Bachelor Mesnick Finale Recap: Just Kidding

It’s been an interesting season to say the least.  The most dramatic for sure.  I shall miss the ramblings of Stalker Shannon, the carefree wardrobe choices from Stephanie, and words of bleach blond wisdom from Natalie.  This show single handedly brought back neck scarves, side pony tails and hula hoops.  What other reality show can say that? 

So where do I stand with the conclusion?  Let me assure you, I’ll get to that later on.  Right now, let’s discuss Monday night in detail.

Melissa Meets the Mesnicks

Jason decides that he’s ready to throw his kid a bone and spend some time with him on the beaches of New Zealand.  He asks the ABC Intern to pull the tape from Stephanie’s reunion with little Sophie and straight up copies the whole moment, right down to the wallowing in the wet sand.  He then tells little Ty that there are going to be two strange women hanging around for the next few hours and they are Daddy’s special friends.  And then he prepares them for the possibility of barnyard animals.  Ty looks just as confused as we did.

Melissa arrives first.  She runs down a lush, green, New Zealand meadow into the loving embrace with Jason.  He picks her up and twirls her.  She wraps her legs around him.  They decide to sit on the side of the road in the middle of said meadow and talk about the pending meeting with Ty.  Melissa is worried that this will make or break her.  Jason encourages her to just be herself as they head to the golf course. 

Note to reader:  ABC producers chose Melissa for the golf course play date because they were afraid Molly would become too competitive and Ty would somehow leave the nineth hole without his pants.  And that’s just creepy. 

Almost immediately, Ty is sucked in to Melissa’s kindergarten teacher ways with one knock-knock joke and is high fiving her on the putting green.  Jason says that they built a bond within minutes and therefore trusts Melissa to be alone with Ty while he runs to get a surprise.  Ty never really notices that he is alone with a stranger, because Gary the camera man is there too, and Ty is waaaaayyyy used to seeing him around.  Just as the little guy begins to get anxious, wondering aloud where his surprise is, our Bachelor shows up with a little lamb.

Huh.  Anyone else think this was extremely random?

Ty grabs the lamb’s mouth and babbles on about wanting him to talk.  I’m going out on a limb to assume Charlotte’s Web was showing on the airplane to New Zealand, but whatever.  Luckily, Melissa is able to regurgitate a joke from a Laffy Taffy wrapper about a sheep and Ty dissolves into a fit of giggles.  She totally could have whipped something out about a cow, kitten, and chicken crossing the road if needed.  She’s full of them. 

Back at the compound, Jason’s family is ready to put Melissa through the wringer.  Jason’s brothers are irritated and complain about how DDAHnna is a terrible person and they don’t want to see Jason hurt again.  Melissa says that wherever Jason is — is where her heart is and they seem okay with that answer.

The brothers also talk about how Jason didn’t meet Melissa’s family.  Mom perks up and wonders what is wrong with Melissa’s parents.  Melissa says that they have been misrepresented.  They are really happy people.  One of the brothers says that Jason may not propose since he didn’t get to ask the Dad for his daughter’s hand. 

Melissa:  “You guys seem really cynical.”
Brothers:  “No duh.  This show sucks and we don’t want to go through another heartbreak.  I get embarrassed when Jason cries all the time.”

Melissa:  “Am I scared to move to Seattle?  No.”
Brothers:  “That’s what that DD chick said too.  And we all know how that turned out.  Jason crying in a rejection limo with grass stains on one knee.  What about being stepmom to Ty?  Have you thought about that?  Are you prepared for what can happen in a three-year-old world?  Do you know any knock-knock jokes?”

Melissa:  “Knock, knock.”
Brothers:  “Who’s there?”

Melissa:  “Boo.”
Brothers:  “Boo who?”
Melissa:  “Stop crying like your brother!  That kid already loves me.  I’m golden!”

As if on cue (surprise, surprise) Ty busts out of the compound onto the back porch and races in a circle around the table the trio are sitting at and chants that he wants to play with Mel. 

Meanwhile, the cute Dad delivers a beautiful Hallmark moment to Jason about how it’s his time in life to be happy.  He tells him that he sees a sparkle back in Jason’s eyes.  Jason cries.

