‘Bachelor in Paradise’ recap: Love stinks and she hates you

funny bachelor recap-Bachelor in Paradise

Who knew that Ashley I-Lashes virginity would be the boring part that no one cares about on the finale eve of Bachelor in Paradise? We’ve come a long way, dear readers. Contestants are dropping like flies! Every half hour or so, someone leaves the island because they are confident that love is not in Paradise—no matter what Jorge says.

I was worried that with so many SUVs schlepping the rejected away, one of two things would happen:

A. Rejects would be forced to ride together to save gas.
B. Environmentalists would storm the palapa in protest, demanding that the big network consider their global footprint and stop sending huge SUVs all over Guadalajara every other minute.

Then I realized that the rejects are probably being shuttled down the road to the Holiday Inn and I decided to not care.

But I’m getting ahead of myself. We need to start at the very begging. And that beginning is Ashley I-Lashes pending virginity, Jared’s perfect features mixed with an utter lack of interest and the knucklehead who thought it would be funny to put a bowl of cherries beside the “will they or won’t they” bottle of complimentary champagne. Ashley wants to give Jared the precious flower from her secret garden. Jared wants to spend the night with Ashley, which is code for, “My bed in the tree house is too firm and I need a good night’s sleep on a squishy mattress.”

Ashley’s admission of watching Jared sleep all night wasn’t creepy at all. She’s not obsessed. She’s dedicated. With that said, HIDE THE BUNNIES.

Meanwhile, the girls have asked Jorge to whip up a mimosa party down by the pool. As the dudes sit around waiting for their invitation, Mikey T. admits that he has to have a very serious conversation with Juelia. Newsflash: he’s no that into her. Mexican wrestling aside, he thinks they would be better off as friends. Zero people were surprised by this, excluding Juelia. Clearly, she thought she was in the driver’s seat since Harrison brought Mikey T. all the way back from Chicago (a suburb of Guadalajara) to woo her. As she begins crying in her thick tarantula eyelashes, Mikey T. reminds her that she was very special. I think Mikey T’s hair is special.

Juelia literally runs away from him. She rushes up to Jorge’s bar and hastily announces that she’s leaving. There’s absolutely no reason for her to be here! Rejection SUV #1 in route!

You’d think that this news would help Jaclyn with her date card dilemma. She walks around her prey like a lion, with a weird blur mark on her butt. I personally prefer the black modesty box, but I guess it left with Jillian when she got kicked off in week 1. Moreover, the blur allowed audiences to see actual material, so we know that the bottoms were not a thong. We decided that they were made of crochet and therefore merited the soft blur.

Why Jaclyn’s blur deserved a paragraph of its own is beyond me. Moving on.

Jaclyn thinks Mikey T. is dumb as a bag of rocks, so he’s out. She thinks Dan has a blah personality, even though is bear cries tears of awesome every rose ceremony. Nick is the dude who stole $250,000 from her best friend on Bachelor Pad a few years ago, so Justin is the only one left. She asks him to join her and he accepts. What could go wrong?

Cassandra. Cassandra is what goes wrong. She is from Juan Pablo’s season and because she’s breathing and has boobs, Dan immediately falls in love with her. She gets the low-down from the other girls and it’s decided that she is going to also ask Justin on her date. Justin is THRILLED. Dan is determined. And Jaclyn is going to cut someone. Justin tells her to crochet a matching top for those bottoms because he’s going horseback riding with Cassandra!

Jaclyn takes her card down to the outdoor bed and wonders why she came to Paradise in the first place. Nick wanders over and has the audacity to ask her for the date card so he can take Samantha out. Jaclyn says he can have it for a quarter of a million dollars and then laughs. Then she makes him roll around in the sand like a Victoria’s Secret model. As I listen from behind the couch cushion, I realize that this proves nothing other than the fact that Jaclyn has officially given up. At this point, she may as well give the date to the sleaze who is currently downward facing dogging her right now and seek out Our Host Chris Harrison, Jorge or the ABC Intern. Anything’s better that what is writhing before her.

