Bachelor in Paradise recap: Russian witch hunt
Bachelor in Paradise recap: Season 5, Episode 9
Was it just me, or did this episode of Bachelor in Paradise feel a bit dull compared to previous episodes? I found myself easily distracted due to boredom. For example, when Astrid gives us the 4-1-1 on the six strong couples who are sure to find success on this Mexican beach, I heard nothing. I simply stared at her shortalls in wonderment.
I snapped out of it when the real success stories walk in. With their hair extensions. And their babies.
That’s right, Jade, Tanner, Carly, and Evan are going to figure out with of these couples are ripe for the best date known to man. Everyone is psyched because three weeks in the sun without access to the outside world can deliver quite a punch to the old brain cells. Let’s do this.
Janner and Carven split up and interview four couples each. Carly adores Jordan and Jenna. Jade loves Kevin’s mature relationship with Astrid. Goose and Krystal work it hard and admit to falling in love. And Kendall and Joe easily endear themselves.
Olivia sits there as Venmo admits to kissing not one, not two, but six other women. Before her. Fun times. Eric won’t shut up about moving his cheese with Cassandra. Zealand laughs when Carly asks how his relationship with Shu is going and quickly informs the franchise celebrities that he just got to Paradise and is still figuring things out.
And then there was Anna. Carly asks Kamil if he’s ready to go the distance and he mumbles something about playing catch up. Meaning, he’s not ready for marriage. Anna launches into full interview mode and somehow manages to agree with him, yet assure Carly and Evan that she definitely wants what they have, including the four-month-old. Then she says there’s nothing to worry about because after their first date, it was like they had been dating for six months.
Evan: You could tell Annaliese was trying to support Kamil, but she’s dying in her eyes.
One might conclude that Anna and Kamil need this epic date to work things out. One might be wrong. Because this isn’t an epic date for the contestants. It’s an epic date for the parents. And the foursome agree that Kendall and Joe are the best babysitters of the group.
They dump Emmy and Bella off in the midst of a disassembled crib and peace out as their kiddos scream bloody murder.
Best birth control ever.
Joe tries to console disgruntled Emmy, but nothing works. Kendall tries to play the ukulele to sooth the demon out of her. Again, nothing works. Then Kendall picks up the baby and Emmy is all better in her cute little pigtails. Poor Bella is stuck crossing her fingers in the crib, hopeful that it doesn’t come crashing down like that guy Humpty Dumpty her mom keeps telling her about.
Of course, Joe sees Kendall in a different light and vice versa. When the parents return, they send the sitters off with an epic date that ends up being a picnic on the beach, which is a ghetto date in Bachelor Nation. Oh well. They further define their relationship and Joe admits that he’s not back pedaling because he’s finally found the right person.
That person would be Kendall.
Meanwhile, baby fever is spreading across the beach like a sexually transmitted disease. Jordan and Jenna discuss baby names. She likes “Tucker” for a boy and “Cooper” for a girl. Jordan thinks those are Mathlete names and forbids it.
Anna and Kamil just get gross. There’s all sorts of public dry humping and talk of Polish popsicles. Anna quite literally is incapable of keeping her hands, or her lips, or in some instances, her entire leg off of any part of Kamil’s body. Let the record show that he never, ever touches her.
The only person who doesn’t have baby fever is Eric. He’s still worried about his cheese. And Disney Princess Angela. He couldn’t care less about Cassandra and even goes as far as to say that he can’t give her what she wants. He takes his woes to Resident Assistant Kevin and cries about how his life is no fair right now.
Eric: Angela leaving hit me hard. She was my girl.
Lincee: But isn’t that your footprint I see on her rear end? Weren’t you the one who kicked her to the royal blue rejection SUV?
Eric decides it’s time to leave Paradise. He wakes Cassandra from her three-hour afternoon nap and has the following conversation:
Eric: What’s up?
Lincee: Er, you just woke her up from a dead sleep. Let her process for a minute, dude.
Eric: I know we came to a compromise where we stand…
Lincee: You did?
Cassandra: We did?
Eric: I’m leaving. But thank you for being you.
Cassandra: I don’t think your head’s in the right spot.
Eric bids everyone farewell and several people cry about it. The most surprising was Shu. She’s been in Paradise three days and the news of Eric’s departure devastates her.
Suddenly, Zealand arrives with a date card and announces that Goose will have a “night to remember.” Goose scrambles over to Krystal, who is day sleeping on the beach bed, wakes her up and asks, “Are you ready?”
Is there not a natural instinct that when you wake someone up from his or her slumber, there is an adjustment period that should be met before asking important, yet vague questions like, “what’s up” and “are you ready?” Why am I baffled by this phenomenon?
They head off to dinner. Goose tells Krystal he is no longer falling, but he IN LOVE with her. He had to deliver the heartfelt message twice since a raccoon interrupted his first declaration. Then Ben Rector showed up for a little acoustic sesh by the ankle-deep kiddie pool. It was cooler than I just described it. Trust me.
