‘Bachelor in Paradise’ recap: Why limit happy to an hour?

funny bachelor recap-Bachelor in Paradise

There are few things that make me stand up and hold my laptop over my head in triumph when it comes to watching Bachelor in Paradise. Joe being dumped on national television is certainly one of them. Ames showing up in crisp red pants is one too, but that’s another post of another day.

I have to brag a bit—I saw it coming when Our Host Chris Harrison called Samantha to the rose ceremony pedestal last after Amber gave her rose to Justin. Of course, I also thought in that moment that ABC was trying to fake me out by making me THINK that Samantha would pick Dan over Joe. When it happened, triumph ensued.

Between Joe’s rejection and Miley Cyrus’ pasties, The Twitterverse was on fire last night.

But before I get to the rose ceremony (that actually happened on the first night!) let me point out that IHGB commenter Debra helped me pinpoint why Samantha looks so familiar to me! She’s the spitting image of Ursula when she transformed into that dark-haired girl with Ariel’s voice!

funny bachelor recap-Bachelor in Paradise

Tenley should have picked up on this. Ahhhhh, ahhhhh, ahhhhhhhhhhh! Ahhhhh, ahhhhh, ahhhhhhhhhhh!

At the start of the show, Samantha transitions into “sweet mode” and invites Joe for a little visit. She continues down the path of manipulation by explaining to Joe that it’s not fair to him that she accepted a date with Justin when he is on her mind. Joe melts into a mushy pile of goo and tells the camera that he is blown away, while everyone else gives Samantha charming monikers like “spider woman” and “praying mantis” and “back stabber.”

Samantha breaks the news to Justin, who starts sweating profusely and doesn’t stop until presumably the end of time. He sloshes over to Amber and asks if she wants to go on his date? Amber is totally up for making Dan jealous, so she agrees. That phrase actually came out of her mouth. And she’s going to use a string bikini and translucent sarong to get the job done.

Suddenly, Joshua spots an unfamiliar pair of chinos walking down the path.

Carly: Who is it?
Joshua: I only know my season.

This simple statement makes me love Joshua even more. I hope he and Tenley find true love. I have no doubt he will be able to fashion a nice iron castle for them to live in the enchanted forest.

Chris Bukowski beelines for the bar and quickly makes friends with Jorge before bro hugging all of the dude contestants and checking out the racks of all the girls. Tenley is the only one who knows who this yahoo is and is quick to tell everyone that Chris is a Bachelor franchise legend just like her! Except everyone loves her and hates him. Chris is just like Justin Bieber—he just won’t go away.

While Chris boozes it up, Justin and Amber take a few salsa lessons in town that slowly morph into the lambada. Most of the onlookers were unfazed until Amber rips his shirt off and the sunburn on his white chest nearly blinds them. Heat radiates from his body in more ways than one. I was too concerned about second-degree burns to care that they began making out and grabbing each other in public.

Two words Justin: Aloe vera. Have the ABC Intern hook a brother up because that is definitely going to peel and possibly cause cancer.

While Justin tries to recover from Amber’s claw marks down his blistered back, Amber tells the camera that she made a mistake. She really likes Dan. Whoopsie. When she returns from her date with Justin, she immediately asks him to go talk on the beach bed. She tells him that she had a great time with Justin and that they kissed a few hundred times, but through all the kissing, butt grabbing and permanent scarring, she realized that Dan is the one for her!

Dan recycles the same “I just want to be friends” speech he just used on Ashley S. adding in a few extra dozen “likes” to really drive the point home. You like can’t like force something that isn’t like there. He’d rather, like, be honest, like now. Like he would like NEVER pull a Joe to like get her rose.

A.  I am over the moon that “pull a Joe” is in the Bachelor vernacular.
B.  Dan isn’t here to play.
C.  With great beard comes great responsibility.

Meanwhile, Chris continues to get wasted in the middle of the day. He wants you to know that he is NOT an alcoholic. Alcoholics go to meetings. He goes to parties. And this party is about to be epic! All he has to do is refrain from falling into the fire and everything will be fine. Carly gives Tenley the head’s up that Chris would like to share his Vodka hobby with her on his one-on-one date. And here he comes! Awkward turtle alert!

