Bachelor Nick and His Ladies
Let’s talk about the great big elephant in the room: Bachelor Nick.
Some of you think this he is a slimy, skinny jean wearing punk who thinks he can waltz up to any woman and charm his way into her life. Others watched the last season of Bachelor in Paradise and grappled with these strange, unfamiliar feelings for Bachelor Nick. Was it affection? Was it redemption? Was it the countless Starburst jellybeans I chased with an ice cold Dr Pepper?
Here’s the truth: It doesn’t matter where you land on the Nick-ometer. That’s what’s going to make this season SO MUCH FUN! Mike Fleiss wanted someone with a sketchy past. He needed the exact opposite of Ben “Peter Brady” Higgins. A win for the marketing team will be the fodder that surrounds the position that Bachelor Nick currently holds. Do we love him? Do we hate him? Are we indifferent?
Whatever the case may be, I’m excited for season 21 of The Bachelor. Much like seasons of yore, Nick will be dating duplicate copies of the exact same girl. But in a surprising twist, this year they have different skin tones.
Kudos to the casting department for choosing quite a diverse group of gorgeous ladies. Other than geography, the net wasn’t cast very wide in my opinion. Every single girl answered a question the exact same way as another contestant. Or maybe ABC wants us to think that. I can’t be sure.
As a collective group, here’s what we know about the 30 ladies:
- Many answered that Scandal was their favorite TV show and multiple girls either wanted to be or meet Olivia Pope. Did the producers ask them to pick their favorite drama from a list of ABC shows?
- Affirmative. Three girls listed Dancing with the Stars in their bios.
- Chrissy Teigen and Carrie Bradshaw are also on pedestals with this group.
- Nicholas Sparks is mentioned at least 50-percent of the time.
- Titanic comes in a close second to The Notebook in the favorite movie category.
- Nurses must have the flexibility to leave for long stretches of time to go on a dating reality show.
- Several girls add the half sign or 0.5 to their height. It’s very important for you to know that they are 5’7.5” instead of wimpy 5’7”.
- The majority can’t live without their mothers or their cell phones.
- The phrase “duh” was interjected more times than I care to count. I can report that one girl used it twice in one answer.
- Chapstick and lip balm is essential to these ladies.
- There’s an unnatural love of all things Little Mermaid and dolphins.
- I have no idea why producers asked the ladies what kind of fruit or vegetable they would be, but three answered “pineapple.” Some of you may not know that pineapple is the IHGB safe word. Use it when you’re feeling overwhelmed or want a moment to end.
Here’s what we know about each contestant:
Aspiring Dolphin Trainer
Alexis loves the water and dolphins. She wants to be the Little Mermaid. I’ll allow it. However, not being able to live without fake eyelashes or her Crest white strips may pose a problem. I don’t think either of those hold up well in water. She’s going to have to make a decision. Is she land Ariel or sea Ariel? According to the post photo above, she compromises and chooses to stay on land wearing a dolphin costume. I guess the sexy Ariel costumes from the back room at Party City were sold out.
Angela is also a dolphin lover. Will she be mad that Alexis was bold enough to prove her love for dolphins by wearing a costume? We’ll have to wait and see. Angela can’t live without her mom, phone and doesn’t like to drive. She prefers guys who aren’t silly or immature, yet she admits that she licks popcorn bags. Fingers crossed that there is butter on those bags.
Plastic Surgery Office Manager
I can’t believe Astrid has grown into such a sweet young lady! She loves both dolphins and the Little Mermaid and her mom and fake eyelashes. What are the odds? She doesn’t want to work and is afraid of dying alone and getting wrinkles. Sounds like Astrid is suffering from work anxiety.
Salt Lake City, UT
Surgical Unit Nurse
I kid you not, this girl mentioned dolphins too. Four in a row. She likes pineapple, the TV show Friends and her favorite meal is a Big Mac meal from McDonald’s. Change that last part to number 5 eight-count at Chick-Fil-A and this girl could be me, minus the dolphin frenzy, plus 13 years of wisdom.
Santa Monica, CA
I had to text my nurse friend Stephanie to double check that a travel nurse is real a thing. It is. Brittany doesn’t like the cold. I’d like to remind Brittany that I think Nick lives in Chicago, where it’s cold. I definitely know his family is from Wisconsin, where it is also cold. Brittany admires Beyonce and thinks food is the way to a man’s heart. So are jaunty scarves if we’re talking about Nick.
