‘Bachelor in Paradise’ recap: Why limit happy to an hour?

funny bachelor recap-Bachelor in Paradise

There are few things that make me stand up and hold my laptop over my head in triumph when it comes to watching Bachelor in Paradise. Joe being dumped on national television is certainly one of them. Ames showing up in crisp red pants is one too, but that’s another post of another day.

I have to brag a bit—I saw it coming when Our Host Chris Harrison called Samantha to the rose ceremony pedestal last after Amber gave her rose to Justin. Of course, I also thought in that moment that ABC was trying to fake me out by making me THINK that Samantha would pick Dan over Joe. When it happened, triumph ensued.

Between Joe’s rejection and Miley Cyrus’ pasties, The Twitterverse was on fire last night.

But before I get to the rose ceremony (that actually happened on the first night!) let me point out that IHGB commenter Debra helped me pinpoint why Samantha looks so familiar to me! She’s the spitting image of Ursula when she transformed into that dark-haired girl with Ariel’s voice!

funny bachelor recap-Bachelor in Paradise

Tenley should have picked up on this. Ahhhhh, ahhhhh, ahhhhhhhhhhh! Ahhhhh, ahhhhh, ahhhhhhhhhhh!

At the start of the show, Samantha transitions into “sweet mode” and invites Joe for a little visit. She continues down the path of manipulation by explaining to Joe that it’s not fair to him that she accepted a date with Justin when he is on her mind. Joe melts into a mushy pile of goo and tells the camera that he is blown away, while everyone else gives Samantha charming monikers like “spider woman” and “praying mantis” and “back stabber.”

Samantha breaks the news to Justin, who starts sweating profusely and doesn’t stop until presumably the end of time. He sloshes over to Amber and asks if she wants to go on his date? Amber is totally up for making Dan jealous, so she agrees. That phrase actually came out of her mouth. And she’s going to use a string bikini and translucent sarong to get the job done.

Suddenly, Joshua spots an unfamiliar pair of chinos walking down the path.

Carly: Who is it?
Joshua: I only know my season.

This simple statement makes me love Joshua even more. I hope he and Tenley find true love. I have no doubt he will be able to fashion a nice iron castle for them to live in the enchanted forest.

Chris Bukowski beelines for the bar and quickly makes friends with Jorge before bro hugging all of the dude contestants and checking out the racks of all the girls. Tenley is the only one who knows who this yahoo is and is quick to tell everyone that Chris is a Bachelor franchise legend just like her! Except everyone loves her and hates him. Chris is just like Justin Bieber—he just won’t go away.

While Chris boozes it up, Justin and Amber take a few salsa lessons in town that slowly morph into the lambada. Most of the onlookers were unfazed until Amber rips his shirt off and the sunburn on his white chest nearly blinds them. Heat radiates from his body in more ways than one. I was too concerned about second-degree burns to care that they began making out and grabbing each other in public.

Two words Justin: Aloe vera. Have the ABC Intern hook a brother up because that is definitely going to peel and possibly cause cancer.

While Justin tries to recover from Amber’s claw marks down his blistered back, Amber tells the camera that she made a mistake. She really likes Dan. Whoopsie. When she returns from her date with Justin, she immediately asks him to go talk on the beach bed. She tells him that she had a great time with Justin and that they kissed a few hundred times, but through all the kissing, butt grabbing and permanent scarring, she realized that Dan is the one for her!

Dan recycles the same “I just want to be friends” speech he just used on Ashley S. adding in a few extra dozen “likes” to really drive the point home. You like can’t like force something that isn’t like there. He’d rather, like, be honest, like now. Like he would like NEVER pull a Joe to like get her rose.

A.  I am over the moon that “pull a Joe” is in the Bachelor vernacular.
B.  Dan isn’t here to play.
C.  With great beard comes great responsibility.

Meanwhile, Chris continues to get wasted in the middle of the day. He wants you to know that he is NOT an alcoholic. Alcoholics go to meetings. He goes to parties. And this party is about to be epic! All he has to do is refrain from falling into the fire and everything will be fine. Carly gives Tenley the head’s up that Chris would like to share his Vodka hobby with her on his one-on-one date. And here he comes! Awkward turtle alert!

Chris can barely form a sentence, so Tenley helps the situation by offering to help him find someone ELSE to ask out on his date. PS: She still wants to be friends. Then she makes him repeat what she said, just to make sure he was coherent enough to understand the rejection. He was not, so they had to lather, rinse and repeat the process.

Tenley: I feel like I hurt his feelings.
Joshua: I feel like he might not remember.

Joshua for the win.

He then takes it another step by taking advantage of the drunk guy, asking Chris for his one-on-one date so it won’t go to waste—you know—since he’s not using it anyway. Chris hands it over to Joshua and then wanders out into the jungle, taking extreme pleasure in ripping off his microphone and throwing it into the foliage.

