‘Bachelor in Paradise’ recap: The crying game
Raise your hand if your head hurts from rolling your eyes while watching Bachelor in Paradise? Does anyone else feel like the ABC Psychotherapist needs to intervene? We have some serious issues bubbling over in the various nooks and crannies of the resort and I’m mixture of bored and sad. I’m borad. Someone hysterical goes home. Seven people cry. JJ spouts metaphors like a Lit professor at the local JuCo. Newcomers roll in and shake the delicate foundation made up of hot sand and tequila. One has to consider desperate measures when Ashley Onion is the voice of reason.
Alas, this is Bachelor in Paradise. No one in charge staples a memo to the palm tree out front announcing mandatory counseling sessions in Hut #3. The alcohol will flow freely. The skin will eventually peel from lack of sunscreen. And the date cards will be handed out to integral players who have every intention of stirring up drama.
The only thing we can truly count on are Ashley I-Lashes’ tears. They are typically our constant in a hypothesis full of question marks. But for now, she’s ecstatic. As you may recall, when we last left the little princess, she was participating in a three-way hug with her sister and Jared. The entire cast basked in the scent of fresh roses and the reality that they would have one more week in Paradise.
And what a week it turned out to be. Let’s break down the contestants:
Theme Song: “If Loving You Is Wrong, I Don’t Want To Be Right” by Luther Ingram
Lauren is miserable and it isn’t pretty. In fact, it’s downright snotty if you want to know the dirty details. She’s hot. She’s sweaty. And she’s around people 24/7. This is her own personal hell, so the reasonable thing to do is cry about the situation. Any normal sister would have told her to, “SUCK IT UP YOU’RE IN PARADISE,” but Ashley I-Lashes chooses to perpetuate the madness by complaining to her sister through frustrated tears that she is RUINING ROSE DAY.
Ashley convinces Lauren to stick around until Josh-UA shows up. I guess they are allowed to peruse a season 2 roster while having their blood drawn to check for STDs? Anyway, Lauren agrees to mope in public where she unwisely indicates to both Mikey T. and Tanner that she’s probably leaving soon because she is “super into someone back home.” She follows that vital piece of information with the mysterious, “I’m in love, but I can’t do anything about it.” Through several large bites of pineapple, the boys obviously conclude that lover boy is married.
Lauren: He’s not married. I’m kind of a mistress.
Oh my heavenly days. Ashley I-Lashes is the normal one?
The boys run off to tell the other dudes who tell a gaggle of girls in the pool. My favorite line of the entire night was when Kirk announced that Lauren called herself a mistress and Carly answered with an awesome, “Who does that? Who’s Lauren?”
Carly is my new Michelle Money.
Theme Song: Someday My Prince Will Come from Sleeping Beauty
Joshua finally arrives to Paradise and before he can say, “I’m the one who shaved the side of my head and was set home last season,” Ashley whisks him away to talk up her sister. Brilliant. Let’s have the girl who can’t talk to boys in charge of landing a man for the one who doesn’t want to be there. Joshua politely lets her know that he’s interested in meeting a lot of different people and escorts her back to the bar. Ashley thinks this was a good talk.
Now it’s up to Lauren to seal the deal. She leads with, “Do you like aggressive girls?” just as Tenley swoops in, wondering if Joshua has had a chance to see the ocean yet? You know…that huge body of water crashing in waves behind him. She and Joshua head off to an abandoned bungalow as Lauren assures the camera that she’s going to be the one Joshua invites on his date. JJ is also on Team Oblivious. He informs us all that there isn’t any way in the world Tenley would accept a rose from Joshua.
No one (except two incognizant individuals) is surprised by Tenley’s notification that Joshua is going to take her out on his date. JJ uses passive aggressive grand statements and flexes his tattoo sleeve to process the information. Lauren copes by packing her suitcase while Ashley turns on the waterworks, challenging her sister to “not be a mistress for the rest of her life.” #Squadgoals
Even though this was probably the best case scenario for Ashley, she completely loses it in a guttural way watching her sister drag her rolly bag through the sand. I’m ashamed to report that I laughed a little bit. BYE LAUREN!
JJ behaves the way any jack wagon would—by berating the welder behind his back. He calls himself the hero, noting that no Disney princess would ever end up with the blacksmith. He’s going to let Joshua have his fun.
