Bachelor in Paradise recap: Kendall is my homegirl

Bachelor in Paradise Season 5, Episode 6

I don’t know about you, but I find this season of Bachelor in Paradise ridiculously entertaining. Sure there are moments when I itch for the fast forward button on the remote, yet I do not indulge since I am a professional and many of you reading these words depend on my recap so you don’t have to watch one hundred and twenty minutes of people spiraling out of control.

But there are also times when I lean forward and applaud young blond taxidermists who manage to remain in complete control when going head-to-head with obnoxious jack wagons.

For viewers who may have not followed along in the last five episodes, the ABC producers offer a visual cheat sheet of the two rockiest relationships in Paradise.

Jenna / Jordan / Benoit
Jordan continues to strut around the beach, vowing that he and Jenna are in a good spot. Yes, he threw her stuffed dog in the sea and yes, he was rude to a few girls, but they have something special, even if she did go on a romantic date with Benoit the Frenchman. Ironically, as Jordan touts these facts, Benoit is currently showing Jenna just how French he is while the Wilhelmina model is just feet away.

Krystal / The Goose
These two crazies spend their days spooning on a huge inflatable donut on the beach. He tells her how good her butt looks and she tells him that she spent two months perfecting it. He tells her he is one hundred percent, wants to get married, and the girl he finally commits to (lucky her) will be the girl he’s with forever. This, combined with the crystals around her neck, makes Krystal glow.

The Goose says he and Krystal are the strongest couple on the beach, which is ludicrous. Everyone knows the strongest couple is the couple who day sleeps. That award goes directly to Tia, and is thereby awarded to Colton by default.

Duh.

As if on cue, Connor joins Paradise right after the “strongest couple” declaration and makes a beeline for Krystal, who he always wanted to meet. Guess what? Connor is her type. The good news is Connor toned down the Jimmy Neutron hair. The boring news is that The Goose doesn’t see Connor as a threat, since there’s no way anyone could come in and catch up to what he and Krystal have built. You know, in the three days they’ve known each other.

The girls are all a twitter, yet no one could Tweet since their phones had been confiscated. Jenna claims that Connor is a GREEK GOD and she would totally sign up for that. She said this right in front of Jordan and Benoit. I laughed.

Meanwhile, Connor chats up Krystal.

Connor: How’s it going?
Krystal: [Giggle, giggle] Well, my butt is great. Have you noticed it yet? Or did the black modesty box prevent you from properly appreciating the string that is currently wedged up in there?

Connor: It’s nice. What have you been doing today?
Lincee: Making out with your friend.
Krystal: Drinking.

Connor goes for broke and asks Krystal if she’s been on a date. In a surprise turn of events, Krystal admits that she is smitten with The Goose and doesn’t want to be selfish with the date card. Connor politely thanks her and runs to Krystal’s biggest competition, Jenna.

Krystal asks The Goose to chat. They sit down, she swings her legs into his lap, and then she stares at him with a come hither look on her face. He obviously thinks she’s about to tell him that she’s going out with Connor and he is dumbfounded when she explains that she told Connor to chat up other girls.

The Goose kisses her with all the tongue in the world. Benoit would be slightly proud and equally mortified. They hop up to join the others. The Goose heads down to the bar to gloat. Krystal heads to Bibiana’s replacement as resident beach therapist — Eric.

Krystal: Connor was the only guy I really wanted to meet in Paradise. I just turned him down.
Eric: Well, you messed that up.

Nice.

Suddenly, Connor heads back to Krystal to give it another go. He reminds her that she admitted she was interested in HIM and bless it, he is finally here. Krystal owes it to herself to give it a go.

Connor: I want to take you on this date.
Krystal: As long as you know where I stand with The Goose, I’ll go.

Because the producers love me so much, this is the exact moment The Goose brags about his relationship with Krystal to all the guys and then falls out of a hammock when he sees Connor and his girl cozied up beside each other.

To quote Jordan, it looks like The Goose is a toss up kinda guy. Welcome to another love triangle, Karate Kid.

