Bachelor in Paradise recap: Return of the Black Modesty Box

Bachelor in Paradise Season 5, Episode 3

The main thing you should know about this Bachelor in Paradise episode is that everyone is playing musical partners. Just when you think a couple has reached the pinnacle of Jade and Tanner status, someone comes waltzing down the cobblestone steps to mix things up a bit.

This allows our peninsula dwellers to “explore” and “keep an open mind” so others may inquire where there head is at.

It’s also the episode of the Black Modesty Box. Wow. The production department really had to work overtime with Jenna rolling around on beach beds in compromising positions for the majority of the episode. I’ve never been so happy to see an opaque rectangle in all my life.

Let’s get down to business. When we last left Colton, he was in a pile of man tears, wishing Becca had never set foot on the BIP beach. Yet there she is, creeping into his hut like someone who has been paid an extra five grand and a week-long stay in an adjacent five-star Mexican resort.

It was a lot more dramatic than what I anticipated. All you need to know is that Colton felt the feels for Becca, but she gave him the freedom and closure he needed to move on. So he’s going to try once again to find love, or at least a romantic distraction, in Paradise.

Let the record show that he did sniff her hair when she hugged him good-bye.

Goose is of course baffled by this turn of events. Didn’t Colton just announce to the world that he was going home because he can’t handle the pressure? Now he’s strutting his beefcake self around the cabanas like he owns the joint? How is he supposed to explore and establish a legitimate connection with Tia with Mr. All-American hanging around cramping his style?

Meanwhile, Annaleise tells everyone who will listen that Jordan is fabulous and will make an amazing husband. He ticks all of her boxes and she is elated that she has finally found happiness.

This is what we call the “kiss of death.” As if on cue, Jenna enters Anna’s world and turns it completely upside down with her pink hair, effervescent personality, spiky fingernails, lack of bikini bottom, and ability to have deep conversations about the purpose of life.

Newsflash: She’s also an alien. But a nice, happy one, so don’t be afraid.

She makes a beeline for, you guessed it, Jordan and they have an immediate connection. Some call it love at first sight. She compliments his eyes. He tells her she is the girl version of him, which is code for: You are gorgeous.

Jenna speaks to a few more people, but ultimately chooses to invite Jordan on a super fun date right in front of everyone, including teary Annaleise. Bless it. The worst part is that everyone cheers when the newly coupled pair head out for their date and then they all discuss how perfect Jordan and Jenna are together.

Seriously. Bless it. Annaleise is RIGHT THERE. None of these jokers care and I find that heartbreaking. The closest anyone came to consoling her was Astrid telling the camera that Anna probably thinks this entire scenario sucks.

Never fear. Anna is going to hold on for one more day. She will not write Jordan off. He was just being polite with the promiscuous woman in the nude bikini who whisked him away to ride horses.

I’m surprised how much ABC got away with during this date. There was some serious necking, kissing, tongue action, and groaning going on. Not to mention all the black boxes. The somewhat positive moment that came out the date was when Jordan and Jenna returned and Jordan let Anna off the hook since his chemistry with Jenna was undeniable.

Well, he sort of let her off the hook. He did say that if Jenna doesn’t pick him, he will surely bestow his rose to Anna for being so cool to wait in the wings.

Yeah, she’ll probably get scalded hanging out on Jordan’s back burner, but at least she knows it’s halfway over. Jordan didn’t jerk her around like some jack wagons who wear Karate Kid headbands.

via GIPHY

While Jordan gushes about his make out sesh with his new flame, David swoops in and serves Jenna some birthday flan. Way to go ABC Intern! Flan is a tough dish to prepare!

Jordan makes his way over to the beach bed where David has made himself oh so comfortable by Jenna’s Black Modesty Box. He pees all over her so that David knows it’s time to hit the road. Although Jenna giggles at the pomp and circumstance of Jordan symbolically tossing David’s flan into the sand, Jenna makes it know that David is cute and funny.

Jordan: “He’s just mad that I matched with his mom on Tinder.”

Best burn ever. I’ll even ignore his Mr. Rogers rant that made zero sense because that line was golden.

Next to arrive is Caroline. Bless her insecure heart. I just want to gift her with a book about insecurity (digital version on sale for $2.99 for the month of August!) and brush her hair. She dorks out with Grocery Store Joe and forgets him when she has to go to the bathroom. She flat out ignores Colton, Jordan flat out ignores her because she has “step-mom vibes,” and she ends up asking Venmo to join her on a date.