And boy does Joshua have fun. He and Tens, wearing a dress she fashioned from an old bandana, talk about how big his hands are. I’m not sure if Tenley meant this to borderline as a sexual innuendo, but Josh’s head was definitely right there in the gutter with mine. Tens is thrilled to learn that he was a theater nerd growing up. He even knows Shakespeare and stuff! They slam a few shots, get busy on the dance floor and then play a little tonsil hockey.
“Be not afraid of greatness. Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and others have greatness thrust upon them.” – Twelfth Night
“Some are born great. But if they were born in the ‘80s, they are old and need let others have greatness thrust upon them.” – Ashley I-Lashes
Theme Song: “Mean” by Taylor Swift
The smell of a welding torch and man hands still lingers around Tenley’s bandana dress when JJ hijacks her to take her on a “real” one-on-one date. She obliges, even though the moment is super uncomfortable in front of all the other tree dwellers. JJ takes her to a secluded spot and then makes out with her for several minutes before heading off to bed. That’s when Joshua intercepts and gets to second base while JJ snores in his boxer briefs.
Theme Song: “High-er Love” by Steve Winwood
The next day, Joshua brags about taking Mollys at a club in LA. Apparently he enjoyed the experience, encouraging Jared and Ashley I-Lashes to try the hallucinogenic drug should the opportunity ever arise.
Let the record show that I had never heard of a Molly before tonight. Ashley I-Lashes informed me that it is a hallucinogenic drug. Also, let the record show that I’m too lazy to research if the plural of Molly is Mollys or Mollies. Moving on!
The news of Joshua’s drug addiction spreads faster than Ashley can whip up a batch of tears. It doesn’t help that he talks about it AGAIN to the breakfast crowd. Except this time, he was at a bachelor party in Vegas and he couldn’t remember anything about the night. No memories. No money. No problem.
Mikey T. and Dan rush to Tenley to tell her that her boy toy is a hard-core partier who has to get high in order to have a good time. When Tenley starts to cry about this rumor, both guys stare at each other and gesture for the other to console the old lady. Mikey is closest, so he sort of pats her on the head.
Tenley analyzes her current state of emotions, questioning the possibility that she may have once again connected with someone too fast. She must confront Joshua about what she’s heard. Her idea of confronting is a touch different from a person who hasn’t been sitting in the sun for seven days straight. She asks him if he knows what might have been said that would have upset her. Nice and vague. Joshua pieces the puzzle together, admitting that he did try Molly once, but it’s incredibly overrated. That time he said it was badass less than 12 hours ago was just a joke. And he only did it once, not counting the other handful of times he tried it. All better?
Theme Song: “Rocky Raccoon” by The Beatles
Rumor has it that Joe is up next to arrive and Clare is super excited because she heard he was really funny. Unfortunately, the pseudo charming Joe we met on Kaitlyn’s season has been replaced by an awkward weirdo with the same southern drawl. When he arrives, everyone sits in a circle in complete silence. That hasn’t happened since last week when Ashley I-Lashes suffered from a sever case of social mutism that resulted in a heated discussion about Jasmine being superior to hags like Cinderella.
When Joe does decide to talk, he directs his comment toward Clare, noting that this isn’t her first rodeo. He reminds the group that she’s been to Paradise before, which is “terrible.” The lighting strikes, signifying that Clare is pissed. She has a conversation with her raccoon friend about how Joe is such a chach. I understand this was staged for television, but I was really rooting for that raccoon to get into the wine bottle. That would have made for an amazing journey for that little guy.
Theme Song: “Hopelessly Devoted to You” by Olivia Newton-John
Joe randomly asks, “Does anyone want to go horseback riding with me?” This is his way of telling the group that he has a date card. Juelia volunteers and then Joe plays a weird game of lost in translation with her. At the end of their time together around the fire, she has to double check that they are, in fact, really going on the date. This upsets Jonathan because he gave his rose to Juelia the day before. Will she just blatantly give her rose to Joe this week?
Welcome to the game, Jonathan. Did they not include a one-sheeter on the general premise of the show in your introductory packet?
