‘Bachelor in Paradise’ recap: The crying game

funny bachelor recap-Bachelor in Paradise

Raise your hand if your head hurts from rolling your eyes while watching Bachelor in Paradise? Does anyone else feel like the ABC Psychotherapist needs to intervene? We have some serious issues bubbling over in the various nooks and crannies of the resort and I’m mixture of bored and sad. I’m borad. Someone hysterical goes home. Seven people cry. JJ spouts metaphors like a Lit professor at the local JuCo. Newcomers roll in and shake the delicate foundation made up of hot sand and tequila. One has to consider desperate measures when Ashley Onion is the voice of reason.

Alas, this is Bachelor in Paradise. No one in charge staples a memo to the palm tree out front announcing mandatory counseling sessions in Hut #3. The alcohol will flow freely. The skin will eventually peel from lack of sunscreen. And the date cards will be handed out to integral players who have every intention of stirring up drama.

The only thing we can truly count on are Ashley I-Lashes’ tears. They are typically our constant in a hypothesis full of question marks. But for now, she’s ecstatic. As you may recall, when we last left the little princess, she was participating in a three-way hug with her sister and Jared. The entire cast basked in the scent of fresh roses and the reality that they would have one more week in Paradise.

And what a week it turned out to be. Let’s break down the contestants:

Lauren
Theme Song: “If Loving You Is Wrong, I Don’t Want To Be Right” by Luther Ingram
Lauren is miserable and it isn’t pretty. In fact, it’s downright snotty if you want to know the dirty details. She’s hot. She’s sweaty. And she’s around people 24/7. This is her own personal hell, so the reasonable thing to do is cry about the situation. Any normal sister would have told her to, “SUCK IT UP YOU’RE IN PARADISE,” but Ashley I-Lashes chooses to perpetuate the madness by complaining to her sister through frustrated tears that she is RUINING ROSE DAY.

Ashley convinces Lauren to stick around until Josh-UA shows up. I guess they are allowed to peruse a season 2 roster while having their blood drawn to check for STDs? Anyway, Lauren agrees to mope in public where she unwisely indicates to both Mikey T. and Tanner that she’s probably leaving soon because she is “super into someone back home.” She follows that vital piece of information with the mysterious, “I’m in love, but I can’t do anything about it.” Through several large bites of pineapple, the boys obviously conclude that lover boy is married.

Lauren: He’s not married. I’m kind of a mistress.

Oh my heavenly days. Ashley I-Lashes is the normal one?

The boys run off to tell the other dudes who tell a gaggle of girls in the pool. My favorite line of the entire night was when Kirk announced that Lauren called herself a mistress and Carly answered with an awesome, “Who does that? Who’s Lauren?”

Carly is my new Michelle Money.

Tenley
Theme Song: Someday My Prince Will Come from Sleeping Beauty
Joshua finally arrives to Paradise and before he can say, “I’m the one who shaved the side of my head and was set home last season,” Ashley whisks him away to talk up her sister. Brilliant. Let’s have the girl who can’t talk to boys in charge of landing a man for the one who doesn’t want to be there. Joshua politely lets her know that he’s interested in meeting a lot of different people and escorts her back to the bar. Ashley thinks this was a good talk.

Now it’s up to Lauren to seal the deal. She leads with, “Do you like aggressive girls?” just as Tenley swoops in, wondering if Joshua has had a chance to see the ocean yet? You know…that huge body of water crashing in waves behind him. She and Joshua head off to an abandoned bungalow as Lauren assures the camera that she’s going to be the one Joshua invites on his date. JJ is also on Team Oblivious. He informs us all that there isn’t any way in the world Tenley would accept a rose from Joshua.

No one (except two incognizant individuals) is surprised by Tenley’s notification that Joshua is going to take her out on his date. JJ uses passive aggressive grand statements and flexes his tattoo sleeve to process the information. Lauren copes by packing her suitcase while Ashley turns on the waterworks, challenging her sister to “not be a mistress for the rest of her life.” #Squadgoals

Even though this was probably the best case scenario for Ashley, she completely loses it in a guttural way watching her sister drag her rolly bag through the sand. I’m ashamed to report that I laughed a little bit. BYE LAUREN!

JJ behaves the way any jack wagon would—by berating the welder behind his back. He calls himself the hero, noting that no Disney princess would ever end up with the blacksmith. He’s going to let Joshua have his fun.

