Bachelor in Paradise recap: All eggs, no basket

Bachelor in Paradise Recap: Season 5, Episode 4

There were four moments from last night’s show that made me so happy:

  1. Yuki called Daniel San Chris “Silly Goose,” instead of just plain ole goose. I couldn’t have been more pleased.
  2. Tia is concerned that she’s putting all of her eggs in Colton’s basket, yet he doesn’t even have a basket. Nothing could be more fabulous.
  3. Jordan dragging that giant stuffed dog through the sand tickled my funny bone. You can hear me cackle on my InstaStories. Thanks to my friend Stephanie for capturing the cackle.
  4. Bibiana lamenting that the new people who arrive on the island are fresh and clean, not reeking of sweat or “that smell you get from paradise.”

I think we can all guess what paradise smells like. Well, unless Chris Harrison is around. Who wouldn’t want to bathe in his lime and coconut-scented pheromones?

I’m off topic. On with the recap.

Tia’s requests a “come to Jesus” meeting with The Goose when Colton tattles reports that the dirty fowl was seen hooching it up with Krystal. This is when we, the audience, are gifted with seeing a manipulative master at work.

Tia: You looked me in the eye. You said you wanted to fight for me.
Goose: Why are you mad? Because I had a moment with Krystal?

Tia: YOU KISSED HER.
Goose: But that doesn’t change how I feel about you.

Tia: You’re just telling me things I want to hear.
Goose: I didn’t do anything wrong. I know what I want.

As if on cue, Krystal walks up, nodes in full force, with an annoying, “Hiiiiiiii guuyyyyssssss!” The Goose doesn’t flinch. He simply invites Krystal to sit at his feet so he can explain the mechanics of a love triangle and how he’s a stud for having two women essentially fight over him and his dumb bandana.

Cut the crap, Chris. We all know you’re hiding a big fat stress-induced zit under there.

Tia: He kissed you (Krystal) but said he has feelings for me earlier that day. I don’t want you (Krystal) to be hurt because he’s such a BLEEP.

The Goose dials it up a notch by throwing Colton in Tia’s face, claiming he didn’t know what she was doing with him the other night. The Goose also blames Tia for practically thrusting him into Krystal’s well-toned arms.

Tia: We didn’t do anything!
Goose: That’s not my business.

Suddenly, Krystal puts two and two together and realizes that she’s in a love square with these two jokers and the virgin. Moreover, she’s the bottom left corner, which everyone knows is the lamest of all corners. Color her a little bit confused and a lotta bit mad.

Tia stands up and both symbolically and physically removes herself from all geographical shapes. There will be no triangles. No squares. She’s done. She a linear stick figure with a top knot and boobs.

The Goose: That’s fine. I already made the decision.
Tia: Daaaaammmmnnnn dude.
Krystal: So you’re no longer exploring (vomit) with the Goose anymore?
Tia: Yep
The Goose: I was always pulling myself out of this. So long, Tia.

Krystal ignores all of the red flags and chooses to explore the spark she feels with this jack wagon of a man. But when he opts to drink one of Wells’ famous tequila shots instead of hanging out with her, she positions herself by the pool and cries invisible tears.

It’s Bibiana to the rescue! Our resident therapist reminds Krystal that she is no longer a villain. Remember when she cut things off with Kenny before sticking her tongue down the Goose’s throat? That’s respectful! She mustn’t get wrapped up in Tia’s confusion. Learn to separate yourself from the drama.

Bibs: Take some time to figure things out. Sage yourself. You are not a b!tch, Krystal. I am.

Takes one to not know one, right?

For the next twenty minutes, Tia talks to anyone with a pulse about her feelings for Colton. She likes how he’s honest with his indecisiveness and this makes her kinda wanna date him again even though they’ve never been on the same page throughout their relationship, which has been in existence for a grand total of ten days. Caroline encourages her to go after what she wants.

Do you know who else goes after what she wants? Jacqueline. The latest character to storm the beaches of paradise. You remember her, right? She’s the really smart one with shiny hair who just couldn’t make it work with Arie.

