‘Bachelor in Paradise’ recap: Drama club

funny bachelor recap-Bachelorette Kaitlyn

I feel like someone should have issued a warning for the Bachelor in Paradise beach dwellers. No, it’s not Hurricane Carlos. You can see him coming from a mile away. It’s easy to prepare for his inevitable destruction. Just take shelter in a place where the tequila flows freely and hunker down until the worst is over.

The real danger comes in the form of a subtle threat that moves stealthily across the sand in various bikinis. She’s a fierce beauty for sure, but she’s also quiet. This is often a deadly combination. She has single-handedly created enough drama in 24-hours to last the entire season, yet somehow manipulates everyone into thinking she is the victim.

Well, everyone besides Tanner. This guy is on to you Samantha! AND SO AM I!

Checkmate Joe #chessmaster #BachelorInParadise #pawn

A photo posted by Tanner Tolbert (@tanner_tolbert) on

Samantha is wreaking havoc with every twist of a hair extension, tug of a belly ring and bat of an eyelash. She dominates so much time in this episode that I almost forgot to mention the modesty black boxes covering Tenley and Carly’s denim panty crotch shots as they pretended to do synchronized swimming routines outside of the water.

In case you were struck on the head by a blunt object, Samantha ended it with Joe because she’s just not that into drama and it follows him around like flies on horse manure. She doesn’t want to start a relationship in such a negative place, so she’s decides to explore Paradise (read: explore Nick’s shorty shorts). Joe is furious that she is breaking up with him when she specifically asked him to do whatever it takes to stay in Paradise. Is she pulling a Joe on him? Is he the new Juelia?

Samantha wants him to know that they are not breaking up. She has legitimate feelings for him. He will always have a place on her back burner. But she is numero uno on every bachelor’s hit list (no pun intended) and she does not take this responsibility lightly. She must familiarize herself with everyone. It’s the only fair thing to do.

This news sends Joe into a drunken stupor for most of the episode. Even his dedicated confidant Joshua is exhausted from hearing about these alleged texts which will DESTROY Samantha and clear his name. Joshua’s advice? Make nice. Enjoy your free vacation. Apologize for the drama and quit being a jack wagon.

Joe nods his head, opts for another one of Jorge’s famous tequila sunrises and seeks out Ashley I-Lashes. She is ecstatic to see him because all of the girls are tired of Ashley-sitting while she processes her recent breakup with Jared. Ash wants to pinpoint exactly where it all went wrong. She wants Joe to commiserate in her misery since he knows exactly what she’s going through. Instead Joe tells her he “doesn’t really do emotions” and that she needs to suck it up, otherwise she won’t hear his awesome story about a certain text message. Then he has the audacity to ask her who is getting her rose?

I’m proud to report that Ashley didn’t receive this question as an invitation to hook-up. She grabs both of her alcoholic beverages and takes to her bed. The Blond Ambition Tour arrives to console her again. Ashley begins crying even harder because no one told her that crochet ponchos were in and everyone is wearing one besides heeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Later, Mikey T. and Juelia take a private plane to Guadalajara. Get ready to chop some agave! Oh wait…they’re walking to an auditorium? Cue the obscure musical group who has an album dropping on iTunes this week! Oh wait…it’s Lucha Libre? Ah yes. Guadalajara is the city for lovers. Mexican wrestling lovers. Which, by the look of Mikey T’s face, is the key to Mikey’s soul. That and a good can of hairspray.

After Juelia gets splattered with a ton of sweat, an adequate amount of cerveza and a little blood, Mikey pulls out a fantasy suite date card and asks Juelia if she would like to forego her individual room? Mikey is game, because he’s a man (barf). Juelia takes all the advice she got from that “you owe me for dinner” film we had to watch in high school and throws it out the window.

Jue: He came all the way back from Chicago just for me. I think it would be nice to spend some more time with him.

Right. Mikey T. came back from Chicago in the 20 minutes between the time you asked Our Host Chris Harrison to fetch him and the time he showed up? Either there’s a Chicago, Mexico that I don’t know about, or “Chicago” is Spanish for “hotel down the street.”

In other news, Kirk takes Carly fishing at sunset. So cute. They may not have caught a fish, but they definitely caught each other. Tanner would like for you to know that he wrote that line and let Carly use it in exchange for 20 minutes of alone time in the girl bunk with Jade.

Ashley I-Lashes has reemerged from her hole to face the world again. Since Jared is so perfect, she can’t hate him. And she’s done enough self-loathing for one day. She’s wearing her favorite dozen bracelets and huge statement necklace that looks like decoupage made out of plates. It’s time to help mankind or something. She seeks out Joe and gives him a little advice: be playful with Samantha. She wants to start fresh? Why not pretend to meet her for the first time?