While Nick is getting ready for his date with Samantha, Justin is ogles Cassandra as she takes off her shirt in slow motion, revealing a bedazzled bikini top. They bond over being single parents and this makes Cassandra cry. They take their PDA to the beach where Justin grabs it like he wants it. Cassandra has known Justin for approximately seven hours and is sure she’s in love.

Justin: What are you thinking?
Cassandra: Twice. It’s just another day for you and me in Paradise.

Back at the tree house, Ashley I-Lashes and Jared return. Everyone tries to figure out if Ashley looks different. Jared is stone-faced. She looks giddy, but that’s how she always looks with Jared. Since Ashley doesn’t announce it with a graphic tank top that says, “V-Card Swiped,” we can only assume that nothing happened. But then she shows up later in a “I’m a Kim” tank with a pencil skirt, as we all would wear to a beach bonfire, and you have to wonder if this this code for something? Is she trying to tell America that she’s pregnant with Jared’s baby and is going to name it after a beloved direction on a weather vane?

As Ashley tells Mackenzie that she’s in love with Jared, Jared gathers the same dudes that Mikey T. gathered earlier in the day and admits that he has to have a very serious conversation with Ashley. Newsflash: he’s no that into her. Tanner tries to give him one of the tiny knives Jorge uses to cut limes for protection, but Jared waves him off. He has to do this alone. Unarmed.

He takes Ashley to the rejection cabana and gently tells her that he wanted there to be more, but he’s just not that into her. And by the way, he’s called Rejection SUV #2 and is leaving Paradise. Ashley I-Lashes hold it together enough to walk him to the gas guzzler. She thanks him for proving to her that the total package is still out there. He apologizes for making her cry, steps into the car and pines over Kaitlyn as the driver makes his way across the street where Juelia sits swirling a glass of wine.

Two down.

Suddenly the camera catches Jade and Carly talking about Samantha. Carly wonders why all the guys are falling over her. Jade wisely answers, “Because she’s stunning.”

Nick certainly thinks so. He can’t wait for Samantha to feed him delicious bites of Chef Josefina Santacruz’s (say that really fast with a Spanish accent) dinner. Samantha smiles, drawing him into her web of seduction. Nick habitually winks. The entire exchange was a bit disturbing, including Samantha’s tight-lipped grandma kisses. Somewhere in rural Kentucky, Joe raises a glass of moonshine to the television, convinced this is a sign from Samantha that she’s still interested.

Meanwhile, Carly and Kirk are huddled together, overlooking the ocean. In a moment of complete vulnerability, Carly tells Kirk that she can see them running around together with kids. She says, “You’re my person.” Kirk laughs and says, “We always said, ‘You’re my idiot.’” Carly giggles and tells him that he is her idiot.

If you didn’t pick up on the fact that Carly and Kirk were doomed at this point, you probably figured it out in the next several interviews with Carly when she only talked about the strength of her relationship with Kirk. And if that didn’t buy you a clue, everyone else talking about their love and commitment was probably the straw that broke the camel’s back.

COCKTAIL PARTY

Just kidding. Harrison canceled the cocktail party because he’s in the middle of a mean game of poker with Jared, Jorge and Juelia across the street. Nobody has time for this pretend love. Let’s get this show on the road.

Before Harrison can invite the “no brainers” put to the rose podium, Ashley I-Lashes makes an announcement that she is going home. Wise Princess Tenley told her that she had a “whimsical attachment” to Jared and now she knows the qualities of the man she wants to end up with for the rest of her life. Thank you universe for sending me the perfect man and then yanking him away from me! She sheds a few tears, hops into Rejection SUV #3, calls her sister to complain and then smiles because the driver is taking her, you guessed it, to the rejection holding area—where Jared is staying.

Well played, I’m a Kim.

Harrison rushes through Kirk/Carly, Tanner/Jade, Samantha/Nick, Joshua/Tenley and even newbies Justin/Cassandra. He calls Dan up next.

Dan strokes his glistening beard, confident that he could take on any of the bald-faced men standing before him. He thanks Ashley and Amber for their trysts and wishes everyone the best of luck before removing himself from the competition that has neither a win nor lose column. Harrison tells the ABC intern to fetch Rejection SUV #4 before commandeering Dan’s useless rose and calling Mikey T. to the stand.