Naturally Jacqueline makes a beeline for Colton, which sends Tia into another emotional spiral of despair. She even threatens to throw herself into a boulder.

I might pay money to see her attempt that. And I’ll give her some money to take off that burgundy bikini she’s been wearing for two days in a row.

Crotch rot is real, y’all. Did she not read the safety tip sheet in her Paradise welcome packet?

Jacqueline puts it all out on the line and asks Colton to be her date. He turns her down, explaining that he can’t make the most of the date because he doesn’t want to see Tia get hurt, even though they are not a thing.

Awkward.

He heads to the women’s cabana with Wells’ salt shaker so he can rub it into Tia’s wounds. She’s flipping out that he would have the audacity to check on her before his spectacular date with Jacqueline.

Colt: I’m not going on the date. I said no to her. I wouldn’t hurt you like that.

Back and forth. Babble, babble, babble. He’s unsure. He doesn’t want to hurt her. She’s given up on the Goose, but she’s not secure in their relationship, which again, is ten days old. He hugs her. She pushes him away. He’s still wearing the flamenco shirt. She’s still wearing the burgundy bikini. We are all confused by what’s going on. Especially when Tia says she’s wearing her heart on her sleeve.

I guess by “sleeve” she means the triangle swatch over both boobs.

Well, Bibiana isn’t confused. She’s convinced Colton hearts Tia, otherwise, he would be out on a date with Jacqueline instead of Kenny. Tia agrees, but she also thinks someone else needs to remind him of that. Wink, wink.

Meanwhile, Jacqueline and Kenny charm each other by speaking Slovakian and casually tossing out Edgar Allan Poe references. He calls her “pretentious” and she laughs.

Not the reaction I would have expected from Jacqueline. I guess she’s intrigued that someone on the island knows enough to quote Poe’s work, let alone know who he is in the first place. That’s probably why she made out with him during the fireworks.

When Kenny returns, sweet little chocolate-covered Annaliese feeds him melted ice cream. Ten minutes later, he makes out with Bibiana because someone needs to secure a rose before the next ceremony. Bonus: He likes her big booty.

The Goose hits up Krystal, who is fixing her make up, and tells her he has a surprise. We don’t know if it was the roofie in her drink or his horrific holey pants. Regardless, he tells Krystal that she is an “unexpected crazy.”

It’s official. The guys on this show don’t know how to hand out a compliment.

Krystal is glad the Goose is super into her because there are so many reasons to pursue her. She likes cooking, investing in people, her IRA, and she can roll with the punches when forced into a love triangle. All the things!

That night at the cocktail party, Colton marches up to Tia to tell her that he is in this to win this. Thanks to Bibiana and her teary monologue recapping how he is a complete chach for not seeing that Tia is ENOUGH and how he’s a moron for waiting around for his person when she is right there. This is not complicated.

Colton basically says he can’t date anyone else while he’s in Paradise. And since he doesn’t want to leave Paradise, he will date her.

Tia: You’re picking me?
Lincee: Technically, he’s picking the beach and Wells’ famous margaritas, but since the music is swelling in a romantic way right now, I’ll let you think what you want Tia!

ROSE CEREMONY
Jordan arrives in a red ensemble that features a floral vest and matching pants. It also has a suit and tie with it, but he’s unwilling to sweat through those at the moment. Everyone thinks he looks silly, but Jenna thinks the plunging vest really brings out his chest hair. When Our Host Chris Harrison arrives looking all sorts of FINE in a grey suit with purple accents, he doesn’t even make contact with Jordan.

I appreciate how Our Host insists on remaining devastatingly handsome with all the chaos around him. You’re my hero, Harrison.

Jordan is unfazed by the snickers. He’s just interested in executing his best modeling poses for Jenna — the “most stacked girl in Paradise.” He drones on and on about how she’s the best kisser (with her “mmmm hmmmm” sounds) and her enthusiastic clap/laugh combo.