Krystal saunters over to The Goose, asks to speak to him again, then tells him that she is indeed going on a date with Connor. But never fear, Connor knows where her head is at (above her neck) and she’s really excited to explore things with him.

Krystal: Can we talk when I get back?
Goose: If I’m up.
Lincee: Insert vomit emoji here.

Connor picks up Krystal wearing shorty shorts that remind me of Ed and Mr. Brady.

Krystal wears a bikini top with denim panties. She’s excited to learn what the date card meant when it read “mystical adventure.”

Well I’m here to tell you that it means you will be buried alive in a sandy grave.

Good night, nurse. I would have bolted right then and there. Adios, amigos. Who cares about finding love? Give me a blank canvas and lots of paint and make me roll around on it with a stranger in the middle of a crowded park. I’ll do anything pineapple-worthy. Yoga with that weird lady, eating bugs, whatever! But do NOT stick me in a hole in the ground and tell me to free my mind. No thank you.

Krystal LOVED this date and welcomed her inner spirit animal with open arms. She also welcomed Connor with an open mouth. They headed to the beach to explore each other like Ben the Wine Guy did with Courtney. Namaste.

Back at the cabanas, Jordan desperately tells Jenna that what they have is magnetic. It was love at first sight. He knows this is love, because he’s never felt anything like this before. Jenna agrees and trudges off to break the news to Benoit. He barely listens to her when she promises to never kiss another person until she figures out what her heart wants. Benoit leans in and gives her another sampling of how they make out in Canada.

Of course Jordan sees it and eventually asks for a private audience with Benoit by the hot tub. Jordan’s case? Jenna’s words do not match her actions. He lets Benoit know that he is not backing down. Benoit steals Jordan’s water in retaliation.

BURN.

The scene switches to the most random couple of them all: Annaliese and Kenny. Just when you think she’s not down for the count, Kenny decides to go home so he can be with his daughter and see her in a dance recital that he unequivocally knew about before he stepped foot on the airplane that would take him to Paradise. Details.

Poor Anna is crushed. Life is unfair. Not only did she not find love, but ABC insists on airing footage of Anna blowing her nose at every heartbreak, which is always.

I thought Anna should have left with Kenny. That way, they could have had a conversation on the plane, which would have been more time they spent together than in Paradise. Alas, she stayed so she could cry salty tears into the salty ocean.

Newsflash: As if this was throwaway information, Astrid lets us know that Jubilee went home, too. WHAT? That’s right, she and Venmo had the DTR talk and the billionaire placed Jubs right in the middle of his Friend Zone. She peaced out shortly after.

The next morning, Kamil (the 60/40 guy from Becca’s season) arrives with the moniker “ex-social media expert.” Lovely. Anna doesn’t care. She’s all, “Kenny, who?”

I’ve got two words for you: Boy. Crazy.

Anna tells Kamil that she would go on his date in a heartbeat. And he takes her up on it. For some reason, she chooses to wear a high waisted denim brief panty. It’s the mom denim panty, if you will.

Lo and behold, the bumper car trauma girl has no problem careening down a steep, wooden bridge in a dune buggy. Or jumping off a cliff of rocks into a shallow river.

This must be love.

Now here’s the weirdo part of the episode. Kevin tries to sabotage his relationship with Astrid by encouraging her to go on dates with other men. He feels bad that no other guys consider her when they arrive on the beach because she’s his woman. This sounds fishy to me. Astrid agrees. She says nothing and hops up off the beach bed and leaves. Hopefully to get some nachos with a big side of guacamole.

Kevin explains himself later. He’s been broken by the Bachelor system not once, but twice. And both times he thought he was on the brink of his own love story, only to be dashed by the women who promised him always and forever. Astrid is perfect. He’s waiting for the other shoe to drop. Astrid’s face falls. She doesn’t want either of them to screw things up. The Canadian leans in for a kiss and promises to stick it oot.

I don’t know about Kevin. At first I thought he was punking out by encouraging Astrid to branch out because he wanted to branch out. But when he nudges Jordan to swoop in on Jenna after Benoit leaves her side, I found myself smiling.