Chris can barely form a sentence, so Tenley helps the situation by offering to help him find someone ELSE to ask out on his date. PS: She still wants to be friends. Then she makes him repeat what she said, just to make sure he was coherent enough to understand the rejection. He was not, so they had to lather, rinse and repeat the process.

Tenley: I feel like I hurt his feelings.
Joshua: I feel like he might not remember.

Joshua for the win.

He then takes it another step by taking advantage of the drunk guy, asking Chris for his one-on-one date so it won’t go to waste—you know—since he’s not using it anyway. Chris hands it over to Joshua and then wanders out into the jungle, taking extreme pleasure in ripping off his microphone and throwing it into the foliage.

Well, he took about 10 minutes trying to get the microphone off, but the message was just as clear. HE IS DONE WITH PARADISE! Who needs shoes and a shirt when you’re double fisting a Jorge Special? The others have no idea he just left, but they are happy that they don’t have to check on him to make sure he hasn’t choked on his own vomit. #squadgoals

Joshua and Tenley fly to Guadalajara so they can spend the day with a celebrity chef who gives them hot peppers and cheese that is an aphrodisiac. Tenley wore her cutest romper because Joshua is worth shopping in the junior department. After eating a block of the “horny cheese,” Joshua carries her to a horse-drawn carriage where they make out all over town. This is exactly how Tenley pictured her Prince Charming! But with fewer tattoos.

This just in: Dan likes Samantha! Join the club Dan. Another one for the sea witch! Ahhhhh, ahhhhh, ahhhhhhhhhhh! Ahhhhh, ahhhhh, ahhhhhhhhhhh!

COCKTAIL PARTY

It’s been a while since we heard from Ashley I-Lashes and we finally learn why. She’s been busy penning a short novel. Logic tells her to NOT give Jared her rose. Her heart says write a short composition that explains all her feelings. She gives him the letter and tells him to read it and process the message before coming to find her.

It was 18 pages. FRONT AND BACK.

Once he gets to the halfway point, he heads over to Jorge to pour him up some liquid courage so he can continue reading. While he’s at the bar, Amber tells him that she is majorly interested in him. She knows that he is not that into Ashley I-:Lashes and that she has decided to officially throw her hat into the JARED IS THE BOMB-DIGGITY ring. Poor Jared looks defeated. It’s hard being so good-looking sometimes. The ABC Intern fetches Tanner to cheer him up.

Because Amber “just wants to be honest,” she tells Ashley I-Lashes that she too is going after Jared. The moon and waves stand still because Ashley does not cry when she learns this information. There’s definitely a disturbance in The Force.

Now it’s Dan’s turn to come clean. He grabs Samantha from Joe’s death grip and takes her down to the beach bed. He has no idea that he is caught up in her web. Instead of admitting that she is the most beautiful thing he has ever seen, he talks about Joe the Jack Wagon. He explains that he is a good judge of character and Joe is lying to her. He’s not being himself and he’s afraid he’ll be exposed.

None of that made sense but Samantha doesn’t have time to ask questions, because Joe steals her away so he can stick his tongue down her throat for a few minutes and pee all over her to mark his territory. Then he takes her back to Dan who finishes his monologue by saying, “The first time like you’re out with like your friends and like your phone dies, like he will lose his mind.”

Whoa. That’s heavy stuff.

Samantha: Does everyone feel this way?
Dan: Like, yeah.
Samantha: Why isn’t anyone telling me?
Dan: Because we like have to live together.

Samantha and Dan head back to the tree house for the rose ceremony. Carly/Kirk, Jade/Tanner, Tenley/Joshua and Juelia/Mikey T. get roses. Ashley S. turns on the crazy for a hot second, announcing that her struggle is hard. But she gives her rose to Nick anyway.

Then Harrison calls Ashley I-Lashes who proudly gives her rose to Jared. He accepts. Amber is left giving her rose to Justin. And then Samantha heads up to the podium. She lectures the group about drama as Dan’s beard glistens in anticipation.

Then she calls Dan’s name and the entire tree house gasps, including Jorge. Everyone is quiet, except Ashley S. who shouts, “WOW! SHOCKER!” to the top of her lungs.

Samantha follows Joe through the jungle because the producers make her. Joe wants to know why everything was okay until she spoke to Dan. He accuses her of leading him on this entire time. He wants her to admit that she texted him to do whatever it takes to stay in Paradise. She stares at him and apologizes that he “thought this was a relationship.”