In other news:

Caroline, who is woefully uninteresting, tells Venmo that she thought of him the entire time he was with Jubilee on their date. Then she kisses him in the sand and surf. She’s pretty proud of herself for having the guts to approach him, but her wedding daydreams are dashed when she hears that Jubilee is currently lathering Venmo up with some tantalizing oil for an exotic massage.

Astrid checks out Beefcake Kevin’s sausage and then drinks beer out of a stein and speaks German.

Annaliese arranges for the ABC Intern to set up a wrestling mat and some Nacho Libre masks/capes so she and Kenny can fake fight and real make out.

Jacqueline worries about being “too old” at age twenty-seven for Kenny.

David gives Jenna a big dog (similar to the one Jordan gave Annaliese forever ago) for her birthday. Jordan stomps up to the beach bed, grabs the dog, drags it through the sand, and then chucks it into the ocean. Jenna tries to talk to him, but she can’t seem to get through thanks to the steam pouring from his ears.

When David shows up to defend his honor, Jordan flips out. For some reason, he attacks Cholivia and “I don’t know your name” (read: Jubilee). Krystal appreciates his passion until he tells the girl to shut the BLEEP up.

When Krystal tells the camera someone has crossed a line, you better believe that the line has been crossed.

Eric (yeah, he’s still on the island) and Anna try and talk some sense into Jordan. It’s hard to concentrate with all that flora and fauna vying for their attention, but they finally focus and get through to him. He’s a better person than this and needs to apologize.

So Jordan does apologize and all is sort of right with the world. He even gets to hand his rose to Jenna, who accepts with a giggle. David in turn gives his to Cholivia. Then all the couples hand roses to each other: Kevin/Astrid, Goose/Krystal, Grocery Store Joe/Kendall, Colton/Tia, and Eric/Disney Princess.

Venmo spends ten seconds staring at two women before deciding to give his rose to Jubilee instead of Caroline. And then Kenny spends ten seconds staring at three women before deciding to give his rose to Annaliese.

Jacqueline, Nysha, Caroline, and RA Bibana are out.

Next up? Leo enters Paradise and inserts himself directly between GS Joe and Kendall.

I don’t like where this is going…

41
Comments

avatar
19 Comment threads
22 Thread replies
0 Followers
 
Most reacted comment
Hottest comment thread
26 Comment authors
KristalannieDebbieDonnaMarieMollie A Recent comment authors
newest oldest
CDK
CDK

What in the world does anyone see in Goose? Physically, mentally or emotionally, I truly don’t get it.

delyla
delyla

There is NOTHING appealing about this a-hole!

mikey
mikey

Is it just me, or is anyone else starting to like Jordan?

CDK
CDK

It’s just you. LOL. Nah, I’m sure others are coming around too.

Molly
Molly

Ha! Me too! Jordan is hilarious! He knows his “part” and plays it perfectly!

Barbara
Barbara

Yes, I am… I find him to be hysterical!

delyla
delyla

He is hilarious but no one I would want to date or have any of my friends date.

Debbie
Debbie

YES!! Absolutely! The guy is hilarious! Great sense of humor. I’m wondering if he’s gotten a bad rap based on editing? The guy is seriously funny…

annie
annie

Not even a little bit, I think he’s childish and super annoying. I seem to be in the minority.

Kristal
Kristal

He is hilarious! Definitely a fave in our household!

Rosa
Rosa

Last night was the FUNNIEST episode! I too was LOL when Jordan walked up and snatched the dog and drug it to the ocean (without saying a word). I also loved when Bibi told Chris “I’m about to be mean but this (the whole Tia debacle) isn’t about you”. I’m going to miss her!!! She had the best commentary. The burgundy bikini is getting old, and I noticed last night it was daytime, then nighttime, then daytime again w/ the same clothes, then nighttime. I guess there was too much good stuff to worry about correct editing. And when they panned to Krystal in the interview/confessions chair after the whole love triangle/square conversation and she was holding that margarita up to her face – hilarious!! I love this cast except for I was sick of Colton & Tia 3 episodes ago.