I like Kevin. Do you know who else I like? Jenna and Jordan together. I accept this crazy.

Jordan lays it all out on the table. He tells Jenna he will fight for her. He’s looking for someone to genuinely love and eventually marry. If she’s not it, he’s packing his bags. He wants to know if Benoit brings out the best Jenna has to offer. If he does, that’s great. Jordan wants Jenna to call him when things down work out.

HA!!!

Jenna tries to laugh it off and be cheeky, but in her talking head interview, she lets it slip that Benoit is the logical choice, but Jordan gets her on a level that can destroy her.

So there’s Jenna, trudging back to Benoit, AGAIN, to tell him this is over. Jenna lets him down as easy as she can. Benoit processes the breakup by throwing the football into the ocean. When it comes back to shore, he throws it once more, as well as a third time.

I’m not sure Benoit knows how the tide works.

And now for the pièce de résistance. The triangle that was destined to end as a straight line, or just a dot. Leo, Kendall, and Grocery Store Joe.

Kendall likes to laugh and be silly with Joe. She likes the way she feels in Leo’s big strong arms. What’s a girl to do? Well, when you can’t find Eric for a quick beach bed therapy session, you talk to the patriarch of the beach. That would be Kevin.

Kendall launches into a “what should I do?” monologue. Kevin notices that she’s leaving out one very important detail that should factor into her decision-making process.

Kendall: Leo is great! I find myself craving him.
Lincee: Gross.
Kevin: Well, he shouldn’t have kissed Chelsea, too.

Sweet, lovely Kendall had no idea that her stuntman slipped Chelsea a little something he learned from Benoit’s homeland. Kendall’s face reacts and Kevin immediately knows that his friend had no idea. He stammers, blaming “the girls.” He thought one of them would have told her by now!

This makes it even worse for Kendall. She slowly realizes that she’s the only one who didn’t know that Leo was a player.

If I understand Kendall’s personality, and I think I do, I’m sure she took several moments, maybe even hours, to collect herself before approaching Leo. She confronts him and wonders why he didn’t tell her about Chelsea?

Leo: We were just hanging out. It’s no big deal.
Kendall: Hanging out is not making out.
Lincee: Truth.

Kendall: Why weren’t you transparent? Did you feel guilty? Because all of this behavior points to signs of a cheater.
Lincee: Kendall is my favorite contestant EVER.

Kendall: I hate that this is how we are beginning.
Leo: It’s fine. I’m into you.
Kendall: I don’t believe you because now we have established a distrust. There are red flags.
Leo: Kissing is a handshake in Paradise.
Lincee: GET HIM, KENDALL!

Unfortunately, Kendall can’t get him because Leo insists on being a complete chach by finding the rat who tattled on him. He makes a fool of himself in the pool by making a big scene. Everyone is over it.

The next day, Kevin approaches Leo at the bar and tells him that he was the one who told Kendall about Chelsea. He explains that it was a mistake because he assumed she already knew, since everyone else did. Let the record show I believe him. Let the record show that Leo does not.

HOWEVER, Kevin goes to bat for Kendall, claiming that she should have all the facts before making a decision between two guys. Leo shouts that he was going to tell Kendall eventually. Kevin doesn’t believe him. Chelsea asks Wells and Yuki if she should step in since this drama is because she swapped spit with the big guy. He wisely tells her to sip her margarita in silence and watch the show, as Yuki smiles.

Leo gets in Kevin’s face. Kevin holds it together, but later tells the viewers that Canadians are polite, reasonable, but you can not push them around.

That night before the rose ceremony, Leo tells Kendall that she should have given him a head’s up that she wanted to be exclusive. He is “hurt.” He’s been attacked all day long because of something she did.

Kendall manages to muster every once of grace in her being and doesn’t punch him in the jugular. The only thing that matters is that they both felt vulnerable and hurt.

Leo: Great Kendall. I hope you find love in Paradise. (eye roll)
Kendall: I don’t appreciate you being condescending to me right now.
Lincee: KENDALL FOR PRESIDENT!