And boy does Joshua have fun. He and Tens, wearing a dress she fashioned from an old bandana, talk about how big his hands are. I’m not sure if Tenley meant this to borderline as a sexual innuendo, but Josh’s head was definitely right there in the gutter with mine. Tens is thrilled to learn that he was a theater nerd growing up. He even knows Shakespeare and stuff! They slam a few shots, get busy on the dance floor and then play a little tonsil hockey.

“Be not afraid of greatness. Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and others have greatness thrust upon them.” – Twelfth Night

“Some are born great. But if they were born in the ‘80s, they are old and need let others have greatness thrust upon them.” – Ashley I-Lashes

JJ
Theme Song: “Mean” by Taylor Swift
The smell of a welding torch and man hands still lingers around Tenley’s bandana dress when JJ hijacks her to take her on a “real” one-on-one date. She obliges, even though the moment is super uncomfortable in front of all the other tree dwellers. JJ takes her to a secluded spot and then makes out with her for several minutes before heading off to bed. That’s when Joshua intercepts and gets to second base while JJ snores in his boxer briefs.

Joshua
Theme Song: “High-er Love” by Steve Winwood
The next day, Joshua brags about taking Mollys at a club in LA. Apparently he enjoyed the experience, encouraging Jared and Ashley I-Lashes to try the hallucinogenic drug should the opportunity ever arise.

Let the record show that I had never heard of a Molly before tonight. Ashley I-Lashes informed me that it is a hallucinogenic drug. Also, let the record show that I’m too lazy to research if the plural of Molly is Mollys or Mollies. Moving on!

The news of Joshua’s drug addiction spreads faster than Ashley can whip up a batch of tears. It doesn’t help that he talks about it AGAIN to the breakfast crowd. Except this time, he was at a bachelor party in Vegas and he couldn’t remember anything about the night. No memories. No money. No problem.

Mikey T. and Dan rush to Tenley to tell her that her boy toy is a hard-core partier who has to get high in order to have a good time. When Tenley starts to cry about this rumor, both guys stare at each other and gesture for the other to console the old lady. Mikey is closest, so he sort of pats her on the head.

Tenley analyzes her current state of emotions, questioning the possibility that she may have once again connected with someone too fast. She must confront Joshua about what she’s heard. Her idea of confronting is a touch different from a person who hasn’t been sitting in the sun for seven days straight. She asks him if he knows what might have been said that would have upset her. Nice and vague. Joshua pieces the puzzle together, admitting that he did try Molly once, but it’s incredibly overrated. That time he said it was badass less than 12 hours ago was just a joke. And he only did it once, not counting the other handful of times he tried it. All better?

Clare
Theme Song: “Rocky Raccoon” by The Beatles
Rumor has it that Joe is up next to arrive and Clare is super excited because she heard he was really funny. Unfortunately, the pseudo charming Joe we met on Kaitlyn’s season has been replaced by an awkward weirdo with the same southern drawl. When he arrives, everyone sits in a circle in complete silence. That hasn’t happened since last week when Ashley I-Lashes suffered from a sever case of social mutism that resulted in a heated discussion about Jasmine being superior to hags like Cinderella.

When Joe does decide to talk, he directs his comment toward Clare, noting that this isn’t her first rodeo. He reminds the group that she’s been to Paradise before, which is “terrible.” The lighting strikes, signifying that Clare is pissed. She has a conversation with her raccoon friend about how Joe is such a chach. I understand this was staged for television, but I was really rooting for that raccoon to get into the wine bottle. That would have made for an amazing journey for that little guy.

Juelia
Theme Song: “Hopelessly Devoted to You” by Olivia Newton-John
Joe randomly asks, “Does anyone want to go horseback riding with me?” This is his way of telling the group that he has a date card. Juelia volunteers and then Joe plays a weird game of lost in translation with her. At the end of their time together around the fire, she has to double check that they are, in fact, really going on the date. This upsets Jonathan because he gave his rose to Juelia the day before. Will she just blatantly give her rose to Joe this week?

Welcome to the game, Jonathan. Did they not include a one-sheeter on the general premise of the show in your introductory packet?