Cassie
Cassie

Yes! The editing is all over the place. I understand they can only focus on a couple of plots (that play out at different times) but it’s clear so many things were said and transpired over more than one day yet it’s made to look like one day. Oh well…

Jennifer
Jennifer

The bikini was my first thought, her posture was my second. But, I like her. I pray its the editing to go from her talking about Goose and how amazing he is to saying the same about Colton. I agree, Colton sounded anything but assured when he spoke to her.. why are we the only ones who notice? And when did Kenny become the chosen one? On a side note.. the tongue out when she smiles should have its own twitter account… I don’t think its natural.. hmm, note to self.. must try that on my next date…

Babs
Babs

Kenny became the chosen one when a bunch of girls realized they were out the door unless they could get his rose. I assume David and Chelsey have an agreement to give each other the rose so they can stay unless they meet someone special.

Vicki G
Vicki G

Jordan … dude your outfit was beyond awesome … for a Ken doll. But oddly
enough you are growing on us. But a little anger management might be in your future if you can’t control it.

Head wrap Chris is blowing me away with his ego – why? I don’t get it.

Gonna miss Bibb she was so together thru this entire sweaty fiasco.

Rosa
Rosa

I think his anger is warranted based on what I’m seeing. David pushes his buttons every chance he gets!! Jordan just needs to punch him in the face one good time.

Kelli
Kelli

Jordan’s outfit was probably from Loudmouth Golf–the company that makes the Norwegian Curling Team’s Pants. I have a few pairs of shorts, pants and a skort–all in very loud patterns. He probably had it custom made–just a guess. But it DID look like a Ken doll outfit!!

OMG–did anyone else think they were back in junior high with all the side bar conversations about Tia and Colton that Tia and Colton were having with OTHER PEOPLE!!! Even Kevin was all “do you believe these chaches?”

I am definitely going to miss Bibiana–she was actually quite entertaining–assuming the Carly and Evan role as house parent.

Contrarian
Contrarian

100% agree re Bibiana. She was at times wise, vulgar, kind, and catty — and definitely entertaining. I wish her well.

I can’t remember whether they bring people back in the same season, but I didn’t get enough Jacqueline.

Rosa
Rosa

I couldn’t believe Tia basically told Bibiana to go talk to Colton for her!! Is she in 10th grade?

Contrarian
Contrarian

My favorite line was uttered off camera as the transition to a commercial break. I believe it was Tia, whispering to Colton, mid-kiss: “Use some tongue.” I swear this show must be scripted.

Debbie
Debbie

Yes! Hilarious…. I felt sort of bad for Colton, my first thought was “the poor virgin doesn’t even know how to kiss”… then I slapped myself (because I’m actually impressed with his position in today’s society) and decided maybe he still felt a tad in the ‘friend zone’ with Tia and wasn’t ready for tongue ??

Karen
Karen

Does anyone else think Colton might be gay ( not that there’s anything wrong with I)? Can’t commit to anyone and has to be told to use his

Karen
Karen

Tongue emoji didn’t post

mikey
mikey

Yes! My gay guy friend has assured me that’s the case.

Cassie
Cassie

I wondered the same thing. I feel sorry for him – he seems so confused by EVERYTHING in his life. It seems like everything he does is for someone or something else (whether it be his family/charity/ABC) the guy is gonna implode and I hope it ends with some healthy life perspective through counseling and not something tragic.

Ronni
Ronni

Yes! I thought that from the moment he proclaimed that the reason he is a virgin isn’t because of anything other than he hasn’t found his girl yet. Nothing at all wrong with being a virgin – but if he has no convictions keeping him from crossing that line – then I can only imagine its because hes just not that interested. Then with Tia’s “use some tongue” comment, I’ve pretty much become convinced. I feel sorry for him, he seems really conflicted about his feelings.

delyla
delyla

OMG – I thought that and wanted to post it several times but thought it might be considered off key to some. I thought it on Becca’s season. I figured the only reason he was there was for fame because he was screaming gay to me. Hopefully my statement doesn’t offend anyone. Not my intention.

