‘Bachelor in Paradise’ recap: Drama club
I feel like someone should have issued a warning for the Bachelor in Paradise beach dwellers. No, it’s not Hurricane Carlos. You can see him coming from a mile away. It’s easy to prepare for his inevitable destruction. Just take shelter in a place where the tequila flows freely and hunker down until the worst is over.
The real danger comes in the form of a subtle threat that moves stealthily across the sand in various bikinis. She’s a fierce beauty for sure, but she’s also quiet. This is often a deadly combination. She has single-handedly created enough drama in 24-hours to last the entire season, yet somehow manipulates everyone into thinking she is the victim.
Well, everyone besides Tanner. This guy is on to you Samantha! AND SO AM I!
Checkmate Joe #chessmaster #BachelorInParadise #pawn
Samantha is wreaking havoc with every twist of a hair extension, tug of a belly ring and bat of an eyelash. She dominates so much time in this episode that I almost forgot to mention the modesty black boxes covering Tenley and Carly’s denim panty crotch shots as they pretended to do synchronized swimming routines outside of the water.
In case you were struck on the head by a blunt object, Samantha ended it with Joe because she’s just not that into drama and it follows him around like flies on horse manure. She doesn’t want to start a relationship in such a negative place, so she’s decides to explore Paradise (read: explore Nick’s shorty shorts). Joe is furious that she is breaking up with him when she specifically asked him to do whatever it takes to stay in Paradise. Is she pulling a Joe on him? Is he the new Juelia?
Samantha wants him to know that they are not breaking up. She has legitimate feelings for him. He will always have a place on her back burner. But she is numero uno on every bachelor’s hit list (no pun intended) and she does not take this responsibility lightly. She must familiarize herself with everyone. It’s the only fair thing to do.
This news sends Joe into a drunken stupor for most of the episode. Even his dedicated confidant Joshua is exhausted from hearing about these alleged texts which will DESTROY Samantha and clear his name. Joshua’s advice? Make nice. Enjoy your free vacation. Apologize for the drama and quit being a jack wagon.
Joe nods his head, opts for another one of Jorge’s famous tequila sunrises and seeks out Ashley I-Lashes. She is ecstatic to see him because all of the girls are tired of Ashley-sitting while she processes her recent breakup with Jared. Ash wants to pinpoint exactly where it all went wrong. She wants Joe to commiserate in her misery since he knows exactly what she’s going through. Instead Joe tells her he “doesn’t really do emotions” and that she needs to suck it up, otherwise she won’t hear his awesome story about a certain text message. Then he has the audacity to ask her who is getting her rose?
I’m proud to report that Ashley didn’t receive this question as an invitation to hook-up. She grabs both of her alcoholic beverages and takes to her bed. The Blond Ambition Tour arrives to console her again. Ashley begins crying even harder because no one told her that crochet ponchos were in and everyone is wearing one besides heeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
Later, Mikey T. and Juelia take a private plane to Guadalajara. Get ready to chop some agave! Oh wait…they’re walking to an auditorium? Cue the obscure musical group who has an album dropping on iTunes this week! Oh wait…it’s Lucha Libre? Ah yes. Guadalajara is the city for lovers. Mexican wrestling lovers. Which, by the look of Mikey T’s face, is the key to Mikey’s soul. That and a good can of hairspray.
After Juelia gets splattered with a ton of sweat, an adequate amount of cerveza and a little blood, Mikey pulls out a fantasy suite date card and asks Juelia if she would like to forego her individual room? Mikey is game, because he’s a man (barf). Juelia takes all the advice she got from that “you owe me for dinner” film we had to watch in high school and throws it out the window.
Jue: He came all the way back from Chicago just for me. I think it would be nice to spend some more time with him.
Right. Mikey T. came back from Chicago in the 20 minutes between the time you asked Our Host Chris Harrison to fetch him and the time he showed up? Either there’s a Chicago, Mexico that I don’t know about, or “Chicago” is Spanish for “hotel down the street.”
In other news, Kirk takes Carly fishing at sunset. So cute. They may not have caught a fish, but they definitely caught each other. Tanner would like for you to know that he wrote that line and let Carly use it in exchange for 20 minutes of alone time in the girl bunk with Jade.
Ashley I-Lashes has reemerged from her hole to face the world again. Since Jared is so perfect, she can’t hate him. And she’s done enough self-loathing for one day. She’s wearing her favorite dozen bracelets and huge statement necklace that looks like decoupage made out of plates. It’s time to help mankind or something. She seeks out Joe and gives him a little advice: be playful with Samantha. She wants to start fresh? Why not pretend to meet her for the first time?
Joe thinks this will make him look like a fool. Ashley thinks looking like a fool is exactly what the doctor ordered. Joe decides that he will do anything to win back the woman who would never give him the time of day in a million years. Ashley sets the scene at the s’more beach party by scooting over to leave only one spot to sit by Joe. Samantha sits and Joe lets way too much time pass before extending his hand with a weak, “I’m Joe.” She stares at him like he’s an idiot.
Because the producers always prefer to kick a man when he’s down, they send in Justin. He’s sweating worse than that time ABC made Roberto climb a mountain before proposing to Allie. His hair is fortunately a bit more tame than his boy band look from Kaitlyn’s season. And he has eyes for one woman—Samantha, of course.
Joe immediately embraces his good buddy and drags him away with the other fellas from his season so they can all claim their women. Joe gives Justin permission to talk him up if he’s ever with Samantha. Justin smiles, slaps his bro on the back and then asks Samantha out. She says yes. The vein in Joe’s forehead pops.
Samantha pulls Joe to the private break-up room where she dashed his hopes and dreams on his birthday. She talks a lot about clean slates and how she doesn’t know what to feel, but she does care for him, but she doesn’t do drama, yet he is drama, blah, blah, blah.
Joe is quick to remind her that she is the reason the drama is happening in the first place. Evil genius Samantha launches into another monologue about starting fresh. Joe demands that she start fresh with him. She said that wouldn’t be fair to his heart. Say hello to your puppet master, Joe.
TO BE CONTINUED!
Enough about Samanthagate…let’s talk about the new Bachelor PETER BRADY! I am so excited about this! I know a lot of you think he will be boring. I say, “BRING ON THE BOREDOM!” I’m actually looking forward to watching him be nice and gentlemanly. And you know Fleiss will pair him with at least half a room full of straight up crazy. The girls will bring provide lots of entertainment.
What do you think? Are you excited about Peter? Should I start watching old episodes of The Brady Bunch for research?