Joe thinks this will make him look like a fool. Ashley thinks looking like a fool is exactly what the doctor ordered. Joe decides that he will do anything to win back the woman who would never give him the time of day in a million years. Ashley sets the scene at the s’more beach party by scooting over to leave only one spot to sit by Joe. Samantha sits and Joe lets way too much time pass before extending his hand with a weak, “I’m Joe.” She stares at him like he’s an idiot.

Mission accomplished?

Because the producers always prefer to kick a man when he’s down, they send in Justin. He’s sweating worse than that time ABC made Roberto climb a mountain before proposing to Allie. His hair is fortunately a bit more tame than his boy band look from Kaitlyn’s season. And he has eyes for one woman—Samantha, of course.

Joe immediately embraces his good buddy and drags him away with the other fellas from his season so they can all claim their women. Joe gives Justin permission to talk him up if he’s ever with Samantha. Justin smiles, slaps his bro on the back and then asks Samantha out. She says yes. The vein in Joe’s forehead pops.

Samantha pulls Joe to the private break-up room where she dashed his hopes and dreams on his birthday. She talks a lot about clean slates and how she doesn’t know what to feel, but she does care for him, but she doesn’t do drama, yet he is drama, blah, blah, blah.

Joe is quick to remind her that she is the reason the drama is happening in the first place. Evil genius Samantha launches into another monologue about starting fresh. Joe demands that she start fresh with him. She said that wouldn’t be fair to his heart. Say hello to your puppet master, Joe.

TO BE CONTINUED!

Enough about Samanthagate…let’s talk about the new Bachelor PETER BRADY! I am so excited about this! I know a lot of you think he will be boring. I say, “BRING ON THE BOREDOM!” I’m actually looking forward to watching him be nice and gentlemanly. And you know Fleiss will pair him with at least half a room full of straight up crazy. The girls will bring provide lots of entertainment.

What do you think? Are you excited about Peter? Should I start watching old episodes of The Brady Bunch for research?

Comments

97 Comments on "‘Bachelor in Paradise’ recap: Drama club"

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Christine
Christine

YES to Peter Brady, Lincee! Bring on the boring. And the sweetness, & the kindness, & the manners. Hopefully he will be a lot like wonderful Sean Lowe, the gold standard for the Bachelor.

WOO!
WOO!

3 things I like about Ben:

1. He’s 26. I’d much rather see a young bachelor than an older bachelor.
2. He’s a Christian, and a very nice one. A lot like Sean Lowe.
3. Unlike the last two bachelors, he can speak properly. I was SO over dolphin-giggles Soules within two episodes, and only watched for the girls. And Juan Pablo was just beyond awful in every way.

So yay for Peter Brady! I hope he finds a great girl!

Rolo Tomasi
Rolo Tomasi

Bachelor in Paradise makes me miss Bachelor Pad. At least with the latter you got the crazy and some sort of purpose with competition and strategy. Sure – it’s a stretch to say any of these knuckleheads past or present can utilize strategy but pretend it did or could happen.

I may be in the minority but Juelia’s story is just tiresome. Of all the guys to sweep her off her feet they picked the meathead who moments into the season was bragging about being an alpha male and was trying to convince Ashley I’s sister to go Juan Pablo/Clare in the ocean moments after meeting. The dude she wasn’t interested in at all prior to getting dumped by Kentucky Joe.

It’s almost like the producers have gotten lazy or are all on molly this season – at least they brought in a contestant who knows where to score. “Hey – things are getting boring down there. Send in someone else no one really knows and have them ask out the girl who just got asked out by everyone else.” when the bartender becomes a character on the show it’s a bad sign.

Yet I keep watching. Serenity now.

Rachel
Rachel

The thing I keep remembering about Juelia is that Joe never really actually *asked* her to go on that date…she invited herself!

Molly
Molly

YES! Everyone was so annoyed that Joe “used her” but no one seemed upset that she sent a seemingly good guy home, one that she had a connection with…Jonathan. To drag in Mikey T – who she openly rejected is just a little out there.

Julie
Julie

“Ashley begins crying even harder because no one told her that crochet ponchos were in and everyone is wearing one besides heeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.” Hahaha. Seriously. What DOESN’T make Ashley I cry?? Every so often, I feel myself warming up to her, and then I remember her repeatedly complaining about the “old ladies” in paradise, who happen to be my age (if not younger), and I just simply cannot.

Also, I would like to officially revoke Joe’s Puppet Master status and give it to Samantha. Tanner’s tweet was hilarious, and dead on. That chick is a piece of work. Though, as Carly so aptly pointed out, “Karma’s a b*tch.” Carly, by the way, is my absolute favorite. She’s hilarious.

