Bachelor Matt Recap: Cinderella Story
Bachelor Matt Recap | Week 5 |
It’s time for the mean girls to hit the road. We no longer wear pink on Wednesdays. Nothing is fetch. Regina George has left the building.
This is what we call “cleaning house,” and Matt James has zero qualms about showing both Anna and Queen Victoria exactly where their ridiculous behavior will lead them. Spoiler: the answer is outside of the Neapolitan boarders, sans rose, and an unlikely social media sponsorship with FabFitFun.
And I loved every second of it.
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you follow on TicTok happens to know, sort of know personally, or is friends with the local Starbucks barista who’s obsessed with Bridgerton and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show — none of this is personal. I’m sure they are all lovely people.
The episode’s opening moments provide a helpful recap of the rift between the “new girls” and “the OGs.” There are several clips of MJ shouting this specific battle cry on various occasions. FYI, this will come to bite her in the butt later in the show.
ABC also reminds us that Anna straight-up calls Brittany an escort, addresses her alleged life choices in front of all the other girls, and then proceeds to spread the rumors to everyone with a pulse.
Finally, we see Katie telling Matt James that the house is toxic and that he needs to control his women before someone burns down the chateau.
Matt James listens to Katie and addresses the gathering of women before the rose ceremony even starts. He stands in the same place where he led the ladies in a prayer mere weeks ago and calmly chastises the culture of bullying that has been introduced into the fold. He doesn’t like the old versus new language. The rumors are life-altering. If they have to belittle someone else to make themselves shine, then Matt James doesn’t think he wants you as a potential wife.
Matt James stares down each lady before asking Brittany for a private audience. The tears begin falling before he wraps a long, lean arm around her waist, sweeping her away to a secluded alcove nearby.
Anna senses instantly that she is done. She understands the gravity of her words. As she stands there shocked, MJ strides up beside her and demands that Anna seek Matt James out to make him feel better. MJ believes that Anna needs to rip the Band-Aid and take responsibility for her actions. It’s the smart thing to do.
It’s also called damage control. FROM MJ’s PERSPECTIVE. Remember, she’s the one who adopted the Varsity vs. JV language. Yet, it’s clear that she hopes Anna’s insistence on telling everyone about Brittany’s day job will eclipse her silly labels that were all in good fun.
After Matt James consoles Brittany and promises her that he will never allow a toxic environment to infiltrate the Neapolitan walls, he pinpoints Anna’s location. The fact that she looks like a human disco ball makes his plight easier.
On rose ceremony days, we wear silver rhinestones.
Anna bypasses any hints of defensive language and immediately falls on her sword. She made a mistake. She’s sad and upset with herself for making that offhanded comment.
Webster’s Dictionary defines offhand comment as, “A remark that is made without previous thought or preparation.”
Do you think Anna is referring to the offhand comment she made when she told Victoria that Brittany had transactional relationships with men? Or the time when she asks Brittany about “being an escort, or whatever,” in front of the entire group of women at the previous rose ceremony? Or the time she told Katie that Brittany entertained men in exchange for money?
Matt James keeps a cool face. Because he’s the nicest guy on the planet, he doesn’t even ask Anna to explain further when she slyly lets it slip how she received several concerning social media messages about Brittany before she came on the show. He just lets her wallow, gently assuring her that she’s not a horrible person. We’ve all said things we wish we didn’t say.
But she does need to take responsibility for her words and her actions. Therefore, he must do the same and walk her to the rejection SUV since she will no longer be a part of his journey to find love.
Anna cries and cries and cries on the couch. Now, there wasn’t any evidence of actual tears or anything resembling moisture falling from her eyes, but it doesn’t matter. That damage is done.
I wonder who will take over the Burn Book? Or if Brittany knows the Kälteen Bars Anna gave her will make her gain weight?
When the other OGs spy Matt James steering Anna to the exit, a flurry of anxiety washes over them. Suddenly fifteen women frantically volley for time with the newbies, so they can properly apologize for any hurt feelings from the previous forty-eight hours. To quote Serena C, “I can’t even explain the kiss a$$ery.”
Kit sweeps an “I’m sorry, and I’ll do better” to the group as a whole. Victoria makes sure everyone understands that she said nothing out of malicious intent. How no one laughs in her face is a miracle. Serena P. wants the newbies to know that she was never part of the bullying group and was proud to sit with the weirdos at the lunch table.
Newbie Ryan doesn’t buy any of it. Where were these “I’m sorry” interjections days ago? None of it seems sincere.
Newsflash, Ryan. It’s not sincere.
When Matt James pulls Ryan away, she melts into a puddle of tears. Our bachelor thinks it’s because of the pressure of being a newbie and is overwhelmed when Ryan confesses that Queen Victoria called her a ho just because she’s a dancer. And then she laughed in her face!
This is dumb because everyone knows Ryan would be so fetch as one of the “Jingle Bell Rock” performers since dancing is her profession. Now, what are they going to do?