Joe and Jue show up in shorts to ride horses. Rookie mistake. They make their way to a body of water where they have lunch. Joe asks about her daughter, tells her that he loves kids and says everything a single mom wants to hear. He has her eating out of his hand. I wish he would have told her to get shorter false eyelashes next time, because you know she would listen. When she calls him out for being awkward the night before, he charms her into thinking that he was just nervous around a pretty girl who wears statement bracelets in the water. She issues forth an, “Awwwwwww” and then they make out under a waterfall.

Joe
Theme Song: “Loser” by Beck
Jue is a smitten kitten. Sadly, everyone can tell that Joe is phoning it in. Because the walls and the trees have ears, a camera catches Joe admitting to a producer that he’s waiting for Samantha to arrive in Paradise. Juelia is his rose ticket this week. She’s not a good kisser and she’s not that smart. Bring on the pretty one no one remembers from The Farmer’s season! Say hello to our new villain.

He’s probably being tortured on Twitter right now. He deserves what he gets.

Mikey T.
Theme Song: “Making Love Out of Nothing At All” by Air Supply
Sweet Dan overhears over breakfast that Clare is just not that into Mikey T. This blows Dan away, but his hair miraculously stays intact. Always the informer, he rushes off to tell Mikey T. that Clare is telling the girls that she likes Jared. Mikey looks dumbfounded in a way that isn’t shock, but more like he’s trying to figure out the square root of 64. Dan tries to help him along by gently implying that SHE DOES NOT LIKE YOU MAN. Mikey T. walks away from the pow-wow feeling that he and Clare are stronger than ever before. Next time Dan should use crayons to help explain himself.

Jared
Theme Song: “Ladies Choice” from Hairspray
Because the producers are evil, Jared gets a random date card presented to him in front of the entire cast. He doesn’t even think before inviting Clare to join him the next day. I feel sorry for Carly who has to cry babysit Ashley I-Lashes while she loudly inquires through choking sobs why anyone would want to date someone who has eggs as old as Clare? She even put on nude lipstick so he wouldn’t be afraid to kiss fire engine red lips! Worst day everrrrrrrrrrrr.

That one’s definitely going to hurt on the old social media account tomorrow…

Jared tries to be a gentleman and explain to Mikey T. that he wants to explore his feelings toward Clare. No offense.

Unfortunately, Mikey takes offense. A lot of offense. And when Clare approaches him, his endocrine system can’t handle the pressure. Clare is confused by his machismo attitude but doesn’t back down. She wants to know what she has done to make him angry? As he may recall, she told him during their tantric yoga sesh date that she wanted to see other people. He remembers the conversation differently. PLAY BACK! CAN WE GET SOME PLAY BACK OVER HERE?

Mikey also forgets the conversation he had with Dan five seconds ago. To quote Kirk, “Mikey’s wedding vision board is officially ruined.” This, of course, is when Kirk endeared himself to me and my sarcastic side. I shall root for him to win an not get skin cancer in the process.

Mikey yells some more. Clare becomes irritated at his oblivious nature and then embarrassed that everyone is watching. She runs to her bunk to cry. Juelia is sent to check on her, put doesn’t help because she’s too happy basking in her post-Joe glow. Clare weeps because Mikey “shredded her a new one.” Consider his claim unstaked.

OTHER NOTABLES:

  • Ashley Onion and Dan are still going strong. Although she admits that she would never pee on him, should he suffer from a jellyfish sting, she would pee in a cup and let him use her urine to pour it on his leg. She’d also dig him a hole to use for privacy.
  • Mike T. wears his hair like Pebbles Flintstone when he goes to bed.
  • Tanner is letting his once shaved chest hair grow back out.
  • I’m convinced Dan dyes his hair black in a “Just For Men” sort of way.
  • Ashley I-Lashes squatted in the ocean in front of people. And there was a bathroom right there. I died a little on the inside.
  • Carly’s trying to bring back shortalls. Let’s help her make that happen.
  • Crabs can fly.

For tonight’s episode, I’m going to need your help. I’ll be somewhere along an eastbound highway making my way to the coast with zero access to a television. Instead of a normal recap, I’m going to fashion one out of YOUR Tweets, Facebook messages and emails. I’ve done this once before and it was a huge hit because you people are freaking HILARIOUS!

When something funny, crazy or noteworthy occurs, simply message me or comment on one of my social media accounts. I’ll piece them all together tonight for tomorrow’s post, giving you full credit for making me spit Dr Pepper on my screen. I can’t wait!