Last night I attempted to On Demand “After Paradise,” because I wanted to see the Peter Brady announcement (yayyyy!), but it wasn’t available yet. So I watched last week’s instead, and actually really enjoyed it! I found JJ surprisingly charming, and loved the dynamic between Jason Biggs and the Guardians of the Galaxy guy who was also a guest. I loved that they also take calls from viewers, Bachelor bloggers (you should totally call in, Lincee…just saying), and people like Michelle Money, and incorporate live tweets from people on the show as they are being talked about. My first reaction to the fact that they were throwing yet another hour-long show into the mix was one of annoyance, but I think I will be setting my DVR to record the rest of them!

Sea Jay

I actually like the “After Paradise” too. It gives them a chance to show us what they are like, at least sober. I’ve always thought it was so unethical the way they butcher these peoples’ reputations for the sake of a good storyline and then leave them to deal with the aftermath. Their jobs, future jobs, family, etc.

I’d like more behind the scenes, or scenes not shown tidbits, but realize that’s going to be pretty limited.

dreadswinter
dreadswinter

Lincee, I so enjoy your recaps , I look forward to reading your take on it rather than a monologue of what transpired.

Coming to Samantha, she was expecting Joe to be a suave and smooth dude. She hoped he would lead on someone just to the point of necessity and slowly break off with them after she comes over. Basically a ‘suave asshole’. She did not expect a country bumpkin, who also has traces of a sociopath in him. He wrecked havoc and brought in everyone on his mission samantha ,could not keep his mouth shut and could not help the sudden villain status he has thus acquired.She got herself a basic dick!

She tried coaching him and she tried giving him hints and what not but nope the guy would not shut his face.
Samantha failed in reading Joe , where she succeeded with Nick. He ,too, was a guy she texted but he came in read the situation ,’understood’ what was happening and cooled off until samantha is suddenly single for him to ask out !

From the promos it seems Sam is dinged with the text gate and she is outed. She should have thought about her defense a little bit better ,would have been so much easier if she said, yep texted but did not realize how far he would go to get a rose.

She initially shrugged off Juelia and slowly realized what a moron Joe is and then the sense of disgust came over and she decided to smooth it out using the NO DRAMA ,with or without the text evidence she was not gonna have a clean breakup.the text evidence makes it worse.

I am basing all of this with Samantha being a selfish.self-centered,self-obsessed prick ,thats why not writing about how she is a terrible friend and manipulator and all that.

It takes two to play the game, Sam failed to pick the right one to play it with !! and to think they were speaking for a month before it started and planned this out .. haha .. the irony of it 🙂

starhermit
starhermit

Good analysis – I agree!

Erika
Erika

Am I the only one our favorite host duped last night when he played his diiiirty little trick of having Nick on?! Just when I finish saying, “Nooooooooo! Are you serious? I’m out.” Hare announces the real bachelor. Not funny, Hare, not funny at all!!

Beth
Beth

Me too! I was like “oh crap” and already thinking I couldn’t possibly watch.

Tracy
Tracy

I thought the same thing!!! I was sitting in total fear. I got the impression that Nick was hoping it was him as well!!!

ricksterb
ricksterb

Listen … I was almost relieved when I thought it was going to be Nick. I thought that I could FINALLY leave Bachelor Nation and get on with my life!

Linda H
Linda H

I totally thought the same thing and my husband was cheering for Nick because he knew I would never watch a season if he was the Bachelor.

Saggleo
Saggleo

I thought the same and thought I miss heard when he announced Ben. Nick must really love stretching out those ’15 minutes’ to be apart of that ‘joke’. Please be gone from tv for good. Mmkay! Thanks bye! LOL

Claiborne
Claiborne

I was THRILLED it was maybe Nick! But, I suspected it was a trick. OHCH had said in an interview that Nick had his fair share of time on the show and needed to get on with real life.

I know few people root for him, but I have always loved Nick! Supposedly he just got a modeling contract- he does photograph really well.

Ben H will be really nice and has a shot at finding someone I guess. I had vowed Kaitlyn was my last season- it was just so gross- but I might make an exception for Ben.

scraptordelight
scraptordelight

Come on…it was kind of funny. All’s well that ends well.

Sea Jay

I thought it was funny, too. And Nick seemed to be being a good sport about it, half playing along with it.

If they had tried to trick him into believing it was going to be him and then pull the rug out – making it the third time he’d been in the #2 spot and then dumped on national TV – it would have been too much. And not funny. I mean, they’re certainly capable. Look at how OHCH told Britt she………….. wasn’t the Bachelorette.

delyla
delyla

I also thought that my bachelor watching days had finally come to an end. I was almost relieved! (almost being the key word)!!
For sure my BFF was not going to watch it with me if it was Nick (or ick) as we refer to him! She can’t stand him worse than anyone I’ve ever talked to.