Mikey T. is drenched in sweat, yet that does not deter him from asking darling little Mackenzie to accept his dripping rose. She cautiously walks up to him, careful not to stand in the perspiration zone, and tells him thanks, but no thanks. She asks Harrison to call her an SUV (#5) and meanders through the jungle to wait for her ride.

Mikey is unfazed. He tells Our Host that nobody else does anything for him (SORRY FRONT ROW SINGLE GIRLS) and he thinks the best thing for him to do is to go home. He waits in line behind Mackenzie for his own individual rejection SUV #6.

Harrison takes Mikey’s rose and hands it to the ABC Intern who turns around and sells it on EBAY. He asks Jaclyn, Chelsea, Amber and Ashley S. to say their goodbyes. So long numbers 7, 8, 9 and 10.

The next morning, Harrison is back after a long night of Texas Hold ‘Em where he took Mikey for every pesos he had in his pockets. All of the remaining couples agree that it feels weird to have only 10 people left in the tree house. It’s eerily quiet. Carly is thankful that all the drama is over and everyone can just bask in love.

Oh foreshadowing. Thou art a heartless tramp.

Harrison lets everyone know that they have one week left in Paradise. They will all be going on overnight fantasy dates. It’s time to decide if a five-week Mexican vacation can be an everlasting love.

The girls leave to talk about boys and butterflies in their stomachs and how they all wish their significant other had Chris Harrison’s eyes. Kirk gathers the same dudes that Mikey T. and Jared gathered and admits that he has to have a very serious conversation with Carly. Newsflash: he’s no that into her. And he hasn’t been for about a week. He needs to tell her. Ironically, no one told him to choose a different tank top color (Melon? Really?) for a conversation that will be immortalized on social media for at least a week.

Kirk makes his way up to the girls and asks Carly if he can talk to her. She agrees. Of course it’s Tenley who admits that she doesn’t have a good feeling with what’s going on. Jade is suspicious too. So the girls do what any of you would do at this point—eavesdrop.  It’s not like it’s hard. The rejection outdoor cabana thing is RIGHT BELOW THEM.

Kirk tells her how wonderful she is for about 10 minutes. Then he tells her that unfortunately he is behind her when it comes to feelings for 10 minutes. Naturally Carly thinks this is something that can be fixed by simply slowing down. As I’m screaming for Kirk to RIP THE BAND-AID and LAND THE PLANE, Carly finally understands that this isn’t going to end up in her favor. She answers with two legitimate statements: I want to go home and I’m going to throw up.

Kirk continues respecting her and admiring her for another 10 minutes as Carly turns on her survivor mode switch. All she can say is that she wants to go home and that she doesn’t want to have a conversation about feelings unless that feeling is betrayal. She runs up to the girl’s room where Jade and Tenley embrace her with strong arms and shocked faces.

The next several minutes are a flurry of Kirk scratching his head, Carly packing and me slowly climbing on board Team Jade. She is clearly hurting for her friend and equally undone when it comes to the man she trusted with Carly’s heart. When Kirk comes back to try and talk with Carly again, Jade and Tenley tag team him, challenging Kirk to choose his words wisely. Kirk is hell bent on having a conversation with Carly who is hell bent on never speaking to him again. Jade finally steps in, wisely telling Kirk that he should respect Carly’s wishes. She sends him away as her friend collapses in her arms.

Did I get a little teary? Sure. It reminded me of that time on Sex in the City when Big leaves Carrie at the altar and Charlotte yells at him when he tries to apologize. I really liked Charlotte in that moment and have no doubt that Carly and Jade are probably friends for life as a result of this moment. This horribly, humiliating moment.

Kirk forces himself into rejection SUV #11 and begins to cry. He reminds the viewing audience that he was just trying to be honest. And Tenley reminds the viewing audience that he should have never allowed it to get this far if he wasn’t feeling it.

I don’t know where to land on this episode. I’m glad Kirk came clean, but it does seem like he could have let Carly know sooner. Or was it that talk about kids while they were on the beach that spooked him? Who knows. What we do know is that Ashley has her v-card, Janner are getting engaged tonight and Trista and Ryan are still going strong as Bachelor royalty.