We hear a voiceover from Jason as he longingly looks out the window at his family and Melissa recreating Wrestlemania IV in the backyard. 

Jason:  “Mel is amazing.  When she looks, touches, and holds me, there’s not a better feeling in the world.  And she clearly understands the importance of knowing how to correctly execute The Sleeper.  And I’m sort of turned on that she chose to be the Ultimate Warrior because that florescent paint looks great on her.”

Jason turns to the intern and asks if the paint is edible. 

Molly Meets the Mesnicks

Later that day (this we know because Jason was wearing the same outfit), Jason greets Molly as she exits the black sedan.  Embrace.  Twirl.  Kiss.  You know the drill.  He escorts her down to the beach where Ty is waiting with Gary the camera guy.  What we don’t see is that Gary, who has been given tips from the ABC Psychotherapist, is using modeling clay exercises to help Ty explain his feelings and how the past few months have been very strange.  This is why Ty was in a somber mood when he first meets Mol.

I have to say that I wished…out loud…that he would call her Melissa.  But he didn’t. 

Molly’s voice goes up a couple of octaves and her eyes widen a little more as she greets Ty who is brooding at the picnic table.  Jason encourages him to say hello or give Mol a high five but Ty is having none of it.  Jason asks the ABC Intern to go fetch him a turtle or something, but he is forced to throw a Frisbee instead.  Ty only throws with his Dad at first, but soon warms up to Molly.  It’s out of fear mostly, because she will not have a stepson who can’t catch a Frisbee.  She comes from a long line of WINNERS and he WILL learn how to CATCH now CATCH IT!

Opting for something a little less stressful, the three go to the water’s edge to look for beach rings.  Then they all roll up their pants and jump waves.  Seriously…if you saw the Stephanie/Sophia date at the beach, you saw this one. 

Mol:  “It was like we were a little family on vacation in New Zealand.  I would love to do this when we are married.  I’m not quite sure if Jason has a job, but mine takes me anywhere.  We could come here once a quarter and have a picnic.  I’m sure the nanny wouldn’t mind packing one up for us.  Maybe I can hire that intern to be my personal assistant or something.  Or maybe Hare will send us somewhere for free!  I’m just looking forward to our sixteen minutes of fame.  We have to beat Trista and Ryan.  Maybe if I get pregnant right away.  That would be ideal.  And a TV wedding?  One can only dream!  But I refuse to have pink and blue sand at my ceremony.  That’s tacky.  Can I borrow your phone to see if the Club is available this June?”

Molly is also nervous about meeting the Mesnicks.  She sucks up right away and blabs on about how Jason’s world is Ty and she finds that so refreshing.  The Mesnicks ask if she is ready to be a Mom and Molly ironically answers that her family is okay with it.

Molly:  “My Daddy is the most important person in my life.  He told me that I never looked so happy.  Well, I usually look this way when I’m about to say GIN RUMMY or birdie a really hard shot.  It didn’t surprise them at all that I like Jason.  It’s because I’m a winner that they are so excited.  I’m in love with Jason too.  I’ve told him this.”

Mr. Mesnick:  “You play golf?”
Molly:  “Very well, sir.”
Mr. Mesnick:  “Welcome to the family.”

Outside, the brothers give Molly the same song and dance they gave Melissa.

Brothers:  “We are tired of seeing our brother get hurt.  He cries way too much.  Would this bother you?  Being the ‘man’ in the relationship?”
Molly:  “I’m very secure in saying that I am in love with Jason.  All I can ask is for you to trust me.”

Brothers:  “But you seem like you are the type of girl who would go out to the bar and hustle people for money at the pool table.  Maybe play some quarters for fun.  Are you ready to always be in the house and never go out?”
Molly:  “I’m looking for something deeper and want to settle down.”

Brothers:  “Are you going to get him to stop crying all the time?”
Molly:  “I’m already working on that.”

Back in the front yard, Jason feels that the best place to talk with his Mom is sitting on the grass with a blanket overlooking the sunset.  Nice natural lighting.  Could we have not drug a bench or something for Mom?  She clearly had trouble getting up and down, but whatever.

