Bachelor Nick Finale: And the rose goes to…

Bachelor Nick Season Finale

There were more tears than ever before. Every scene dripped with feelings and questions and more feelings. Entire surfaces were draped with various pelts and animal themed blankets. Creepy Jolly Old St. Nicholas made an appearance, as well as Donner and Blitzen. But at the end of the day, one thing stood out as the moment we will remember, and it’s not that Harrison’s hair was off:

Husky puppies will always trump finding love in Finland.

The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you Snap Chat happen to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the CrossFit trainer who was slightly disappointed but mostly pleased with the Gilmore Girls revival and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

After wandering the tundra for a few hours to process his feelings, Nick heads back to a cabin in the woods to process his feelings again with his entire family. I’ve missed Bella. And I sort of feel sorry for the other young nameless girl who didn’t get her moment to shine during Nick’s journey to find love. Rude.

Raven shows up with two gifts in her huge mitten covered hands. I assume one is for the mom and the other is for Bella. Poor Nameless Girl. You’ll have to buy your own bag of coffee or Finnish taffy at the airport on your way back to Wisconsin. Sorry!

Raven is super comfortable since she already had her initial meeting with the parents back in Milwaukee. She charms his mother and promises to show Bella a new way to braid her hair if she agrees to say, “I hope he picks you” on national television.

When she’s with Nick’s dad, Raven shares the details of the day she told Nick that she loves him. She’s cool with him not saying it back. Nick’s dad thinks Raven “has a maturity I didn’t expect.” That’s code for: This girl is closer to Bella’s age than Nick’s, but she’s got a decent head on her shoulders.

Nick is nervous. His mom cries. She’s wearing one of the animal pelts. (Thank goodness the ABC Intern is quick with a sewing kit and a random zipper.) How can he be sure that Raven is the one? The truth is that he doesn’t know. PS: He doesn’t know if Vanessa is necessarily the one either.

That should make both women feel extra special as they watch the show.

Next up is Vanessa. She executes the traditional Jump and Straddle (trademark pending), walks into the cabin with confidence, and tells the story of how she once puked in a Zero Gravity plane and Nick was right there with her.

Vanessa: He’s quite the caregiver. That’s what I’ve been searching for.
Lincee: Someone to hold your hair back?

As Nick adjusts his sweater made out of the moss, I wonder why he didn’t connect with Caila in Paradise. Perhaps she could have been his tree and they could have grown together? Whatever. I’m off topic. But before I wrap up this random aside, I have to point out Vanessa’s super cool Flashdance sweatshirt. One cold shoulder in Finland? What a feeling indeed!

Vanessa informs the parents that she’s never been close to being engaged. She’s doing this once, and if she didn’t see herself with Nick, she wouldn’t be here. Of course, she has a lot to learn about their son. She’s only known him for six dates. Then there’s the national border that separates them, too. Vanessa claims to be open to compromising, which pleases Nick’s father. His advice to Vanessa? Be willing to sacrifice.

Then the dad starts crying. I start crying. Vanessa does not, but quickly reads the room, knowing that she will be labeled cold-hearted if she doesn’t turn on the waterworks with Mr. Vial.

Vanessa leaves and Nick processes with his parents. There are tears, statement necklaces, animal skins on the wall, bored siblings, talks of engagements, more tears, and admissions of fear that once he chooses a woman, she won’t choose him back.

There’s the old Jump and Straddle (trademark pending) again. I’m beginning to think that this is a part of the contract. Here’s hoping Nick gets a gift certificate to a chiropractor in his swag bag from Jimmy Kimmel.

Vanessa wears a scarf as an accessory instead of using it the one time she probably needs it the most. Her coat is open too. This Canadian can stand the cold!

Nick hoists her up onto a horse, gives her butt a slap, and we watch Vanessa’s crotch and underboob from an ill-placed GoPro on the saddle. They’re off!

I have to hand it to the ABC Intern for going above and beyond this episode. Not only did he Project Runway Nick’s mom a quick vest to match the set, but he totally outdid himself with the breathtaking scenery during Nick and Vanessa’s trot through the woods. Did I miss them galloping through a wardrobe? Narnia could have been filmed there.

They tie their horses to a tree and knock on the door of a tiny little cabin. Finnish Santa, in a poorly constructed suit and laughable beard, invites them in to sit on his lap. Creeper. Vanessa squeals with delight to the camera that she met Santa Claus.

Bachelor Nick

Santa asks the love birds what they want for Christmas.