All is sort of right in the franchise world.

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Kirk (not the wuss from the show)
Kirk (not the wuss from the show)
5 years ago

I’m sorry, I called this weeks ago. Carly was just too cocky about the whole thing, and those of us who have been paying attention, know Kirk is a wuss of epic proportions. Why he couldn’t wait until he got back to the real world to break up with her, instead of mortifying her on national TV, shows what a jack hole he really is. Can you handle a break-up any worse than he did? No, you cannot. Juelia is just a sad sack. No way this attractive lady should be sniffling over the likes of a narcissist like Mikey.… Read more »

Hm
Hm
5 years ago

^ So. Much. Yes. In. This. Comment!

Kirk was positively awful last night. The ONLY reason he wanted to rehash things another thirty minutes is he was worried about his edit. What a loser!

delyla
delyla
5 years ago

I wouldn’t normally judge a persons looks but Jaclyn is not a pretty girl. She used to be prettier but between her excessive amounts of tanning and her constant RBF, she just looks leathery and hateful. I’m guessing they brought her on the show to stir things up. I can’t think of another reason she would have been there.

Maggie
Maggie
5 years ago

He could have at least taken her to the Fantasy Suite and told her off camera! Is there a cash bonus for public humiliation in paradise?

Beth
Beth
5 years ago

Ok, I know I’m going to be in the minority on this comment but I don’t think Kirk was a jerk at all. Any of these people who expect a proposal after 5 weeks of lying around, making out and probably having sex all the time with someone they’ve just met are fools and can expect to have their hearts broken. Wake up people and try to have a solid relationship based on more then sex and physical attraction before you jump into the physical part of the relationship! Whats amazing to me is that ANY of these couples end… Read more »

Zandi
Zandi
5 years ago

I teared up too!!! Normally I would be humiliated to admit that I cried watching BIP, but my goodness……I felt so sorry for Carly, and Jade crying for her friend was so endearing. Us girls stick together.
I think Kirk is an idiot……he and Carly were a good match. She is one of my faves!

Hm
Hm
5 years ago
Reply to  Zandi

Obviously they weren’t a good match. Kirk needs to mature and realize he’s not a catch and he’s going to be too old to keep chasing young girls soon. Time to man up!

Carly will do way better in the real world. Just like Zak, she will find a good, normal person and be married within a year or two.

Maya
Maya
5 years ago

Jade is a good friend. Carly gets the bad news and is crushed. First person she looks for is Jade. The first words out of Jade’s mouth? “I’m here, I’m here.” Broke.my.heart. sooooooop touching. Love.you.Jade. Props to Jade, the girl who let herself be on camera sans the makeup and fanciness throughout the show because she is just regular. (Yes, regular, despite her bad decision to pose naked in her past)…very down to earth…. And there is Samantha…heart wrenching tears all around her…..vapid.emotionless.sitting there. all ready for her closeup (just in case)…..seriously? It was never more obvious who the true… Read more »

Kim
Kim
5 years ago
Reply to  Maya

Exactly!! Well said!!

Totally team Jade after last night.

Lisa
Lisa
5 years ago
Reply to  Maya

Nailed it, Maya. You put my feelings about this episode into just the right words. Thank you!
Lincee, thanks for the much-needed laughs!

ricksterb
ricksterb
5 years ago
Reply to  Lisa

Is Kirk a moronic idiot?
Should he have waited to tell Carly his true feelings?
Should he have told her earlier?

To all three, I don’t know.

All I know is that this was the most touching episode in the history of The Bachelor. Of all people, I wanted Carly to find love.

I too found myself crawling aboard Team Jade. Wouldn’t it be awesome if we all could have a friend like that.

kbabe16
kbabe16
5 years ago
Reply to  ricksterb

Or if we could all be a friend like that? The world would be so much happier!

Bananas in Pajamas
Bananas in Pajamas
5 years ago
Reply to  Maya

Maya, I have to ask, why was posing naked a bad decision? I have never really heard Jade say she regretted it. She did it tastefully, fully knowing what she was doing. And to be honest, she is a beautiful woman that is no way taken away from because she did pose naked.

Women need to be celebrated, not put down for their choices.

