‘Bachelor in Paradise’ recap: The kids are not Mexican
Things started off kind of awkward on Bachelor in Paradise. Juelia gets stung by a jellyfish and Tenley is the only one with a full bladder to save the day. Let me be clear—this was not the awkward part. If I had to, I’d pee on any one of you.
The awkward part is the fact that neither one thought that Tenley should pee in a cup and then pour the urine onto Juelia’s leg. Instead, Juelia wedges her ankle between Tenley’s legs as she squats on a toilet. I guess Tenly was too tired from digging the big hole to think clearly.
Moving on!
Chelsea is trying to figure out who is going to get her date card. Will it be Dan who is in love with Samantha? Or Nick who is in love with Samantha? The personal trainer gets the invitation to be a baller for a day on a pimped out yacht. Bonus: Nick gets a break for Ashley’s wackadoodle ways!
Nick meanders up to Ashely S. and has the audacity to bother her WHILE SHE’S WATCHING HER FACE! He asks to talk to her and she tells him she will be done in 10 minutes. Lots of moisturizing going on. Once she makes her way to the balcony, Nick begins this delicate conversation with, “You smell like a brewery.” Then he tells her that the chemistry is not there and he’s going on a date with Chelsea. Bye Felicia.
The next thing we know, Mackenzie (the young mother who believes in aliens) enters the tree house and Ashley I-Lashes goes crazy with excitement! She whisks her away to tell her that she might be giving Jared her v-card later on because he looks just like a mixture of Ashton Kutcher and Joe Jonas. It is decided that Mackenzie should ask Justin out on a date because he also left his kid to find love in Paradise.
Meanwhile, Chelsea and Nick live it up on a boat. They sail right outside the tree house so everyone on the beach can wave while turning green with envy. Nick has zero attraction for Chelsea. But her cover-up does confirm that crochet beachwear is this season’s statement necklace and ubiquitous scarf.
Suddenly, Jaclyn arrives in a pin-striped romper straight from the “casual” section at Frederick’s of Hollywood. She’s from Groban’s season, but you probably don’t recognize her at first because she has short platinum hair and has relocated a few pounds from her body to her lips. She’s a self-proclaimed villain who doesn’t care if people are already “taken.” And to no one’s surprise, she has her eyes on Samantha.
Just kidding. She’s after Jared.
To quote Jaclyn, “Jared has poe-tench.” I had to phonetically spell that fake word. It’s slang for “potential.” Take a clue from Gretchen Weiner, Jaclyn. Potench is not going to happen.
Over on the sacrificial side of the island, Mackenzie and Justin partake in the worst first date ever, that ends with a pronouncement of marriage. The ceremony is pretty simple:
- Strip down to underwear
- Stand still as Mexican priest blows smoke up your butt
- Slather mud all over each other’s bodies
- Sponge off mud with water
- Tie a rope around your neck
- Drape a flag over your body
- Participate in a three-legged race
- Wear a crown of daisies on your head
- Blow a ceremonial seashell
- BOOM! Man and wife!
Mackenzie puzzles through the moment, wondering out loud if their kids are now Mexicans. Bless her sweet baby heart. Justin wants to swipe left, but it’s too late now. He is concerned that Mackenzie actually thinks they are married due to the fact that she takes great pride in telling everyone at dinner that they are indeed hitched. Once she lets it slide that she thinks mermaids are real, he considers the honeymoon phase over and asks Jorge if he knows anyone who can annul a fake marriage. Jorge makes a call. He knows a guy.
His name is Chris Harrison.
By this time, Jaclyn is officially putting the moves on Jared. Tanner admits that Kaitlyn’s Kastoffs are worried about their bro because Jared is such a nice guy. With that said, he sits a safe distance away so he can point and laugh while watching the drama unfold.
Ashley I-Lashes takes matters into her own hands. Instead of confronting the old lady, she rushes to Harrison, begging him for a fantasy date. AND HE GIVES HER ONE.
Just as Jaclyn asks Jared out on her one-on-one, Ashley runs up with a card in her hand. She rips open the envelope and before she can even read the hastily scribbled out message, she asks Jared to join her for an overnight date. He accepts.
Will Ashley I-Lashes lose her virginity on national television? Why is Jade crying so hard in the scenes from next week? WHO PROPOSES?!
Remember—this is a spoiler free zone!
My husband asked me when Jared & Jaclyn were talking last night if that was his mom. So, yeah…
Exactly. There’s no way she’s only 30.
You misunderstood: that’s “30” in dog years.
HARSH!
Mitigating factors:
‘Hey bitches!’ greeting
‘Poe-tench’
Asking whatshername aka Jeulia to breakdown the situation and then immediately interrupting her, saying ‘Yeah, I don’t care’ (then why did you ask?!)
That romper… Dressing like it’s Halloween and you’re going as a ‘Slutty Baby’ does not a 30 year old make.