Christen tricked me at first with all her political talk. She wants to meet the president and break into the White House to see what really goes on. After carefully deciphering her bio, it became clear that she is obsessed with Scandal. She’s afraid of failure and her muse is Katniss Everdeen. I guess Olivia’s life is too much of a mess for Christen to aspire to be just like her. For the record, Team Peeta.
My favorite thing about Corinne is that she has tattoos, but she’s lasering them off. Dear reader, never, ever, ever, ever, ever get a boyfriend or girlfriend’s name permanently printed on any part of your body. Choose something generic, like Grace. That way when you break up, no one will ever know that it was originally an amalgamation of Grant and Lace. Corinne also watches Frasier, which was on NBC. Strange. I’m glad she has TV Land to enjoy the wit and wisdom of Dr. Frasier Crane. Nick can tell her all about the times he watched the original in the ‘90s when she was just a toddler. So fun. Corinne’s perfect date is “an ultimate dining experience in an amazing location.” Nailed it.
Los Angeles, CA
Small Business Owner
Danielle L. loves Nicholas Sparks, Chrissy Teigen, Olivia Pope and opened her own online business at the age of 23. I’m guessing an Etsy shop. The most outrageous thing she’s ever done is swing from a rope into a waterfall even though the sign read “locals only.” #rebel
Danielle M’s favorite movies are Ferris Bueller’s Day Off and The Notebook. She “moved to Nashville and put myself back together” because her fiancé passed away. Her answers were both mature and playful. If she’s over the pain of her loss, and there have been several years for her to properly grieve, she might be a contender. On the other hand, she’s and old lady at 31-years-old.
Los Angeles, CA
Restaurant Server (read: aspiring actress)
If Dominique could eat lunch with three different people, she would choose to eat burritos from Chipotle with her grandfather, Leonardo DiCaprio and Jesus. She likes Olivia Pope and prefers to think of herself as a pineapple. She also can’t live without Chipotle burritos. Clearly Dominque is a restaurant server at Chipotle and the only way they would give her eight weeks off from work is if she mentioned them twice in her bio.
Las Vegas, NV
Liz can’t live without coconut oil, floss, music and her Bible. Her greatest moment was when she cut her sister’s kid’s umbilical cord. It’s okay. She’s a doula. She answered “kill someone” to the question, “If I never have to ______, I would be very happy.” She is a Beliber — as in Justin — and likes to pick her nose in the comfort of her car. For some reason, I like her.
Elizabeth typically meets guys on Bumble, but is very excited to meet a certain special guy in front of millions of viewers. Insert winky face emoji here. She would like to meet Kate Middleton, Britney Spears and wants her kids to attend the same high school she did. Her phobias include claustrophobia and misophonia. Elizabeth instructs us to use the Google to look up misophonia because it’s a real thing. I did and I’m now convinced I suffer from it too.
Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada
I think Hailey is going to be our odd duck. She even looks a little bored in her photo. She started off great, mentioning how she traveled to China to build schools and teach orphans. Hailey loves Sheryl Crow and Dr. Seuss, then she wrote “only children are strange” and butterflies are creepy. Hailey is one of four 23-year-olds who will undoubtedly band together to complain about SnapChat withdrawals.
Sweet, precious, little Ida Marie might be eaten alive by the girls in the mansion. Her favorite book? She doesn’t read them. Her favorite author? See above. Bless her. Here’s hoping she has a little hood rat in her to keep things interesting.
New Orleans, LA
Jaimi once catered a party for the Oscars. That’s pretty cool. She would like to bench press a man with her legs. I imagine Nick might be up for that. She only eats fish, birds and byproducts. No wonder she’s a chef.
“I don’t usually chase men. I’m attractive and have a lot of great qualities. I want a man who pursues me and gives me assurance that I’m what he wants.” YESSSSSS! Also, I believe this is the first time a woman has worn a turtle neck for a profile pic.
San Francisco, CA
Pro Basketball Dancer
Jasmine G. is afraid of open water, which means the producers will have her swimming with turtles in week 3. If given the opportunity, she would eat pizza with RuPaul, Dave Chappelle and Prince. Interesting. No Olivia Pope?