They talk about how Molly is career oriented and how he can’t get enough of her.  Then they talk about how Melissa’s family is shady.  Jason begins to cry on his Mom’s shoulder and tells her that he doesn’t know what to do.  Mom encourages him to trust his gut until the very end.  Then she holds a Kleenex up so he can blow his nose like a good boy. 

Melissa One-On-One

Melissa is back to wearing her Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader shorty shorts.  I guess these shorts are magic, because in a never-before-seen moment in Bachelor history, Melissa is using a telephone to call her parents so she can guilt trip them into talking to Jason on the phone.  They break down and agree, but insist that she calls back when it is daylight in Dallas and not in the middle of the night.

Melissa is super stoked to tell Jason that she’s arranged for him to talk to her parents.  Jason says that he’s arranged for them to go on a boat in the rain and jump in cold water.  Melissa squeals, hops in his arms, wraps her legs around him, and gives him spirit sprinkles all at once.  The clouds have aligned!  She is so happy.

But geez!  That water is COLD, yo. 

They wrap themselves in New Zealand beach towels and shiver in the rain, waiting to get back to a hot shower or hot tub or hot bath in the middle of the meadow. 

The camera cuts to our dynamic duo in Mel’s bed.  She’s talking non-stop about how much she loves him and genuinely wants him to believe how she has fallen head over heels.  She tells the camera she longs to hear an I love you back.  Jason tells her that he has to go.  Doh!

Molly One-On-One Time

Molly greets Jason in the rain.  Run, embrace, twirl, blah, blah, blah. 

But hold the phone.  Molly is taking charge of this date.  She has something planned.  Jason asks if it’s calling her parents?  She coyly shakes her head no and says that this activity is just for the two of them.

They enter a massage parlor, complete with two beds.  A couple’s massage!  But wait!  Where are the massagers?  It’s only Gary, the boom mic guy, and the ABC Intern.

Molly barks an order for Jason to strip down.  He does and she does.  ABC reminds them that this is prime time television and makes them put on bathing suits.  They reluctantly do so and Jason hops on the table.  There’s a quick crotch shot of Molly as she rubs down Jason’s back with half a bottle of baby oil.  Her red nails scratch into his spine as the camera gets another quick crotch shot. 

Jason moans something inaudible.  I might have been able to read his lips, but the camera was focused on Molly’s crotch.  As we see another angle of Molly’s crotch, there is a voiceover telling the crotch-viewing audience that she likes to take control and boss Jason around.  She then tells him to FLIP OVER.  She straddles his body, and begins to dry hump.  I half expected a leather whip to mysteriously appear in her right hand, but I’m sure that was later on in the “Bachelor After Dark” bonus reel that Gary will post on YouTube ten years from now. 

Two words: Pine.  Apple.

Molly shows how domestic she is by cooking Jason a wholesome delicious meal from her “freezes beautifully” section of her cookbook.  She tells them that she is in love and that she has a gift for him.

So help me if this is a homemade board game.

Nope.  It’s a book.  It’s as if Creative Memories exploded all over the page.  She’s made him a fairy tale in which she lives happily ever after with her prince.  There are airplane tickets, date cards, condom wrappers, Starbucks paper cups from their trip to Seattle, and a valet ticket from playing at the Club.  All sorts of fun memories!   She’s ready to have a serious conversation, but in true Jason form, he starts making out with her instead of talking about life, love, and other mysteries.   

The next day, Jason picks out a ring for his soon-to-be bride.  It was in the shape of a smiley face.  After the ring lady leaves, he decides to settle down and catch up on previous editions of Architecture Digest.  I’m not sure if he could hear the “Jaws” music that played in the background, or if he thought Gary had just gone to take a leak, but the camera was able to capture a mysterious sedan approaching and some tan legs exiting the back seat.  Who could it be?

The only one surprised was Jason, because we’ve seen this b-roll footage seventeen times now I believe.  You know that if ABC had kept this a secret, we would have all screamed STALKER SHANNON unison. 

Alas, it was DDAHnna.  With that sour puss look on her face.  She marches in to Jason’s abode, barely answering him when he asked what she was doing there.  She tells him she came to visit.  He just stares at her.

