Bachelor in Paradise: Season 5, Episode 5

Krystal understands that there’s a lot of drama and a lot of musical chairs in Paradise — both literally and figuratively. And because she is a decent, non-b!tch of a person (as Bibiana so eloquently pointed out last episode), she is sweet enough to sage and smudge the ridiculousness and bad juju from the women’s hut, as well as the women themselves. And she does this while balancing a crystal between her cleavage.

They are women. Hear them roar. And what do the women want? MORE MEN!

As if by magic, a strapping tall gentleman with coiled follicles and jaunty pineapple shirt (clearly, and IHGB shout-out) moseys down the cobblestone path into the hearts and nether regions of all the women nursing morning hangovers. His name is Leo and the ladies are smitten with a capital S.

They like him because he’s confident, he’s chiseled, he’s strong, and he looks like Fabio from the Harlequin romance novels your mom used to read. Kendall waves her tiny little arm, scoots out of the booth around Grocery Store Joe, and flings herself into his rock-hard abs. One might think from the enthusiasm that Kendall and Leo are long-lost friends.

One might be wrong.

Leo slowly makes the rounds from woman to woman. He starts with Jenna. The tip of her tongue remains permeantly on display between her teeth as he compliments her for “learning how to love herself” and commemorating the occasion with a giant back tattoo that she will never see.

Next up is Krystal. She’s embarrassed that she’s wearing a bathing suit bottom that must be covered up by a huge black modesty box, yet she chooses to have a serious “getting to know you” conversation with Leo with her butt in full bloom, presenting herself like a baboon. He can’t help but notice her derriere and she giggles, letting it slide that she’s a fitness coach.

Then, because the producers over at ABC love me and want me to be thoroughly entertained, Cholivia walks up and STEALS Leo like she’s back on a regular season of The Bachelor. YES! In a bold move, she confesses to Leo’s face that he makes her melt and crumble. He returns the sentiment by tossing her a token “you’re beautiful.”

But Kendall is the beach dweller Leo has his eye on and he wants her to know that he’s cool with the fact that she kills animals for a living.

Strike that. She stuffs them for fun. Big difference.

They bond about both living in Hollywood. She tells him how nice everyone is and never once mentions the fact that she is “seeing” or “exploring” with Grocery Store Joe. Later, he asks her out in front of everyone and she accepts. She immediately checks on her former boyfriend from two minutes ago and asks how he’s doing with this new development.

Joe: Alright. But I wouldn’t have gone out on a date.
Kendall: It’s early on. It would be detrimental not to accept a date from someone else. It’s nice to explore.

Joe instructs her to have a terrible time and then goes in for a kiss, only Kendall treated it like a hug and all the awkwardness spilled out onto the sandy floor. I stuffed my head in my shirt.

Kendall and Leo head to the old bartender Jorge’s tricked out cabana for their date. It seems Jorge is not only a photographer now, but he’s added “author” to his Tourges business. You see, he’s written a love story because his biggest wish is to be more like Chris Harrison and he needs two paradisers to pose for the cover.

For the next fifteen minutes, he tells an elaborate story about Raul and Margarita. These characters are played by none other than our very own Arie (as a cowboy) and his soon-to-be bride Lauren. Ben Higgins (in a mariachi outfit) is with Amanda who may or may not be a social media influencer by now. I can’t tell if they were purposefully trying to be a bad version of a telenovela or if they are just that bad.

Whatever the case may be, Leo and Kendall are posing as one of these two couples and I’m too bored to figure out what’s going on.

Leo easily fits into the Fabio mold. Wardrobe gives him a pair of jeans and no shirt and sends him off to the beach. Kendall gets a teeny tiny ice blue bikini with matching black modesty box and wriggles into his arms and smooshes her lips against his. Then the kiss gets real. Jorge snaps pictures until it’s too weird even for him. Kendall and Leo are making out like it’s their jobs.

After a day of snogging for the sake of a romance novel cover that isn’t ever going to see the light of day, Kendall and Leo return with wet, sandy hair and swollen lips. Kendall admits to Grocery Store Joe that she had a great time and that she did indeed kiss Leo.

