Bachelor in Paradise Season Finale Part 2: Just Kidding

Bachelor in Paradise Season Finale Recap — Part 2

I don’t know about you, but I was pretty underwhelmed during part two of the Bachelor in Paradise season finale, other than the one dramatic breakup. The best part of the entire episode was Our Host Chris Harrison looking FLY in his grey suite, purple tie, and fresh haircut. He had me shook. Er, I was shooketh. I had the shakes?

Whatever.

Then I woke up this morning to do my radio interview and all hell broke loose over night!

Single mom Amanda has been arrested for domestic battery. Did she fling herself into someone? She’s ninety pounds wet!

In other news, for those of  you who listen to the podcast, Some Guy in Austin and I have been wondering where Baby Bekah has been, since she was supposed to be in Paradise, too. Well thanks to my friend Emily’s text this morning, we now know:

Baby Bekah

THIS IS WHAT WE SHOULD BE DISCUSSING ON AFTER THE ROSE!

And finally, it appears that Jenna is already cheating on Jordan and I feel sorry for him!

What’s next? The strongest couple on the beach Anna and Kamil breaking up?

Well…

KAMIL AND ANNALIESE
Anna saunters up to her beau in a hot pink outfit with a necklace that nestles into her cleavage. She’s so in love and can’t wait to be engaged! She takes the lead at the proposal podium, which is never a good idea, and babbles on a bit about how she’s in love with his soul. She tells him that she knows she’s the one for him and he’s the one for her. Kamil responds by saying something similar to “ditto” before gently breaking the news that he’s not ready for a proposal. He wants their love to blossom outside of Paradise. Anna puts on a brave face and says to the camera, “Maybe in a couple of weeks.”

When Harrison pulls her up onto the hot seat in the studio audience, he asks how things are going. Her answer? Swimmingly. Although she doesn’t have an Uncle Neil ring on her left hand, she knows it’s coming. Kamil joins her on the hot seat and breaks up with her sixty seconds into his spiel. He wants to “slowly part ways.” Does that mean he wants one more erotic night before the old sayōnara? I say you quickly part ways you big Polish chach.

Anna is dumbfounded. I thought Bibiana was going to get up out of her chair and shank Kamil with her spiky high heel. Annaliese is so distraught, she has to leave the stage. She cries buckets of tears off camera and no one goes to check on her.

But then she comes back with the subtle encouragement of Tia on the front row, muttering, “Yes, b!tch. Yes.”

For those of you who don’t know, including my mother, that’s a term of endearment.

She says that Kamil didn’t try hard enough. She’s also pissed that he broke up with her on national TV when yesterday they were talking about spending the week together. Harrison joins in on the fun and asks Kimil why he didn’t end it two days ago. Kamil’s response? He wanted to do it in person. Harrison wisely kicks him off the stage. Kamil is upset that he is once again the resident douchebag.

JORDAN AND JENNA
Jenna is about ready to puke, which makes all the sense in the world now. IT’S CALLED CONVICTION, JENNA! Her sketchy behavior doesn’t stop her from looking fabulous in a navy cocktail dress completely unsuitable for a beach proposal. Also strange? The key hole that was in the front of the dress, smooshing her boobs, with a matching key hole in the back of the dress. A feat of engineering indeed!

Jordan, the male model, wears baggy linen on his big day. Once again, the girl speaks first and Jenna recites her memorized speech. She feels alive again because Jordan slayed her demons. Then he responds by telling her he believes in love at first sight and she’s the only one for him, except for that dude she’s been secretly texting. He drops to one knee and pulls the ring out of his back pocket.

So that’s why his pants are so baggy! Also, she said yes.

However, I hope you marked June 9 in your calendar with a pencil, because something tells me this wedding is officially off. And that makes me sad for Jordan but oddly delighted that Jenna was using him to further advance her career and now she’s a VILLAIN who probably won’t get any work. I wonder how her stomach feels now?

THE GOOSE AND KRYSTAL
Whoever told Goose that it was a good idea to pretend break up before actually proposing is a moron. Worst decision ever. Moreover, he pulls a ring out of his back pocket, but for different reasons than Jordan. His distressed white skinny jeans can’t store a ring up front. It’s the definition of tight spaces. Ain’t nothing going in there.

The Goose is so in love with Krystal that he cries big tears on the studio hot seat because he’s happy. Krystal seems happy too, but their mothers are the most ecstatic of our cast of characters. They are officially BFFs and look forward to flocks of geese in the near future, which should be soon because Goosey and Krystal are moving in together. That’s actually a bold move since long-distance engagements don’t seem to work out in this franchise. The crazy kids who shack up together are the ones who make it!

But the show did leave me with a few questions:

VENMO
OHCH deemed Venmo the new kissing bandit. Then he asked Olivia how things were going with John. Sadly, they broke up a few weeks ago. She’s irritated because he’s throwing his new relationship in her face (when she stalks him on Instagram.) How dare he be hanging out with Chelsea.