This sends Anna into a tailspin because she had her eye on Venmo now that Jordan is permanently up Jenna’s butt. She also wanted to chat up Joe, but he’s with Kendall, and also Kenny, but he’s with Krystal and WHHHYYYYYYYYYY IS LIFE SOOOOO UNFAAIIIIRRRRRRRR?

Venmo does a great job moving the conversation along at dinner, yet he becomes visibly annoyed with Caroline when she can’t seem to stop naming all of the stray cats and dogs in Mexico. When Ven finally lands her attention, a mariachi band marches strolls down the road. They sway to the abrasive tunes of the trumpet and Venmo goes in for the kiss, because why not?

Caroline is officially blown away. There’s a definite spark. MAGIC if you will. An instant connection. She would be surprised if she didn’t get his rose.

What’s the opposite of foreshadowing?

Jubilee.

She comes in with a date card in hand and after being politely declined by the hunky Canadian firefighter, she asks Venmo to join her while Caroline is straight up snuggling in his arms. Caroline finds Jubilee’s timing incredibly awkward. Instead of getting mad, she takes to her bed and wallows in her insecurity.

Why I Hate Green Beans

Jubilee and Venmo zip line through the foliage and then eat dinner in a treehouse. She asks him several times what he does for a living (software development) and they bond over how she’s a nerd, too. He finally admits that he basically invented Venmo and she’s impressed. Not by his money, but by his brain.

Venmo digs Jubs.

Do you know who’s not digging her significant other? Krystal. After Kenny draws a heart in the sand, lines it with candles, and snags two strawberries from Wells’ margarita supplies, Krystal encourages him to explore other options and build opportunities with other people. Also, she will always have her back.

Welcome to the Friend Zone.

Sweet Kenny and Eric discuss some Pavlovian metaphor with rats and cheese and a maze for twenty minutes. I was confused. Eric thought it was deep, bro. To each his own.

Meanwhile, Tia is on cloud nine now that she has defined the relationship with the Goose. Even though she’s still unsure about who may come walking down the cobblestone steps at any minute, Goose tells her that he is in this to win this. He sees potential and he is going after what he wants.

Tia runs and tells all the girls that she is one date away from Janner status. By the week’s end, she will be Gia. Or Toose. Whatever. The point is that she is finally happy and in LOVE!

At the exact same time, Krystal eyes Goose and meanders over to his beach bed so they can continue the “refreshing” conversation they had earlier. Goose divulges that he is not in a relationship and has never kissed a blond. He wants Krystal to hold that title for him.

Oh, I get it. So when he told Tia he was in this to win this and saw potential in her and was going after what he wanted, the “her” was Krystal. He’s going after to the glitter bomb. This all makes perfect sense.

The next morning, Goose brags about the line he fed Krystal and laughs about how they made out all night long. The Canadian tells Colton who immediately tells Tia. Colton doesn’t want to see his former flame hurt. He also doesn’t want to see her with a chach like the Goose.

Jordan concocts an interesting game plan for the Goose. He suggests Goose have “appetizers” with Anna, Krystal as his “main dish,” and dessert with Bibiana. Then Tia is his late-night sobering moment.

“The Goose is ready to fly tonight.”

Yeah. I have a feeling he and something else are going to fly into the fan. Here comes Tia with an ominous, “We need to talk.”

Four women are going home after the rose ceremony. Who do you think stays? Will Goose give his rose to Krystal or Tia? Will Venmo give his rose to Caroline or Jubilee? Will David mess things up and give his rose to Jenna before Jordan has a chance?

Sound off in the comments section!

39
Comments

avatar
18 Comment threads
21 Thread replies
0 Followers
 
Most reacted comment
Hottest comment thread
34 Comment authors
HEIDICathyJulieOld ChristineShelley Recent comment authors
newest oldest
Joobee
Joobee

Honestly the rat and cheese discussion was probably the most hilarious part of last night, especially with the producers zooming in on faces for effect of which rat moves and which keeps doing the same thing. I was reasonably impressed that they knew about a Pavlovian study, and were able to discuss it under the influence.
Love the recap!

Monica
Monica

This was my absolute favorite part of the episode, too! I knew I loved Kenny and Eric for a reason…even though it was a random and hilarious conversation, I thought it was honestly pretty perceptive. These two have totally caught on to the games that happen in Paradise!

