‘Bachelor in Paradise’ recap: Indescribable feelings

funny bachelor recap-Bachelor in Paradise

I have thoughts about Bachelor in Paradise. The obvious thought is clearly all the money earmarked for Kaitlyn’s season of The Bachelorette was spent in Paradise when someone got a really good deal with the Irish Better Business Bureau. These fools have it made! According to the opening montage, there will be carriage rides and bungee jumping and bartenders on the beach who know your name! It’s like a summer camp version of Cheers.

Our Host Chris Harrison is dressed in his loveliest gingham shirt, ready to kick off season 2 with a personal valet named Pauly who brings him coconut drinks on demand. He delivers his ridiculous speech with aplomb, knowing that after this 30-second intro, he’s kickin’ it on his own private island a mile off the coast for a few days until the rose ceremony. Or a bachelor franchise wedding. Whatever.

Let the games begin.

Jade arrives first. She publicly thanks America for supporting her decision to pose for Playboy and is immediately drawn to Jared even though his patchy beard is back. This does not deter Tenley from hoisting her strapless romper and joining Jared and Jade on the beach. Tenley reminds us that she dated Kiptyn for five years before he left to become a baby daddy. She’s determined not to let the bitterness spoil her happiness. What would the woodland creatures who follow her around think?

Cruise Ship Carly rounds out the first wave of individuals trying to find love. Yes, her eyebrows are a tad unfortunate, and her hair is majorly frosted (adjective from my mother), but I still love her. Her zingers are the best!

Jonathan and Tanner meander down the stairs and head straight for the bar, evening out the men to women ratio. Mikey T. soon joins them and the first thing he contributes to the conversation is that he’s an Alpha male who is competitive and likes to be in charge. He also offers to help get Tanner in shape. I too shall call him Meathead. Bless him.

Ashley I-Lashes has also been invited to Paradise. She’s still a virgin and her baby sister Lauren is the “slut version” of her. I wonder which princess Lauren identifies with? Probably Snow White since she lived with seven men.

Why am I talking about Ashley I-Lashes sister so much? I’m glad you asked. Lauren has been smuggled invited along to Paradise so Ash can have someone to complain to besides the poor camera people. Also, we need some unnecessary drama when they will INEVITABLY get in a fight about either liking the same boy or Lauren being more popular than Ashley I-Lashes.

Carly: Were we supposed to bring a sibling?

Please color commentate this season Carly. I beg you.

When Ash arrives with Lauren, Tenley immediately tosses out the “no fair” card, which is later countered with Lauren’s “Tenley and Juelia are old” defense. Nice. Lauren admits that she’s there for the “wrong reasons” and will do what she wants to do. Alpha Meathead is extremely attracted to this attitude and immediately makes a move on Lauren, ushering her into the water away from the herd. Ash finds this “funny,” but her eyelashes don’t agree. Lauren has been on the beach five minutes and is already taken.

Ash: I’m NOT jealous of Lauren. I’m the pickiest princess alive. I have to hold out for Aladdin.
Lincee: So you can show him your world. We know.

Lauren finds her sister to whine about Meathead and how he’s already “claimed” her. She’s annoyed because Jared is clearly the hottest guy there. Ashley quickly calls dibs on Jared, knowing he could be the one to take her on a magic carpet ride. Lauren concedes. She’s in Paradise because of her sister. The least she can do is give her the Baldwin.

Jillian arrives in an electric yellow bikini, new boobs and everyone’s favorite black modesty box. I would be willing to bet that she didn’t pack one article of real clothing. JJ arrives next in pink pants. I would be willing to bet that he didn’t pack one social filter.

Then Ashley Onion picks her way through the jungle and is distracted by a cage full of birds that she immediately adopts as her own. She’s in full rando mode. Kirk is baffled by her “inability to conversate.”

funny bachelor recap-Jim Halpert

Harrison arrives a few seconds later in what appears to be a lavender suit. Even Lauren did a double take when she spotted him. Probably because he smelled like tequila, sea spray and frivolity. Our Host gives the rundown on the rose ceremonies (read: if you haven’t hooked up, you’re going home) and announces that the sisters are a package deal. If one goes, they both go. Then he invites everyone to join him on the beach for Marcus and Lacy’s wedding. Because nothing says lifelong covenant like a bunch of Bachelor franchise rejects (who are also strangers) making up more than half of your entire wedding party. To the happy couple! Now can someone tell the ABC Intern to get Marcus a handkerchief for heaven’s sake?

After Juelia catches the bouquet, the wedding crashers head back to their tree houses to get to know one another better. For some reason, this makes Lauren cry. Meathead Mikey asks, “What’s the matter with you?” with the gentleness of surly construction worker on his lunch break. I was actually proud that he didn’t inquire if she was on her period. Instead, he becomes frustrated that she couldn’t talk because of all the sobbing.

