Bachelor in Paradise recap: Russian witch hunt

Bachelor in Paradise recap: Season 5, Episode 9

Was it just me, or did this episode of Bachelor in Paradise feel a bit dull compared to previous episodes? I found myself easily distracted due to boredom. For example, when Astrid gives us the 4-1-1 on the six strong couples who are sure to find success on this Mexican beach, I heard nothing. I simply stared at her shortalls in wonderment.

I snapped out of it when the real success stories walk in. With their hair extensions. And their babies.

That’s right, Jade, Tanner, Carly, and Evan are going to figure out with of these couples are ripe for the best date known to man. Everyone is psyched because three weeks in the sun without access to the outside world can deliver quite a punch to the old brain cells. Let’s do this.

Janner and Carven split up and interview four couples each. Carly adores Jordan and Jenna. Jade loves Kevin’s mature relationship with Astrid. Goose and Krystal work it hard and admit to falling in love. And Kendall and Joe easily endear themselves.

Olivia sits there as Venmo admits to kissing not one, not two, but six other women. Before her. Fun times. Eric won’t shut up about moving his cheese with Cassandra. Zealand laughs when Carly asks how his relationship with Shu is going and quickly informs the franchise celebrities that he just got to Paradise and is still figuring things out.

And then there was Anna. Carly asks Kamil if he’s ready to go the distance and he mumbles something about playing catch up. Meaning, he’s not ready for marriage. Anna launches into full interview mode and somehow manages to agree with him, yet assure Carly and Evan that she definitely wants what they have, including the four-month-old. Then she says there’s nothing to worry about because after their first date, it was like they had been dating for six months.

Evan: You could tell Annaliese was trying to support Kamil, but she’s dying in her eyes.

One might conclude that Anna and Kamil need this epic date to work things out. One might be wrong. Because this isn’t an epic date for the contestants. It’s an epic date for the parents. And the foursome agree that Kendall and Joe are the best babysitters of the group.

They dump Emmy and Bella off in the midst of a disassembled crib and peace out as their kiddos scream bloody murder.

Best birth control ever.

Joe tries to console disgruntled Emmy, but nothing works. Kendall tries to play the ukulele to sooth the demon out of her. Again, nothing works. Then Kendall picks up the baby and Emmy is all better in her cute little pigtails. Poor Bella is stuck crossing her fingers in the crib, hopeful that it doesn’t come crashing down like that guy Humpty Dumpty her mom keeps telling her about.

Of course, Joe sees Kendall in a different light and vice versa. When the parents return, they send the sitters off with an epic date that ends up being a picnic on the beach, which is a ghetto date in Bachelor Nation. Oh well. They further define their relationship and Joe admits that he’s not back pedaling because he’s finally found the right person.

That person would be Kendall.

Meanwhile, baby fever is spreading across the beach like a sexually transmitted disease. Jordan and Jenna discuss baby names. She likes “Tucker” for a boy and “Cooper” for a girl. Jordan thinks those are Mathlete names and forbids it.

Anna and Kamil just get gross. There’s all sorts of public dry humping and talk of Polish popsicles. Anna quite literally is incapable of keeping her hands, or her lips, or in some instances, her entire leg off of any part of Kamil’s body. Let the record show that he never, ever touches her.

The only person who doesn’t have baby fever is Eric. He’s still worried about his cheese. And Disney Princess Angela. He couldn’t care less about Cassandra and even goes as far as to say that he can’t give her what she wants. He takes his woes to Resident Assistant Kevin and cries about how his life is no fair right now.

Eric: Angela leaving hit me hard. She was my girl.
Lincee: But isn’t that your footprint I see on her rear end? Weren’t you the one who kicked her to the royal blue rejection SUV?

Eric decides it’s time to leave Paradise. He wakes Cassandra from her three-hour afternoon nap and has the following conversation:

Eric: What’s up?
Lincee: Er, you just woke her up from a dead sleep. Let her process for a minute, dude.
Cassandra: Hey.

Eric: I know we came to a compromise where we stand…
Lincee: You did?
Cassandra: We did?