Allowed 🙂
Now THAT made me giggle…
“The awkward part is the fact that neither one thought that Tenley should pee in a cup and then pour the urine onto Juelia’s leg. Instead, Juelia wedges her ankle between Tenley’s legs as she squats on a toilet. I guess Tenly was too tired from digging the big hole to think clearly.”
I just stopped laughing about this scenario this morning….and now this!!! How do I go on!!!!
First of all you pee on a sea urchin barb in your foot, not a jelly fish sting. And second of all it’s an urban myth that peeing on any kind of wound is helpful. Is there a doctor in the house?
…and third, can we say the word we’re all thinking — fetish?
I thought the awkward part was when Juelia practically bullied poor Tenley into doing this! Did you hear her passive aggressive, “Ok, well I would pee on you…” and Tenley replying with a hasty, “Okay Juelia! I said I would do it! Now please still be my friend! Pretty please?!”
I get this feeling that Jeulia is a super passive aggressive “victim” in all areas, not just jelly fish stings and Jackwagon Joes.
Also, this entire exchange was just too ridiculous.
Britt not Brit-
‘Jackwagon Joe’s’
Spit tea all over my iPad and nearly choked from laughing!
One line at a time delyla. One line at a time.
I’m perplexed by Jaclyn. I’m assuming ABC is paying her a good amount to act that ridiculous. Or, is she really that unaware of her appearance/behavior/aura? She was on bachelor pad too right?
And potench? I mean, this can’t be real.
The only good thing here is that my husband is officially obsessed as well, which he denies, but he can’t look away.
None of us can look away. Tell your husband, “Welcome to the club!”
Justin wants to swipe left, but it’s too late now.
“Jared has poe-tench.” I had to phonetically spell that fake word.
Still cracking me up! Love it.
Thanks kerrage! I had to tell my mom what swipe left means!
I’m a mom, can you tell me too please?
Sheesh – “swipe left” refers to the dating application called Tinder, where you look at pictures of girls/guys and swipe to the right if you are interested and to the left if you aren’t!
Thanks marymary! (now I’ll know when I’ve been insulted.)
Has anyone else picked up on the “Friends” theme? The peeing on the jellyfish sting is from the exact same episode as “18 pages front and back.” It’s like they scripted it or something.
But they would NEVER script this show, would they??
I can’t decide if these people are this self absorbed, clueless or being puppets for the producers of this show. I almost don’t care because it’s highly entertaining to watch people be this much of a train wreck, plus it give the genius of Lincee to run wild with her interpretations and observations. I’m sad it’s coming to an end.
Yes!! I noticed that as well.
It IS sad that it’s coming to an end! What will we all do until Peter comes around in January?!
I was just looking at a photo of Samantha and was struck by what an elongated neck she has. Maybe I have an exceptionally stubby neck but take a look at her neck in relation to her head. Weird comment on my part.
I noticed it to. Ballet neck.
From “Bless her sweet baby heart.” …to…”He knows a guy. His name is Chris Harrison.” Great stuff! These folks are more brave than I. To bear such personal journeys and whatnot on national television. I don’t even like to bare my whatnot outside of the safety of my own room!!
Oh amy a. You crack me up.
I love this show! I was just telling my friend last night, that I know I shouldn’t, and I’m a bit embarrassed to say, that it’s the most entertained I’ve been since the beginning of the franchise. Don’t get me wrong, I’m always hoping for happy endings and strong couples, but this has been fun. I do consider them characters and therefore can be in the space of “I hope this ‘character’ gets what he/she deserves,” without feeling too guilty. It’s been fun, but the only thing that tops it off are these posts! Lincee! You are now a permanent fixture in my thoughts. When Jared said, “front and back?!” I heard Ross’ voice first but then heard yours. The jelly fish sting? Monica, then you. Crazy thing…I’ve never heard your voice, so apparently I’ve made one up for you in my head–slight southern draw…
Ditto. The “After Paradise” helps me recognize they are characters. Little bit real, little bit unreal.
You’re almost right sincethebeginning! It’s more of an East Texas twang, but I’m glad I’m the crazy inner voice in your head after Ross and Monica. I consider that a HUGE compliment!
love the show, hate the grammar! I heard, “I don’t usually commentate”. WTH is wrong with these people? Conversate, commentate, conversater…make all verbs longer but shorten the word potential? It’s CONVERSE, and COMMENT! And potench sounds like a 14 yr old.
AMEN!!!
80s thing. Parents were ‘rents, etc.
Preach it Donna!
It drives me crazy, too, Donna! I’m glad I’m not alone :=)
Ugh! My 14 year old wandered into the room when (I believe it was) Joshua said “conversate” a couple of weeks ago. I felt it was my parental duty to let my son know that “conversate” is NOT a word!
Can we talk about ‘After Paradise’ for a minute? Samantha is just an awful human being. I can’t believe Chris let her dictate that Jenny should be off the stage for her segment. She just figured she could cast her evil powers onto Chris and she knows women don’t fall for lies the way men seem to so easily. She lied through the entire segment. Can she really believe the audience is so brain dead that we would forget that she wanted Joe there for the conversation with Juelia and pretty much called her a liar right to her face?