Lauren confesses to Ashley that she’s not having fun because everyone is old. She doesn’t like anyone in Paradise, or people in general for that matter, and she wants to go home. Ashley convinces Lauren to go to sleep in her swimsuit and funky sand feet while she puts on her lucky bikini so she can solidify her relationship with Jared. Ash tells the camera that she’s super nervous and then she starts crying for no reason.

funny bachelor recap-Bachelor in Paradise

Meanwhile, Kirk and Carly find a corner so he can make fun of her for having tiny hands. He follows up that sweet compliment with, “I didn’t expect to have an emotional and physical connection so soon.” After a few awkward pauses, Carly swoops in for the initial lip lock, but Kirk quickly takes over. It’s one of the best kisses Carly has ever had. Both head in different directions to tell their BFFs that they made out. Everyone assumes they are going together and fully expect Kirk to ask Carly to Homecoming the next week.

Ashley finally plucks the courage to have a conversation with Jared after two hours of silently sitting beside him at the bonfire. This is a direct quote from the riveting conversation:

Ash: Do you guys know that I, like had my whole princess thing last season? Well I don’t even give a crap about Cinderella. Like, Jasmine is my princess.
Tanner: You look like Jasmine!
Ash: OMG! Thank you! That’s like the nicest compliment anyone could ever give me.

Naturally, Ashley thinks that went well, even though Jared stared into the fire, brooding over his recent break from Kaitlyn. Ash translates Tanner’s compliment as “solidifying the moment” with Jared. Interesting. It’s all butterflies, rainbows and genie lamps until Jared asks Jade to join him for a moonlit walk on the beach. The logical thing for Ashley to do is grab Jillian and her black modesty box and spy from the gazebo. She is convinced they are making out (which they were not) so she cries about it. And that morphs into maniacal laughter.

funny bachelor recap-Bachelor in Paradise

This is Bachelor in Paradise, folks.

The next morning, Lauren wakes Ashley up with a cheerful, “You’re so sweaty, you’re freaking me out.” Ashley puts ice on her face to help with the puffiness. Fortunately, she is chosen to be the first one-on-one date! She gets to pick anyone to “get dirty” with her. She and Lauren excuse themselves to practice how to ask Jared on the date. The entire party eyes Jared, noting that he looks like he’s about ready to hurl. JJ uses one of his ten dollar words and describes Jared’s general outlook as “morose.”

Lauren coaches Ashley through her speech while berating her for not knowing how to properly apply foundation. This makes Ashley cry.

funny bachelor recap-Bachelor in Paradise 1

Ashley walks up to Jared, turns on the charm and asks him to join her on the date. We watch footage of the happy couple in a dune buggy together, while Ashely explains why she and Jared (a Pisces and a Scorpio) are MFEO. Back at camp, Mikey Meathead stirs the pot asking Jade if she’s jealous that Jared is with Ashley.

Meanwhile, Tanner tells Kirk that everyone assumes Carly is officially off the market after day one. Kirk looks a little concerned that there’s so much pressure to give Carly his letter jacket, but he quickly changes the subject to Tanner’s crush—Jade. As luck would have it, Jade gets the next date card and she chooses Tanner! Ashley is relieved Jade didn’t pick Jared and bats her eyelashes confidently until her sister points out that she has chosen ridiculous footwear for her return trip back to Paradise from her date with Jared. This makes Ashley cry.

At dinner, Tanner makes sure to tell Jade that even though The Farmer ditched her after he found out she was a Playboy model, he thinks that she is awesome and he’s proud of her for owning that moment. That’s code for, “Do you have the video on your phone?” Tanner makes sure to open up (something he failed to do with Kaitlyn). He even tells Jade that she is the one every guy wants to date. He feels lucky that she chose him and she rewards him with a huge kiss.

Jade invites Tanner to “get out of his comfort zone” with a little river walking. On sharp rocks. In their underwear. With lightning all around. Is the threat of electrocution considered an aphrodisiac? Or is this the maverick side of Jade tempting Mother Nature?

The show ends abruptly with Ashley Onion being lifted onto a stretcher with a look on her face that says, “Who his this guy again?” as Dan joins her in the back of the amulancia. We still don’t know what happened to her. With all the bird kissing, my guess is Avian flu.

A storm brews in the distance. We hear the familiar click, click, click of manolo blahniks coming down the cobblestone path. Lightning strikes, thunder rolls and in walks Clare. She’s back. She’s ready for love. And she’s interested in Jared, Tanner and Kirk.

Hunker down people. Hurricane Clare is on the move.

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80 Comments on "‘Bachelor in Paradise’ recap: Indescribable feelings"

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Leslie
Leslie

I actually did forget to set my dvr for it so thank you Lincee for bringing your A-game to this recap. I am crying at work I am laughing so hard!