Eric: I’m leaving. But thank you for being you.
Lincee: BYE!
Cassandra: I don’t think your head’s in the right spot.

Eric bids everyone farewell and several people cry about it. The most surprising was Shu. She’s been in Paradise three days and the news of Eric’s departure devastates her.

Suddenly, Zealand arrives with a date card and announces that Goose will have a “night to remember.” Goose scrambles over to Krystal, who is day sleeping on the beach bed, wakes her up and asks, “Are you ready?”

Is there not a natural instinct that when you wake someone up from his or her slumber, there is an adjustment period that should be met before asking important, yet vague questions like, “what’s up” and “are you ready?” Why am I baffled by this phenomenon?

They head off to dinner. Goose tells Krystal he is no longer falling, but he IN LOVE with her. He had to deliver the heartfelt message twice since a raccoon interrupted his first declaration. Then Ben Rector showed up for a little acoustic sesh by the ankle-deep kiddie pool. It was cooler than I just described it. Trust me.

Meanwhile, back at the beach, the others play a riveting game of Truth or Dare. Zealand dares Olivia to recreate the jalapeño kiss that Carly and Evan executed their season. Then they showed a clip of Carly and Evan’s jalapeño kiss and I screamed for everyone to shut their eyes to protect their innocence.

That string of spit from his mouth to hers still haunts me on cold winter nights when I can’t sleep.

Anyway, Olivia and Venmo nearly lose all of the feeling in their tongues and rush to Wells for ice to numb the pain. Zealand continues the game by asking the group as a whole if there is anyone here they wish they could have kissed.

Kamil catches Shu staring at him. So Zealand goes with it and asks Kamil what’s the deal with his relationship status? Kamil affirms that there is indeed a status to post on Facebook and right now, it’s a committed one. Shu shoots him daggers. Anna rewards him a promise to do something in the bedroom later for publicly announcing their love to the world!

Shu: I’ve got a question. Did you ever want to kill someone?

Sweet Zealand tries to console the Russian, but she isn’t having it. In fact, when Z gets a date card the following morning, he immediately rushes to her to join him. She declines and suggests he ask the only other single girl there, Cassandra, to fo. Then she seeks out Kamil so they can talk about the fake relationship she imagined from Instagram.

Kevin: She’s walking a fine line between persistent and cray cray.
Lincee: Kevin is my hero.

They make their way to the hot tub and Shu asks Kamil once again what’s his deal. He says in four different ways that he is just not that into her. And she politely responds, “I don’t believe you” each time while smiling like a weirdo.

Later, Olivia discovers that it’s the challenge Shu likes. She wants Kamil because she can’t have him. Olivia encourages her to get away from the Polish guy. PS: She should have gone out with New Zealand. He’s handsome. And available. And now traipsing around some beach with Cassandra. That could have been her.

Across the way, Kamil complains about Shu using her “Russian witchery” on him. Her evil stares freak him out. How many ways can he say, “I’m with Annaliese?”

This is the last straw for Anna. The Blonde Girl marches her happy self all over that beach looking for the Russian. Everyone gathers around with some popcorn, because this is exactly like General Hospital. Expect on a beach. With crazier circumstances.

Anna: Can I chat with you?
Shu: Do you have to?
Lincee: Ha! I’m loving this!

Anna: Look, Kamil is off limits. Our connection is strong. You need to back off.
Shu: Well at the rose ceremony…
Anna: He’s not interested.
Shu: Can I finish?
Lincee: Classic.

Anna: He made it clear. It’s never going to be you.
Shu: But we had our time. That’s just between us. I feel that…
Anna: He made it totally clear.
Shu: Can I finish?
Lincee: How do you say, “fight, fight fight!” in Russian?

Anna then asks Shu if she is a witch, attempting to hex her relationship with Kamil. She knows there’s bad blood between Poland and Russia. Shu all but laughs and dismisses Anna. Then she cries about how her season three moniker was “European Trash.” How did she vacillate to “Russian Witch” in one day?

Shu: You can call me a b!tch, but not a witch.
Lincee: Let’s rethink that, Shu.

