Bachelor in Paradise Season Finale Part 2: Just Kidding
Bachelor in Paradise Season Finale Recap — Part 2
I don’t know about you, but I was pretty underwhelmed during part two of the Bachelor in Paradise season finale, other than the one dramatic breakup. The best part of the entire episode was Our Host Chris Harrison looking FLY in his grey suite, purple tie, and fresh haircut. He had me shook. Er, I was shooketh. I had the shakes?
Then I woke up this morning to do my radio interview and all hell broke loose over night!
Single mom Amanda has been arrested for domestic battery. Did she fling herself into someone? She’s ninety pounds wet!
In other news, for those of you who listen to the podcast, Some Guy in Austin and I have been wondering where Baby Bekah has been, since she was supposed to be in Paradise, too. Well thanks to my friend Emily’s text this morning, we now know:
THIS IS WHAT WE SHOULD BE DISCUSSING ON AFTER THE ROSE!
And finally, it appears that Jenna is already cheating on Jordan and I feel sorry for him!
What’s next? The strongest couple on the beach Anna and Kamil breaking up?
KAMIL AND ANNALIESE
Anna saunters up to her beau in a hot pink outfit with a necklace that nestles into her cleavage. She’s so in love and can’t wait to be engaged! She takes the lead at the proposal podium, which is never a good idea, and babbles on a bit about how she’s in love with his soul. She tells him that she knows she’s the one for him and he’s the one for her. Kamil responds by saying something similar to “ditto” before gently breaking the news that he’s not ready for a proposal. He wants their love to blossom outside of Paradise. Anna puts on a brave face and says to the camera, “Maybe in a couple of weeks.”
When Harrison pulls her up onto the hot seat in the studio audience, he asks how things are going. Her answer? Swimmingly. Although she doesn’t have an Uncle Neil ring on her left hand, she knows it’s coming. Kamil joins her on the hot seat and breaks up with her sixty seconds into his spiel. He wants to “slowly part ways.” Does that mean he wants one more erotic night before the old sayōnara? I say you quickly part ways you big Polish chach.
Anna is dumbfounded. I thought Bibiana was going to get up out of her chair and shank Kamil with her spiky high heel. Annaliese is so distraught, she has to leave the stage. She cries buckets of tears off camera and no one goes to check on her.
But then she comes back with the subtle encouragement of Tia on the front row, muttering, “Yes, b!tch. Yes.”
For those of you who don’t know, including my mother, that’s a term of endearment.
She says that Kamil didn’t try hard enough. She’s also pissed that he broke up with her on national TV when yesterday they were talking about spending the week together. Harrison joins in on the fun and asks Kimil why he didn’t end it two days ago. Kamil’s response? He wanted to do it in person. Harrison wisely kicks him off the stage. Kamil is upset that he is once again the resident douchebag.
JORDAN AND JENNA
Jenna is about ready to puke, which makes all the sense in the world now. IT’S CALLED CONVICTION, JENNA! Her sketchy behavior doesn’t stop her from looking fabulous in a navy cocktail dress completely unsuitable for a beach proposal. Also strange? The key hole that was in the front of the dress, smooshing her boobs, with a matching key hole in the back of the dress. A feat of engineering indeed!
Jordan, the male model, wears baggy linen on his big day. Once again, the girl speaks first and Jenna recites her memorized speech. She feels alive again because Jordan slayed her demons. Then he responds by telling her he believes in love at first sight and she’s the only one for him, except for that dude she’s been secretly texting. He drops to one knee and pulls the ring out of his back pocket.
So that’s why his pants are so baggy! Also, she said yes.
However, I hope you marked June 9 in your calendar with a pencil, because something tells me this wedding is officially off. And that makes me sad for Jordan but oddly delighted that Jenna was using him to further advance her career and now she’s a VILLAIN who probably won’t get any work. I wonder how her stomach feels now?
THE GOOSE AND KRYSTAL
Whoever told Goose that it was a good idea to pretend break up before actually proposing is a moron. Worst decision ever. Moreover, he pulls a ring out of his back pocket, but for different reasons than Jordan. His distressed white skinny jeans can’t store a ring up front. It’s the definition of tight spaces. Ain’t nothing going in there.
The Goose is so in love with Krystal that he cries big tears on the studio hot seat because he’s happy. Krystal seems happy too, but their mothers are the most ecstatic of our cast of characters. They are officially BFFs and look forward to flocks of geese in the near future, which should be soon because Goosey and Krystal are moving in together. That’s actually a bold move since long-distance engagements don’t seem to work out in this franchise. The crazy kids who shack up together are the ones who make it!
But the show did leave me with a few questions:
OHCH deemed Venmo the new kissing bandit. Then he asked Olivia how things were going with John. Sadly, they broke up a few weeks ago. She’s irritated because he’s throwing his new relationship in her face (when she stalks him on Instagram.) How dare he be hanging out with Chelsea.
WHAAAATTTT?? Tell me more, tell me more!
Nope. Harrison just breezes by this legitimate piece of information like it’s not BRAND NEW INFORMATION. Can we not spend thirty seconds on this? I must know more. TO THE INTERWEB!
He’s still looking for his cheese. Disney princess Angela couldn’t care less because someone is dating darling Clay now!
Something tells me Angela is the winner here…
Guess what? Tia and Colton are on the same page. Which is the last page that reads, “The end.”
Astrid wants Kevin to give her answers. So he does. He admits that he was scared and brought way too much baggage to Paradise. Figuratively. Not literally. Home slice wore the same t-shirt every episode.
Anyway, Kevin wants to see where this goes since he’s madly in love with her. She kisses him right there on the couch, which makes me believe that this is going straight to Canada.
When Kendall got to the airport after ditching Joe in Mexico, she hopped on a plane at LAX with her dreams and a cardigan. Then she went to Chicago and took the entire camera crew with her to try and win her man back. She knows she made a huge mistake and she wants Joe to know that she’s in love with him. He pretends that he has to think about it, but it took five seconds for them to be traveling back and forth from LA to the Windy City.
When Joe puts his arm around Kendall in the hot seat, all seems right with the world. Then Our Host Chris Harrison throws another log on the fire and tells Grocery Store Joe that he’s secured him a spot on Dancing with the Stars! (We use the term stars in it’s loosest sense of the word.) Joe agrees immediately because he wants to be with his woman and couldn’t care less that his beloved grocery store will more than likely stumble financially without his managerial skills. But who cares about that? He’s a social media influencer now!
Who’s going to watch? My Dancing with the Stars recaps start Monday, September 24! Make sure to tune in!
And hooray for another season of BIP in the books. Pass the hand sanitizer.