Maya
Maya
5 years ago

Bananas in pajamas…(love that moniker) you are correct…not a bad decision, a better way to say it would have been a decision that perhaps, because of society, is one she has to deal with people passing judgment on her about…I actually thought twice about typing that part….It was my attempt at a pre emptiive strike…I thought the minute I called her regular and down to earth, someone would bring that up as if it negates those qualities (which it doesn’t) I agree that women need to be celebrated not put down…preaching to the choir here…bottom line Jade is a survivor,… Read more »

Sheeshh
Sheeshh
5 years ago
Reply to  Maya

Thank you Maya, that is a better way of saying it.

You know, if I had to do it all over again from this perspective, I think I would appreciate seeing myself in all my glory.

Irishwind
Irishwind
5 years ago
Reply to  Maya

Well said. I thought she did great in Prince Farming’s season, and the ‘reveal’ of her posing was poorly done. I blame ABC for that, spooking PF into sending her home.

Ann
Ann
5 years ago
Reply to  Maya

I agree! I found myself completely loving Jade, and she is lovely without make-up. I hate it that she made the terrible decision to do the Playboy photos, and she’ll regret that for the rest of her life. But, who doesn’t make mistakes? I loved Tanner back in Kaitlyn’s season because he was just so normal. He reminds me of two of my nephews. As the show went along on Sunday night, I could tell pretty quickly that the Jade/Tanner breakup was a red herring, because no amount of editing could have convinced us that my boy Tanner could change… Read more »

Patrick
Patrick
5 years ago
Reply to  Maya

Jade is all sorts of awesome…

Wow What a Silly Show
Wow What a Silly Show
5 years ago

Hope the show pays the “contestants” enough to make the edit worth it. I’m sure all of them have some redeeming qualities that we will never, ever see on any bachelor franchise. I really wonder how they pick which ones to humiliate and which ones to portray as the nice guys/gals.

Anne
Anne
5 years ago

“Somewhere in rural Kentucky, Joe raises a glass of moonshine to the television, convinced this is a sign from Samantha that she’s still interested.”

Perfection. 😉

Vicki
Vicki
5 years ago
Reply to  Anne

That was my favorite, too!

Bridget
Bridget
5 years ago

I’m usually the first one to be yelling at the TV when a girl ‘falls in love’ on this show after such a short amount of time, but Carly broke my heart last night. I have a lump in my throat again just reading about it. He used her, simple as that. He wanted his little vacation and he wasn’t going to let a silly little thing like some girl’s feelings ruin it for him. What an ass.

marymary
marymary
5 years ago

Maya +1! Watching Jade and Tenley run to Carly when they saw she had left Kirk behind seemed real and very sweet. I think both Carly and Kirk share some blame. She was too much, too fast. Talking about babies and marriage after three weeks is enough to scare most guys away. I think Kirk did care for her and enjoyed being her boyfriend during the show, but knew she wasn’t the one. I thought it was so interesting that when Carly talked about him being “the one” and he referred to the expression “finding your idiot”, he was just… Read more »

bean there
bean there
5 years ago

Meanwhile………Samantha has prepared her cave nest where she will spend the conclusion of BIP quietly cocooning Nick in silky slime after paralizing him with blue eye venom. She lay her eggs in said Nick’s perfect six pack abs. She then does the same to Janner. Harrison is next but he is immune to Samantha venom due to his perfect blue eyes. Samantha transforms into a two story slimy beach crab, but Harrison tells Jorge to light the bar on fire. As the palapa falls on a burning Blue Crabette, Harrison runs in the cave and saves Janner, but it’s too… Read more »

Shelley
Shelley
5 years ago
Reply to  bean there

Hilarious!

Anne
Anne
5 years ago

I don’t understand the push to either commit or go home. Is ABC holding something over these people? I heard Kirk saying he wasn’t where Carly was, not that he felt nothing or that he didn’t want to see her at all. Unless there was a lot more to that conversation that they edited out (?). They must either be easy to manipulate or have the emotional maturity of a 12-year-old. Carly was talking about very concrete things (marriage, kids) much too soon, even if they were together 24/7. It’s still a vacation. Kirk should have gone with Carly on… Read more »

Bananas in Pajamas
Bananas in Pajamas
5 years ago
Reply to  Anne

I felt like there was something left out too. And he didn’t say he wanted to break up with her until he was in the rejection SUV. I feel like he was pushed to break up with her for the drama.

