Bachelor in Paradise Finale recap: Hand-In-Hand

Pack up the tequila. Sanitize that filthy beach bed. Dust off the sand and make sure to tip your darling bartender, because Bachelor in Paradise is done. Not in a “temporarily shut down” kind of way, but the season has ended. We were left with an engaged couple, several break-ups, lots of fresh weaves, and a couple of “whoopsie daisy” moments broadcast on national television.

Let’s dive in!

Our Host Chris Harrison wastes no time dropping the bomb that this is the FINAL day of Paradise. Home slice has some other emceeing to do (read: Miss America) and can’t stand around to supervise nonsense like beach engagements. Plus, the shut down inhibited the resort from adding that extra week at the end of the stay so those who were successful in Paradise can romp around the island for another week before they have to go back to the Main Land to post about Diffywear sunglasses.

Hare tells the smattering of stringy-haired, sunburned bachelor franchise alums that they must choose right now this second if they are going to commit to a relationship or not. There’s no grey area. You either are a couple staying in the fantasy suite or you forego the opportunity and will leave alone in a rejection SUV.

Annnnnd BREAK!

Lacey and Damn Daniel are totally weird together and choose to stay totally weird together. She claims to be in love and he claims that “It’s like the Fourth of July in my pants.”

via GIPHY

Jack Stone is ready to confess his love for Christen. She’s the one! She’s the love of his life! She is going to be so happy when she hears that he wants her to carry all of his serial killer babies! He’s so excited to DTR and practically skips into the “damas” cabana to steal her away from the tallest bed I’ve ever seen in my life. I guess they don’t want crabs in the sheets.

Cretaceous crabs. Get your head out of the gutter, you naughty thing, you.

Right off the bat, I know things aren’t good. Christen does not make eye contact. Not once. Jack Stone pours his heart out while Christen vacillates from wide eyes to squinty eyes, maintaining a strong gaze with the floor. Jack Stone wants to “get off this beach” so they can “go hand-in-hand” and leave as a couple. Whaddya say?

Christen says hard pass. She considers them acquaintances and is somewhat shocked by Jack Stone’s profession of hand-in-handedness. Jack Stone stops, puts his mouth in reverse, and starts over. He wants to leave as a couple. Hand-in-hand. That’s code for “guard and protect” and once again, Christen shuts…it…down.

Jack Stone tries once more. There’s no ring. There’s no engagement. There’s no fantasy suite. He just wants to get to know her better. Could he interest her in a plate of scallops or a nice serving of queso and salsa? He just wants a date.

Christen drops the hammer. She finds their conversations “swirly” and is thoroughly confused by his need to walk hand-in-hand. Friends do not do that. Plus, their longest conversation has been about the weather.

No, Christen chooses the sea. She would rather be pummeled by an enormous ocean wave than go anywhere with Jack Stone. He leaves dumbfounded and with that weird look in his eye.

Hide the bunnies.

Meanwhile, Adam waltzes up to Raven and crew and asks, “Can I steal my fiancé please?”

Nope. No sir. Do not even go there, mister.

Raven is wishy washy and tries to make the camera guy believe that she’s unsure about a fantasy suite with Adam. Then she changes her mind because things are so easy with Adam and he possesses the qualities she wants in a husband. Every girl wants a dude who carries around a puppet version of himself, right?

YOU’RE MY BOY ADAM JR!

Back on the germ-infested beach bed, Dean has a conversation with D-Lo. I’m not sure how he was able to focus because I was mesmerized by her swimsuit cover up which covered nothing but her upper boob. She’s all about protecting the cleavage from sun damage.

Dean explains that when he woke up after the rose ceremony, he realized that he cares a lot about Kristina. He owes it to her (Kristina) to walk away from D-Lo. He wants to leave separately. An emotionless D-Lo says, “Okay” and walks out of Dean’s life so he can sob to the camera. He feels awful and hates himself and is sure Kristina deserves better than him.

via GIPHY

Dom hopes that Diggy wants to walk hand-in-hand. He does not. Bye Dom!

Diggy would like to do the diggy with Jami, if she wants to. Alas, Jami wants to be BFF and peaces out before Diggy can see if she even wants to.

Jasmine and Tickle Monster high five and hop in the rejection limo.

All of this takes twenty minutes. People are dropping left and right!

The camera pans to Amanda, rocking some Elsa hair, and Robby, rocking some Peppermint Patty hair. She looks neither joyful nor triumphant and immediately starts crying when Robby professes his love. Amanda was burned last season in Paradise by an angry pizza-eating sweat machine and she doesn’t want that to happen again, even though Robby is a great guy. At first I thought her tears were invisible, but when they left a streak through her caked on makeup, I knew this was legit.

Amanda said letting Robby go is the hardest thing she’s ever had to do. Might I remind you that the woman has birthed two children.

If you’ve done the light math, you’ll note that there are only three couples making a trip to the fantasy suite. Lacey asks Damn Daniel if he wants a committed relationship. He’s totally willing to change his Facebook status. Lacey takes that as a “yes” which is a rookie mistake. Then Damn Daniel tells Lacey he’s falling for her. Then he literally falls on her, or into her.