Joe scoffs. He curses her with the threat of, “At the end of the day, you wont’ be with me or anyone else. You’re going to be with a lot of cats.”

Samantha decides right then and there that she is the victim and she will play the role to her best ability. She heads back to the rose ceremony with a wounded look that could win Academy Awards. Dan stands by her side as she reminds everyone, again, that she does not do drama just as Joe is showing her now infamous text message to the camera in the rejection limo.

Dan tells Samantha that everyone is glad she’s still in Paradise. Jared speaks up and reminds Samantha that she was equally to blame in this debacle. She needs to own up to her participation in Samanthagate. Then Ashley S. blurts out, “How many guys did you talk to before you came here? Did you talk to Dan? I’M STRUCK BY YOUR BEAUTY. What are you Aphrodite? I’m literally struck by your beauty.”

Oh Ashley. Aren’t you a fun little lollipop triple dipped in crazy! Never change.

Samantha wanders off into the jungle and Dan follows. She turns on the waterworks and he offers her his handkerchief, moist with beard sweat. She finds this charming.

I don’t know about you, but Carly and I are exhausted. And this is when the producers choose to bring in a new person? Re-meet Chelsea from Juan-Pablo’s season! She’s spunky, energetic and exactly what we DON’T need right now. Fortunately, Chels can read a room and decides to choose her one-on-one date the next morning.

Since Carly can’t stand Samantha with Dan, she tells Chelsea that he is the only guy that currently isn’t hooked up with someone else on some level. Chelsea agrees to ask Dan. We’ll see if he accepts her offer or if he stays to do the bidding of Samursula. Ahhhhh, ahhhhh, ahhhhhhhhhhh! Ahhhhh, ahhhhh, ahhhhhhhhhhh!

funny bachelor recap-Bachelor in Paradise

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88 Comments on "‘Bachelor in Paradise’ recap: Why limit happy to an hour?"

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DCGirl
DCGirl

The Friends episode with “18 pages. FRONT AND BACK” is on TBS right now (yes, I’m 52 and home during the day watching it – but heading back to work here shortly.)

GREAT recap!!! The Little Mermaid references are hilarious. Chris Bukowski needs to never, EVER come back to the franchise again. He’s such a creep. And Ashley S keeps delivering.

Kansas sunflower
Kansas sunflower

Oh my goodness, I thought the same thing! I am sure Jared thought they were on a break.

Lincee

I LOVE that episode! It’s definitely one of the all-stars!

Hm
Hm

Okay, so I never saw Bachelor Pad. But I saw Bukowski on Emily’s season, Andi’s season (lol), and BIP1. I don’t get why everyone hates him! He does not actually seem like a bad guy. Just a complete goofball who drinks a bit too much and makes hilarious TV. A lot of bachelor alums say he’s actually a really nice guy.

Also, his relationship with Elise and the following montage as they left was one of the funniest things I have ever seen in this franchise.

What happened on Bachelor pad that made everyone hate him?

Hm
Hm

And additionally, what the heck is the awkward turtle?

Sophie
Sophie

I think he humped a couple different women (which, you know, whatever – that’s what these shows are about) but he did it in a way that was dishonest and insulting… left a lot of hurt feelings and angry people in his wake. Then he apologized on the finale and said his dad sat him down and told him he was a big dumb idiot and made him realize his mistakes.

Lincee

I think that he’s a general chach. Always lurking!

Julie
Julie

“It was 18 pages. FRONT AND BACK.”

I gleefully shouted the same exact thing to my boyfriend, who now has the distinct pleasure of being subjected to BIP twice a week, as we are newly living together. 🙂 I felt bad for Jared, having to make his way through that handwritten novella of hers, but I will say this – she definitely seemed calmer than she ever has before. So perhaps writing that letter really will give her whatever closure she needs.

Also, I loved the way the camera cut to the totally unenthused expressions on everyone else’s faces right after Dan told Samantha how happy they all were that she was still in Paradise. I saw him on After Paradise two weeks ago and thought he seemed both normal and smart, but apparently not.