Anna reports back to the group that she told Shu to keep away from her man and asked the ABC Psychotherapist to check Shu’s cabana for veritaserum and anything resembling a wand. Kamil thinks Anna’s behavior is hot and they celebrate horizontally.

To make matters worse, Diggy shows up. You remember him, right? The bespectacled one from Rachel’s season with a charming personality? Astrid is quick to run down to the beach to muster the single ones, encouraging them to put their game faces on. Of course, the first thing Diggy does is ask Shu on a date and she immediately declines.

Astrid: I don’t think Shu understands how Paradise works.

Diggy moves on to Olivia. She is super pumped because he’s the one she wanted to meet in Paradise. So they go out on a date and have a lovely time making out, while poor Venmo is left at the bar eating pizza as Jenna lectures him on how he needs to make his move with Olivia before it’s too late.

Out of the blue, Shu declares that she’s into Zealand. She arranges for the ABC Intern to make a lovely dessert picnic on the beach. While she waits for him to get back from his date with Cassandra, she burns a framed picture of Kamil, yet keeps the voodoo doll she has of him safely tucked away in her pillowcase.

When Zealand returns, everyone is on high alert. They feel it is their duty to report that Shu is currently burning something on the beach and has cried six times today about how she misses him…not Kamil.

Shu steals Zealand away, inquires about his date with Cassandra, then questions him if he wants to move on with her or with the brown-haired one. BTW: She was jealous when he was away.

Z: What do you want from this conversation?
Shu: How do you feel about me?

Z: At the moment, confused. I thought you were hung up on Kamil.
Lincee: Dude. Look in the fire. His face is melting off the paper right now.

Zealand tells Shu that he had fun with Cassandra. Shu runs off to cry about how everyone hates her because she’s a witch.

Annnnnddd scene.

Next week is the two day finale. Who’s ready? Who will be engaged by the end? My money is on Jordan and Jenna and Kevin and Astrid. I’m not sure about Kendall and Joe. Something is off in the scenes from next week. Kendall is too emotional and may not want a ring at the end of this thing.

Am I wrong? Sound off in the comments section!

Photo By: ABC.com

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Holly
Holly

Applause as always on a fabulous recap! When you mentioned Kamil never touching Anna – I nearly fell off my seat! I have been so wrapped up in disgust watching Anna paw, rub and mount Kamil, it never occurred to me how true that is!! He does not touch her without her starting in on him first.

Anita
Anita

I saw the raccoon and thought of Kendall.

Kelli
Kelli

Dog Kevin was unavailable for this episode. However, he told me before that there would be a lot of crying this episode. We just didn’t know it would be actual babies.

Why is Goose freaked out by the raccoon? Wasn’t there a contestant from Ben’s season that used the raccoon as a therapist (total editing, but still funny). I think Jordan and Jenna will end up ‘engaged’, only to break up a month after the show airs. Same with Kevin and Astrid. I do want Kendall and Joe to succeed, but BIPs record is not great. I still get a kick out of how weird Evan and Carly are–yay for them, except the habanero kiss. Gross.

I’m ready for the finale–but I hope it isn’t 5 hours like this week.

April
April

Hi Kelli, that was Clare, originally from Juan Pablo’s season and then BIP & most recently Winter Games, who had the raccoon “therapist” on BIP. I was thinking that they wasted and opportunity to have the raccoon make an earlier appearance as Clare’s symbolic spirit animal when Benoit was still there in BIP, since Clare and Benoit became engaged on Winter games but later broke it off.

BeccaCali
BeccaCali

I was also hoping for the raccoon to talk with Benoit about all his feels

Mollie A
Mollie A

Great recap, Lincee! Can we also address that there was zero closure to Scallop Fingers’ medical situation from the end of Monday’s episode? What gives?! Yes, I realize it must not have been pivotal to the outcome of the show. But, come one, ABC…

Michelle

YES!!!! She’s still alive, right? That was so bizarre so make that the climax of the show and then never resolve it.

Kay
Kay

They had to make room for Eric’s “truth”. Eye roll.

white
white

“troof”

BeccaCali
BeccaCali

Lincee, flag for removal

Crystal
Crystal

????

