‘Bachelor in Paradise’ recap: Some find love. Others find tequila.
I had high hopes that this episode of Bachelor in Paradise would kick-off with JJ punching Joe in the trachea, but that didn’t happen. Instead, Tenley gives a stern, “I thought I heard shouting” message that was oddly as effective as that time my dad came upstairs for the third time in my life to encourage my sister and I to stop jumping on the bed. Tenley simply raised her eyebrow and everyone shut up. It was fascinating.
Juelia is in full mope mode, but her eyelashes remain intact with each tear. Newbie Amber is learning how to maneuver through an onslaught of crabs who have invaded your room. A). You don’t scream like a banshee when you see one and B). You just squashed Ashley’s pet. Awesome.
Joe has turned into a paranoid, clingy person who is now unsure Samantha is his woman. He asks the camera person to confirm. Samantha plays the role of dutiful Bonnie to his Clyde. Everyone hates them, and she’s just fine with that. Unfortunately, Jade and Tanner draw the short stick and are given short, simple statements about Joe being a chach that they must memorize and recite at the rose ceremony. Even Jorge stops the blender so he can hear what’s going down.
Joe “steps up to the plate” and confesses to the group that he reached out to Samantha via Instagram. She was “too scared to communicate” and he wants everyone to know that he is the one to blame for their indiscretion. Samantha strokes her extensions in silence. Juelia asks Joe a direct question: “Did you come here with the intention of meeting Samantha.” No one offers to help a sister out with a few sweat blotting papers before her close-up.
Before Joe can provide an honest answer of, “OF COURSE I CAME HERE FOR HER,” Samantha jumps in to defend her own honor. She continues to interrupt Juelia so Clare orders Samantha to stop talking so Juelia can hear Joe’s answer. She questions why Samantha is being such a jack wagon when Juelia is supposed to be her friend? Then Clare used the non-existent word “supposebly” and my head explodes.
Tanner is annoyed that Joe is owning up to what he did, but Samantha isn’t. He has zero respect for her and fears that she will come off looking bad.
That’s called FORESHADOWING.
Over in an abandoned cabana, Jared and Ashley I-Lashes are once again sitting in awkward silence. Ashley wonders why he hasn’t kissed her since the last cocktail party? Jared wonders how she is wearing a replica of the blue heart necklace from a beloved movie that came out in 1997. The silence is overwhelming, so Jared goes in for another kiss and Ashley attacks him with her hands, body and mouth. Although he does not feel like the king of the world in the moment, Ashley naturally misreads the signs, confident that her heart will go on.
Amber is also on alert. She’s afraid Dan isn’t going to give her his rose. She puts on a tiny sequin skirt from the fancy section of the Build-A-Bear workshop and showers him with compliments. Meanwhile, Tenley hints around that JJ should give his rose to Juelia since she’s the only one who TRULY deserves finding a connection. This is her only hope to find love, because it doesn’t exist outside of Paradise. Mike Fleiss said so.
But Juelia doesn’t want a pity rose. Instead, she wants justice. She finds Harrison gearing up for his rose ceremony entrance. She insinuates that Joe used her for her rose and she let a really good guy go home as a result. Harrison has an entourage waiting back on his private island where details are being finalized for Jorge’s induction. There’s no time for a counseling session.
OHCH: What are you asking of me?
Jue: Can we bring Mikey back?
Suddenly, we are at the rose ceremony. All the couples give their roses to each other (Joshua/Ten, Jared/Ash, Kirk/Carly, Tanner/Jade, Joe/Samantha) and then Harrison calls JJ’s name. He waits the appropriate amount of time for a proper build-up before handing his rose to Ashley Freaking S! Everyone takes a moment to pick their own jaws up off the floor as military music swells in the background. JJ gives a speech about how he broke up with a girl back home to come to Paradise, but now he knows that she is the one! He’s going to beg, steal and borrow to get her back. He hugs everyone, salutes Harrison and somehow leaves a hero.
Next up is Dan. He pulls a Clare and leaves the general ceremony area, but instead of asking for a private audience with Harrison, he asks for Carly to join him. He pretends to be torn between giving a pity rose to Juelia or a sure-thing rose to Amber. That struggle lasted all of 10 seconds before he hands it over to Amber.
Megan, Clare and Juelia are out. Clare announces that she has officially retired from the Bachelor franchise. She calls her lawyer to see if there’s any way she can negotiate getting her soul back from Mike Fleiss.