DD:  “I came here because I lost a great man.  I thought I was going to have fun with Jesse and didn’t look passed the fact that he can carry me all the way down a mountain on just a snow board.  That’s pretty cool Jason.  You have to admit it.  But sometimes, you have to look past the fun.  Or in your case, the spirit sprinkles.”

Jason:  “One is everything I’m looking for and the other is a wild card.”

DD (very monotone):  “I chose the wild card Jason.  If I had chosen you, I’d be married and seven months pregnant right now, figuring out future play dates with the Sutters when we go to Vail on family vacations.  But I’m not.  I’m hosting a wedding show.  A WEDDING SHOW, JASON.  Do you know how awkward that is for me?  You haven’t proposed yet.  You have a chance to make things different.  That’s why I’m here.”

Jason:  “Um, I guess all I can do is thank you for giving me this opportunity.  But I found two girls that I’m falling for.  How did you know where I was?”

DD:  “Gary.  He and I are tight.  But who cares?  I’m going to bungee jump off that bridge.  I would ask you to go, but you are such a girl at times.  Is Harrison around?”

Jason:  “Wait.  Don’t you have any advice?  Are you going to tell me what to do?  Should I just follow my heart?”

DD:  “Jason, you need to LEAD your heart.  Don’t get on one knee until you are ready.”

Jason:  “Uncool to bring that up DDAHnna.”

DD:  “Sorry.  I’m taking the limo.  Cesar will jump with me for sure.  C-ya.”

Rose Ceremony

I’m so glad that New Zealand is windy, because Molly’s purple flowy dress and Melissa’s yellow flowy dress looked great blowing in the breeze.  Jason’s shiny, too tight in the crotch area suit looked weird.  About as weird as Jason starring into the smiley ring with a look that just screamed, “my preeeeeeecious.”  

Our Host Chris Harrison helps Molly out of the limo first.  I have to admit that I thought this is how it would play out.  Hare walks her down the four-mile long cobblestone path, sprinkled with baby lambs, and deposits her to a very sick looking Jason Mesnick.  Molly interrupts him before he speaks and tells him that no matter what happens, it has been an incredible journey and she wouldn’t take back a minute of it.

Jason:  “Every time you look at me with those bewitching eyes, I get lost.”
Molly:  “Please do not sing Debbie Gibson again.”

Jason:  “I don’t know how I could ever let you go, but I have to.  I never wanted to say goodbye to you.  Steph and I are tight.  DD just visited.  You could be on that entourage list too.”
Molly:  “I’m so sorry.  I guess I don’t understand.  You don’t just do it with someone in a tent.  I think you’ve made a mistake.  A big one.  Because I am a winner.”

Jason walks Molly out and the entire time, she tells him he is making a huge mistake.  She is worried that he will get hurt again.  They talk for thirty minutes about this mistake because of the four-mile long trek back to the rejection limo.  There is some serious flow in Molly’s dress as she hugs him goodbye, giving him one last “look” from her eyes.  Then she is gone.

Jason has a moment on the balcony with himself.  He has no idea that ABC camera man 2 is outside to capture the grief.  Oh the drama.  STELLA!  MOLLY!  Those are big tears.  Wow.  Academy Award reel right here folks. 

The ABC Psychotherapist, unfortunately, is in the rejection limo with Molly.  Gary wanders over and gives Jason a sip from the flask he keeps hidden in his boot.  Harrison slaps him on the back and tells him to suck it up because his beautiful bride is two minutes away. 

Jason:  “I didn’t want to say goodbye to Molly.  I hope I didn’t make a mistake.  I don’t have any doubts about Melissa, except for that sentence I just said.”

Because time if of the essence, Melissa is already at the Home Depot Proposal Pedestal.  Jason gets down on one knee.  Melissa jumps up and down, turns her back and squeals, executes a pretty impressive toe touch for being in such a formal dress and bends down on Jason’s level to accept his proposal.  He tells her he loves her with all his heart and picks her up to twirl her. 

Ty runs to greet them in a little miniature tuxedo.  Jason tries to explain what engagement means and Ty pushes the two in the swimming pool for laughs.  Melissa is over the moon.  Jason looks like he’s about to puke.

