‘Bachelor in Paradise’ recap: I don’t want you to want me

funny bachelor recap-Bachelor in Paradise

The totally rad opening featuring a nostalgic ‘80s throwback roll call is the perfect example of why I love Bachelor in Paradise. Tenley hits a Disney pose, Kirk dorks out, Jillian lifts a piece of driftwood over her head and Harrison reads his own book. This show and its players, completely understands what it is—a colossal hot mess . Those lucky enough to get a golden ticket embrace their free trip to Mexico where the booze flows freely and clothing is optional. Should you find love in the Jacuzzi or tantric yoga session, so be it.

We begin episode 2 with a storm brewing in the distance. JJ claims that something is in the air—it’s electric. That something is called lightning, but the analogy points directly to Clare Bear. She saunters in carrying a date card, quickly hugs her fellow campers and calls for an all-girl meeting in the tree house to assess the situation. Ashley I-Lashes is quick to rattle off the couples: Jade and Tanner, Carly and Kirk, Jasmine and Jared, Juelia and Jonathan, Dan and Ashley Onion. That leaves JJ and Mikey T. Clare’s not the only one who is bummed out at this news. Tenley has just realized that someday her prince will come and at this point, he’ll either be a Meathead or a Jackwagon. Sad face.
Clare takes to her bed and processes through this hard decision by talking to a crab on the bed adjacent to her own.

A. Of course the crab has a Twitter account.
B. I’m glad to see that the ABC Intern confiscated an animal that was a little more themed to the environment. Raccoons don’t really fit this vibe. PS: That was so last season.
C. Did anyone else giggle that a crab was crawling on a bed in Paradise?

Mikey T. asks Clare to go for a walk. He says that “It would be awesome to go on that date with you.” He also admits that he’s had a school boy crush on her since she first graced the Bachelor franchise screen. She finds this endearing. She also considers him the lesser of two door knobs when compared to JJ and invites him on the date. Clare is hopeful this will include swimming with sharks or riding on the backs of dinosaurs.

Interesting. Clare and I both have this weird fantasy that we want Jurassic World to be a real place. Clare can talk to the raptors. I’m more in it for Owen.

funny bachelor recap-Chris Pratt

Instead of an exciting adventure, Clare and Mikey are forced to bump uglies during a tantric yoga session. The coach said that these exercises would help them get in touch with their emotional and sexual sides. Wonderful! That’s exactly what Bachelor in Paradise needs. A twisty pretzel of limbs, sweat and the male anatomy in sweat pants. Remember that school boy Mikey compared himself to? Well he showed up and giggled the entire interview throwing every innuendo he could think of about Clare’s sexual chakra.

Behind every horny man is Clare rolling her eyes.

After downward facing dry hump, the duo jump into a lake and talk about their sexual chemistry. Well, Mikey T. talks about their sexual chemistry. Clare flat out tells him that she is open to other relationships and wants to take things slow. Plus, she hasn’t even talked to all of the guys back at the house. Mikey T. receives this information as a great big green light.

MT: I really want to kiss you right now.
Lincee: Oh Mikey. You have such bad luck when it comes to listening.

Back at the house, the campers are all enjoying a fun time in the pool as Tenley watches from the sidelines in full makeup and evening dress. She admits that she fixed herself up just in case she got the next date card. Unfortunately, Ashley Onion was the lucky recipient. She chooses Dan, her emergency room partner, to join her for dinner. These two hit it off, thanks to their shared sarcasm and humor. Who cares that we still have no idea why The Onion was whisked away to the hospital? THIS IS LOVE. To quote my friend Amy, “There’s a lid for every pot.”

Tenley reaches the emotional meltdown stage when she confides in Clare and Carly that she’s the odd woman out. The girls try to convince Tenley that she is not a cougar. She’s a puma. And it’s time to hunt. Ironically, it’s Mikey T. who encourages her to stalk her prey—the young, patchy bearded buck heading for the beach.