Juelia makes her way to the rejection limo through the dark jungle and someone spots her thanks to her fluorescent yellow pencil skirt. It’s Mikey! Lo and behold, Harrison was able to fly him back in the 30 minutes it took for Juelia to make that wish. I assume he used Ashley I-Lashes magic lamp. Something tells me the ABC Intern was involved too.
Mikey asks Juelia for another chance. She agrees and they make their way back down to the rose ceremony area. Everyone screams in glee except Joe and Samantha. Juelia doesn’t care. She secured at least another week in Paradise. She hugs the girls, pats Tenley’s woodland creature friends and blows a thankful kiss to her Fairy Godpimp Chris Harrison.
Joe whispers to Samantha that Juelia makes him look like the biggest villain in the world. Samantha continues to smile and feign excitement while ignoring the Kentucky bumpkin permanently stuck to her side. During his interview, the producers tell Joe that he didn’t look happy that Juelia was back. He explains that his happy face is the same as his indifferent face. My friend Emily suggests that he probably suffers from RBF.
When the group arrives back at the house, someone finds a date card with Tanner’s name on it. Because it’s practically dawn, he and Jade have to leave immediately for their excursion. Jade changes into a maxi dress with no panties. Tanner opts to catch a few zzz’s by wearing his rose ceremony outfit. They get on a plane bound for Guadalajara. And the animated maps are back! ABC spares no expense for the Paradise folks.
An exhausted Tanner is put to work when they arrive at a winery. He has to chop down the leaves of a small agave plant so Rafael can extract the juices to make a cocktail. Manual labor dates are the best. Later, they squish onto a comfortable wrought iron bench to cuddle. Jade finds a fantasy suite date card. She smiles at Tanner, eager for the opportunity to forego with him. Lord help us all if she breaks out the laptop again.
Tanner wants to talk to Jade about his feelings. Being the wild mustang that she is, I was nervous that this would make her skittish and she would head for the agave hills. Instead, she tells Tanner that she too has feelings for him. They decide to make it official by labeling each other boyfriend and girlfriend. Then they sit in a tree all night long, foregoing things.
Back at the tree house, Nick shows up from Ashley/JP’s season. Wow. We have really rolled back the old Rolodex on this one! Harrison greets him and asks who he’s excited to see in Paradise?
Nick: Samantha. She and I talked on the phone and text messaged a lot. If I had a date card, she would be on the top of my list. The girl is a smoke show.
1. I may have stood up when he said that he and Samantha talked and texted. Truly.
2. I may have choked on a Starburst jellybean when he said Samantha was smoke show.
3. I’ve since learned that “smoke show” is supposebly a thing the kids say nowadays.
4. I will work “smoke show” into a sentence today to look cool.
Nick arrives at Jorge’s bar and everyone wonders who the old guy is? He gives his credentials by flashing a date card and asking Samantha to join him for a quick talk. Joe seethes while maintaining his RBF. Samantha and Nick talk about how flattered she is that he asked her and then she gives him very vague compliments. When they return to the bar, someone asks her if they are going on a date and Samantha answers no.
Nick is shocked. He fills Mikey T. in on all their calling, texting and the fact that he MET HER IN LOS ANGELES. They’ve been communicating for months. Mikey decides to keep this information to himself because it’s better TV drama if he leaks it later in the season. He tells Nick that Ashley S. is his only option for a date.
Nick and Ashley S. arrive at a sketchy part of town for their island date. Sadly, Hurricane Carols has hit the island and it’s closed. The little guy tries to tell them that the island is closed because of weather. Nick and Ashley assume someone named Carlos is coming to get them. Once they figure out that they can’t paddle themselves to the island, they opt for massages and drinks at the local fancy hotel. Who needs to seek shelter when you can seek tequila?
We witness Nick and Ashley take four shots before the lady comes to give them their sensual massages. Then Ashely decides to massage Nick who flips over from his back to his front. That’s when we get a shot of the blue shorty shorts. Somewhere, Ed from Jillian’s season is thrilled that someone else decided to continue his tradition of shorty shorts.
With Clare gone, I assume the producers needed another contestant to conversate (also not a word) with the animals. In this instance, Ashely has a telepathic conversation with a crow while the camera cuts to quick shots of Nick’s junk. In his shorty shorts. It was so uncomfortable that I spent a good two minutes behind the couch cushion yelling, “IS IT OVER?” No. No it was not over. To quote Phoebe Buffet, “Boy Scouts could have camped under there.”