But there is no time for fun and games people.  We have serious business to get to.  The After the Final Rose is intimate.  It’s real.  It’s personal.  It’s DRAMA!

After the Final Rose

Harrison is so mysterious.  I love it.  Look around.  There isn’t an audience.  The ABC Intern lit eighty-five candles for NO ONE!  Then he reminds us that 2.4 minutes ago, all of America witnessed Jason propose to Melissa.  He said that what unfolded in the following weeks was so dramatic and emotionally difficult, they kept the taping as intimate as possible.  Just him, Jason, Melissa and three million of their closest friends that are really strangers. 

Jason enters the sound stage first.  He says that it’s been a crazy time.  He loves Melissa, but things have been different since they are not on fantasy dates and have no immediate access to baby lambs.  He admits that he and Melissa are not right for each other and all he can think about is Molly.

Jason:  “Melissa knows things are different for me.  I was crushed to let Molly go.  As soon as she left, a huge piece of me was missing.”
OHCH:  “So are you saying that you are still in love with Molly?”

Dramatic pause…

Jason shakes his head yes. 

Jason:  “I need to tell Melissa how I feel.  She’ll understand.  She’s the dumpee and is used to this.  It might not be a good idea to do this on national TV, but I’m chained to this ABC contract and this is the only way I can figure out how to get another massage from Molly.”
OHCH:  “So you are going to do this tonight?  Right now on this stage?  Do I have to be here?”

Jason:  “I just need to take the ring off of her finger and put it on Molly’s.  It won’t be weird at all, Hare.  I’m sure she has NO CLUE what is going on, but she’ll need a shoulder to cry on.  And that can’t be me because my stylist got me a new suit.  I don’t want it to stain.”

Our Host Chris Harrison summons Melissa to the sound stage.  She is a woman on a mission and by the looks of it, knows that something big is about to go down that will not be in her favor.  She barely greets her fiancé, sits on the opposite end of the couch and never looks him in the face. 

Jason straight up tells Melissa that things are not good between them and he wants to call the whole thing off.  Melissa begins to speak in third person and asks him why he doesn’t want to fight for Melissa.  Jason doesn’t have an answer. 

Melissa then interrogates Jason with a smattering of questions.  What happened?  Does he still have feelings for Molly?  Has he been talking to her? 

Jason:  “I haven’t spoken to Molly.”

Melissa:  “Can’t you see why I’m a little irritated?   You put a ring on my finger and told me you would spend the rest of your life with me and you want to go and be with someone you already rejected five seconds ago?”

Jason:  “I don’t want to live my life full of regrets.”
Melissa:  “BASTARD!”

And all of America cheered for our poor, rejected Melissa.

Jason has zero emotion for any of this, which, as we know, is strange for Jason.  Didn’t he cry when Robin Thicke sang that love song to him and Jillian on their first date?


Melissa tells Jason to never contact her again and walks off the stage with as much dignity as she can muster.  Especially after Harrison tells her there is a rejection limo waiting for her out back. 

Jason sort of follows her, but Gary the camera man gives him a quick squint of the eye and Jason understands that he’s crossed a line.  Now the waterworks come.  The ABC Intern hands him a tissue.  Harrison hands him a “happy pill” and escorts him back to the green room.

After a five minute Molly montage, she enters the bare sound stage and sits with Our Host on the couch.  How very fortunate that she is still in love with Jason and has no regret that he broke her heart on national TV.  Harrison confirms six times that Molly is STILL IN LOVE WITH JASON before bringing him out to drop the bomb on Molly. 

Jason tells Molly that he made a huge mistake.  Molly looks to Harrison for guidance.  Hare keeps a straight face.  She looks back to Jason as he asks her out for coffee.  She turns and looks at Gary, but can’t see him because he is behind the camera.  Jason says that he wants another shot and Molly looks at the ABC Intern who shrugs his shoulders and checks his watch. 

Jason:  “I just want to see where things my lead.  To the bedroom perhaps?”
Molly:  “Where is Melissa?  You know, your fiancé?”