Cathy
Cathy

Not so random conversation. There’s a book called Who Moved My Cheese. They were definitely referring to it…so funny!

Kathy
Kathy

I literally laughed out loud when Jordan said “chicken” was mad because he Tinder matched with his mom! I’m not really enjoying this season, everyone is obviously in on it and no one is there to make a love connection. But I do enjoy the recaps!

Scooby Snaxx
Scooby Snaxx

Between last night’s and Monday night’s episode, at least twice someone in Paradise has said, “You can’t make this stuff up” about all of the drama going on. Except guess what? You totally CAN make this stuff up. Ahem, producers. Ahem, cast members wanting to be relevant to get followers on social media. I NEED to believe that Chris/Goose is not for real. Jordan may be a freak, but at least he knows it and embraces it. Chris seems to have no idea what a joke he is. Seriously, “The Goose”? Seeing anybody kiss that dude makes my stomach convulse.

Deebee

Agree and I think David is right up there re having no idea “what a joke he is.” Since the booze is now limited, I have no idea why any of these gals want to make out with Chris. I’m sure they all watched Becca’s season and saw how aggressive and belligerent he was! And then you’ve got a sweet guy like John that up until last night no gal showed any interest in him. I just don’t get it.

Kelli
Kelli

Oh, sweet Lord. I made the same comment about the modesty boxes. I laughed so hard at “I matched with his mom on Tinder” that I scared both Kevin and Lexi. This recap is so hilarious–much more so than the actual episode.

Kevin STILL hates Krystal (or her voice) because he threw himself on my face again last night when she was talking. Maybe he just wants to be MY version of the black modesty box.

Kate
Kate

For some weird reason I am really enjoying this season, probably because it is such a train wreck!

I love Jordan being so possessive of Jenna, and just basically waiting David out on the daybed. I’m annoyed that David is still “playing the part” of Jordan’s nemesis – he is cute and should have no problem getting one of the girls to like him, but he is following the producers’ push to go after Jenna. Didn’t he say something on MTA about wasting his time focusing on Jordan instead of Becca – he seems to be following the same playbook in paradise. Love the tinder comment!!!

Kenny is such a gentleman, and I wish he could find a nice girl – I knew that Krystal was not going to be into him, but at least she was upfront about it (loved the mouse/rat/cheese analogy!).

Poor Caroline – she is so cute but doesn’t seem to know what she is doing!

Tia – bless her heart: she just seems to keep picking guys who aren’t sincerely interested in her.

HEIDI
HEIDI

Kate – I feel the same way. I was laughing and enjoying myself WAY more on the first episode of BIP than I did during the entirety of Becca’s season. The only episode I got bored at was the Colton Tia drama episode this week. Then Tuesday night happened and I was LOL all night again. Jordan’s one-liners were amazing. The only thing I found despicable on his side was the conversation with Chris about matching each woman to part of a meal. Gross.

I wish well for Kenny too. I don’t know if he will find anyone this season though?

I did like that Colton got a more positive edit in Tuesday’s episode as well. I felt really bad for him and actually sort of protective on Monday night. Like seriously producers – give the guy a break and leave him alone. That Becca drama was not needed. I appreciated that he was straight forward with Tia (she just didn’t hear it) and then told her what Chris said. I don’t think he will actually date anyone this season of BIP but I hope he does feel better at the end.

Loved this recap! Tons of fun reading it and I will come here post episode from now on.

Also super excited for people to see Venmo John as a hot commodity! He seems so sweet and intelligent and I’m glad we get to see more of his personality FINALLY!

DonnaMarie
DonnaMarie

Poor poor Annaliese needs serious therapy. The mean girls don’t really even care about her and it’s painful to watch. Did you catch her comment to the camera that she and Jordan were the strongest couple so far (or something to that effect).

Sara
Sara

The Eric/Kenny bromance is the best thing about this season. The producers need to abandon the rest of the plot and just make it about them.

Kat K
Kat K

Chris is the ultimate chach. When he bragged to Jordon about his pick up line even he rolled his eyes- if Jordon thinks something is cheesy then yikes!

Liz
Liz

“Who Moved My Cheese” is a 1998 motivational business book.

MinnesotaNice
MinnesotaNice

And still completely relevant.
And has way more application than just business.