Once they are all oiled up, they get all up in each other’s business and begin making out. Let the record show that the alcohol still flowed freely. By the time dusk rolled around, they were both hammered drunk. So the best thing to do at this point is to stick them in a hot tub with more clear liquor at arms-length.
I shouted for Ashley to “TURN AROUND! DON’T DROWN!” but she didn’t listen. Instead, she started talking about how she is a sister to Nick (cue the weirdo look from Nick) and that she has ESP or something. She’s not slurring. She’s speaking in cursive. Nick wonders if she’s too “out there” for him before he sticks her tongue down her throat. She may not be his cup of tea, but she certainly is his shot of tequila. Ole!
The next day is Joe’s birthday and he’s going to party hard. That means he’s going to turn up his insecurities to paranoia levels! He tells Samantha that “A girl like you doesn’t date a guy like me.” She assures him that she is there for him and then she gets up to go have a chill moment by washing and drying her hair. This puts Joe on high alert. People don’t just go and wash their hair for no reason. Something is up.
Samantha tells Joe that she is allergic to drama and is in some desperate need for Claritin. She follows that up with a vague, “But everything is fine.” Then she presses her boobs up against his chest and he forgets everything.
Over in the gross pool that I pray has enough chlorine to kill whatever bodily fluids are floating around in there, Mikey asks Jared point blank if he’s over Kaitlyn. Jared answers, “Not fully.” Mikey tells him he needs to tell Lady Lashes.
Jared: It’s time for a brutally honest talk. I feel that she may have stronger feelings for me.
This quote has been approved by Captain Obvious.
Jared takes Ashley to the official outdoor break-up cabana and tells her that he wants her to experience things with other guys in Paradise. Ashley informs him, “That is NOT going to happen.” Jared tries another tactic.
Jared: I don’t know how strong our chemistry is and I don’t want to lead you on.
Ash: I don’t accept that. If you left me on a board floating in the freezing ocean, I would move over so you could climb up. Near. Far. Wherever we are…
Finally Jared tells her that she’s the sweetest girl ever. Ashley’s eyelashes grow wide because she recognizes this phrase. She has officially been placed smack dab in the middle of the dreaded Friend Zone. THE HORROR.
Jared then takes the salt shaker out of Nick and other Ashley’s hands and pours its contents on Ashely I-Lashes open wounds and blames Kaitlyn on his lack of interest. She holds a poorly manicured nail to her forehead and begins to cry. Why did she choose TODAY to use white Lee Press-On nails?! Why!?! She asks Jared to leave.
Ash: I’ve never been so upset in my life!
Lincee: Really? Remember this?
Someone dials Kaitlyn and hands Ashley the phone. Through heaving sobs, she manages to ask, “WHAT DID YOU DO TO JARED? THIS SUCKS FOR MEEEEEEEE!!!”
That nude sketch Jared drew of her might fetch a pretty penny on E-BAY. Silver linings people.
I-Lashes isn’t the only one having a no good very bad day. Joe asked Jorge to bake him a cake so he can throw an “I’m an idiot” birthday party for himself and a special guest. Samantha waltzes in, glances at the cake and then tells him that he is a nice guy, but there’s just to much drama in his life. She wonders why Juelia was deceived and refuses to even think about how Juelia tried to tell her specifically how she was deceived. Details. She throws around the phrase “red flag” before telling him that she wants to go on dates with other people in Paradise. Oh and Happy Birthday!
Samantha rushes down to the bar to publicly update her relationship status. Joe finds Joshua. He needs to trash Samantha big time. She will NOT get away with this. He has all the text messages to PROVE that she wanted him to do anything he had to in order to get a rose. He has been played and he will not have it!
The ABC Intern offers to go fetch Juelia. She knows exactly how Joe is feeling! The producers roll their eyes and ask him to gather more crabs for the girls’ room. Bless him.
It looks like Joe is going to drop the hammer before the next rose ceremony. The big question is, does anyone care at this point? And how is Samantha going to handle the feud? My guess is that she turns on the waterworks and Nick will be there to console her.
Make sure to stay tuned tonight for the big announcement of our next Bachelor! He’s supposebly a smoke show!