Later, Victoria wisely determines that if Anna was kicked out of the house for calling someone an escort, her name is probably on the lips of the newbies, who are being picked off one-by-one for alone time with Matt James. She approaches Ryan, asking rather abruptly what they talked about.
Ryan admits that she brought up Victoria’s name to Matt James and Victoria walks away from Ryan in the middle of her sentence so she can hyperventilate in the women’s restroom like a normal mean girl. Through the closed door, we hear Victoria wonder out loud to her handler how any of these other fake girls could ever be Matt James’ wife. SHE IS PERFECT FOR HIM.
Then she adjusts her boobs, so they don’t fall out of her unfortunate dress. How her undergarments manage to peek out from the back end of the dress and not the front part is a mystery. Is her Spanx bodysuit on backward?
Matt James finds Victoria, and he rambles on about how Katie describes the toxicity in the house and how he was curious to learn that Victoria’s name was attached to it. Then to hear Ryan exclaim, Victoria called her a ho? He doesn’t know what to do with that information.
Vic: “That was taken out of context.”
Matty: “In what context is it okay to call someone a ho?”
I might have stood up and applauded.
Our Host Chris Harrison walks in and informs the women that the cocktail party is over and that heads are about to roll. Victoria spins out of control, carrying her stilettos in one hand while weeping down the hallways, trying to find someone who cares. She hates every fiber of Katie and Ryan’s being, and if Matt James doesn’t give her a rose, she will literally die.
Doubtful. I’m sure there’s a disclaimer in the contract that forbids contestants from literally dying.
Michelle, Bri, and Pieper already have roses and have wisely kept their mouths shut for most of the night. In the act of “SUCK IT, ORIGINALS,” Matt James first gives roses to newbies Brittany and Ryan.
Message received, kind sir.
He then follows up with Rachael, Serena P., Magi, Kit, MJ, Jessenia, Katie, Abigail, Chelsea, and Serena C.
That means newbie Catalina, Mari, Lauren, and Victoria are out. The Queen stalks up to Matt James and viciously spews, “I honestly feel sorry for you.” Then she refuses to hug him good-bye while trying to convince the camera crew that all the girls in the house will be super sorry to see her go.
And that, dear reader, was the first twenty minutes.
“Our Fairy Tale Begins Today”
Our Host Chris Harrison walks in looking as if someone woke him, and he had to quickly dress in whatever was haphazardly flung on a chair in his bedroom. Or maybe he never went to sleep? Perhaps he frequents the cigar bar at the club, reminiscing about the days when he used to get free trips to far off exotic places, having only to wear a tux one time and utter the words, “Ladies, this is the final rose.”
Ah, the good old days.
Hare reminds the ladies that each moment with Matt James is a gift. They should use their time wisely. Then he drops a date card.
It’s the Cinderella date, and if you’ve listened to the IHGB podcast for the last couple of years, you’ll remember that Some Guy in Austin’s theory is that the one who scores this particular date is traditionally the woman who is chosen in the end. It does seem Matt James is smitten with Rachael, especially learning what we learn during dinner.
But first, a Pretty Woman montage of Rachael trying on tons of clothes. Were some horrific? Sure. Did the pumpkin orange one make my brow furrow? Of course, it did. Did I like the red dress she ended up choosing, even though ruching fabric is an act of the devil? Indeed.
It hand billowy wings, people.
The producers are quick to gather all the girls in the main area, just in time for Rachael to come waddling into the room carrying fifty-seven packages from her shopping spree at the Neapolitan boutique. Her wings billow behind her as she settles into the couch. The women are extremely jealous. Not only because Rachael lands such an amazing date, but because she is clearly in love. Her face proves it.
Then she casually lifts her dainty foot to reveal a nude pair of Louboutins, and the girls go nuts. Faces turn the exact shade of crimson that famously line the bottom of those costly heels. The mood is further darkened when a butler of sorts arrives with a huge box holding the gorgeous royal blue gown Cinderella will wear to the ball.
DAGGERS! So many feelings. Pieper thinks she’s falling behind. Abigail doesn’t know why she was given the first impression rose and then never got a one-on-one. Katie is upset that Rachael is dating “her Matt.”
And everyone wants the Loubs.
That night at dinner, Matt James, wearing a velvet jacket the same blue hue as Rachael’s gown, asks Rachael why she’s never been in love before. Her answer? Because she’s never felt deserving. In fact, she’s sure Matt James is out of her league.
This simple, sweet answer endears her to him. So much so that even though her chest is breaking out in major red hives, Rachel lets Matt James know that she is falling in love with him. The butterflies have not gone away since night one.
Matt James admits that she’s “pulling him in” and then tells Rachael that he is falling in love with her, too. The feelings are mutual.
Remember the days when this sentiment was forbidden from uttering in any bachelor franchise environment? My how times have changed.
I blame COVID.
“Love Can Be Messy”
I get it. I completely understand why Chelsea turns her nose up to a date that consists of raking manure from a horse stall, collecting eggs from aggressive chickens, and milking goats that are not in the mood for milking.
