Bachelor in Paradise Season 5, Episode 6

I don’t know about you, but I find this season of Bachelor in Paradise ridiculously entertaining. Sure there are moments when I itch for the fast forward button on the remote, yet I do not indulge since I am a professional and many of you reading these words depend on my recap so you don’t have to watch one hundred and twenty minutes of people spiraling out of control.

But there are also times when I lean forward and applaud young blond taxidermists who manage to remain in complete control when going head-to-head with obnoxious jack wagons.

For viewers who may have not followed along in the last five episodes, the ABC producers offer a visual cheat sheet of the two rockiest relationships in Paradise.

Jenna / Jordan / Benoit
Jordan continues to strut around the beach, vowing that he and Jenna are in a good spot. Yes, he threw her stuffed dog in the sea and yes, he was rude to a few girls, but they have something special, even if she did go on a romantic date with Benoit the Frenchman. Ironically, as Jordan touts these facts, Benoit is currently showing Jenna just how French he is while the Wilhelmina model is just feet away.

Krystal / The Goose
These two crazies spend their days spooning on a huge inflatable donut on the beach. He tells her how good her butt looks and she tells him that she spent two months perfecting it. He tells her he is one hundred percent, wants to get married, and the girl he finally commits to (lucky her) will be the girl he’s with forever. This, combined with the crystals around her neck, makes Krystal glow.

The Goose says he and Krystal are the strongest couple on the beach, which is ludicrous. Everyone knows the strongest couple is the couple who day sleeps. That award goes directly to Tia, and is thereby awarded to Colton by default.

Duh.

As if on cue, Connor joins Paradise right after the “strongest couple” declaration and makes a beeline for Krystal, who he always wanted to meet. Guess what? Connor is her type. The good news is Connor toned down the Jimmy Neutron hair. The boring news is that The Goose doesn’t see Connor as a threat, since there’s no way anyone could come in and catch up to what he and Krystal have built. You know, in the three days they’ve known each other.

The girls are all a twitter, yet no one could Tweet since their phones had been confiscated. Jenna claims that Connor is a GREEK GOD and she would totally sign up for that. She said this right in front of Jordan and Benoit. I laughed.

Meanwhile, Connor chats up Krystal.

Connor: How’s it going?
Krystal: [Giggle, giggle] Well, my butt is great. Have you noticed it yet? Or did the black modesty box prevent you from properly appreciating the string that is currently wedged up in there?

Connor: It’s nice. What have you been doing today?
Lincee: Making out with your friend.
Krystal: Drinking.

Connor goes for broke and asks Krystal if she’s been on a date. In a surprise turn of events, Krystal admits that she is smitten with The Goose and doesn’t want to be selfish with the date card. Connor politely thanks her and runs to Krystal’s biggest competition, Jenna.

Krystal asks The Goose to chat. They sit down, she swings her legs into his lap, and then she stares at him with a come hither look on her face. He obviously thinks she’s about to tell him that she’s going out with Connor and he is dumbfounded when she explains that she told Connor to chat up other girls.

The Goose kisses her with all the tongue in the world. Benoit would be slightly proud and equally mortified. They hop up to join the others. The Goose heads down to the bar to gloat. Krystal heads to Bibiana’s replacement as resident beach therapist — Eric.

Krystal: Connor was the only guy I really wanted to meet in Paradise. I just turned him down.
Eric: Well, you messed that up.

Nice.

Suddenly, Connor heads back to Krystal to give it another go. He reminds her that she admitted she was interested in HIM and bless it, he is finally here. Krystal owes it to herself to give it a go.

Connor: I want to take you on this date.
Krystal: As long as you know where I stand with The Goose, I’ll go.

Because the producers love me so much, this is the exact moment The Goose brags about his relationship with Krystal to all the guys and then falls out of a hammock when he sees Connor and his girl cozied up beside each other.

To quote Jordan, it looks like The Goose is a toss up kinda guy. Welcome to another love triangle, Karate Kid.

Krystal saunters over to The Goose, asks to speak to him again, then tells him that she is indeed going on a date with Connor. But never fear, Connor knows where her head is at (above her neck) and she’s really excited to explore things with him.