April
April

And poor Chelsea who appeared to be having a panic attack. It’s gross that they did not follow through with any sort of resolution. The callousness of treatment of these two unresolved events makes me feel especially icky about watching the show. For a show about relationships they certainly have a way showing how little they actually care about any of the contestants.

Lexie

The jalepeno kiss… I don’t think I’ve ever gagged like that from watching a show before! The seeds- the slime. Nasty.

And poor Shu. I can’t tell if it’s the chase she likes, the rejection she hates or both. I desperately want to get her some counseling.

Amazing recap as always! Next season I may just skip the show and come straight here!

Cassie
Cassie

I think Shu isn’t used to being rejected. She strikes me as a spoiled bratt who’s used to getting what she wants and doesn’t know what to do when she doesn’t get it. She seems to be a very immature 30 year old.

Sincethebeginnning
Sincethebeginnning

Thank goodness for your recaps Lincee. I was bored out of my gourd last night/this morning. I truly think they need to mix up the format…the people interested in finding love keep leaving, and the people just there to play, stay…change. it. up. Also because once they figure out a strategy for staying on camera, they confuse it with “love,” “love of my life,” or “what I’ve always wanted.” Wanting it to be so, doesn’t always make it so, especially when there’s not a camera around. I AM excited about Robby rocking Jordan’s world…”like when models collide.”

Ruth

1. It was totally weird when they didn’t give us an update on Christen and Chelsea’s panic attacks/dehydration from the night before. At least reassure us they are alive and ok.
2. The whole bonfire/picture burning thing, that was total editing. The interns filmed some headshots being burned and they edited it to look like the Russian Witch was burning them.
3. If Kamil were a magnet Anneliese would be steel. If Anneliese were a magnet, Kamil would be a piece of wood.

Kay
Kay

“If Kamil were a magnet Anneliese would be steel. If Anneliese were a magnet, Kamil would be a piece of wood.”
Favorite quote of the day! Thank you! 🙂

Susan
Susan

Laughed out loud at #3 Ruth. Right on the money!

KIm Z
KIm Z

Agree Ruth that the picturing burning was editing. Where would she have gotten Kamil’s Bachelorette headshot?

Contrarian
Contrarian

Okay, my special moment was watching Joe’s reaction to Carly after the interview and hearing his wistful half-whisper to no one in particular, “I really like her.” I was imagining this refrain running in his brain: WHY NOT ME?

I hope he’s not too “all-in” with Kendall. She’s definitely going to break his heart either during the show or afterward.

KIm Z
KIm Z

I saw Joe in an interview where they had him pick names of the BIP participants out of a hat and give his opinion of that person. When he got to Kendal’s name he just crumpled the paper and tossed it.

Cassie
Cassie

He’s totally WAY more into Kendall then she is into him. When they were on the their “picnic” date after babysitting he was being very vulnerable and she was a brick wall. It was sad to watch.

tracee
tracee

I like Kamil better after he described disturbing Shu’s owl eyed stare
Didn’t Evan and Carly say Joe and Kendall were going to get a date after their babysitting gig?

I just saw them sitting on the beach.

Do I like Kevins lips or are they gross …I can’t decide. He talked way too much about his salad dressing recipe.

Kat K
Kat K

Lol about his lips- I’ve noticed that too. And was it a good recipe? I guess they are running out of things to talk about!

Rosa
Rosa

LOL! I think Kevin’s mouth is shaped to where his lips don’t close completely!? Or maybe his lips are too big? I LOVE him though but I was wondering the same thing about his lips! HA

Donna
Donna

His teeth are too big! His lips try to close but can’t quite make the gap!

Deebee

Shushanna needs to go home, now!!

Susan
Susan

I wish I could have a dollar for every time someone said “All In”.

WhydoIlovethisshow
WhydoIlovethisshow

Me too! Also, for every time they say “open and honest.”

KIm Z
KIm Z

And every time they say “I’m putting myself out there”

Sherilyn

It struck me that Anneliese & Benoit would make a good couple. They are both so “Passionate”. She’s into whoever pays attention to her, & Benoit just wants to find someone to make out with. I hope they exchanged numbers for ATFR