‘Bachelor in Paradise’ recap: The kids are not Mexican

funny bachelor recap-Bachelor in Paradise

Things started off kind of awkward on Bachelor in Paradise. Juelia gets stung by a jellyfish and Tenley is the only one with a full bladder to save the day. Let me be clear—this was not the awkward part. If I had to, I’d pee on any one of you.

The awkward part is the fact that neither one thought that Tenley should pee in a cup and then pour the urine onto Juelia’s leg. Instead, Juelia wedges her ankle between Tenley’s legs as she squats on a toilet. I guess Tenly was too tired from digging the big hole to think clearly.

Moving on!

Chelsea is trying to figure out who is going to get her date card. Will it be Dan who is in love with Samantha? Or Nick who is in love with Samantha? The personal trainer gets the invitation to be a baller for a day on a pimped out yacht. Bonus: Nick gets a break for Ashley’s wackadoodle ways!

Nick meanders up to Ashely S. and has the audacity to bother her WHILE SHE’S WATCHING HER FACE! He asks to talk to her and she tells him she will be done in 10 minutes. Lots of moisturizing going on. Once she makes her way to the balcony, Nick begins this delicate conversation with, “You smell like a brewery.” Then he tells her that the chemistry is not there and he’s going on a date with Chelsea. Bye Felicia.

The next thing we know, Mackenzie (the young mother who believes in aliens) enters the tree house and Ashley I-Lashes goes crazy with excitement! She whisks her away to tell her that she might be giving Jared her v-card later on because he looks just like a mixture of Ashton Kutcher and Joe Jonas. It is decided that Mackenzie should ask Justin out on a date because he also left his kid to find love in Paradise.

Meanwhile, Chelsea and Nick live it up on a boat. They sail right outside the tree house so everyone on the beach can wave while turning green with envy. Nick has zero attraction for Chelsea. But her cover-up does confirm that crochet beachwear is this season’s statement necklace and ubiquitous scarf.

Suddenly, Jaclyn arrives in a pin-striped romper straight from the “casual” section at Frederick’s of Hollywood. She’s from Groban’s season, but you probably don’t recognize her at first because she has short platinum hair and has relocated a few pounds from her body to her lips. She’s a self-proclaimed villain who doesn’t care if people are already “taken.” And to no one’s surprise, she has her eyes on Samantha.

Just kidding. She’s after Jared.

To quote Jaclyn, “Jared has poe-tench.” I had to phonetically spell that fake word. It’s slang for “potential.” Take a clue from Gretchen Weiner, Jaclyn. Potench is not going to happen.

Over on the sacrificial side of the island, Mackenzie and Justin partake in the worst first date ever, that ends with a pronouncement of marriage. The ceremony is pretty simple:

  • Strip down to underwear
  • Stand still as Mexican priest blows smoke up your butt
  • Slather mud all over each other’s bodies
  • Sponge off mud with water
  • Tie a rope around your neck
  • Drape a flag over your body
  • Participate in a three-legged race
  • Wear a crown of daisies on your head
  • Blow a ceremonial seashell
  • BOOM! Man and wife!

Mackenzie puzzles through the moment, wondering out loud if their kids are now Mexicans. Bless her sweet baby heart. Justin wants to swipe left, but it’s too late now. He is concerned that Mackenzie actually thinks they are married due to the fact that she takes great pride in telling everyone at dinner that they are indeed hitched. Once she lets it slide that she thinks mermaids are real, he considers the honeymoon phase over and asks Jorge if he knows anyone who can annul a fake marriage. Jorge makes a call. He knows a guy.

His name is Chris Harrison.

By this time, Jaclyn is officially putting the moves on Jared. Tanner admits that Kaitlyn’s Kastoffs are worried about their bro because Jared is such a nice guy. With that said, he sits a safe distance away so he can point and laugh while watching the drama unfold.

Ashley I-Lashes takes matters into her own hands. Instead of confronting the old lady, she rushes to Harrison, begging him for a fantasy date. AND HE GIVES HER ONE.

Just as Jaclyn asks Jared out on her one-on-one, Ashley runs up with a card in her hand. She rips open the envelope and before she can even read the hastily scribbled out message, she asks Jared to join her for an overnight date. He accepts.

Will Ashley I-Lashes lose her virginity on national television? Why is Jade crying so hard in the scenes from next week? WHO PROPOSES?!

Remember—this is a spoiler free zone!

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