Jason:  “Oh she’s halfway to Texas by now.  Seriously.  Do you want to make out?”
Molly:  “We have a lot to talk about.  But my feelings for you have not changed.”

OHCH:  “Molly, does this mean you are back with Jason?”
Molly:  “Will it go down that I won the season?”

OHCH:  “Yes.”
Molly:  “Then YES!  I’m in love!  Don’t give me that ring though.  I have my own right here.  Just write a check to Molly’s Daddy and we’ll call it even.” 

After the After the Final Rose

Five Bachelorettes come back to the AAFR and give their two cents.  I really have no clue who Kari is, but she did actually say something.  I just didn’t write it down.  Erica thinks that Jason is a d-bag.  Miss Illinois had stage fright.  Stephanie thinks Jason followed his heart and it’s better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.  And Naomi wanted to punch Jason in the face through the TV.

But I have to agree with the audience dude in the green shirt who said that he would have never proposed to another girl if he had the reaction that Jason had to letting Molly go.

My thoughts exactly. 

Harrison invites Jason out on the stage and he is surprised that the audience members are not throwing rotten vegetables at him.  He proceeds to tell Our Host that he didn’t want to live his life with regrets and telling Melissa to hit the road was the hardest thing he’s ever had to do.  All this time he is resting his hand on his crotch.  I don’t know why that is in my notes, but it is.  Harrison pulls the Ty card and asks him if he can look his son in the eyes and be proud of what he did.  Jason reads from a script and tells Harrison that we all make mistakes.  His was just magnified by TV.  He followed his heart and did it with integrity.

Molly comes out and the pair embrace and passionately kiss.  Jason tells Our Host that Molly has become his best friend and that’s all he’s ever wanted. 

Huh.  Seems to me that you told Jillian that she was becoming your best friend and that’s NOT what you wanted. 

He goes on to say that Molly challenges him to not say pineapple so much and things are really looking good.  Molly is moving to Seattle and life is fine and dandy.  Hare brings up the tent scene, again, and they cross their hearts that nothing went on inside the tent.  Harrison tells Jason he has another shot at third base and the ABC Intern rolls out the same tent from the putting green.

Oh, Hare!

So where do I stand?

First off, I’d like to give a great big high five to myself for not cracking under the pressure. 

Kudos to me for being able to somehow stay away from all spoilers.  I’d also like to take this time to issue a formal apology to everyone and anyone who may have called, texted, messaged, Facebooked, or emailed me with any Bachelor-related news.  I was afraid to open them in case spoilers were included.  And I’m sorry to anyone who called me or came up to me to talk about the show and witnessed me shoving my fingers in my ears and singing “Sweet Child of Mine” to the top of my lungs, just in case.  I’ve since sifted through everything, including Reality Steve’s stuff, and feel completely up-to-date and ready to give my opinion.

  1. I’m guessing that Melissa knew before she went on the sound stage (that ironically had no sound other than the clicking of her Manolo Blahnicks) that something bad was going down. 
  2. I’m guessing that after Brad Womack infamously dissed both women at the Home Depot proposal pedestal, ABC’s lawyers included some sort of clause that forces the Bachelor to propose in future seasons.  I’d like to think that if Jason had such an emotional breakdown on the balcony after letting one woman go, he wouldn’t propose to another one five seconds later.
  3. I’m sort of surprised that we haven’t seen the old switcheroo yet.  I would have preferred Jason to ditch both ladies and then ask for Molly back on the After the Final Rose, but that pesky contract got in the way. 
  4. I don’t think that Molly knew what was going on officially.  I don’t think she and Jason spoke, only because they told us fifteen times over and over again.  
  5. Step away from Our Host Chris Harrison.  He’s my boy and only does what ABC tells him to.  We love him here.  No hating. 
  6. This is a reality TV show.  And for the first time ever, it was the most dramatic one yet.  Sure I thought Molly was going to announce that she was pregnant with Jason’s tent child, but that didn’t happen.  Yes details of the finale were leaked and who knows if it was on purpose.  Who cares for that matter?  We all got sucked in and, as a result, ABC is able to give us another season because…
  7. Our new Bachelorette is JILLIAN!  And we all LOVE EVERYTHING ABOOT her! 
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