Leo goes on to tell Kendall that he’s disappointed she was faking their connection. Then he applauds her for being the best thing since ouchless hair ties. He scrambles to find the right words to argue out of this hole he’s dug, but Kendall matches him with every tactic he throws out. She’s doing a great job of keeping it together, but her exterior is cracking.

That’s when Joe shows up.

“Are you done here?”

AND SCENE!

Who’s ready for the fight tonight? And who’s ready for Leo to go home on the first flight out of Mexico?

Photo By: ABC.com

38
Comments

avatar
18 Comment threads
20 Thread replies
0 Followers
 
Most reacted comment
Hottest comment thread
27 Comment authors
SadietraceeLaraDonnaSara Recent comment authors
newest oldest
Kate
Kate

I thought this was a great episode!!!! No Tia and Colton, and we finally get to see Astrid and Kevin talk. I really like those two – she is smart and normal, and while he seems to be a bit shaky without his therapist, I hope they stay together out in the real world.

I also loved Jordan’s last conversation with Jenna. It was interesting how when he got serious she got silly.

Kendall is my hero!!!!

How in the heck can Annalise declare that her relationship with Kamil is one of the strongest – after a 3 hour date??

Kay
Kay

I could be wrong, but I kind of feel like the “strongest couple” comment was spliced in. She was not on the screen when we heard that part of the comment, so for all we know she was talking about Jordan or Kenny, and they edited it in.
I mean, what they’re showing us of Annalise is not very flattering, but I SERIOUSLY doubt, (ok, maybe HOPEFULLY doubt) that she wouldn’t be so desperate to say such nonsense about a guy she’s known for 3 hours.

Honey
Honey

I agree. It was probably edited for drama — she said it at another time.

Kittenfish
Kittenfish

Annalise has seemed mentally ill. I was SHOCKED that she drove the dune buggy over the suspension bridge. I’m not sure I would have…….

Rosa
Rosa

I was wondering if anyone else heard Annaliese say she and Kamil were the strongest…. after a few hours!! She is so desperate!! And for all the phobias she has, riding that ATV over that bridge would be #1 for me! I think Jenna really likes Jordan, and may be afraid he will find out how crazy she is. I do think she has a screw loose, but I love them together! Leo is the biggest jerk and I hope he goes home. He really acted a fool last night and made himself look terrible and childish. I think if Kendall and Joe don’t work out, she would be a great Bachelorette. Girlfriend is smart!! Can’t wait for tonight! And Goose running in to things and tripping over stuff was priceless! 🙂

Amy
Amy

Agreed! She would be an amazing Bachelorette!

Michelle
Michelle

Was anyone else reminded of a pig being roasted at a luau when Krystal and Connor were buried in the sand and covered with banana leaves? I kept waiting for the hula dancers to appear!

islandchic
islandchic

OMG, I almost chocked on my apple slice reading your comment, and yes it did cross my mind, I am with Lincee ” Good night, nurse. I would have bolted right then and there. Adios, amigos. Who cares about finding love? Give me a blank canvas and lots of paint and make me roll around on it with a stranger in the middle of a crowded park. I’ll do anything pineapple-worthy. Yoga with that weird lady, eating bugs, whatever! But do NOT stick me in a hole in the ground and tell me to free my mind. No thank you.”

Amy H
Amy H

Kendall is by far the most beautiful and articulate cast member this franchise has ever had the good fortune to snag…I’d love to see her as the Bachelorette! I have to confess I viewed Kevin as a bit of a meathead until this episode, but hearing his conversations this week have made me a fan. Jenna drives me crazy. Even my 13-year-old son is irritated…his comment about her was, “She’s one of those girls who thinks acting stupid makes her cute.” I like Jenna in her confessionals but then she turns into a baby-talking, tongue biting infant whenever she’s near a man! I thought Kenny’s departure was suspect, and Annaliese needs to tone down the desperate. Leo (who I used to like) showed himself to be a complete jack-wagon this week. I hope he and his man bun are on the fast track to the exit limo. That said, I don’t think Joe’s right for Kendall either. As cute as he is, I’m not sure he can match her intellectually. Sorry Joe!

