Bachelor Matt James Recap: White Splatter Paint Wedding
Bachelor Matt James Recap | Episode 2 |
We discovered a lot of interesting information during last night’s episode of Matt James’ season. First, faith is important to our bachelor, and surprisingly, Mike Fleiss has yet to leave details of this reality on the cutting room floor. I find this interesting. Second, Queen Victoria and her blatant over-the-top attitude and sabotaging behavior will be the reason we all utilize the fast forward option on our screens during upcoming episodes.
And finally, like most wealthy, health-conscious people in the world, Matt James bought a Peleton bike during quarantine and has used its features wisely to help sculpt his taught buttocks.
Ride on, Matt James. Ride on.
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you follow on TicTok happens to know, sort of know personally, or is friends with the local Starbucks barista who’s obsessed with Bridgerton and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show — none of this is personal. I’m sure they are all lovely people.
In case you didn’t catch it, Pennsylvania is the perfect place to fall in love. Everyone thinks so, including Our Host Chris Harrison who approaches our gaggle of ladies looking like he just wrapped a romantic advertisement for Nemacolin Luxury Resort on the eighteenth hole of the Mystic Rock golf course. He gives props to Abigail for securing the first impression rose, relishes the fake smiles and giggling responses, and then pulls the first date card from his Peleton-formed back jeans pocket.
“Love is an Adventure”
I feel like Bri’s date collectively lasts eleven minutes. At one point, I’m puzzled why she ties her sweater over one shoulder and under the armpit of the other shoulder, securely knotting said cardigan betwixt her boobs like a Scottish tartan sash. Tell me, young people of the Internet, is this a trend that I need to squash like the Mom jean? Or is Bri attempting to cover up a coffee spill or jelly donut stain from breakfast?
Anyway, one minute I’m fascinated by her layering choices, and the next minute she’s on the ground, splattered in mud, thanks to an ATV tipping over onto its side.
This is literally how people die, and I hope Matt James was genuine when he apologizes to Bri’s mom on national television for putting her daughter’s life in danger. Of course, when Matt fishtails through the mud and the muck, they both careen into the filth as the recreational vehicle tips onto its side. Bri is a pocket-person and weighs slightly more than a garden fairy. She makes zero contributions to the gravity factor in Newton’s free fall formula.
I have no idea if what I said makes any sense, but I’m going with it. Thank you, Sheldon Cooper and The Big Bang Theory.
Once Matt James confirms that all of Bri’s appendages are in working order, he removes his muddied shirt for some light lumberjacking. Someone’s been watching Win a Date with Tad Hamilton! He splits a few pieces of pine, pops them into the wood fire burning hot tub, and lowers himself into the steamy water with a presumably topless Bri. They make out big time, and we all comment on their chemistry.
Bri continues with the no-bra look at dinner as she saunters to the table wearing a silky white slip. Her black leather biker jacket is not tied between her boobs.
She and Matt James have everything in common. They practically finish each other’s sentences, including how they both found themselves gravitating toward friends who had big families and strong parental units. Bri’s mom had her when she was thirteen. THIRTEEN. And now her mom has found a new man, is pregnant with a child and is starting a new family. Bri wants a different life for herself. She’s ready to find her one true love.
This is what we call deep dinner conversation for date one. Bri has officially set the vulnerability bar for the entire roster of ladies. “What’s your favorite part about your job?” and “Do you like Mumford & Sons?” will not suffice.
These ladies have to go big and go deep. Fast.
Matt James promises that he’s “ten toes down.” Since this is the second time this phrase has popped up, my friend (and social media our / Disney expert) Stephanie decides, like the Cardigan Tartan Sash, we must learn if this is a saying we must introduce into our vocabulary. So she does a little digging.
“Kulture Hub” explains that ten toes down means a person is concerned about humility, toughness, and integrity. The article teaches us that if we use this expression, we can “make honest sexy again.”
Meanwhile, Matt James and Bri stand alongside a waterfront railing as fireworks burst in the sky. His six-foot-five stature hunches down to her vertically challenged frame, and they make out.
The fireworks clearly indicate to the other ladies that a rose has been extended to Bri. This makes Queen Victoria irritated. Therefore, heads must roll. She generally complains to the group that SHE is authentic and real, and everyone else is fake. Plus, everyone has been insulting her character, which is not okay. She zeroes in on her roommate MaryLynn, claiming she was rude earlier. No matter how many times MaryLynn tries to defend herself, Queen Victoria has a sharp comeback that leaves most women dazed.