Lincee

You’re not the only one crying, Leslie!

Liana
Liana

I am so glad you picked up on Carly’s hair, eyebrows (WTH?), and eyelashes. She looked awful. Hopefully she’ll stay funny and not cross the line into mean girl as she did on the Bachelor.
Great recap. Funny as always.

Lincee

Thanks Liana! I think Carly will be our comic relief.

Zandi
Zandi

I absolutely LOVE Carly (eyebrows aside)
…..she cracks me up. I hope she & Capt Kirk stay away from the drama and make it work.

April
April

Am I crazy, or does Carly look a little bit like a bleached blond mime version of Lindsay Lohan now? Not that it matters.

Jersey
Jersey

Crazy.

suzi
suzi

who is marcus and lacy? were they even on a season? why does everything think jared is so hot, I find him icky with the inability to grow a real man beard.

Kari K
Kari K

I don’t get Jared either. He’s a sweet kid, but he looks so much like one of my brothers, there’s an ick factor there.

white

thankyou! i find jared to have that super creepy serial killer look–if i look at him sideways with my eyes squinted, he sorta looks supermodel-y, but that facial hair negates it. UGGH cant stand his hair hanging over his ears too! find this boy a barber.

marcus and lacy fell in love last season on bip—i like them and altho it was WEIRD that indeed their wedding was a surprise full of bach reject strangers, i was totally caught off guard and liked it. i like them–

Trish
Trish

Thank You! I think Jared is super creepy too, I thought I was the only one

melusine
melusine

american psycho like kahlon

Brandy
Brandy

Thank you!! I always thought that Jared looked a little Richard Ramirez Night Stalkerish. He’s a nice guy, but he has that creepy look about him. 🙂

baseballmama
baseballmama

I actually went back and watched Jared again to figure out what the big deal was. Do not understand anyone thinking he is the hot one. Maybe if he shaved and got a decent haircut, but right now he looks like that high school kid that wants to have a beard and it just doesn’t come in. weird

Lincee

Marcus and Lacy found love on last season’s Bachelor in Paradise. This proves that the formula works. Or something like that. thanks for the comment Suzi!

Alicia
Alicia

“Kirk is baffled by her “inability to conversate.” Oh the irony in his statement….LOL!

Lincee

Exactly. Bless him.

Great recap!
Great recap!

Awesome recap as always! 😀

People pick on Carly’s eyebrows too much. She has a thyroid disorder that causes hair loss and she’s self conscious about it. What is it with people judging each other over eyebrows all the time since 2014? Why is that the new thing people are obsessed with?

I’ve had enough of Kardashley & Kartrashley already. They should never have allowed Kartrashley on the show. She doesn’t even go here!

I’m super psyched that Tanner finally gets the girl! He’s so funny and seems like a sweet guy, and he and Jade are a cute couple!

Lincee

I hope Tanner gets a girl too. I’m afraid he may have a little competition with Jared though. Fingers crossed!

DaisyTracy
DaisyTracy

Oh I’m lovin’ the new nicknames “Kardashley and Kartrashley”—-perfect! Well done “Great Recap” And wtf is up with the crying….non-stop for no reason on earth…..these two make a bunch of grade 2 girls seem mature and together in comparison!

Guest
Guest

I think what Kirk actually said was that he thought Ashley S. would have an inability to conversate but that actually that was not the case when he met her.

Leeanne
Leeanne

That is what I heard too. Great recap Lincee!

Alicia
Alicia

The irony here is at “conversate” is not an actual word. You “converse” or you “make conversation.”

Alicia
Alicia

* that

Lincee

Thanks Guest. I feel like I’m back at Disney World calling people “guest” while you’re getting on the Jungle Cruise.

Conversate is not a word. I’m 98% sure. That’s what made it so funny to me!

Love Kirk.

chiromom
chiromom

Lincee – I’m 80/40 that you are correct. 😉

Tanya T.
Tanya T.

Well Played!

Guest
Guest

Lol! Well I will most definitely continue commenting as ‘guest’ if it conjures thoughts of Disney World & Jungle Cruise! I remember that ride well!!

Sheesh
Sheesh

It is now.

Marla
Marla

You’re correct, Guest! While the funny part was that he said “coversate”, he did express surprise that she seemed relatively normal.

Marla
Marla

*conversate

Margo

I, too, forgot to set my DVR so totally relied on you, Lincee. OMG such a clever witty recap. Can visualize the sisters via your prose. Thank you. DVR set for tonight, but can’t wait for you tomorrow. No pressure. haha
I wish ABC didn’t actually try to pass this sleepfest off as a ‘find your future spouse’. Its more like big brother for ending up with a hookup. YAY i sold my soul, i win!

white

love that last line! yay i sold my soul i win!! LOL!