Joe and Jue show up in shorts to ride horses. Rookie mistake. They make their way to a body of water where they have lunch. Joe asks about her daughter, tells her that he loves kids and says everything a single mom wants to hear. He has her eating out of his hand. I wish he would have told her to get shorter false eyelashes next time, because you know she would listen. When she calls him out for being awkward the night before, he charms her into thinking that he was just nervous around a pretty girl who wears statement bracelets in the water. She issues forth an, “Awwwwwww” and then they make out under a waterfall.
Theme Song: “Loser” by Beck
Jue is a smitten kitten. Sadly, everyone can tell that Joe is phoning it in. Because the walls and the trees have ears, a camera catches Joe admitting to a producer that he’s waiting for Samantha to arrive in Paradise. Juelia is his rose ticket this week. She’s not a good kisser and she’s not that smart. Bring on the pretty one no one remembers from The Farmer’s season! Say hello to our new villain.
He’s probably being tortured on Twitter right now. He deserves what he gets.
Theme Song: “Making Love Out of Nothing At All” by Air Supply
Sweet Dan overhears over breakfast that Clare is just not that into Mikey T. This blows Dan away, but his hair miraculously stays intact. Always the informer, he rushes off to tell Mikey T. that Clare is telling the girls that she likes Jared. Mikey looks dumbfounded in a way that isn’t shock, but more like he’s trying to figure out the square root of 64. Dan tries to help him along by gently implying that SHE DOES NOT LIKE YOU MAN. Mikey T. walks away from the pow-wow feeling that he and Clare are stronger than ever before. Next time Dan should use crayons to help explain himself.
Theme Song: “Ladies Choice” from Hairspray
Because the producers are evil, Jared gets a random date card presented to him in front of the entire cast. He doesn’t even think before inviting Clare to join him the next day. I feel sorry for Carly who has to cry babysit Ashley I-Lashes while she loudly inquires through choking sobs why anyone would want to date someone who has eggs as old as Clare? She even put on nude lipstick so he wouldn’t be afraid to kiss fire engine red lips! Worst day everrrrrrrrrrrr.
That one’s definitely going to hurt on the old social media account tomorrow…
Jared tries to be a gentleman and explain to Mikey T. that he wants to explore his feelings toward Clare. No offense.
Unfortunately, Mikey takes offense. A lot of offense. And when Clare approaches him, his endocrine system can’t handle the pressure. Clare is confused by his machismo attitude but doesn’t back down. She wants to know what she has done to make him angry? As he may recall, she told him during their tantric yoga sesh date that she wanted to see other people. He remembers the conversation differently. PLAY BACK! CAN WE GET SOME PLAY BACK OVER HERE?
Mikey also forgets the conversation he had with Dan five seconds ago. To quote Kirk, “Mikey’s wedding vision board is officially ruined.” This, of course, is when Kirk endeared himself to me and my sarcastic side. I shall root for him to win an not get skin cancer in the process.
Mikey yells some more. Clare becomes irritated at his oblivious nature and then embarrassed that everyone is watching. She runs to her bunk to cry. Juelia is sent to check on her, put doesn’t help because she’s too happy basking in her post-Joe glow. Clare weeps because Mikey “shredded her a new one.” Consider his claim unstaked.
- Ashley Onion and Dan are still going strong. Although she admits that she would never pee on him, should he suffer from a jellyfish sting, she would pee in a cup and let him use her urine to pour it on his leg. She’d also dig him a hole to use for privacy.
- Mike T. wears his hair like Pebbles Flintstone when he goes to bed.
- Tanner is letting his once shaved chest hair grow back out.
- I’m convinced Dan dyes his hair black in a “Just For Men” sort of way.
- Ashley I-Lashes squatted in the ocean in front of people. And there was a bathroom right there. I died a little on the inside.
- Carly’s trying to bring back shortalls. Let’s help her make that happen.
- Crabs can fly.
For tonight’s episode, I’m going to need your help. I’ll be somewhere along an eastbound highway making my way to the coast with zero access to a television. Instead of a normal recap, I’m going to fashion one out of YOUR Tweets, Facebook messages and emails. I’ve done this once before and it was a huge hit because you people are freaking HILARIOUS!
When something funny, crazy or noteworthy occurs, simply message me or comment on one of my social media accounts. I’ll piece them all together tonight for tomorrow’s post, giving you full credit for making me spit Dr Pepper on my screen. I can’t wait!