It’s day one, and already has been deemed “psychologically disturbed” and “an idiot.”
“I’m Looking for the One”
Matt James roams through flora and fauna in a sweet tuxedo. Eighteen women spy him, and each takes a turn jumping into his arms and hugging him tightly. Matt James announces that the women need to scoot over to one of the private estate living rooms to choose a wedding gown for an upcoming engagement photoshoot, shot by none other than the infamous Franco!
The women have ten minutes to get dressed, and most can drown out Queen Victoria’s loud interjections over the selection of tiaras. Sadly, since all her focus is on a sparkly crown, Queen Victoria is stuck with an ill-fitting dress that showcases the lacier parts of her black lingerie.
Franco calls Jessenia, Serena P., and Mari forward for their intimate photoshoot as the other girls stand and watch. Queen Victoria takes matters into her own claws and waltzes up during Mari’s time. Does she tap her on the shoulder with a Pavelka like Katie did on night one? Nope. She inserts herself into the picture, forcing Franco to scold her for not waiting her turn.
Franco is no match for Queen V. Once Mari is done. She calls for the “royal wedding” photographer to capture a special moment on camera. Vic hikes up her leg, pulls the cheap fabric of her gown, and instructs our bachelor to remove the garter from her thigh. Then she attacks him.
Our Host walks up to interrupt this awful moment. Matt James throws Hare a grateful glance while politely handing the garter back to Queen Victoria. Harrison reminds the ladies that Matt James is looking for a woman who will fight for him. So the producers have set up a Hunger Games Thunderdome obstacle course in the woods to see who will do anything and everything for Matt James’ love.
What are the rules? It’s hard to say. I’m not sure Chris Harrison knows. Big Pauly certainly doesn’t, and if we watch the film back on the chaos that ensued in the forest, none of the women have any idea what’s going on either.
There are two teams. And there is one goal — to capture a rather large plush pillow heart. But the buckets of Sherwin-Williams and the wedding cakes lying around are all a bit of a puzzle. Most women throw handfuls of primary colors of paint and buttercream frosting at each other. No one really defends the actual hearts, which is why Mari can easily grab one. Six opponents descend on her immediately, screaming like banshees.
This is the moment MJ literally walks over to the other heart and takes it, willing a victory for her own team. Because Mari actually lays hands on the other team’s heart, she is given a free pass to join the winners at the after-party. The rest of the broken, exhausted, splatter-painted women are sent home to whine and complain about how life isn’t fair.
Matt James has a fine time with the champions and forms a sweet connection with Lauren. When asked what she wants in a partner, Lauren immediately answers, “A man of faith.” They both agree that they rarely lead off in a relationship that they are Christians because it usually turns people off, but this is a different scenario. Matt James likes that Lauren grounds their first one-on-one time with this claim.
Jessenia takes her vulnerability in a different direction. She cries. I’m not a fan of tears this early in the game, but infidelity has been an issue for her in the past, and she wants Matt James to know that she will not stand for it.
Matt James: “You have nothing to worry about with me.”
Jessenia: “I’m so glad. Thank you.”
Lincee: “Now don’t get upset when you see him kissing all these other girls tonight, mkay?”
Queen Victoria uses her time to state the most obvious fact: she has trouble with insecurities. She’s worried about looking too fat and that her personality is too bold. Matt James encourages her to be who she is on the inside and reminds her that she is beautiful. Then she asks for a kiss, and we all groan.
A few folks are surprised when Matt James asks for a private audience with Lauren. He gives her the date rose, kisses her gently, then bids the women adieu. Queen Victoria asks Lauren in front of the group, “So what made you vibe with him enough to give you that rose?”
Lauren doesn’t say it out loud, but the answer is Jesus.
SECOND ONE-ON-ONE DATE
“Let’s Let Our Love Soar”
I was more surprised by Sarah’s high-waisted jeans and crop top than I was by the 1930s biplane landing on the airstrip out behind the estate. The plane was so tiny and resembled something the Wright Brothers tested once upon a time.
You can tell Sarah, and Matt James are both nervous. Of course, the ABC Intern forgets to give Sarah a hair tie, and neither of them has goggles, but that doesn’t deter them from waving at the other ladies as the pilot requests a flyby over the Nemacolin.