 

Comments

93 Comments on "‘Bachelor in Paradise’ recap: The crying game"

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amy a
amy a

“Brilliant. Let’s have the girl who can’t talk to boys land one for the girl who doesn’t want to be there!”

Love it. Can’t wait to read tomorrow, it’ll be genius, I’m sure!

Lincee

Thanks Amy A! Make sure to tweet or FB message!

suzi
suzi

molly is ecstasy and miley sings about it all the time.

Lincee

I thought she had a friend named Molly…interesting.

delyla
delyla

ROFLMAO @Lincee – that is classic!!!!!

Margo

I suffered thru last night so I could better relate to your snark, Lincee. WELL DONE!

I cannot believe how immature all these contestants are. I makes my jaw drop how serious they (pretend?) to take these, at best.. “acquaintences” They are relationships.. that insults real ones.

Peeing on beach? Tears? Joe faking liking Juelia? oy. tweets should be good tonight.

Margo

typo. the ARENT relationships. not even close.

Lincee

I agree Margo. It’s ridiculously wonderful.

Erin J.
Erin J.

Yes! “Rediculously wonderful!” I’m loving it. So much drama. It’s fun to be horrified and fascinated by Ashley I-lashes and Lauren, as well as the rest of the gang. I hope a real couple does work out. I remember really liking Kirk when he was on before, was it with Ali? He’s very funny/witty. He’s my fave. I’m bummed by Carly’s eye brows but they are funny together.

NicoleinWI
NicoleinWI

I loved when the raccoon got the wine bottle.

The rest of the time I was using the 30 seconds forward button on my remote. So painfully awkward. Man Ashley I is an ugly crier.

I feel terrible for saying this – but I find it hard to feel bad for any of these parents missing their children. They realize they made the decision to leave their kids right? This isn’t like you are leaving for a noble cause or anything. The success ratio for these shows is super low! You really left your kids to go on a long vacation!

Sorry, that was my parent rant. Everytime they say stuff it makes me angry. Sure JJ, its tough. So tough that you went directly from one show to another without bothering to go home to see your daughter.

Also – when they showed that producer saying he should tell Juelia that he doesn’t like her – I had a hard time believing that.

Jackie
Jackie

Nicole – i had the exact same thought watching last night. I find it hard to be sympathetic to people who are on round two of a reality show “looking for love” and talking about missing their kids. Not saying they don’t truly miss them, just that no one forced them to go on TV…

Lincee

The producers are evil geniuses!

Karla
Karla

Hey Lincee,
Love your blog–not being not-picky (ok I’m being a little nit-picky, English major and all) but Some Day My Prince Will Come is from Snow White I think. 😀

Linda
Linda

That is correct. It is from Snow White. And I’m not even Ashley I-lashes or Tenley.

Lincee

Not picky at all Karla! I’ll edit that right now!

Emily
Emily

The plural of molly is just molly. Things you learn when you go to school in Miami….

Also, Carly is funny, but I’d have more respect for her if she didn’t miss her brother’s wedding to be on this crap show. It’s not even the real Bachelor!

Lincee

She missed her brother’s wedding to be on the show? WOW!

And thanks for the plural lesson. Filing it away now…

Susan
Susan

I’m beginning to like it even better than the original.

Kate
Kate

Yes! I was disappointed to hear that about Carly too. I don’t care if your brother gave you permission, missing his wedding to be on this show is pretty pathetic. I still think she’s funny, just disappointed.

Beth
Beth

I’m finding this show totally boring. Josh has proven to be a complete loser. We all knew JJ was already. I don’t understand why all these people think the Bachelor family is a great thing to be part of. Even Tenley, who I thought was such a nice, sincere girl, seems to think her best hope for finding love is on this stupid show. Are these people delusional, desperate or all auditioning to be actors/actresses? I’m sorry for the rant but I just don’t get it.

Lincee

I don’t get it either Beth. But we press on because we’re all in this together.

Eileen
Eileen

I am so over Ashley I’s dramatics! She has the emotional maturity of a paper napkin. I mean, she was literally wailing when her sister left. How is it possible that she is 27 years old??