Trish
Trish

Gia or Toose! So funny!! The goose is the worst. This episode left me with the thoughts that there is just not enough of Wells, I need more of him, and I could watch a show just about Eric and Kenny, they are hilarious

Honey
Honey

Spot on, Trish. How about we skip the two hour show and just have ten minutes of Wells, Kenny and Eric and call it a day. I know I would get a lot more done.

Julie
Julie

I’d watch that! Heck, I’d watch if it were just Wells (and maybe Sarah, they’re adorable!)

Deb
Deb

Did anybody else think it was awful when Becca said “I’ll tell Garrett you said hi” when she left Colton? I thought it was in poor taste and I really have no idea why Becca showed up at all.

Kittenfish
Kittenfish

Especially since Colton didn’t say “hi”

Contrarian
Contrarian

With her alternating passive-aggressive baiting and general indifference to Colton’s feelings, Becca is definitely off my Christmas card list — if I still had one.

Tara
Tara

I am feeling about Becca the same way I was feeling about Rachel at the end of her season: yuck. That was extremely childish and rude (or just thoughtless?) of Becca.

HEIDI
HEIDI

I am not quite at the same level of dislike as I was for Rachel at the end of her season but I did think it was completely tasteless to talk to Colton. I am stumped at her with the Garrett instagram stuff but I like Becca. I really didn’t like Rachel anymore.

I know the producers paid her for the Mexico visit and she got a free trip etc but it was stupid and heartless and honestly I think that Colton deserved a lot better and needed someone to help protect his interests and not rub salt in his wounds. But that is the Bach producers.

Susan
Susan

She showed up because they paid her to bring more drama. I take back what I said yesterday about poor Colton. I felt so bad for him, crying like that. After a quick talk with Becca, he’s all good and ready to move on. All smiles now. Boy was I fooled. They are ALL just in it for the fame.
But I still love Wells!

KIm Z
KIm Z

Why was she there at all? She sits down with Tia in full view of the men, And proceeds to pretend to be admiring the resort but you can see she’s glancing over at the men/Colton. It felt like this was an “eat your heart out” moment. And between Tia ruining Colton’s chances with Becca on The Bachelorette, and now this, it just smacked of manipulation and I was hoping Colton would leave Paradise for good. Tia has done nothing to win over Colton other than scheme and manipulate. If he stays I hope they end up in the friend zone at best.

Kittenfish
Kittenfish

I’m so happy you are recapping BIP….I thought we just got the original recap since you were asked by EW. With spoilers I have really lost interest in the Bachelor/ette and didn’t even watch a full episode of Becca’s season. However, I LOVE the trainwreck that is BIP! Fantastic! I’m especially enjoying all the direct to camera looks that seem to be avoided normally.

Leigh
Leigh

Every time Jenna jerkily laughed with her tongue out and clapped, my husband said it looked like Jordan was on a date with a river otter.

Lexie

A river otter!!!! dying laughing

YANK
YANK

“So then Jordan pees all over her so that David knows it’s time to hit the road” ABSOLUTE GOLD, LINCEE

Joycie
Joycie

Can I be shallow and petty here?
Observations:
-What is the fuss about Tia? Not overly attractive, not in the greatest shape… Is it the southern charm?
-Goose ? ugh … hideous
-Jordan ? don’t get that either. My gay-dar goes off big time with him. Not that there is anything wrong with that but he is on a hetero dating show.
– Colton — YUM

Dancinghare
Dancinghare

I also think Jordan is gay. I like him on BIP, he’s hilarious.

Rosa
Rosa

I don’t get the fuss about Tia either! Although I didn’t see why everyone liked Jade on her season of BIP and yet she is married w/ children! Jade was at least more humble and sweet. Tia walks around like she owns the place and whoever the flavor of the day is! Caroline…. bless her heart! She is so awkward!! I don’t think she is that comfortable in front of the camera. Jordan is tv GOLD. I like him a lot more on BIP, even if he is metro.

Deebee

Must be the pheromones these gals give off. I’m sure a lot of us have come across this time and again where certain women who are “okay” have men falling all over them. 🙂

LJO
LJO

Agree about Colton (yum). I have to disagree in regards to Tia’s body, she looks great. The Goose needs to be set loose. These producers work HARD. haha!

KIm Z
KIm Z

Tia is cute when she smiles. She hasn’t done much of that this show however. I thought Jordan was gay too until I saw him with Jenna.