Meanwhile, back at the beach, the others play a riveting game of Truth or Dare. Zealand dares Olivia to recreate the jalapeño kiss that Carly and Evan executed their season. Then they showed a clip of Carly and Evan’s jalapeño kiss and I screamed for everyone to shut their eyes to protect their innocence.
That string of spit from his mouth to hers still haunts me on cold winter nights when I can’t sleep.
Anyway, Olivia and Venmo nearly lose all of the feeling in their tongues and rush to Wells for ice to numb the pain. Zealand continues the game by asking the group as a whole if there is anyone here they wish they could have kissed.
Kamil catches Shu staring at him. So Zealand goes with it and asks Kamil what’s the deal with his relationship status? Kamil affirms that there is indeed a status to post on Facebook and right now, it’s a committed one. Shu shoots him daggers. Anna rewards him a promise to do something in the bedroom later for publicly announcing their love to the world!
Shu: I’ve got a question. Did you ever want to kill someone?
Sweet Zealand tries to console the Russian, but she isn’t having it. In fact, when Z gets a date card the following morning, he immediately rushes to her to join him. She declines and suggests he ask the only other single girl there, Cassandra, to fo. Then she seeks out Kamil so they can talk about the fake relationship she imagined from Instagram.
Kevin: She’s walking a fine line between persistent and cray cray.
Lincee: Kevin is my hero.
They make their way to the hot tub and Shu asks Kamil once again what’s his deal. He says in four different ways that he is just not that into her. And she politely responds, “I don’t believe you” each time while smiling like a weirdo.
Later, Olivia discovers that it’s the challenge Shu likes. She wants Kamil because she can’t have him. Olivia encourages her to get away from the Polish guy. PS: She should have gone out with New Zealand. He’s handsome. And available. And now traipsing around some beach with Cassandra. That could have been her.
Across the way, Kamil complains about Shu using her “Russian witchery” on him. Her evil stares freak him out. How many ways can he say, “I’m with Annaliese?”
This is the last straw for Anna. The Blonde Girl marches her happy self all over that beach looking for the Russian. Everyone gathers around with some popcorn, because this is exactly like General Hospital. Expect on a beach. With crazier circumstances.
Anna: Can I chat with you?
Shu: Do you have to?
Lincee: Ha! I’m loving this!
Anna: Look, Kamil is off limits. Our connection is strong. You need to back off.
Shu: Well at the rose ceremony…
Anna: He’s not interested.
Shu: Can I finish?
Anna: He made it clear. It’s never going to be you.
Shu: But we had our time. That’s just between us. I feel that…
Anna: He made it totally clear.
Shu: Can I finish?
Lincee: How do you say, “fight, fight fight!” in Russian?
Anna then asks Shu if she is a witch, attempting to hex her relationship with Kamil. She knows there’s bad blood between Poland and Russia. Shu all but laughs and dismisses Anna. Then she cries about how her season three moniker was “European Trash.” How did she vacillate to “Russian Witch” in one day?
Shu: You can call me a b!tch, but not a witch.
Lincee: Let’s rethink that, Shu.
Anna reports back to the group that she told Shu to keep away from her man and asked the ABC Psychotherapist to check Shu’s cabana for veritaserum and anything resembling a wand. Kamil thinks Anna’s behavior is hot and they celebrate horizontally.
To make matters worse, Diggy shows up. You remember him, right? The bespectacled one from Rachel’s season with a charming personality? Astrid is quick to run down to the beach to muster the single ones, encouraging them to put their game faces on. Of course, the first thing Diggy does is ask Shu on a date and she immediately declines.
Astrid: I don’t think Shu understands how Paradise works.
Diggy moves on to Olivia. She is super pumped because he’s the one she wanted to meet in Paradise. So they go out on a date and have a lovely time making out, while poor Venmo is left at the bar eating pizza as Jenna lectures him on how he needs to make his move with Olivia before it’s too late.
Out of the blue, Shu declares that she’s into Zealand. She arranges for the ABC Intern to make a lovely dessert picnic on the beach. While she waits for him to get back from his date with Cassandra, she burns a framed picture of Kamil, yet keeps the voodoo doll she has of him safely tucked away in her pillowcase.
When Zealand returns, everyone is on high alert. They feel it is their duty to report that Shu is currently burning something on the beach and has cried six times today about how she misses him…not Kamil.
Shu steals Zealand away, inquires about his date with Cassandra, then questions him if he wants to move on with her or with the brown-haired one. BTW: She was jealous when he was away.
Z: What do you want from this conversation?
Shu: How do you feel about me?
Z: At the moment, confused. I thought you were hung up on Kamil.
Lincee: Dude. Look in the fire. His face is melting off the paper right now.
Zealand tells Shu that he had fun with Cassandra. Shu runs off to cry about how everyone hates her because she’s a witch.
Next week is the two day finale. Who’s ready? Who will be engaged by the end? My money is on Jordan and Jenna and Kevin and Astrid. I’m not sure about Kendall and Joe. Something is off in the scenes from next week. Kendall is too emotional and may not want a ring at the end of this thing.
Am I wrong? Sound off in the comments section!