Lincee

He’s definitely under Samantha’s spell…

Sara
Sara

Why was Dan’s beard so wet? That’s gross! I actually got my husband hooked on this series…that’s a big deal, I’ve been watching alone for a long time! Great recap, it really makes me laugh.

baseballmama
baseballmama

is that why its shiny? I kept trying to figure out why it was shiny, I didn’t know if it was gray hairs catching the light or if he had sprayed it with the sparkle stuff that girls spray on their hair for prom. that’s what it really looked like to me. haha

Sara
Sara

Whatever it is, it looked gross, haha.

Lincee

Thank you Sara! Dan was SWEATING and it was collecting in his beard. Moist.

delyla
delyla

Remind me again why we are wasting two night a week of our very precious lives watching this complete train wreck of a show!!!!!
Loved Ashley S saying Samantha was like a dead bird to her!!!!
As always – great recap!!!!!

Ann
Ann

Delyla,

We are watching this show so that we can better enjoy these absolutely phenomenal recaps. I wouldn’t even know where to start to choose a favorite line from this one.

The worse the show, the better Lincee gets.

This one is priceless.

Lincee

We watch because of Chris Harrison’s eyes and to support the ABC Intern. Or is that just me?

Kelli
Kelli

Nice Friends reference!

That sunburn looked painful and I was all–didn’t anyone suggest sunscreen to him? Even Shawn wore sunscreen (remember Kaitlyn kissing him and asking if he had it on?).

And you know what they say–you can’t drink all day if you don’t start in the morning.

Lincee

Valid point Kelli!

Maya
Maya

Ok Lincee and readers…tell me I am not the only one who thought this while watching last night. Yes, for the most part Samantha has been the beauty up until now, but for some reason last night she did not shine like before. And for the first time last night, more than ever, in the beautiful light blue dress, how gorgeous did Ashley I. look? And when Ashley I. is talking normal without tears and without acting like she is 12, she can really come off sophisticated, and I was happy to see that. I was so disappointed to hear Ashley S. (for whatever her reasons) feed into the whole beauty thing with Samantha. Just stop. Looks do not make acting like an a**hole ok. Regardless of your looks, there has to be OTHER layers. Sorry this is long but I have to include a mini rant as a Mom of a daughter. My daughter was blessed with good looks and is now married with children, but the entire time I was raising her I kept telling her, being pretty is never the goal, it is the bonus. You FIRST must be kind, fair, compassionate and respectful. (And in our house, have academic goals, you don’t have to be a genius, just have a plan, get educated.) So for all the haters out there that say women are hard on pretty women merely out of jealousy is incorrect. No, we are just intolerant of pretty women ruining it for all the genuinely nice pretty women. Think about it when you meet someone who is good looking, how many times you (incorrectly and even unfairly) assume they are conceited …it is human nature, everyone does it. However, what a pleasant surprise it is when that beautiful person you meet is a really good and genuine person? Beauty fades, character doesn’t. IMO, It is a bigger compliment to be told you are kind than to be told you are beautiful. I read an article many years ago about Sarah Ferguson, the Duchess of York, when she was still married, where she spoke about her own daughters. She was asked about the perception toward her daughters from people who do not know them personally and who will automatically assume they are spoiled and out of touch because of who their father is. Whether it is fame or beauty or wealth that sets you apart from others, her answer was amazing. Sarah says that when her daughters walk into a room, people are already prepared to dislike them (because of their fame and wealth) . She taught them that their job is to carry themselves in a way that disarms these people by stepping up their own character. Should they have to do this? No, but that is the price that comes with being in the public eye, whether you asked for it or not. I thought that was solid parenting advice when I read the article. You cannot change or control how the public will be towards you, but you can control the impression you leave people with…… Ok, rant over, thanks for the Dr. Phil moment everyone.

Christine
Christine

Thank you, Maya. I enjoyed reading your words of wisdom. You are right, Samantha could be a kind & lovely person if she chose to be. How we treat others is always a choice.
Thanks again for taking the time to write what you did.

Russ
Russ

Now I know how Jared feels.

Sandy
Sandy

Russ …stahhhppppppp…you weren’t forced to read…

Lincee

Thanks for taking the time to write Maya. I definitely hear what you’re saying.

DaisyTracy
DaisyTracy

I enjoyed your rant Maya!!!

Hm
Hm

You, Maya, are a fantastic mother.

baseballmama
baseballmama

I’ve waited all day to read that recap.. it did not disappoint. Front and back Front and Back! I knew that was going to make the cut. haha. I hope Ashley S is there till the end. She is hilarious. Wouldn’t want her for a daughter in law but through the safety of tv she is hilarious

EmilyApple
EmilyApple

“through the safety of tv” – haha, exactly!