Taylor dresses Derek to match her outfit. She drinks water while he boozes it up. They talk about making whoopee and all is well. There’s a really close shot of a butt grab that I could have done without, but I quickly forgive the camera man because there are worse things that I can’t unsee:

via GIPHY

Also, Adam tells Raven that she makes him feel “some kind of way.” Raven hesitates, AS SHE SHOULD AT THIS REMARK, but then admits that she’s falling for him. No word if she’s falling for Adam Jr.

AFTER PARADISE

This is when things get weird, production-wise. Harrison rushes us through three fantasy dates (I didn’t mind that at all), and suddenly we join a studio audience haphazardly clapping for all the former contestants. Let the record show that Dean received unanimous boo’s and Kristina received the hardest round of applause.

Harrison trots out Corinne and DeMario one last time to thank them for not suing Warner Bros or Mike Fleiss. They give each other the one-armed A-framed hug. When Harrison asks, “Where do you go from here?” DeMario answers, “Therapy.”

Good call, D. Good call.

The twins are given a chance to speak and they continue to prove that they are perfectly willing to say whatever the producers spoon feed them. Jack Stone killed their vibes in Paradise. There were slim pickings by the time they got there. Blah, blah, blah.

Jasmine and Christen apparently had a social media bullying war going on that I was unaware of until this moment. Sholphin claims that her scallop fingers remark was a joke and everyone should just calm down about it. She never knew it would blow up like it did.

Same song, second verse, am I right?

Our Host tosses the hot potato to Kristina who launches in to D-Lo for being so disrespectful. D-Lo defends herself by saying that Dean was the one who played both of them. Dean asked for everyone to please stop fighting and JUST HATE HIM!

Harrison decides that this is the perfect time to revisit Dean’s journey to find love. Multiple love. Dean admits that it hurts to watch all of that back and that he hated to see Kristina so emotional. He knows he broke her heart and he can’t stand it.

Kristina tweaks the pain a little by telling him, “I hope you will never treat anyone like that. I had a love for you. I was willing to work on it. I believed in you and in us. I will always have that love. I will always have a special place for you Dean.”

I’m pretty sure I actually heard Bachelor Nation softening towards Dean a little bit. And just as I thought to myself it was odd that D-Lo was never mentioned in that miniature breakthrough with Dean on the couch, our little, silent, unemotional D-Low raises her voice and says:

“I’d like to share my point of view now.”

PLEASE DO, D-LO!

Surprise, surprise, D-Lo announces that Dean has been calling her after Paradise. There may have been some hanky pinky going on, too. Dean starts to squirm and scrappy Kristina comes out to play. She’s feisty and says, “Careful what you say, Dean.”

It seems that Dean has been calling Mother Russia all this time, too. Dean hangs his head, confessing that his indecisiveness has carried on.

Is that what the kids are calling it these days?

Dean apologizes, knowing that he’s officially done. Maybe in five years they will drag him out of obscurity and make him the next bachelor like Arie. Wouldn’t that be dramatic?

Amanda bounces out next with a cold sternum/side boob dress, fresh extensions, and eyelashes for days. Guess what? She and Robby got together after Paradise! Before we can cheer the fact that she’s going to be the arm candy of a social media influencer, she tells Harrison that even though she gave him, like, twenty chances to be a good boyfriend, they are no longer together because they wanted different things.

According to the twins, Robby wanted some rando in Colorado and they have the pictures to prove it.

Robby looks ticked. It’s the most emotion I’ve seen from him since that time he couldn’t find his jaunty bow tie and lavender hair chutney.

Next up is Lacey. She lets everyone know that she had met Damn Daniel before the show at Vinny’s birthday party. They hit it off and she was super excited to learn he was in Paradise. Alas, things did not work out. Damn Daniel did it all for the nookie. According to Lacey, the next morning after fantasy suites, Damn Daniel trusted his handler with some important information that was caught on tape.

This slice of Canadian bacon is not ready to change his Facebook status at all.

Harrison brings Damn Daniel out to defend himself, which he does not. He just acts confused and surprised, which is on point for him. Lacey quotes a Taylor Swift song, about never ever ever getting back together. She chastises him for being a 32-year-old on Bachelor in Paradise and then wishes him well in his new life with Vinny.

Next up is Adam and Raven, who walk out together like they are conjoined at the hip. All of Raven’s dreams have come true. She’s going to be just like Carly! And she has found her Evan! Although there are no rings involved, they have traveled all over and Raven is happy to embarrass Adam by introducing him to her parents on national TV. It’s not awkward at all, especially since Harrison just played their morning after fantasy suite footage.

Finally, the golden couple Derek and Taylor arrive. No one really cares about them, except for the fact that Derek is looking super Jim Halpert-y this particular night. They talk about how much they love each other and how both were skeptical. Then Derek invites Taylor to stand up beside him so he can praise her beauty in front of the entire audience, right before he drops down on one knee and proposes with a ring from Uncle Neil.

Actual rose petals fall from the sky. It was magical. And I have high hopes for the union, but my gut tells me it won’t last.

Other items of note: Nashville Danielle and Wells did not take the hot seat. According to Harrison’s tweet this morning:

Also, Ben is really, really, really happy with the love of his life, Zeus. I will say that I enjoyed the first canine Jump and Straddle ® in bachelor history. Now that’s a love that will last.

That’s it for Bachelor in Paradise. Make sure to tune in to the podcast where we talk in greater detail about what went down in the final moments. And don’t forget to check back for Dancing with the Stars recaps starting next week!

Photo By: ABC.com

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