and the best way to make nice is to find one of the leftover guys and pretend to like him. I believe Nick was the Chosen One (over Dan and Justin) because her cover-up story needs to be plausible. Nick mentioned several times that he and Samantha had been talking FOR MONTHS before the show. Therefore, it’s not weird when she confesses to the camera that she was blinded by Joe and Nick was THE ONE all along. She accepts Nick’s final rose. Vomit.

CASSANDRA AND JUSTIN
Cassandra and Justin have known each other for 24-hours now, which is plenty of time to know if you want to have and hold this person forever. She’s got a banging body and he as a perpetual duck-face. What more do they need?

Justin tries to subliminally win Cassandra over by wearing red Ames pants to the fantasy date. This does not work on Cassandra mainly because the actual Ames is not sitting there in the red pants. She pumps the brakes. She doesn’t want to forgo her individual crappy room for a fancy suite because she’s had a longer relationship with a package of Orbit sweet mint gum in her purse, than she’s had with Justin. Plus, she’s a mom and she thinks that would be highly inappropriate.

The cameras show Cassandra symbolically blowing out a candle. Is her relationship with Justin practically over before it began?

I guess they just needed and action shot, because the next day, Cassandra accepts Justin’s rose. She probably felt sorry for him since he sweat through his entire shirt waiting on her.

We later learn that Cassandra and Justin’s romance did not pan out. Shocking! Once again, geography is the culprit for its demise. However, Cassandra did find love with Jonathan! They just happened to meet when she was doing his makeup for a commercial. And they are in love.

I knew it—Mike Fleiss is everywhere.

JADE AND TANNER
Jade and Tanner had some really big moments in this hour. First, Jade wore PANTS to the fantasy suite, which is a first in Bachelor franchise history. Wild mustang indeed. Second, the couple exchanged “I love you’s” on live TV. Third, Uncle Neil flew over to help Tanner pick out a ring so he could propose to Jade on live TV. Fourth, they will more than likely get fake married on live TV like Lacey and What’s His Name did this year. Hooray!

Tanner tried to fake us out (didn’t work) by pretending that he couldn’t give the rose to Jade. A rose isn’t enough! She deserves diamonds! He gets down on one knee, and then leans on said knee because he’s freaking dehydrated, and proposes. She accepts and everything is magical!

Except that part where they have to champagne toast with the two remaining couples who are pretty much strangers or enemies.

And they all lived happily ever after for their contractually obligated amounts of time.

The end.

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