MJ thinks that you have to be bold in group settings, so she has no trouble volunteering to do all the things. Most of the girls think she’s pretending to fear barnyard fowl, since she has no problem giggling with Matt James who saves her from belligerent poultry.
When Matt James tosses MJ an egg, it breaks in her hands. She makes a move to wipe the yolk onto his jacket, but he sprints away like lighting, which is hella attractive to all the ladies watching. MJ skitters off to find him and is mortified when she discovers that he ran straight into Pieper’s standup video session. Like the chickens, he aggressively goes after Pieper — tongue first. They make out big time.
It is awkward on all accounts. Pieper doesn’t know what to do with herself, yet she’s so happy. Matt James feels weird, yet he still goes for it. MJ feels like a goat kicked her in the trachea. And all the ladies turn a weird shade of grey when she explains that Matt James is currently making out with Pieper and the entire camera crew behind the barn.
All the girls cry at the cocktail party, excluding Chelsea, who looks like Cruella de Ville in a huge white fur coat. Hide the Dalmatian puppies, Farmer Todd! Matt James takes her outside for some alone time, reminding Chelsea that he’s glad she’s here. That’s when I notice they have the same hair cut.
Abigail gets a bit teary when she shares a story about her father leaving once her sister received her cochlear implants. Matt James understands what it’s like to be raised by a single mother. And he’s sensitive to the other information Abigail shares — that there is a good chance her children may be deaf, too.
Michelle cries because it’s hard seeing Matt James interact with other women. It will take practice getting used to it. Matt James promises that she did not misjudge their connection.
And then there’s MJ. She’s feeling fabulous and gushing confidence. Then Matt James says her name came up as an antagonist in the house against the outsiders.
MJ’s hair almost goes straight with anger. She pulls it together enough to let Matt James know that this is false information, and she leads by example with peace and harmony. Matt James smiles and then moves on to allow another crying woman to lean on his broad shoulders.
MJ heads back to the group of women gathered together and insists that whoever told Matt James that she was an antagonist needs to speak up immediately. Her character has been called into question, and she is not having it. Be a woman and speak directly to her, so this doesn’t fester out of control.
That’s when Jessenia answers that Matt James asked her about the culture in the house, and she honestly answered that MJ was an instigator of the Varsity / JV movement.
Are we still talking about this?!
This instigates a mighty she said /she said war between the two women. MJ shouts that she leads by example! Jessenia calmly states that her claim doesn’t make sense when her behavior doesn’t match what she says.
MJ demands an apology. Jessenia doesn’t see why she should apologize. Especially when MJ didn’t own up to the fact that she does possess the Burn Book with all the newbies’ faces scratched out with OPI candy apple red nail polish. She should own up to her faults.
MJ quickly asks the ABC Intern for a picture of Jessenia, and a glue stick as Matt James gives his date rose to Abigail.
“Dinner At My Place?”
Bless Matt James’ heart, he is Swiffering in anticipation for his cooking date with Kit. How precious is that I ask you?
I admit wholeheartedly that I didn’t pay much attention to this date. I was heavily distracted by their height difference and wondered aloud if Kit needed a small stool to boost the homemade pan of chocolate chip cookies into the very high oven. It gave me a sense of glee because I have a small purple stool next to the very high microwave that I utilize for stirring the contents of my bowl of melting Rotel cheese dip.
Although I’m not 21-years-old, I don’t have a famous mother, and I don’t use an eyeliner pen to give myself cat eyes, Kit and I are the same in that regard.
Matt James says that being with Kit is natural. He can easily see himself with her. She, on the other hand, is all-in and is already falling in love. Matt James gives her the rose, and they make out.
OMINOUS DOOR KNOCK
Who knew that a knock on the door could produce such turmoil and drama? The girls have done the math. There are no more date cards. This can only be bad news.
Bri fetches the card. She looks grave. She takes a deep breath before reading out loud, “MJ and Jessenia. I need to know the truth. Meet me at the cocktail party before the women arrive.”
MJ wastes no time changing into her black 80s power suit, complete with bold brass buttons and massive shoulder pads. She throws every ounce of shade toward Jessenia, who isn’t fazed by this news at all. They ride in an SUV together over to the rose ceremony staging area, and the producers put them in a room facing each other.
After approximately sixty seconds of silence, MJ launches into Jessenia with an over-the-top, “THIS IS EMBARRASSING.” She lashes out at the woman across from her, chastising her for saying her name and questioning her character. In case you forgot, MJ preaches peace and harmony. And now, her relationship is in jeopardy.
Jessenia calmly reminds her that Matt James knows the truth. MJ started the JV/Varsity terminology, and he will definitely know the truth by the end of the night. Additionally, Jessenia recalls that MJ lied to Matt James even if it was a failure to admit the truth.
MJ: “I guess he will find out the truth tonight.”
Jess: “He’ll find out the truth when this airs.”
I love this show. So much.