I have thoughts about Bachelor in Paradise. The obvious thought is clearly all the money earmarked for Kaitlyn’s season of The Bachelorette was spent in Paradise when someone got a really good deal with the Irish Better Business Bureau. These fools have it made! According to the opening montage, there will be carriage rides and bungee jumping and bartenders on the beach who know your name! It’s like a summer camp version of Cheers.

Our Host Chris Harrison is dressed in his loveliest gingham shirt, ready to kick off season 2 with a personal valet named Pauly who brings him coconut drinks on demand. He delivers his ridiculous speech with aplomb, knowing that after this 30-second intro, he’s kickin’ it on his own private island a mile off the coast for a few days until the rose ceremony. Or a bachelor franchise wedding. Whatever.

Let the games begin.

Jade arrives first. She publicly thanks America for supporting her decision to pose for Playboy and is immediately drawn to Jared even though his patchy beard is back. This does not deter Tenley from hoisting her strapless romper and joining Jared and Jade on the beach. Tenley reminds us that she dated Kiptyn for five years before he left to become a baby daddy. She’s determined not to let the bitterness spoil her happiness. What would the woodland creatures who follow her around think?

Cruise Ship Carly rounds out the first wave of individuals trying to find love. Yes, her eyebrows are a tad unfortunate, and her hair is majorly frosted (adjective from my mother), but I still love her. Her zingers are the best!

Jonathan and Tanner meander down the stairs and head straight for the bar, evening out the men to women ratio. Mikey T. soon joins them and the first thing he contributes to the conversation is that he’s an Alpha male who is competitive and likes to be in charge. He also offers to help get Tanner in shape. I too shall call him Meathead. Bless him.

Ashley I-Lashes has also been invited to Paradise. She’s still a virgin and her baby sister Lauren is the “slut version” of her. I wonder which princess Lauren identifies with? Probably Snow White since she lived with seven men.

Why am I talking about Ashley I-Lashes sister so much? I’m glad you asked. Lauren has been smuggled invited along to Paradise so Ash can have someone to complain to besides the poor camera people. Also, we need some unnecessary drama when they will INEVITABLY get in a fight about either liking the same boy or Lauren being more popular than Ashley I-Lashes.

Carly: Were we supposed to bring a sibling?

Please color commentate this season Carly. I beg you.

When Ash arrives with Lauren, Tenley immediately tosses out the “no fair” card, which is later countered with Lauren’s “Tenley and Juelia are old” defense. Nice. Lauren admits that she’s there for the “wrong reasons” and will do what she wants to do. Alpha Meathead is extremely attracted to this attitude and immediately makes a move on Lauren, ushering her into the water away from the herd. Ash finds this “funny,” but her eyelashes don’t agree. Lauren has been on the beach five minutes and is already taken.

Ash: I’m NOT jealous of Lauren. I’m the pickiest princess alive. I have to hold out for Aladdin.
Lincee: So you can show him your world. We know.

Lauren finds her sister to whine about Meathead and how he’s already “claimed” her. She’s annoyed because Jared is clearly the hottest guy there. Ashley quickly calls dibs on Jared, knowing he could be the one to take her on a magic carpet ride. Lauren concedes. She’s in Paradise because of her sister. The least she can do is give her the Baldwin.

Jillian arrives in an electric yellow bikini, new boobs and everyone’s favorite black modesty box. I would be willing to bet that she didn’t pack one article of real clothing. JJ arrives next in pink pants. I would be willing to bet that he didn’t pack one social filter.

Then Ashley Onion picks her way through the jungle and is distracted by a cage full of birds that she immediately adopts as her own. She’s in full rando mode. Kirk is baffled by her “inability to conversate.”

Harrison arrives a few seconds later in what appears to be a lavender suit. Even Lauren did a double take when she spotted him. Probably because he smelled like tequila, sea spray and frivolity. Our Host gives the rundown on the rose ceremonies (read: if you haven’t hooked up, you’re going home) and announces that the sisters are a package deal. If one goes, they both go. Then he invites everyone to join him on the beach for Marcus and Lacy’s wedding. Because nothing says lifelong covenant like a bunch of Bachelor franchise rejects (who are also strangers) making up more than half of your entire wedding party. To the happy couple! Now can someone tell the ABC Intern to get Marcus a handkerchief for heaven’s sake?

After Juelia catches the bouquet, the wedding crashers head back to their tree houses to get to know one another better. For some reason, this makes Lauren cry. Meathead Mikey asks, “What’s the matter with you?” with the gentleness of surly construction worker on his lunch break. I was actually proud that he didn’t inquire if she was on her period. Instead, he becomes frustrated that she couldn’t talk because of all the sobbing.