Because that’s what Paradise is all about.

Kendall breaks down to Astrid, admitting that she has feelings for Joe, but she’s curious about Leo. She’s on the brink of tears. It’s at this moment that I am disappointed in Kendall because of all the jokers on this beach, she was the least damaged of them all. I guess the booze, sun, stress, and lack of sleep has finally hit her where it counts – her brain cells.

Joe confides in Jordan that he doesn’t like what’s happening with Leo. Jordan slays with the one liners and Joe ends up in a fit of giggles which may have been my favorite thing EVER. I think Joe treats Jordan like his own personal podcast or STARZ channel. He’s been stuck on this beach, without a date, for two weeks. No television, no electronics, no books, no news. You can only watch Wells slice and dice lime wedges for so long.

I think Joe is about to crack.

Meanwhile, Leo sidles up next to Choliva and mentions something about getting caught in the rain. That’s code for, “Let’s get out of here.” Two minutes in, he’s mugging down with Cholivia in the hot tub.

Like no one will see. THE JUNGLE HAS EYES, LEO. Rookie mistake.

Jordan: Leo is tasting all the porridge. He’s no Goldilocks. He has brown hair.

I get it. Jordan is a chach. But he’s dang funny. Virtual high five for that line!

The next morning, after Leo fondles Kendall’s hands in front of Grocery Store Joe and the rest of the cast, Kenny announces that he has a date card. And it’s for Colton, who immediately asks Tia to go on a date with him.

THIS IS SO ANNOYING.

Not only have they already been on a date, but for the love of all things Chris Harrison, NO ONE CARES ANYMORE. The producers insist on creating drama where there is no drama. And they bring in Adam and Raven to poke the bear.

Speaking of poking, Raven tells us this is where she had her first orgasm.

PINEAPPLE. ALL THE PINEAPPLE IN THE LAND.

After a dumb game of musical chairs, courtesy of Jorge’s Tourges, Raven takes Tia and warns her again that Colton needs to make sure his intentions are known. She does not trust him. And if he hurts her fellow Arkansawian (not a word), Raven will chop off his peen.

Tia nods her head and walks over to Colton. She escorts him to a bench and as the bells toll, she asks him one more time if he is in this for her. He answers yes. Then she makes him ask her to be his girlfriend like they are in sixth grade. He obliges because home slice wants to stay in Paradise and Tia is the ticket.

Are we done with this storyline now? Let’s move on!

Benoit shows up next in cuffed jorts. Bless him. If you didn’t watch Bachelor Winter Games, you have no idea who this joker is, yet all you need to know is that he was engaged to Clare five seconds ago. Clearly he’s in the right frame of mind to be looking for love.

After speaking to the hunky fireman, Benoit learns Tia and Astrid are off the market. Everyone else is fair game. He heads for Krystal because all men are drawn to her naked hindquarters like a beach bum to a fresh margarita. Then he moves on to Jenna who, lo and behold, is looking for the exact same qualities in a girl that she’s looking for in a guy.

No way.

He asks her out on a date and just like that, Jordan is in the same boat with Grocery Store Joe. They drink their troubles away in matching tanks.

Jenna dresses in a black jumpsuit, complete with top knot and red, red lipstick. She melts when Benoit speaks to her in French and giggles when he says he can go deep. When it starts to rain, Ben goes in for the kill with a sultry kiss that results in half of Jenna’s lipstick smeared all over his face.

Then they share a churro, Lady and the Tramp style. This action alone has ruined churros for me forever. Thanks Bachelor in Paradise.

For some reason, Jenna picks up Benoit and carries him down the street, while Jordan claims his new arch nemesis is nothing but a Millennial Napoleon. He decides to let bygones be bygones and vows to win Jenna’s affections back by drawing a huge ‘I’m SORRY” in the sand.

Jenna’s not impressed, but pretends to be because unlike everyone else on this show, the girl thrives in a love triangle. She has a great connection with Benoit and wants Jordan to know that she’s watching him. Jordan understands, kisses her on the forehead, and basically says he’s in this to win this.

Jordan giggles with her tongue between her teeth. Bless.