WHAAAATTTT?? Tell me more, tell me more!

Nope. Harrison just breezes by this legitimate piece of information like it’s not BRAND NEW INFORMATION. Can we not spend thirty seconds on this? I must know more. TO THE INTERWEB!

ERIC
He’s still looking for his cheese. Disney princess Angela couldn’t care less because someone is dating darling Clay now!

Bachelor in Paradise Season Finale

Something tells me Angela is the winner here…

TIA
Guess what? Tia and Colton are on the same page. Which is the last page that reads, “The end.”

ASTRID
Astrid wants Kevin to give her answers. So he does. He admits that he was scared and brought way too much baggage to Paradise. Figuratively. Not literally. Home slice wore the same t-shirt every episode.

Anyway, Kevin wants to see where this goes since he’s madly in love with her. She kisses him right there on the couch, which makes me believe that this is going straight to Canada.

KENDALL
When Kendall got to the airport after ditching Joe in Mexico, she hopped on a plane at LAX with her dreams and a cardigan. Then she went to Chicago and took the entire camera crew with her to try and win her man back. She knows she made a huge mistake and she wants Joe to know that she’s in love with him. He pretends that he has to think about it, but it took five seconds for them to be traveling back and forth from LA to the Windy City.

When Joe puts his arm around Kendall in the hot seat, all seems right with the world. Then Our Host Chris Harrison throws another log on the fire and tells Grocery Store Joe that he’s secured him a spot on Dancing with the Stars! (We use the term stars in it’s loosest sense of the word.) Joe agrees immediately because he wants to be with his woman and couldn’t care less that his beloved grocery store will more than likely stumble financially without his managerial skills. But who cares about that? He’s a social media influencer now!

Who’s going to watch? My Dancing with the Stars recaps start Monday, September 24! Make sure to tune in!

And hooray for another season of BIP in the books. Pass the hand sanitizer.

Photo By: ABC.com

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Kelli
Kelli

That was such a tool-y thing that Kamil did to Annaliese. Seriously? He could have ended it on one of their “weekends”. If this was producer drive, it was completely a chach move.

American Jordan turned out to be quite likable in BIP. If the news about Jenna is true–she’s a bigger tool than he was on his season. I guess he’s going to be engaged more than once.

Kevin (the dog) had some pretty hilarious reactions to Paradise (Like the time Jordan was babbling about something and he looked at me and just fell over), I think he is still our Bachelor franchise mascot, willing to share his opinions with the masses.

Bring on DWTS (or as I call it–Dancing with who the hell is that). I’ll see if Kevin will engage–maybe Lexi (his sister) will chime in too.

Yank
Yank

Did I hear Annaliese say “she tried to break up 2 weeks ago, but…..” and it seems like that was glossed over. (Orrrrr did I hear that incorrectly?)

BA77
BA77

Nope she said that!

Elizabeth Heydary
Elizabeth Heydary

Yes that was when she said she was giving 90% and he was giving 10% but he promised to step it up and put in more effort so they stayed together. I had a similar relationship with a bf in high school down to the “trying” to break up and him promising to do better.

Dawn
Dawn

At least Kamil didn’t break up with her via text or a Post-It! I think he would have looked like a tool no matter how he did it, but at least he can breathe again. Annaliese was ridiculously clingy!

Rosa
Rosa

They skimmed over a lot last night!! I wanted to know more about Chelsea and John also. And I wish they would have mentioned Angela dating Clay! That’s a success in my book. I kinda think Krystal and Goose will make it. Not so sure about the others although I did see a picture of Kevin and Astrid together in Canada. They seem good for each other. I am not sure about Joe and Kendall. I like them together but they are both odd. Maybe it’ll work! Poor Jordan! Jenna is a fruitcake. And I thought I saw Leo walk down to the stage last night after the show. Was he there or did I dream that???? POOR POOR Annaliese! As if she wasn’t humiliated enough all summer!!!!!!!!!!!

BA77
BA77

Leo was there! He got booed during the introductions and looked all pissed. I was surprised to see him there, actually, after all the sexual harassment reports. I figured if he was there, they would at least talk to him, but they didn’t show ANYTHING with him. Why have him there at all, then? A few others were missing, like Connor and Nyesha…. Weird.

Erin
Erin

Yes, they showed Leo on stage at the beginning but he never spoke. Then later we caught a glimpse of him in the audience. I thought that was odd. Why did none of the girls go comfort poor Annaliese when she left the stage in tears the first time? I’m thinking that producers told Kamil they would give him some serious $$ if he waited to break up with her onstage. And I was oddly invested in Jordan and Jenna!! I wanted them to work more than any of the other couples. Sigh.