Krystal: Can we talk when I get back?
Goose: If I’m up.
Lincee: Insert vomit emoji here.

Connor picks up Krystal wearing shorty shorts that remind me of Ed and Mr. Brady.

Krystal wears a bikini top with denim panties. She’s excited to learn what the date card meant when it read “mystical adventure.”

Well I’m here to tell you that it means you will be buried alive in a sandy grave.

Good night, nurse. I would have bolted right then and there. Adios, amigos. Who cares about finding love? Give me a blank canvas and lots of paint and make me roll around on it with a stranger in the middle of a crowded park. I’ll do anything pineapple-worthy. Yoga with that weird lady, eating bugs, whatever! But do NOT stick me in a hole in the ground and tell me to free my mind. No thank you.

Krystal LOVED this date and welcomed her inner spirit animal with open arms. She also welcomed Connor with an open mouth. They headed to the beach to explore each other like Ben the Wine Guy did with Courtney. Namaste.

Back at the cabanas, Jordan desperately tells Jenna that what they have is magnetic. It was love at first sight. He knows this is love, because he’s never felt anything like this before. Jenna agrees and trudges off to break the news to Benoit. He barely listens to her when she promises to never kiss another person until she figures out what her heart wants. Benoit leans in and gives her another sampling of how they make out in Canada.

Of course Jordan sees it and eventually asks for a private audience with Benoit by the hot tub. Jordan’s case? Jenna’s words do not match her actions. He lets Benoit know that he is not backing down. Benoit steals Jordan’s water in retaliation.

BURN.

The scene switches to the most random couple of them all: Annaliese and Kenny. Just when you think she’s not down for the count, Kenny decides to go home so he can be with his daughter and see her in a dance recital that he unequivocally knew about before he stepped foot on the airplane that would take him to Paradise. Details.

Poor Anna is crushed. Life is unfair. Not only did she not find love, but ABC insists on airing footage of Anna blowing her nose at every heartbreak, which is always.

I thought Anna should have left with Kenny. That way, they could have had a conversation on the plane, which would have been more time they spent together than in Paradise. Alas, she stayed so she could cry salty tears into the salty ocean.

Newsflash: As if this was throwaway information, Astrid lets us know that Jubilee went home, too. WHAT? That’s right, she and Venmo had the DTR talk and the billionaire placed Jubs right in the middle of his Friend Zone. She peaced out shortly after.

The next morning, Kamil (the 60/40 guy from Becca’s season) arrives with the moniker “ex-social media expert.” Lovely. Anna doesn’t care. She’s all, “Kenny, who?”

I’ve got two words for you: Boy. Crazy.

Anna tells Kamil that she would go on his date in a heartbeat. And he takes her up on it. For some reason, she chooses to wear a high waisted denim brief panty. It’s the mom denim panty, if you will.

Lo and behold, the bumper car trauma girl has no problem careening down a steep, wooden bridge in a dune buggy. Or jumping off a cliff of rocks into a shallow river.

This must be love.

Now here’s the weirdo part of the episode. Kevin tries to sabotage his relationship with Astrid by encouraging her to go on dates with other men. He feels bad that no other guys consider her when they arrive on the beach because she’s his woman. This sounds fishy to me. Astrid agrees. She says nothing and hops up off the beach bed and leaves. Hopefully to get some nachos with a big side of guacamole.

Kevin explains himself later. He’s been broken by the Bachelor system not once, but twice. And both times he thought he was on the brink of his own love story, only to be dashed by the women who promised him always and forever. Astrid is perfect. He’s waiting for the other shoe to drop. Astrid’s face falls. She doesn’t want either of them to screw things up. The Canadian leans in for a kiss and promises to stick it oot.

I don’t know about Kevin. At first I thought he was punking out by encouraging Astrid to branch out because he wanted to branch out. But when he nudges Jordan to swoop in on Jenna after Benoit leaves her side, I found myself smiling.

I like Kevin. Do you know who else I like? Jenna and Jordan together. I accept this crazy.

Jordan lays it all out on the table. He tells Jenna he will fight for her. He’s looking for someone to genuinely love and eventually marry. If she’s not it, he’s packing his bags. He wants to know if Benoit brings out the best Jenna has to offer. If he does, that’s great. Jordan wants Jenna to call him when things down work out.