Scooby Snaxx
Scooby Snaxx

I’m sorry, but I don’t think this is appropriate. It’s not that being gay is an insult, but to speculate on it like this just…I don’t know, it just doesn’t feel right or nice. There are so many reasons to be a virgin. There are so many reasons to not be sure about a relationship. You’re all just seeing moments that the show chooses for you to see. I’m not speculating on Colton’s sexuality. What I’m speculating on is to what degree he is the producers’ pawn and just following a storyline for the sake of the Bachelor franchise (and perhaps his own fame).

Cassie
Cassie

I agree it’s just a snap shot of who he is as a person and I’m sure there are all sort of motivations for him being on the show, external and internal. I know it’s not fair to speculate about someone’s sexuality so I’m sorry to have offended. I hope Colton figures things out and finds happiness. I do think there are small indicators of who a person really is on these shows though – just like how we saw Carolyn being insecure, Annalese being desperate and Chris just being a complete @$$. Not saying there are indications about sexuality, just that Colton doesn’t seem to really know who he is and what he wants. It’s not that he’s not confident… there’s just something more going on with him and I wonder how honest he’s being with himself about all kinds of things.

Old Christine
Old Christine

Cut the crap, Chris, indeed!
I wanted to use my taser on him. He is a piece of, well I can’t say what he is a piece of because I am a Sunday school teacher.

Kay
Kay

HAHAHAHAHA!! I read something earlier today where the author wanted to put Chris into a cannon and shoot him out into the ocean. I couldn’t agree more!!!

Kay
Kay

CHRIS IS HIDING A ZIT!!!! Oh my gosh……. that is THE ONLY logical reason for that dumb bandana, right? But then everything about him defies logic, sooooo………

Did anyone notice (I had to rewind AND put on captions) that Krystal’s cure to make herself feel better was to sage herself, and TO CRYSTAL herself??? I’m not really sure what that entails, but thankfully she wasn’t planning to KRYSTAL herself….I think that would be a step in the wrong direction!

Tia cry-begging (to herself in the little hut) “I just want him to choose me!” was such a sad moment for me, and well, for Tia, too! Ugh!! Rise above it, Tia!!

When Jacqueline was on her date with Kenny and she was commenting how NICE it was to get away from the chaos and be an ADULT…..reason #5873 why I love Jacqueline!

Hot-Head Jordan is definitely entertaining, and I loved the Giant-Dog-Drag out to the ocean, but telling a girl she’s the most-stacked in Paradise….ew…..although I’m thinking Jenna probably appreciated that “compliment.”

Lincee, your comments are so hilarious, I seriously wish we had a Bachelor Pop-Up Video version with your thought bubbles in real time! LOLOLOLOL!

Lorenzo
Lorenzo

Hilarious.. and did you hide behind pillow during the sausage scene?

Sara
Sara

I actually felt a little bad for Jordan. Being needled over and over by the same person has to be wearing. He was due for a blow up.

Seriously over Colton and Tia and I hope that the focus will be off of them a bit, now that they’re “committed.” Tia saying that if Colton left, they’d have no chance for a relationship…. Oy… I’m pretty sure you can just DM him on Insta, girl.

Deebee

Hilarious recap Lincee and I kept thinking too that Tia has been wearing her burgundy bikini way too long. Also the Goose roofie/holey pants reference is priceless.
Too bad Bibiana spent most of her time acting as “resident therapist” instead of trying to connect with someone…………anyone!

Kristy McDaniel
Kristy McDaniel

Best part was watching that Cobra Kai wannabe trying to convince Tia that’s he’s not an oozing tool and having her call him out on every distraction he tried to throw at her. I almost liked her for a moment. Alas, her moment of glory evaporated almost immediately and she went right back to being her pathetic shlumpy self.

Cassie
Cassie

“I guess by “sleeve” she means the triangle swatch over both boobs.” HAHA! Loved this recap!