BA77
BA77

It’s like the couples we want to work out the most last the shortest amount of time!

Deebee

I feel bad for Jordan now but he was such a prick to Benoit. Sadly now he probably wishes Benoit had stolen his girl.
I cracked up when OHCH said “the evolution of the goose” and must say the crystal goose was too cute.
And what’s up with Chelsea? John doesn’t give her the rose but now she’s facetiming with him? She needs to make an appointment with Kevin’s counselor real quick.

Kelli
Kelli

Or the raccoon that Clare was talking to.

Old Christine
Old Christine

Perhaps Kevin the dog could counsel Chelsea. I’m sure he is smarter than any raccoon.

Kelli
Kelli

He IS smarter than any raccoon and he is available for counseling sessions. He is a good listener and good snorgeler (when he snuggles, he literally gets up in your face and cuddles). However, one word of warning, when Kevin has had enough, he will smack you in the face with his paw, like ENOUGH ALREADY! GET A GRIP!!!!

grace
grace

So you FaceTime someone that you barely knew….so you need counseling?? I think you need counseling.

Old Christine
Old Christine

My 3 sons all went to the technical high school in our city. Our oldest son, who has a sick sense of humor, used to tell his brothers that the first thing you did there in shop class was to make a shiv to shank people with. I always laughed. When I read what you wrote about Bibiana wanting to shank Kamil with her spiky high heel I laughed so hard that my stomach is still hurting. That is your best line ever,Lincee.
Bibiana is just the person for the job too. She is a firecracker and a hoot to watch.
Your recaps are such a pleasure to read every week. Thank you!

Kate
Kate

I can’t believe that I now think Krystal and Chris have the best chance at success! I don’t remember if they showed us the conversation where she told him that if he didn’t shape up and become a nicer person that he would lose her and all of his friends. That certainly seemed to do the trick!

And Chris was the one who did the matchmaking for Angela and Clay!! They are adorable, and she definitely traded up from Eric. It was so uncomfortable to watch Eric try to wiggle his way out of his bad behavior again last night. At least he ended up apologizing to Angela.

I definitely think that the producers encouraged Kamil to break up on stage with Annalise. However, he could have been a lot nicer about it…….some tears, some kind of emotion that demonstrated that he was sad about hurting her. I don’t know why he always seemed so wooden when he talked to her. I do think that she missed major clues about him – she kept talking about proposals in a few weeks, and he was so clearly not on the same page the whole time.

I hope that Kendall realizes what a great guy Joe is, but I just don’t know if she is ready to settle down.

Astrid and Joe were definitely the most level-headed, normal people on BIP this year, and I hope they get their respective happy endings. BTW – I know that Joe was not very chatty on the hot seat at ATFR, but I thought he was quite eloquent when he had his last talk with Kendall.

I’m bummed for Jordan – I don’t think he was faking it. He really grew on me during BIP.

I think Jordan, Chris and Krystal ended up improving their “reputation” on BIP. I would say that Leo, Eric, Kamil and now Jenna have done nosedives!!

forevergreenbeans
forevergreenbeans

Spot on, Kate! Great summary. I agree with everything you said. I too noticed how Joe grew significantly more articulate at the end. He might be a better match for Kendall than we thought. My heart is breaking for poor Jordan.

Fan in AZ
Fan in AZ

Agree with all of this ^^^. So obvious that Kamil was coached (er, bribed) to break up on TV. And then he was sent away by OHCH as the bad guy, when OHCH probably knew it was coming. Annaliese missed a lot of clues from Kamil on the show and after, but she tried to end it with dignity before the show, and Kamil (and producers) robbed her of that. She was collateral damage. Poor girl! So happy for Angela and cute, cute Clay. I’m sure he’ll treat her so well and not lie to get what he wants, like the other guy.

Tracy
Tracy

“Tia and Colton are on the same page. Which is the last page called ‘The End.'”

I seriously LOL’d at that one. 🙂

TigerHoo
TigerHoo

Here is my theory on Kamil and Annaliese: I think Kamil was just in it for the “recreation” in Mexico (and the guaranteed roses in case someone else came along), but he realized after leaving Mexico that Annaliese would never give up on him unless he did act like a complete chach. It’s possible the producers bribed him, but I think he broke up with her on National TV as insurance that she would go away and leave him alone. He was never that into her (I think it was always Annaliese 90/Kamil 20), but he made a mistake not cutting things off more clearly before they left BIP.

Lara
Lara

I think you have a point. I would even say who the heck let Annaliese on there in the first place? I do not have the stomach to watch BIP I just read the recaps (thanks Lincee!!). I would need therapy from Kevin the comfort dog every week if I did. She sounds so sensitive; they basically squeezed every drop of drama they could out of that at her expense and then turned her upside to get one or two more drops. And what about her hometown friends? Friends do not let friends (like Annaliese) go on BIP.