Lincee

Ashley S. is a hoot!

Heather
Heather

Oh my gosh – she does look like Ursula! ha ha ha! Best lines:

Two words Justin: Aloe vera. Have the ABC Intern hook a brother up because that is definitely going to peel and possibly cause cancer.

Dan’s beard glistens in anticipation.

I also noticed that he gave her the handkerchief he’d been wiping his sweat with all night – ewwww!!!

Hilarious as always – thanks!

Lincee

Thanks for the favs Heather!

Jennifer
Jennifer

Maya-AGREED. I could not get over how beautiful Ashley- I looked and so agree on Samantha. I guess beauty is really in the eye of the beholder because I think that Amber is so much more beautiful then Sam. Sam is typical. And the inside is fading the outside very quickly!

Babs
Babs

I can not agree with you more Jennifer, I think Amber is stunning! I think she is hands down the prettiest girl there and not sure why none of the guys are seeing it?

Lincee

Did anyone notice that Samantha changed her eye color? She’s back to brown now…

hnygrl
hnygrl

Favorite line: “Oh Ashley. Aren’t you a fun little lollipop triple dipped in crazy!” I’m DYING!!! SO funny. “Samursula” FITTING.

This is the first BIP episode I found hilariously funny the whole way through. Loved that Carly tried to pawn Dan off on the new girl. All hell’s gonna break loose tonight when she finds out she’s been played.

Watch out “Carly’s guy” (See how much I watch this? Can’t be bothered to remember who’s with whom) Chelsea’s liable to ask him out in revenge.

Lincee

That’s TRUE! Carly might go creepin’ on Kirk!

Leslie
Leslie

My vote for favorite line of the week:

Two words Justin: Aloe vera. Have the ABC Intern hook a brother up because that is definitely going to peel and possibly cause cancer.

Love, love, love your recaps. It is truly the highlight of my Mondays!

Lincee

Thank you Leslie! I appreciate that!

chiromom
chiromom

Fantastic recap, as always Lincee!!!

Holy Cow Batman…I mean Justin…what a sunburn! Yikes! I can’t believe how Amber was acting with him, only to show buyer’s remorse immediately upon reentry to the lair. WTH?

I don’t see why everyone thinks Samantha is all that and a bag of chips. She seems to have such a nasty personality. Is it the edit? I doubt it. Dan’s now under her spell. Cue the maniacal laugh….

Ashley I-Lashes did look beautiful last night with her hair partly pulled up. Too bad she wrote that dissertation to Jared. I feel bad for her. Her parents really did a number on she and her sis. They have zero self-esteem.

Favorite lines:

[Samantha is] the spitting image of Ursula when she transformed into that dark-haired girl with Ariel’s voice!
Tenley should have picked up on this. Ahhhhh, ahhhhh, ahhhhhhhhhhh! Ahhhhh, ahhhhh, ahhhhhhhhhhh!

Tenley: I feel like I hurt his feelings.
Joshua: I feel like he might not remember.
Joshua for the win.

You are so stinkin’ funny!!! 🙂

Lincee

Why thank you chiromom! Those are some of my favs too!

Ann
Ann

Ahhhhhhh Ahhhhhh Ahhhhhhhhhhh! Haaaaa haaaaa haaaaaaa!

Lincee

SING!!! SING!!!

Sue
Sue

It was good to see Joe get booted off finally BUT I think Samantha is just as evil as Joe or worse! She is so manipulative and lies just flow off her lips so easily that it’s clear she’s used to lying. I couldn’t believe how sweaty everyone looks! Juelia’s face looks greasy and Carly always looks like a disheveled mess! Isn’t it funny that overtime someone lies they show a snake in the scene? So obvious! I think Ashley S is a superb actress and loves turning the joke on the producers. And Tenley, poor Tenley. One of the best girls they’ve ever had on this franchise in my opinion and she got burned so badly by Kiptyn that she’s clearly on the rebound….Tenley, you aren’t going to find quality in this franchise! And definitely not with Joshua.

Lincee

I think Samantha has shown her true colors and will probably need some major damage control for her business. But the guys will still love her.

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