Lincee

You do win Margo!

Shelley
Shelley

Wow, how can a younger sister have so much confidence and an older sister have so little? And it’s not about sleazy vs virginal either. What to say just rolls off Lauren’s tongue and Ashley can’t form sentences. I suspect Lauren will quit soon because she doesn’t do anything she doesn’t want to do. Ashley will cry. Someone get her some pasta with vodka sauce, hold the pasta!

Lincee

My thought is that another dude will show up who catches Lauren’s eye. Or she’ll just mess up everyone’s game and be the villain. She and JJ will end up together after a few too many vodka sauces…

Sheesh
Sheesh

Gross.

Sheesh
Sheesh

Watch how the younger sister undermines Ashley at every opportunity, that’s how you get to feel more confident. Also, bust a few balls to show how it’s done.

They are funny , I can see why abc wanted them together.

This show is lowest common denominator
This show is lowest common denominator

Unfortuately I did NOT forget to set my DVR. And what’s even more unfortunate is that I watched this POS show. What is wrong with me…My new nightmare is to be trapped in a room all day with the two Iaconetti sisters. I can’t even begin to catalogue all of the issues these two have. Equally sad: Marcus and Lacy’s “wedding.” My goodness, I hope they had a real service and ceremony elsewhere. What we saw last night was like when you really want rich, high-quality ice cream but there isn’t any left so you have to settle for that lime popsicle that’s been stuck to the corner of your freezer for three years.

Lincee

I assume they had an actual ceremony with real family and friends before agreeing to be the “this really works!” poster children for the show. Free trip to Mexico!

Lyn in Denver...err...Loveland
Lyn in Denver...err...Loveland

I have been to some very laid back weddings, but never once has an invited stranger showed up in a booty showing, enhanced breast neon yellow bikini. She couldn’t have been handed a sarong? shoot, how about a placemat?

Sheesh
Sheesh

Well, who couldn’t use an extra 100 grand to kick-start wedded bliss, was the only thing I could think of after that, and yes they do look made for each other.

DaisyTracy
DaisyTracy

“This show is lowest common denominator”–yes to be trapped in a room with “Kardashley and Kartrashley” as a previous poster labelled them, would be a nightmare…only slightly worse than a few more episodes of having to watch and listen to these two mental institution rejects try and string sentences together. I seriously don’t think I have ever met women as ridiculous and stupid as this tag-team of dummies. I imagine their parents must be high fiving each other about what classy, intelligent, deep thinking girls they’ve raised.

Alison
Alison

One episode and they’ve already given you so much more to work with than you had in Katilyn’s entire boring season!! Let the games begin!!

Lincee

Indeed Alison!

Lyn in Denver...err...Loveland
Lyn in Denver...err...Loveland

I think they got stuck in Ireland because someone on the cast might not have been legally allowed to travel internationally aside from Ireland. This was my guess all season long.

Lindsay
Lindsay

Ashley I-Lashes looks just like Randall, the lizard from Monsters Inc! I’ve thought that ever since she was on The Bachelor the first time. Great recap!

Lincee

Interesting. I’ll have to Google that Lindsay!

Claiborne
Claiborne

Was it just me or did Marcus seem a bit disinterested at his wedding? My guess is it was very, very hot, but he seemed so giddy about Lacey at first.

Lincee

My guess is that he was trying not to pass out from a heat stroke.

Sheesh
Sheesh

His jacket was soaked through, poor guy should have asked for an extra 50.

Christen
Christen

The sisters are already on my last nerve!! They are so immature and annoying, I hope Clare asks Jared out and doesn’t wimp out this time and change her mind because another girl is interested in him.

Lincee

I love the sisters. They make my job easy!

DaisyTracy
DaisyTracy

I actually hope that Clare bitch smacks both those crazy sisters! That is a cat fight I could enjoy!

Eleanora
Eleanora

I actually feel bad for Ashley I. She is clearly insecure and does not have a lot of self-esteem. I think she means well but clearly BIP is not the place for her.

Lincee

Well said Eleanora. She needs to be the actual bachelorette so she can feel princess-like.

Jasmine…not Cinderella.

Jennifer
Jennifer

I was thrilled to see Tanner on BIP. I thought he was the best looking from Kaitlyn’s season BY FAR and could not believe he was so over looked by her! Jared the cutest??? No way !! GO TANNER !!

Lincee

GO TANNER! Until Joshua gets there. And Joe. GO TANNER JOSHUA AND JOE!

Trish
Trish

I’ve had a crush on Tanner from day one of Kaitlyn’s season. And he always has a hilarious comment to make

jennifer
jennifer

I agree Trish! Cute AND witty! Kaitlyn really dropped the ball on this one. Oh well. Someone else will scoop him up! Not 100% I like him with Jade or not tho. Time will tell……..

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