Well, he took about 10 minutes trying to get the microphone off, but the message was just as clear. HE IS DONE WITH PARADISE! Who needs shoes and a shirt when you’re double fisting a Jorge Special? The others have no idea he just left, but they are happy that they don’t have to check on him to make sure he hasn’t choked on his own vomit. #squadgoals

Joshua and Tenley fly to Guadalajara so they can spend the day with a celebrity chef who gives them hot peppers and cheese that is an aphrodisiac. Tenley wore her cutest romper because Joshua is worth shopping in the junior department. After eating a block of the “horny cheese,” Joshua carries her to a horse-drawn carriage where they make out all over town. This is exactly how Tenley pictured her Prince Charming! But with fewer tattoos.

This just in: Dan likes Samantha! Join the club Dan. Another one for the sea witch! Ahhhhh, ahhhhh, ahhhhhhhhhhh! Ahhhhh, ahhhhh, ahhhhhhhhhhh!

COCKTAIL PARTY

It’s been a while since we heard from Ashley I-Lashes and we finally learn why. She’s been busy penning a short novel. Logic tells her to NOT give Jared her rose. Her heart says write a short composition that explains all her feelings. She gives him the letter and tells him to read it and process the message before coming to find her.

It was 18 pages. FRONT AND BACK.

Once he gets to the halfway point, he heads over to Jorge to pour him up some liquid courage so he can continue reading. While he’s at the bar, Amber tells him that she is majorly interested in him. She knows that he is not that into Ashley I-:Lashes and that she has decided to officially throw her hat into the JARED IS THE BOMB-DIGGITY ring. Poor Jared looks defeated. It’s hard being so good-looking sometimes. The ABC Intern fetches Tanner to cheer him up.

Because Amber “just wants to be honest,” she tells Ashley I-Lashes that she too is going after Jared. The moon and waves stand still because Ashley does not cry when she learns this information. There’s definitely a disturbance in The Force.

Now it’s Dan’s turn to come clean. He grabs Samantha from Joe’s death grip and takes her down to the beach bed. He has no idea that he is caught up in her web. Instead of admitting that she is the most beautiful thing he has ever seen, he talks about Joe the Jack Wagon. He explains that he is a good judge of character and Joe is lying to her. He’s not being himself and he’s afraid he’ll be exposed.

None of that made sense but Samantha doesn’t have time to ask questions, because Joe steals her away so he can stick his tongue down her throat for a few minutes and pee all over her to mark his territory. Then he takes her back to Dan who finishes his monologue by saying, “The first time like you’re out with like your friends and like your phone dies, like he will lose his mind.”

Whoa. That’s heavy stuff.

Samantha: Does everyone feel this way?
Dan: Like, yeah.
Samantha: Why isn’t anyone telling me?
Dan: Because we like have to live together.

Samantha and Dan head back to the tree house for the rose ceremony. Carly/Kirk, Jade/Tanner, Tenley/Joshua and Juelia/Mikey T. get roses. Ashley S. turns on the crazy for a hot second, announcing that her struggle is hard. But she gives her rose to Nick anyway.

Then Harrison calls Ashley I-Lashes who proudly gives her rose to Jared. He accepts. Amber is left giving her rose to Justin. And then Samantha heads up to the podium. She lectures the group about drama as Dan’s beard glistens in anticipation.

Then she calls Dan’s name and the entire tree house gasps, including Jorge. Everyone is quiet, except Ashley S. who shouts, “WOW! SHOCKER!” to the top of her lungs.

Samantha follows Joe through the jungle because the producers make her. Joe wants to know why everything was okay until she spoke to Dan. He accuses her of leading him on this entire time. He wants her to admit that she texted him to do whatever it takes to stay in Paradise. She stares at him and apologizes that he “thought this was a relationship.”

Joe scoffs. He curses her with the threat of, “At the end of the day, you wont’ be with me or anyone else. You’re going to be with a lot of cats.”

Samantha decides right then and there that she is the victim and she will play the role to her best ability. She heads back to the rose ceremony with a wounded look that could win Academy Awards. Dan stands by her side as she reminds everyone, again, that she does not do drama just as Joe is showing her now infamous text message to the camera in the rejection limo.

Dan tells Samantha that everyone is glad she’s still in Paradise. Jared speaks up and reminds Samantha that she was equally to blame in this debacle. She needs to own up to her participation in Samanthagate. Then Ashley S. blurts out, “How many guys did you talk to before you came here? Did you talk to Dan? I’M STRUCK BY YOUR BEAUTY. What are you Aphrodite? I’m literally struck by your beauty.”

Oh Ashley. Aren’t you a fun little lollipop triple dipped in crazy! Never change.

Samantha wanders off into the jungle and Dan follows. She turns on the waterworks and he offers her his handkerchief, moist with beard sweat. She finds this charming.

I don’t know about you, but Carly and I are exhausted. And this is when the producers choose to bring in a new person? Re-meet Chelsea from Juan-Pablo’s season! She’s spunky, energetic and exactly what we DON’T need right now. Fortunately, Chels can read a room and decides to choose her one-on-one date the next morning.

Since Carly can’t stand Samantha with Dan, she tells Chelsea that he is the only guy that currently isn’t hooked up with someone else on some level. Chelsea agrees to ask Dan. We’ll see if he accepts her offer or if he stays to do the bidding of Samursula. Ahhhhh, ahhhhh, ahhhhhhhhhhh! Ahhhhh, ahhhhh, ahhhhhhhhhhh!

funny bachelor recap-Bachelor in Paradise

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