HA!!!

Jenna tries to laugh it off and be cheeky, but in her talking head interview, she lets it slip that Benoit is the logical choice, but Jordan gets her on a level that can destroy her.

So there’s Jenna, trudging back to Benoit, AGAIN, to tell him this is over. Jenna lets him down as easy as she can. Benoit processes the breakup by throwing the football into the ocean. When it comes back to shore, he throws it once more, as well as a third time.

I’m not sure Benoit knows how the tide works.

And now for the pièce de résistance. The triangle that was destined to end as a straight line, or just a dot. Leo, Kendall, and Grocery Store Joe.

Kendall likes to laugh and be silly with Joe. She likes the way she feels in Leo’s big strong arms. What’s a girl to do? Well, when you can’t find Eric for a quick beach bed therapy session, you talk to the patriarch of the beach. That would be Kevin.

Kendall launches into a “what should I do?” monologue. Kevin notices that she’s leaving out one very important detail that should factor into her decision-making process.

Kendall: Leo is great! I find myself craving him.
Lincee: Gross.
Kevin: Well, he shouldn’t have kissed Chelsea, too.

Sweet, lovely Kendall had no idea that her stuntman slipped Chelsea a little something he learned from Benoit’s homeland. Kendall’s face reacts and Kevin immediately knows that his friend had no idea. He stammers, blaming “the girls.” He thought one of them would have told her by now!

This makes it even worse for Kendall. She slowly realizes that she’s the only one who didn’t know that Leo was a player.

If I understand Kendall’s personality, and I think I do, I’m sure she took several moments, maybe even hours, to collect herself before approaching Leo. She confronts him and wonders why he didn’t tell her about Chelsea?

Leo: We were just hanging out. It’s no big deal.
Kendall: Hanging out is not making out.
Lincee: Truth.

Kendall: Why weren’t you transparent? Did you feel guilty? Because all of this behavior points to signs of a cheater.
Lincee: Kendall is my favorite contestant EVER.

Kendall: I hate that this is how we are beginning.
Leo: It’s fine. I’m into you.
Kendall: I don’t believe you because now we have established a distrust. There are red flags.
Leo: Kissing is a handshake in Paradise.
Lincee: GET HIM, KENDALL!

Unfortunately, Kendall can’t get him because Leo insists on being a complete chach by finding the rat who tattled on him. He makes a fool of himself in the pool by making a big scene. Everyone is over it.

The next day, Kevin approaches Leo at the bar and tells him that he was the one who told Kendall about Chelsea. He explains that it was a mistake because he assumed she already knew, since everyone else did. Let the record show I believe him. Let the record show that Leo does not.

HOWEVER, Kevin goes to bat for Kendall, claiming that she should have all the facts before making a decision between two guys. Leo shouts that he was going to tell Kendall eventually. Kevin doesn’t believe him. Chelsea asks Wells and Yuki if she should step in since this drama is because she swapped spit with the big guy. He wisely tells her to sip her margarita in silence and watch the show, as Yuki smiles.

Leo gets in Kevin’s face. Kevin holds it together, but later tells the viewers that Canadians are polite, reasonable, but you can not push them around.

That night before the rose ceremony, Leo tells Kendall that she should have given him a head’s up that she wanted to be exclusive. He is “hurt.” He’s been attacked all day long because of something she did.

Kendall manages to muster every once of grace in her being and doesn’t punch him in the jugular. The only thing that matters is that they both felt vulnerable and hurt.

Leo: Great Kendall. I hope you find love in Paradise. (eye roll)
Kendall: I don’t appreciate you being condescending to me right now.
Lincee: KENDALL FOR PRESIDENT!

Leo goes on to tell Kendall that he’s disappointed she was faking their connection. Then he applauds her for being the best thing since ouchless hair ties. He scrambles to find the right words to argue out of this hole he’s dug, but Kendall matches him with every tactic he throws out. She’s doing a great job of keeping it together, but her exterior is cracking.

That’s when Joe shows up.

“Are you done here?”

AND SCENE!

Who’s ready for the fight tonight? And who’s ready for Leo to go home on the first flight out of Mexico?