Amy
Amy

Love your recaps Lincee! Favorite gems from this recap:

“Samantha wants him to know that they are not breaking up. She has legitimate feelings for him. He will always have a place on her back burner. But she is numero uno on every bachelor’s hit list (no pun intended) and she does not take this responsibility lightly. She must familiarize herself with everyone. It’s the only fair thing to do.”

“The Blond Ambition Tour arrives to console her again. Ashley begins crying even harder because no one told her that crochet ponchos were in and everyone is wearing one besides heeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.”

“Joe demands that she start fresh with him. She said that wouldn’t be fair to his heart. Say hello to your puppet master, Joe.”

Poor Joe! Like all Ashley Madison users, he has been completely betrayed, force fed his own medicine, all while lying in the bed he made!

white

i love that they brought nick out last night to dupe the viewers that was classic! i was freaking out too. well played hare, well played.

Amanda
Amanda

Three cheers for Bonnie from Knoxville! We haven’t been watching the after-party, but did last night, and made it just through Bonnie’s phoned-in comment highlighting the much-forgotten fact that Juelia was fairly warned (by not one, not two, but THREE different people) about Joe. She still decided to give him her rose.

Bonnie also pointed out that Juelia has now turned the tables and is pretending to be interested in Mikey T. I haven’t yet swallowed the kool-aid on Juelia…

ANITA PEARSON
ANITA PEARSON

FAVORITE LINE FROM THE RECAP!

Either there’s a Chicago, Mexico that I don’t know about, or “Chicago” is Spanish for “hotel down the street.”

HILARIOUS!!!

Buffy
Buffy

Not even gonna comment on Joe/Samantha. It’s done to death.
But Juelia, oh, Juelia…Seriously time to re-evaluate your priorities, lady. You have wound up looking so extremely desperate. The guy you didn’t even want to kiss, you now decide to share a bed with overnight because you think he came back for you? Mikey would have come back for anybody, and methinks you would have shared the fantasy suite with anybody who claimed to be even vaguely interested in you, even if you just met. Gross.

Amy Fritchman

This recap had me laughing out loud in carpool line! So much nonsense! Such a brilliant recap!

I still wish you were OHCH’s partner in After Paradise. You’re way funnier. Just sayin.

Evangeline
Evangeline

I sooo agree with you!!! The sidekick that Chris has is kind of crass, I think Lincee would be way more funny and classy!!!!

delyla
delyla

Agree and I tweeted him about this last week. He didn’t listen. He didn’t even retweet. 🙁

starhermit
starhermit

I thought Ashley I’s suggestion to Joe for winning Sam back was so hilarious in that it demonstrates how completely removed she is from the actual realities of dating and even just basic interpersonal relations. She gave him advice that might work within the realm of a stupid romantic comedy, but never in real life…

Pril

Good point. There’s life, then there’s Princess Ashley I’s fairy tale version of life. The sooner that gal gets a therapist, the better.

Britt
Britt

Great Recap as always!!! My favorite: “Samantha wants him to know that they are not breaking up. She has legitimate feelings for him. He will always have a place on her back burner.” =)

LG3
LG3

Love your recaps, Lincee! You’re hilarious and spot on with these crazies!

Did anyone notice that Tanner and Joe were wearing the same blue and white gingham shirt for the rose ceremony? Why didn’t one of them change?

Maybe it’s just me, but it really bothers me when Juelia speaks to her daughter on the phone she refers to herself in the third person. She says things like, “Mommy misses you.” “Mommy loves you.” “Mommy wishes she could hug you.” Why doesn’t she ever use “I” in place of “Mommy?” Just sayin’…

Vicki
Vicki

LG3, I am right there with you!!!!! I hate it when people refer to themselves – or me – in the third person, such as when they say to me, “How’s Vicki today?” What IS that?

Also noticed those matching shirts. I thought it was weird, and I also thought they could have positioned the guys so they weren’t standing right next to each other during the rose giveaway.

baseballmama
baseballmama

Drives me nuts too. I keep saying really? if you miss her go home. Go home! Do you really think you are going to ever find a quality guy on this show? Uggg Quit pretending that you are a doting mom when you have left your 2 year old daughter not once but twice within a few months to hook up with guys on a trashy show

Liana
Liana

The whole Juelia thing was totally overblown and overplayed. She was warned about Joe and still went ahead and gave him her rose even though she kind of sorta invited herself on the date. He never formally asked her to go.
She is obviously a sweet person but comes across very desperate. Don’t tell me wherever she is from there aren’t any eligible guys to date. Now she is all over Mikey the meathead? Really? It won’t last.

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