Santa Cruz, CA
Josephine’s bio was completely picked apart. First of all, why specify that you are an unemployed nurse? Second, her bio is the only one that asked about religion. She’s Jewish, but not really. I guess that means only on the high holidays? Third, they asked her a lot of questions about musical theater which makes me nervous. She will be singing at some point in this season if she gets past the first week. And I will be behind the cushion mumbling something about a pineapple. PS: Her cold shoulder/clavicle blouse is not my favorite.
Kristina is young and has lived a hard life. She wants you to know that she is strong, independent and fully capable of making life work with whatever you throw at her. She likes Meryl Streep, Finoa from Shrek and the Ninja Warrior TV show. She’d also like to meet her biological mother so she could, “ask if choosing alcohol over kids was worth it.” I’m not sure this is the healthiest outlet for Kristina to thrive.
Digital Marketing Manager
I think Lacey might be the resident good girl. She knows Arabic, likes Dancing with the Stars and her biggest regret is giving people too many chances. She’s never brought a guy home to meet the family, which makes me think she might go far. She also might go far if she keeps wearing bustiers as tops.
Law School Graduate
Lauren’s answers read like one of the 23-year-olds. She’s a dolphin lover, is eager to have a house full of kids one day, can’t live without her soft Hall & Oats t-shirt, is mesmerized by rock formations and apparently doesn’t have a job.
Los Angeles, CA
Food Truck Owner
Michelle speaks Portuguese and once went hang gliding in Rio. There’s no mention of her contracting the Zika virus. Her pretend buddies are Albus Dumbledore, Gwen Stefani, Princess Diana and Carrie Bradshaw, because who wouldn’t want Carrie’s friends and closet?
Apparel Sales Representative
The one girl named Olivia never mentions Olivia Pope. This Olivia was a kicker for her high school football team, which is pretty cool. She likes Nicholas Sparks, wants to be Superwoman and is afraid of not being able to find love. That’s a legitimate concern. She’s a quarter of a century old. Time is ticking.
Michelle Obama is everything to Rachel. So is Jean-Michel Basquiat. She wants you to know that she passed the bar the first time she took it. She used to be all about her career, but she’s not anymore. She’s ready to find love. Give her a guy who loves ‘90s country music and Justin Beiber and she’ll be a happy woman! (Quick poll: Does this guy even exist?)
Fashion Boutique Owner
Raven totally wasted her “who would you be for a day” card when she chose Blue Ivy. Hello! Pick Beyonce next time. She wants to be Jasmine (the princess not the contestants) because she has great hair and a pet tiger. She’s not afraid of growing old because she plans on being nipped and tucked — tastefully done of course.
Newport Beach, CA
Grade School Teacher
Sarah is a free spirit. She quotes The Notebook “If you’re a bird, I’m a bird” line. Her imaginary besties are Meredith Grey, Olivia Pope and Carrie Bradshaw. (Is Sex and the City on Netflix or something? What’s up with all the Carrie Bradshaw love?) Sarah moved to New York City with nothing but three dollars and two bags of clothes. And now she has a star named after her. Dreams really do come true, kids!
San Diego, CA
Oh Susannah. I’m going to cry for her because her greatest achievement is flying to Europe on a whim. She might be a little bit of a self-proclaimed dork, too She once tried to look sexy picking up a pen in front of high school crush and banged her head on a table. Susannah follows in nine other footsteps and also wants to be Ariel. Oh, and she has a shoe addiction. An expensive shoe addiction.
Mental Health Counselor
Taylor is wacky! She went streaking once. She also buys her clothes from Forever 21, also known as Forever XXI. If she wanted to impress a man, she would 1) Be herself 2) Be open and authentic and 3) Look Bomb. I’m wearing Christmas leggings and a Baylor sweatshirt right now. Am I bomb?
Montreal, Quebec, Canada
Special Education Teacher
Vanessa has potential. She speaks French, Italian and works hard to succeed in life. Her fruit/vegetable pick was an onion, because it’s a staple item. She mentions that she’s afraid of hurting people’s feelings. If she keeps conversation light and sets up shop as the RA of the group shepherding the millennials through “he said / she said” gossip, I believe she has a chance.
Whitney wants to be Gisele because she’s married to Tom Brady. I get the attraction, but maybe don’t answer your reality dating show questionnaire with secret desires of being married to people other than the one you’re there to fall in love with.
What do you think? Is Bachelor Nick’s future bride on this list? Who has most potential on paper? Can you live without coconut oil? Are you pumped for season 21? Sound off in the comments section!