Kate
Kate

Completely agree! Their parents have to be so embarrassed. Imagine having to explain it at the next family reunion. There’s usually that one “Crazy kid” in the family who is up to something that makes for interesting stories. But having BOTH your daughters go on such a show and act like they do would make me question every thing I did as a parent.

Opie
Opie

I think it’s probably actually the parents’ fault. They were most likely raised in that “you are the prettiest princess and most special snowflake” and “hold out for the prince you deserve, no common man is good enough for you” and “you are better than all the maidens in the land”-type nonsense. They are the product of their upbringing. And they are tedious.

Lincee

Those girls are rare indeed.

Christine
Christine

“Those girls are rare indeed.”
That line almost made me fall off my couch laughing!

Erin J.
Erin J.

Agree! They are fascinating to me, though. How are they really behaving like that??? They are both so beautiful but seem so very immature, and their behavior makes them so unattractive. But I’m still fascinated, it’s like I can’t look away!

delyla
delyla

Whenever the sisters are on my TV, I start having flashbacks to two teenage daughters going through junior high drama together. The tears flow a plenty!!!

Jess
Jess

I do not get Joshua’s appeal. I’m not attracted to him at all. His voice is a little weird and he’s kind of awkward.

Lincee

He was up there for me for a while and now he’s not. I’m officially rooting for the bearded guy.

Pia
Pia

I don’t know which was more cringe-worthy: Ashley I crying or Mikey T speaking. This was a Mikey gem: “She is a geniune person with a geniune heart. She deserves a man.” This stupid show is fascinating. Your recaps are always laugh out loud hilarious, Lincee.

Favorite lines: “This blows Dan away, but his hair miraculously stays intact.” “Mikey looks dumbfounded in a way that isn’t shock, but more like he’s trying to figure out the square root of 64.”

Lincee

Thanks for the favs Pia! Always great to “see” you here in the comments.

Rachel
Rachel

“Mikey looks dumbfounded in a way that isn’t shock, but more like he’s trying to figure out the square root of 64.”

bwahahahaha!

And Joe farting and yawning…what in the world. Bless his heart.

Lincee

I’m not sure what we are supposed to think about Joe. I guess he is the villain now?

Kirk (not Carly's b-friend)
Kirk (not Carly's b-friend)

My namesake, Kirk, is setting new highs (or lows) for most bland BIP contestant ever. Even Carly is not nearly as clever as she was on her Bachelor season. I, also, had to look up Samantha and even then she didn’t look familiar. Joe must have had some inside info, can’t imagine why she of all people would be invited. Eavesdropping on contestant/producer chat is another new high, or low, depending on how you see it. Joe feeling free to rip one in front of crew, especially female crew, took douchebaggery to a whole new level. The producer telling him to at least keep his legs together when he farted was confusing to me. That makes it OK if the squealer is delivered through closed legs? My nanna never told me that!

An entire episode without an appearance from OHCH was also unsettling, unless I missed something.

I think last night also set the record for most awkward silences in a single episode ever. This crew is not meshing at all.

Also, hard to believe, the Disney princess could not land a man in the five years since Jake the Snake. Really? Claire I can kind of understand, although I can tell you the bar is pretty d@mn low in Sacratomato.

janice
janice

Tenley was with Kypton for 5 years. He recently had a baby with another woman ……

‘My nanna never told me that?’ bahahahaha, too funny.

Jen
Jen

Kiptyn had only known the baby momma for a month when she got pregnant with his child. I can see why Tenley was so sad and devastated. I lost a lot of respect for Kiptyn.

Lincee

Love you and your Nanna, Kirk. Always comment!

Jenny
Jenny

Kirk,
Tenley was with Kypton for five years.

Kari K
Kari K

Great stuff as always, Lincee.

Wasn’t this the second date card that Jarod received? Didn’t he get one the first night? Do you think the producers were watching the triads and deciding what drama they could stir up with it? I love that they gave him the date card right then.

BTW – Best set of lines…
“Be not afraid of greatness. Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and others have greatness thrust upon them.” – Twelfth Night

“Some are born great. But if they were born in the ‘80s, they are old and need let others have greatness thrust upon them.” – Ashley I-Lashes

Eileen
Eileen

Kardashley got the date card and asked Jared out on the first episode.

Kari K
Kari K

Ah, you’re right! Thanks for keeping me honest.

Lincee

Thanks for the favs Kari K!

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