Sheeshh
Sheeshh
5 years ago

Oh he broke what was up with her alright.

LORENZO
LORENZO
5 years ago

So funny but sad in this day of instant friends courtesy of social media.
Does anyone really know someone after 5 weeks of being in a drunken stupor at a beach resort
They all must still live at home
Get over it. Get over yourselves
Get a real job
Chris Harrison rules!!!

Shelley
Shelley
5 years ago

Loved how good friends like Jade and Tenley stepped up for Carly, and how intuitive Tenley was about what might be going on. I was Carly a million years ago. When I got ahead of a guy in a relationship, who in hindsight really wanted me to be the one, he realized I just wasn’t it. My darling friends also rallied around. Keep those friends Carly, they’re the best thing to come out of paradise! Also loved Jaclyn’s bathing suit. And everyone talks about how gorgeous Samantha is, and how manipulative, but she seems completely devoid of personality. The most… Read more »

Jennifer
Jennifer
5 years ago

I too totally thought of the Sex and the city when she turned to Jade and fiercely hugged her! Her emotions were so raw it was almost painful to watch.

Everyone is so taken with Samantha’s looks but she didn’t make it too far on Chris’s season. I don’t even remember her whereas Jade and Carly made it pretty far so at least we can say that Farmer Chris had some taste!!

Luva
Luva
5 years ago
Reply to  Jennifer

Samantha actually almost made it into the top ten with Chris! I read another weekly recap back then where she was referred to as, “Samantha Who?” because she was so forgettable. Samantha has zero personality and nothing of interest to say. And I think people are so taken with her “beauty” simply because of the intense contrast between her pale eyes and dark hair. If she were blonde, she wouldn’t get nearly as much attention. Favorite quote: “Environmentalists would storm the palapa in protest, demanding that the big network consider their global footprint and stop sending huge SUVs all over… Read more »

sincethebeginning
sincethebeginning
5 years ago
Reply to  Jennifer

I too thought the exact same thing!!!! I’m so glad to say that Chris had taste and good taste.Pleased me too.

Fan in AZ
Fan in AZ
5 years ago

Love my girl Carly, but I am Team Kirk on this breakup. I know things move fast on this show, but 1 week of doubting their relationship is not a long time to put off a break up. He said he was trying to feel it. I’m sure he was hoping his doubts would subside and he’d start to feel good about the relationship again. I am sorry that Carly got hurt and I understand why she felt confused and led on, but Kirk did the right thing.

Sheeshh
Sheeshh
5 years ago
Reply to  Fan in AZ

A week in paradise is like 6 in real life.

tREX girl
tREX girl
5 years ago

OMG, I, too, went right to the Sex and the City scene with Charlotte yelling, “NO!”. I have always loved the fierce depiction of girlfriends in that moment. Jade and Tenley, were the BEST. I am feeling it for Carly and wish all guys understood that a ‘conversation’ at that time is strictly for him, not at all for Carly. Ugh, it was too real for reality TV.

Margo
Margo
5 years ago

I kind of see Kirks point, too. One week of doubt is fine.. AND we don’t know the edit folks. We have no idea how they edited this bit by bit. I saw Sam’s brown eyes last night and blue ones, too.
Anyone getting engaged is just silly.. odds are it will crash before, if not, soon after. They can go in with eyes shut if they want. All these contestants seem rather immature, or blinded by the cameras, or both.
Fun read, Lincee. good reader comments, too.

Jenn
Jenn
5 years ago
Reply to  Margo

Margo, I agree with you. These people, especially the girls, approach their relationship like a high schooler. All this talk about marriage and babies is ridiculous after knowing each other for such a short time. The emphasis seems to be on the physical part or chemistry as they all talk about, without looking at the more important aspects of finding a husband or wife. Thats why most of these relationships die out within a few weeks or months of reality. Poor Carly but I think she was blinded by the hope or prospect of finding her husband and probably missed… Read more »

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