Nick: A new pair of skinny jeans to replace the ones I spoiled going mudding with Raven. Spray tan machine for my stint on Dancing with the Stars, and for everyone to quit saying “fourth time’s a charm.”
Vanessa: A Canadian VISA with Nick Vial’s name on it.

Santa gives Nick and Vanessa a carved wooden fertility door hanger which they burn for heat later.

Vanessa decides to talk about her feelings at the bonfire. Nick listens and reminds her that it doesn’t matter how things end because he’s looking for a strong teammate and partner. This makes Vanessa cry tears that freeze to her face. She wants to feel different. She wants this courtship to be epic. Why is dumb old Raven in the way? It’s not fair!

Later that night, she tells Nick that if he ends up with her because she’s slightly better than the chick named after an Edgar Allan Poe poem, she’d rather just not be picked.

I guess on Canadian Bachelor they are so nice that they date one girl at a time?

Nick explains that the proposal, should she be the last one standing, will be extremely romantic. And cold. But she needs to understand that he’s been in her shoes twice and will take nothing for granted. He knows that this is a mutual decision. He struggles with the unknown too. There’s a lot of talk about being only engaged once and the giving of hearts. I was bored.

Vanessa is still irritated that Nick doesn’t have a final decision and the proposal is just days away. He does his best to not tell her that he’s basically going to flip a coin in lieu of admitting that “he’s very happy she is here.” This doesn’t stop Vanessa from launching into a legit ugly cry just as Nick leans in for a make out session. Instead of getting to second base, he’s forced to wipe her snotty nose with his bare thumb.

That’s when I knew Vanessa would win.

Nick straight up has fun with Raven. They admire a snow creation (big heart) that the ABC Intern whipped up. Nick takes her ice skating and they horseplay all day. He even picks her up and carries her around the pond, which I thought was impressive. She shot the duck between his legs. Then they came together like magnets and totally went horizontal right there on the ice in nothing but sweaters.

First leeches. Now frostbite.

They warm up by a bonfire because Finland refuses to let ABC riffraff in any of their accommodations unless it’s nighttime outside. He snuggles up to her by the fire and leans his head on her shoulder. Raven is convinced that she is going to get a ring the next day and is ecstatic about the idea of being the future Mrs. Nick Vial. Does it get any better than this?

Yes. Bring in the husky puppies!

Raven claims this is the best…day…ever.

That night, she changes into a darling sweater dress and pairs the outfit with thigh-high boots. Nick tells Raven that he can’t move his neck due to stress and that he’s sick to his stomach because he doesn’t know what to do.

Nick: I care about the tow of you so much. It’s heartbreaking.
Lincee: Go get those puppies.
Raven: I understand.

Raven assures Nick that she is in this all the way until the end. She loves him and is ready for him to get down on one knee. It will be easy for her to say yes.

Nick: That means a lot.
Lincee: Uh oh.

Then he gives a long speech about how great she is and how she handled this situation beautifully. He appreciates how she never had any reservations. Nick thinks she’s sexy, intelligent, and someone he would brag about.

He saves the “but” for the rose ceremony and kisses her good-bye. Raven thinks it’s good-bye for the night. It was really good-bye FOREVER. Or until things go south with Vanessa. He memorizes her number just in case.

Nick takes to the tundra again, without a coat because he doesn’t deserve one, to think about what he’s about to do. He defrosts in front of a fire, drinking coffee with a little bit of whiskey to ease his pending pain.

Uncle Neil shows up to offer Nick another ring. We see Vanessa crying, again, before she wiggles into her sparkly black dress with black furry shrug. She looks amazing. Raven wears an ice blue number that sparkles as well. She chooses a dark cape to complete her ensemble.

The SUVs take the ladies to Donner and Blitzen’s owner’s cabin. The reindeer hang out out front while Our Host Chris Harrison greets the first woman out of the limo. The camera pans to her shoes and we see the ice blue sparkles of Raven’s dress. Harrison escorts her inside, places her coat on the hook, and points to the door with dry sticks all over it for her to meet her fate on the other side.

Raven tells Nick that everyone before him had fallen short of love. He is the man her daddy prayed for all those years. She couldn’t be more sure that he is the one. Nick lets her finish before gently informing her that he is not in love. His heart is somewhere else.