Have you ever noticed that there are certain girls that say “I hate drama” so often, but are usually the ones smack dab in the middle of it? Why do you think that is? They are the drama whores, they live for it. Samantha loves being the center of all the drama, but pulls the innocent act and acts offended by ‘all the drama’. It’s really quite annoying.
And while I’ll agree that she’s pretty, probably what most would consider very pretty, I’m not sure she’s as stunning as people say. Maybe her beauty doesn’t come across on TV quite as well as it does it person. Either way, eventually her looks will fade, so she should consider trying to be a better human being soon. She won’t have her beauty to sustain her forever, I don’t think she’s getting any younger.
Great comments Bridget. I agree with everything you said. She has lying down to an art form but it was hilarious when OHCH pulled out the book full of her text messages that she had just said were a couple. What a snake. She is so ugly on the inside that her external beauty can’t make up for her horrible personality(disorders).
Bridget …love your post…too bad Russ won’t read it …it’s too long…..but know your words are read by many and appreciated…women recognize wisdom…great job…and as always, thank you Lincee, the wisest of all, for the comic relief and awesome writing ! You have mad skills gurllllllllll!!!!!!
Bridget I love your analogy about the girls that go around saying “I hate drama” are drama creators and drama whores. Spot on. (Just like the interesting tidbits in Maya’s post yesterday was also spot on, you two think alike!) Women can read women. Going to an all girl high school taught me well. Those type of girls are the same ones who will throw out an offensive statement about you and if you react offended they look at you with their fake confusion and tell you “I was only kidding” (no they weren’t, they just wanted to say what they said and add the qualifier later depending on your reaction.it’s textbook) and then further minimize it by telling you to “chill out and relax…” never mind that they threw the first stone, there must be something wrong WITH YOU that you got offended. #sorrynotsorry……Bridget, you nailed it.
They’re also the ones who will accuse you of something, and should you deny it, will throw out the “Well, you’re awfully defensive for somebody who didn’t do it.” They search for drama. They create drama where there isn’t any.
Yes!! To all of this. I was yelling at the tv “you know she’ll call you out on your bs you wuss” when she wouldn’t come out with Jenny there.
I don’t watch the after show, so I can’t comment on this. Thoughts anyone?
You don’t watch the after show??? You pass on an extra hour of Chris Harrison?? I’m shocked!
I am shocked too!! OHCH is awesome on the after show. He is the reason I watch it! This week it was so funny when he kept poking fun at himself. You must go online and watch them!! I wish they would invite YOU to co-host!!
Jaclyn is so hard and unclassy; did anyone hear her say “Hi Bitches” when she came up to the group of girls?? I haven’t liked her on any of her numerous Bachelor appearances and still don’t with her unfortunate makeover.
Lincee, I was so disappointed you didn’t recap the second hour because I missed it and I wanted to hear what Samantha had to say about her behavior on the show. She sure didn’t help her brand by the bad behavior on BIP!
Thanks for your recaps…best part of the show!
Sorry about that Beth. Check out the thread above…
First time commenting. I just have to tell you that I can no longer watch an episode without pausing to laugh, mainly because I’m imagining you behind your couch cushions or simply imagining what you’re going to write about whatever awkward moment is currently playing out on the screen. I agree with “sincethebeginning” about the entertainment factor. Awkward moments galore, horrible kissing sounds, Friends references, what more could you want?!?
Exactly! It’s been a banner year of crazy. I love it.
I’m not sure how old Jacklyn is but she’s starting down the plastic surgery road and is quickly sliding down the other side of the hill. If I had to guess her age I would guess in the vicinity of 40, she looks quite cougar like.
Replying to my own comment..
I just went back and looked, she’s supposedly 30, I don’t buy it.
Don’t you mean “supposebly?” 😉
Calling Samantha a cougar is an insult to cougars. Haha
I called Jacklyn ‘cougar like’.
Her sweaty face look is not good for the TV. Her makeup was “literally” melting
Ashley I-Lashes would definitely call her an old lady.
Did you see the out-take where Ashley I said she gets botox?? These gals are starting young, not realizing that paralyzed faces and lips make you look older than a few laugh lines do.
Exactly…you ironically look older when you do that stuff especially young and too much . I think it makes people think “how old are you really”? If you’re too puffed and too smooth having the exact opposite desired effect.
Once again, a great recap!!! and I love that we don’t have to wait at all!!! so fun…….. One thing that has been bugging me all along is how mean Tanner seems, he acts like he is so much better than everyone, all of his interview sessions are just so negative, I don’t really like him and now we’re seeing Jade cry in the previews for the finale!!!
Oh I think it’s the opposite. He’s the comic relief color commentator! He’s the one-liner guy!
Wait ’til he gets back to the real world and finds out he’s just average and has accidentally dropped a real playboy model.
Did Ashley I. Seriously reenact Ariel using the fork to comb her hair! Too many Little Mermaid references in one BIP!
I think you mean dinglehopper, but yes…yes she did.