Once they land safely, Matt James tries to get Sarah to open up about her family, but he can tell that she is struggling with something. Later that night at dinner, Sarah shares that her father has ALS, and she quit her job as a journalist to help be his caretaker.
It is a difficult conversation, and Sarah’s situation physically pains Matt James. He offers to add her dad onto his prayer list before asking, “What can I do through this experience to show you I could be someone you want in your life?”
What. In. The. World. Who is this guy and where can I get one?
Sarah is smitten and willing to make out with Matt James in another hot tub wearing a teeny tiny leopard bikini.
Sarah is one to watch. In my podcast, I opine if she is a villain in sheep’s 80s-themed clothing. It seems that she cries an awful lot this season, so I assume that she is one of those girls who can’t get along with other women. However, I think she may be in Victoria’s crosshairs. Therefore, she has reason to fall apart if she doesn’t have the emotional capacity to face the queen head-on. We shall see.
Side Note: Is Sarah the doppelgänger of Alexis on Schitt’s Creek?
Right out of the gate, Matt James makes a beeline for Abigail, and they act all adorable together. Abigail even comes up with a cute “tug my earring” gimmick to let Matt James know she’s thinking of him, even when she can’t be with him alone. So freaking cute.
Rachael also navigates some alone time, making sure Matt James knows (and also confirms) that there is “something” there between them. She also makes her dress out of a gothic person’s draperies.
MaryLynn is one to watch, too, but not in a flying below the radar kind of way. We have to see how long it takes for her head to land on a stick in front of the Nemacolin gates.
You see, at first, Matt James affirms her entire being by both remembering her name and bestowing her a potted orchid, which is her favorite flower. MaryLynn cries, then parades the gift around, delicately flaunting it in the face of anyone who will notice.
Enter Queen Victoria. Clearly, Matt James must understand that MaryLynn is toxic, and she must fill him in on her former roommate’s antics. She begins by throwing Matt James, of all people, under the bus for brushing over some things in their earlier conversation about how hard it is to live in the house. You see, it’s not girl drama, per se, but MaryLynn’s ability to manipulate all situations with her tears.
Matt James motions for the ABC Intern to come over and whispers in his ear.
Matt James: “Who is MaryLynn again?”
ABC Intern: “You gave her the orchid the producers told me to take from the bathroom, sir.”
Matt James: “Ah, yes. Thank you, my good man.”
Matt James is just as much appalled by MaryLynn’s behavior as I am with Queen Victoria’s floral-patterned ruching dress she acquired from my closet in 1989. It didn’t work for me at the eighth-grade honor society induction, and it doesn’t work for Queen Victoria at the rose ceremony. Especially the part where her bra is exposed in the back.
Victoria shares her outrage with any group of women she can find. They all find Vic’s description of MaryLynn’s behavior odd, and unlike anything they’ve ever witnessed in the twenty-four hours they’ve known and loved her.
Of course, Matt James asks MaryLynn about the allegations. And this officially hinders half the women from having any alone time with our bachelor. The nerve.
MaryLynn asks for a private audience with Queen Victoria, and she refuses because it’s so cold outside. The women sitting on the couch all leave because this is about to get hella awkward. MaryLynn asks to sit beside Queen Vic, and she instructs the woman to sit across from her. When MaryLynn doesn’t listen, Victoria gets up from her perch on the couch and moves to the other side so she can “look her in the face.”
Victoria interrupts, argues, manipulates, and pummels MaryLynn to a pulp using nothing but her words. Yes, they are “oil and vinegar,” and her court is nothing but “gestures,” but Queen Victoria gets the last word, claiming MaryLynn bullied her, and the sooner Matt James gets rid of her, the better.
Again. It’s night one, people.
Along with Lauren, Bri, and Sarah, Matt hands out a few roses first to middle-of-the-pack contenders, including Pieper, Kit, and Magi. He extends a few more to Rachael, Abigail, Chelsea, Jessenia, and Katie just as Sarah falls back from her spot on the podium.
She doesn’t bite it, but it does take Bri helping her off the stands before she slumps onto the ground claiming to see stars. Matt rushes over to check on things as Queen Victoria calculates the coordinates of the target she just placed on Sarah’s back.
TO BE CONTINUED flashes across the screen, and I realize that because Matt James is so normal, and most of his suitors are sweet women, we are left with Queen Victoria to offer any dramatic plotlines this season.
Long live the queen.