Nick cries like a baby. Raven allows one sole tear to drip down over her cheek. She thanks him for their time together, never regretting her actions, and hugs him. She’s ready to get the heck out of Finland. He walks her straight out into the cold, forgetting the stupid cape, and hugs her one last time before she gets into the backseat of the rejection SUV and drives away from him forever. Or until the After the Final Rose. Either way, his heart is ripping.

There was a fence RIGHT THERE. It was the perfect prop to execute a Mesnick. Instead, Nick goes inside to try and summon the courage to propose to a Canadian he barely knows.

Vanessa arrives with all sorts of cleavage. Harrison places her shrug on the hook next to Raven’s forgotten cape. She walks into the room and Nick greets her with a hug. Her dress is too tight to wrap around his waist. He launches into his love monologue. He doesn’t want to fight it anymore. Our Bachelor Nick loves Vanessa.

Vanessa turns it on for her IMDB reel. She claims she thought there was no way he was going to notice her. Instead, he noticed every part of her! (I blame the cut outs on her dress.) She never knew this kind of love existed.

Nick drops to one knee and asks Vanessa to marry him. She cries and cries and cries and then says yes. She also accepts his rose.

What did you think? Will they last? Was Vanessa the one for Bachelor Nick? Did he make a mistake in not picking Raven? Was Santa creepy?

Of course, the After the Final Rose was a hot, boring mess. Harrison poked the bear several times, asking extremely negative questions of both Raven and Vanessa. Raven wore a slip and dyed her hair even a darker shade of black, if that’s possible. She thanked Nick again, and she explained to the audience that she was in shock. That’s why she didn’t cry. It wasn’t that she was secretly thinking, “Dodged a bullet on that one. I hope I get invited to Paradise.”

Guess what? Harrison invited her to Paradise.

Vanessa looked like she was irritated at the world. She’s not going to sugar-coat things — some days are tougher than others. She decided that there is a Nick the Bachelor and the guy she’s dating named Nick. It takes some getting used to. She wants him to be more sympathetic toward her feelings (you don’t say). She’s looking forward to riding in the same car as him.

Also, I had a cotton leotard in the exact same material as Vanessa’s ATFR dress.

Harrison brings Nick out his soon-to-be-bride for their first public appearance together as a couple. Nick looked like he would rather be chasing after Ghost May in a haunted mansion in Louisiana than holding the hand of the woman with whom he’s supposedly going to spend the rest of his life.

We learn that they are taking baby steps and will be living in the U.S. once things settle down. Of course, that won’t happen until after Nick is kicked off Dancing with the Stars. Vanessa is eager to meet Mr. T and Val.

I made that up. I would be eager to meet Mr. T and Val.

Our Host checks his ginormous watch and wraps up the segment so the lovely couple can jet off to be guests on Good Morning America. Harrison brings Rachel out to talk about he exact same thing they did last week on Women Tell All.

But there’s a twist.

It’s a historic event that has NEVER taken place before. Get ready, Rachel, because your bachelorette journey is about to begin!

A shocked Rachel stands transfixed as a thousand crew members in black rush around to transform the set into a makeshift freshly sprayed driveway. They pull out a picture of the mansion on wheels, a la Chip and JoJo on Fixer Upper. One dude pushes trees out onto the floor. Circus music plays as Chris explains to Rachel that she is about to meet a few cast members from her season.

Rachel looks like she’s going to puke. “GO GET NICK,” I shout. “HE KNOWS HOW TO HANDLE SITUATIONS LIKE THIS!”

First up is Damario. He thinks Rachel should call off the show because he’s already booked two tickets for them to get married in Vegas. It was a cute bit, until he pulled out the diamond ring. A little too much there, Damario. Tighten up.

Next was the random guy. I didn’t catch his name because I was yelling into a couch cushion pillow. He was so nervous. And he didn’t have a bit. He also didn’t know how to land the plane and stood there awkwardly saying nothing after the initial meet-n-greet. I wanted one of those old timey hooks to come out from stage left to literally pull him out of the shot. Perhaps they will invest in one before Rachel’s season airs?

Dean meandered onto the scene and brought the house down with one line: “I’m ready to go black, and I’m never going to go back.” Was the laughter genuine or nervous and uncomfortable? We may never know.

Finally, Eric came out and acted normal. He said he was happy to be here and what’s meant to be will be. Then they both broke out into spontaneous dance moves.

If I had to choose right now, I’d say Eric for the win.

That’s it! Another season in the can. Here’s hoping you stick around for my Dancing with the Stars recaps. Or my other random postings. Until then, I’ll see your for Rachel’s season!

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