Patrick
Patrick

Totally agree regarding Kendall, Amy. And, in the immortal words of Mike Hannigan (Paul Rudd) Kendall is “wonderfully weird.”

Old Christine
Old Christine

Amy, your son is very perceptive for a 13 year old! What a smart young man.
Also, it makes me sad every time they show Annaliese acting desperate, which is often.

Sadie
Sadie

Yes, agree about Annaliese. I hate that she is the oldest woman and that’s how they’re portraying her. I also liked the Kevin stuff–it seemed like a very reasonable reaction to the situation and very real. Good point about Jenna–unfortunately, the dumb act does seem to work for some guys. I guess Jordan does the same act so they really are meant for each other. I love Joe but it doesn’t seem like he and Kendall are a great fit.

tracee
tracee

Joes’ a real guy…..I think we are getting used to the pretend boyfriends like Colton. It is hard to believe the same girl is torn between Joe and Leo?

Contrarian
Contrarian

“Jordan gets her on a level that can destroy her.” — Lincee

And that was the moment my opinion of Jenna shifted dramatically. It was truly endearing to see her transparent struggle: “Do I opt for natural fit and fun chemistry that play to my assets — or do I go with a guy who knows me inside and out, and still adores me?”

I think most of us want to be known at our deepest level, varnish-free, and yet that prospect is not for the faint-hearted. Yes, because of his insightfulness and candor, Jordan could do great damage, but I’m not prepared to predict that outcome. They both have significant issues, in my opinion, but if they begin to trust each other, good things could happen. I hope they do.

BA77
BA77

I just love your posts. And I am THOROUGHLY enjoying BIP way more than I probably should! Thanks Lincee!

Kay
Kay

I really couldn’t stand Jenna at first…her voice drives me nuts, and I’m put off by the obvious “sex-kitten” persona she adopts around men. But she is growing on me…and I love that she makes Jordan see past himself. I don’t know if they’ll last, but I’m jumping on the Jordan/Jenna ship, too!

And can we just petition the network powers-that-be to set Kendall up with a lifetime residence on Paradise? She is the counter-weight that balances out the constant crazy that comes every season! She could set the boys straight when necessary, and give advice to the less-than-role-model-esque women that come looking for self-worth in a week-long beef parade.

I’ve never cheered for ANY contestant in this franchise, but I was literally “whoop whoop-ing” my TV last night. BRING IT Kendall….for all the women that have been played by chach-y guys like Leo!

And what the heck, ABC??? You feel the need to show us 75859783 combined hours of Colton/Tia/Krystal/Chris and think we don’t want to see what EXACTLY happened between Jubilee and John??? Know your viewers, I say!!

And one note about the mom denim panties….while back-to-school shopping with my teenage daughter, she mentioned she wanted some high-waisted jeans. YIKES!!! All I could think was, “My child is going to be wearing MOM JEANS!” HAHAHA!

Lara
Lara

Kay, your post is too funny! Shopping with teens… makes me think of how when you are that young you only know what was most recently made fun of. The 90s must seem so long ago.

Your comment made me look this up on Google and sure enough they are actually at least online being marketed as “Mom jeans” only maybe more distressed than the “originals”. One add said “A 90’s throwback that seriously flatters….” ha! This style did not flatter anyone, even tall, thin ladies with a tiny waist. Oh well, I guess we are dealing with some re cycled creativity here. Don’t teens have enough to deal with? Mom jeans.

And Lincee, this was an exceptionally good recap!

tracee
tracee

Jenna is darling. With all the stuff girls put up with guys the sex kitten ploy is ok by me and I love how playful she is. Women have done a lot worse ….like the stripper pole for example…to attract men

Sadie
Sadie

Yes, Jubilee was my favorite!