Lauren confesses to Ashley that she’s not having fun because everyone is old. She doesn’t like anyone in Paradise, or people in general for that matter, and she wants to go home. Ashley convinces Lauren to go to sleep in her swimsuit and funky sand feet while she puts on her lucky bikini so she can solidify her relationship with Jared. Ash tells the camera that she’s super nervous and then she starts crying for no reason.

Meanwhile, Kirk and Carly find a corner so he can make fun of her for having tiny hands. He follows up that sweet compliment with, “I didn’t expect to have an emotional and physical connection so soon.” After a few awkward pauses, Carly swoops in for the initial lip lock, but Kirk quickly takes over. It’s one of the best kisses Carly has ever had. Both head in different directions to tell their BFFs that they made out. Everyone assumes they are going together and fully expect Kirk to ask Carly to Homecoming the next week.

Ashley finally plucks the courage to have a conversation with Jared after two hours of silently sitting beside him at the bonfire. This is a direct quote from the riveting conversation:

Ash: Do you guys know that I, like had my whole princess thing last season? Well I don’t even give a crap about Cinderella. Like, Jasmine is my princess.
Tanner: You look like Jasmine!
Ash: OMG! Thank you! That’s like the nicest compliment anyone could ever give me.

Naturally, Ashley thinks that went well, even though Jared stared into the fire, brooding over his recent break from Kaitlyn. Ash translates Tanner’s compliment as “solidifying the moment” with Jared. Interesting. It’s all butterflies, rainbows and genie lamps until Jared asks Jade to join him for a moonlit walk on the beach. The logical thing for Ashley to do is grab Jillian and her black modesty box and spy from the gazebo. She is convinced they are making out (which they were not) so she cries about it. And that morphs into maniacal laughter.

This is Bachelor in Paradise, folks.

The next morning, Lauren wakes Ashley up with a cheerful, “You’re so sweaty, you’re freaking me out.” Ashley puts ice on her face to help with the puffiness. Fortunately, she is chosen to be the first one-on-one date! She gets to pick anyone to “get dirty” with her. She and Lauren excuse themselves to practice how to ask Jared on the date. The entire party eyes Jared, noting that he looks like he’s about ready to hurl. JJ uses one of his ten dollar words and describes Jared’s general outlook as “morose.”

Lauren coaches Ashley through her speech while berating her for not knowing how to properly apply foundation. This makes Ashley cry.

Ashley walks up to Jared, turns on the charm and asks him to join her on the date. We watch footage of the happy couple in a dune buggy together, while Ashely explains why she and Jared (a Pisces and a Scorpio) are MFEO. Back at camp, Mikey Meathead stirs the pot asking Jade if she’s jealous that Jared is with Ashley.

Meanwhile, Tanner tells Kirk that everyone assumes Carly is officially off the market after day one. Kirk looks a little concerned that there’s so much pressure to give Carly his letter jacket, but he quickly changes the subject to Tanner’s crush—Jade. As luck would have it, Jade gets the next date card and she chooses Tanner! Ashley is relieved Jade didn’t pick Jared and bats her eyelashes confidently until her sister points out that she has chosen ridiculous footwear for her return trip back to Paradise from her date with Jared. This makes Ashley cry.

At dinner, Tanner makes sure to tell Jade that even though The Farmer ditched her after he found out she was a Playboy model, he thinks that she is awesome and he’s proud of her for owning that moment. That’s code for, “Do you have the video on your phone?” Tanner makes sure to open up (something he failed to do with Kaitlyn). He even tells Jade that she is the one every guy wants to date. He feels lucky that she chose him and she rewards him with a huge kiss.

Jade invites Tanner to “get out of his comfort zone” with a little river walking. On sharp rocks. In their underwear. With lightning all around. Is the threat of electrocution considered an aphrodisiac? Or is this the maverick side of Jade tempting Mother Nature?

The show ends abruptly with Ashley Onion being lifted onto a stretcher with a look on her face that says, “Who his this guy again?” as Dan joins her in the back of the amulancia. We still don’t know what happened to her. With all the bird kissing, my guess is Avian flu.

A storm brews in the distance. We hear the familiar click, click, click of manolo blahniks coming down the cobblestone path. Lightning strikes, thunder rolls and in walks Clare. She’s back. She’s ready for love. And she’s interested in Jared, Tanner and Kirk.

Hunker down people. Hurricane Clare is on the move.