Of course this sends Ashley I-Lashes over the edge. She is TIRED of having to deal with old ladies. It’s time to get drunk off on lemon drops a claim her stake for heaven’s sake. With her new found liquid courage, Ashley stumbles over to Jared and steals him away from Tenley because “this is The Bachelor.”

Jared listens as Ashley mumbles something about being awkward and her propensity to clam up when she’s near a super fine guy. Then she opens her mouth really wide and shoves her foot inside by adding, “I’m worried about the girls stealing you away, for sure.”

Ever gracious, Jared thanks her for the compliment and invites her to take things slow and easy so they can see what happens. Ashley returns to her sister to report the news: That conversation was scary. Somehow, this morphs into an entire exchange about who has fake boobs, who has sunburned boobs and a nip slip by Ashley.

Why her claim isn’t staked is beyond me.

It’s time for the rose ceremony cocktail party. Since Tenley was second runner-up during Jake’s season and she found love on season 1 of Bachelor Pad five years ago, she has never been sent home during a rose ceremony. She’d like for you to know that she doesn’t plan on going home now either. Drastic times call for drastic measures. This puma is going after the obnoxious zebra at the watering hole—JJ.

She puts her legs in his lap (huh?) and tells him that it’s important for them to explore this relationship (what?) and if he wants to kiss her (seriously?) she wouldn’t stop him. He waits one second before cashing in that invitation.

Oh Tenley. What would the fairies say? Flora, Fauna and Merryweather did not raise you to waste kisses on a chach like JJ.

Meanwhile, Ashley is contemplating if she should go back to Jared to make things right. I shout, “PLEASE DON’T” to my television, but she doesn’t hear me. Jared again praises their date (not the girl) and assures her that he had a good time. Then he makes the mistake of saying that she is amazing. Ashley assumes they are one step away from a promise ring and dances off for her one-on-one interview.

Jared finds Clare to tell her that he really enjoys talking to her. He promises her that if she doesn’t have a rose by the time his name is called, his rose will go to her. Clare is truly dumbfounded that the Paradise Stud is interested in her. She shyly asks him what will happen if another person calls her name first? Can they still hang out? Jared is cool with that.

This isn’t Clare’s first rodeo. Giddy up! Claim, stake, match.

The producers with Jared throw lime wedges and salt shakers at Ashley so she’ll turn around and see that Clare and Jared are talking. HEAVEN FORBID! Ashley swirls back into her cocoon of self-pity. She’s certain that she will die alone because once she has her mind set on something, she can’t let it go. And now that something is flirting with one of the geriatrics!  She wonders if Bachelor in Paradise is the best outlet for her to find love?

funny bachelor recap-Paradise 4

At the rose ceremony, the statement earrings flow freely. Harrison instructs Tanner, Kirk and Dan to bestow their roses first. Jade, Carly and Ashley Onion all beam as they accept their buds. Jonathan gives his to Juelia. And since Mikey T. gives his to Clare’s chakra, Jared claims his stake in Ashley I-Lashes. Which means Lauren gets a piece of that pie too.

JJ is the last man to approach the rose pedestal sponsored by Home Depot. He hems and haws. He loves the attention and is drunk with power. In the end, he gives his rose to Tenley. I assume it’s because Jillian never showed him what was under her black modesty box. Tenley gives Jillian a horrible “neener-neener” stare, yet beckons, “We love you Jillian” when she trudges through the jungle to her rejection zip line.

I have to say, I’m definitely enjoying this season. I did have a hard time watching the After Paradise talk show. I loved the Scandal girl, but the rest of it seemed a bit…unnecessarily mean! It was uncomfortable to watch, therefore, I’ve decided not to recap it. Feel free to share your thoughts about the second hour in the comment section. Claim your stake and be heard!

We are all in this together!


93 Comments on "‘Bachelor in Paradise’ recap: I don’t want you to want me"

Sort by:   newest | oldest