I do have to say I kind of felt for Leo on this one, since he had only been on one date with Kendall and she was clearly still seeing Joe. He should have just explained that he didn’t want to hurt her by talking about kissing some other girl. But instead he got overly angry and aggressive …

DonnaMarie
DonnaMarie

Did Goose also say he was a Goat when discussing what cheese they would be? I believe he picked goat cheese because “he is a goat.” I’d have to agree that he’s a goat but I think he confused goose and goat. Distinguishing animals is hard, especially when they begin with the same letter!

Lisa Joyner
Lisa Joyner

I think he was implying that he is the G.O.A.T. – Greatest of All Time…Wells must be serving up some hallucinogens with the margaritas!

Donna
Donna

I missed , why does he call himself Goose? I don’t get it. He is rather slimey and a more fitting name would be The Worm!

Deb
Deb

You have it! The worm it is….

Sincethebeginning
Sincethebeginning

I’m attempting to reply after years of not being able to…

Lincee, this recap was one of the best! The GIF’s are hysterical. I’m not sure I understand the man that is Leo…just looking at him screams player/chach/cheater/dishonest/everything else you don’t want in a partner. I. don’t. get. it. I’m so proud of Kendall for her composure and refusal to be blinded by “I’m into you.” Vomit. I applaud Kendall.

I have been reading your blogs, listening to your podcasts and finished your book. I may not be able to post, but I will always be reading you somehow…

Sincethebeginning
Sincethebeginning

I can’t believe it worked!!! I’m so happy!

Shelley
Shelley

For some reason I really like Jenna & Jordan too. They have a communication and way they poke at each other in fun that some people never have their whole lives. I love that the same girl who says being killed by a tiger would be a reasonable way to go is also the girl that SLAYED Leo the hairy Dragon. I’ve been around men like that, and if you don’t have the confidence it’s easy to say ‘Wait, what? I didn’t mean to make you feel bad.’. I don’t know that I had that confidence at her age, but I certainly did by my early 30’s. Joe probably isn’t the long term guy either, but he sure is sweet. I really like Venmo and wish we’d see him more of him. I find his honesty endearing. Chelsea needs to go home to her son. David needs to go home to his mom. Also, I’d like to get Krystal’s butt routine!!

And the ‘Who Moved My Cheese’ conversation was hilarious. Clearly some of these guys didn’t understand.

Deb
Deb

Regarding the cheese thingy…. Eric should have said “it’s a book blah blah blah” Jeesh……

Deebee

Really sucks that there was minimal information on what happened with Jubilee. John must be very confident some other gal will give him a rose. Also Kenny’s departure seemed totally out of the blue.

Deb
Deb

That was super weird…. they were getting along famously then NADA! Bad editing for sure. Do better Chris Harrison et al!

tracee
tracee

Kenny did the exact same thing to Rachel

Lisa Joyner
Lisa Joyner

I think Kevin has seen how quickly the other girls have dropped the bird in the hand for the one in the bush! It makes him distrustful of what he’s feeling or what Astrid is feeling. I don’t think he was trying to leave the door open to get out. I think they might really wind up together.

Honey
Honey

Leo’s confrontation with Kevin looked fake to me. It was like Leo was auditioning for a telenovela or for a new gig to continue his soft-porn career (stuntman, my hiney). The Jimmy Neuton reference cracked me up. And I loved Kendall rocking the babies in their hammock. What’s with the crying girls getting a roll of toilet paper to dry their tears and snot — invest in some Kleenex, ABC. Silly episode, solid/amazing recap, Lincee.

Deb
Deb

Leo started out okay but when push came to shove we can see his true character! BYE BYE!

Ruth

I have so much admiration for Kendall last night. She dealt with everything Leo handed her with grace and calm.

Lanna
Lanna

Some good contenders but best line:
“Then he applauds her for being the best thing since ouchless hair ties. “ bahahahahahahaha!
I’m loving Jordan’s vulnerability. Grocery Store Joe is so understanding and patient – even after Kendall kissed Venmo. But Kendall (other than kissing Venmo) has handled herself well.
Kevin endeared himself as well. There are some legit (as legit as can be expected for reality) nice guys on this season.