Bachelor Nick Recap: Red, Red, Wine

Bachelor Nick Premiere: Season 21, Episode 1

Welcome back, friends! Season 21 of The Bachelor has finally debuted and whether you like him or not, Nick Viall is ready to find love. Real love. Not the kind of love you hook up with at a wedding and then forget about on national television. I’m talking platinum vagine.

Bachelor Nick is America’s bad boy to some, but according to a b-roll package, he’s just like any normal guy. Nobody’s perfect, people.

Cut to Nick jogging topless around Chicago, flaunting his new, trim physique. He’s ready. He’s willing. He’s…naked?

We’re sixty seconds into the episode and the black modesty box makes its first appearance covering Nick’s junk as he drops trough right in front of the camera. When you gotta shower, you gotta shower.

After his nude exhibition, Nick explains that he really does have flaws. He mumbles (truth), doesn’t have the best eye contact (word), has a tendency to be a bit long-winded (preach), and doesn’t know how to sit sideways on a couch. Reality celebrities — they’re just like us!

Nick also wants you to remember that family is important. Producers showcase his adorable little sister who challenges her big bro to pick up the ladies in “cool rides.” His parents pull out the scrapbook featuring a young Nick channeling his inner Backstreet Boy. Finally, they film him kissing a bunch of babies. I guess the ABC Intern couldn’t secure a basket of puppies to round out the awe-inducing footage.

During Nick’s promotional photo shoot, he reminds those of us who didn’t watch the special on Sunday night that he was dumped twice at the Home Depot pedestal by former bachelorettes Andi and Kaitlyn. Even though old What’s Her Name from Bachelor In Paradise is never mentioned, ABC emphasizes that the fourth time’s the charm. To make sure this one sticks, they drag out the big guns to give our boy some advice.

Well, the big guns and one squirt gun.

Sean Lowe, Ben “Peter Brady” Higgins, and The Farmer gather around a table, scotch in hand, ready to doll out the wisdom. Sean looks happy in his chambray pearl snap. The Farmer is giddy that he was invited at all. I thought Ben appeared both sad (I don’t think the engagement to Lauren is going to end in marriage) and a touch annoyed. Nick is the villain who swooped in and mugged on Kaitlyn while he was in the shower that one time during his season. I’m sure there’s bad blood there, but a Brady is never impolite. He instructs the bachelor to just be himself.

They toast to the journey that started seventeen years ago, laugh at their own joke, and drink to Nick’s health. Nick forgets that he’s long-winded and launches into a soliloquy about how he’s had some ups and downs, highs and lows, but he’s learned a lot about himself these past few seasons. His hope of hopes is that he finds himself where they are now. (Not you, Farmer. The other two.)

As I suspected, the crop of young ladies (emphasis on the young) were unique. Instead of the quintessential crazy contestants, I have the sinking suspicious we are working with an immature cast this season. Which is more annoying? Only time will tell.

One quick reminder: THIS IS A SPOILER FREE ZONE. We don’t care about Reality Biff. Don’t share rumors or anything you may have read on any fan sites. We believe part of the fun is figuring out who gets a free ride in the rejection limo every week. Plus, I don’t want to cheat on my official Bachelor bracket. Respect the space, please!

Now, let’s meet the 15 ladies in red dresses and their 15 drinking buddies!

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you Snap Chat happen to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the CrossFit trainer who was slightly disappointed but mostly pleased with the Gilmore Girls revival and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

There he is. Our Host Chris Harrison. Oh how I’ve missed his perfectly tailored suits and whimsically-colored ties. He looks dashing in grey. The eyes still pierce my heart. He smells of worn leather, a dash of bourbon, and cold hard cash. He introduces our bachelor, who arrives in a limo. A lady driver wearing orthopedic shoes opens Nick’s door. No glass ceilings here. The show respects all women. Let’s meet them now!

Alexis
23
Secaucus, NJ
Aspiring Dolphin Trainer
Why you remember her:
Alexis’ family begs her not to mention dolphins. She absorbs this valid warning, ignores it, and purchases a shark costume from Amazon. It’s no unicorn head, but she does own it and commits to the bit all night long. She also insists that she is a dolphin all night long. Alexis never snaps at the other girls for calling her a shark. She simply corrects them by dramatically turning a circle in her heels so they can truly take in the dolphin characteristics. Just ignore the gills. Nick finds her wading around in the shallow end of the swimming pool and commends Alexis for milking it. She tenses when he calls her a shark, meekly modifying his assessment. She’s a dolphin. Nick doesn’t back down.

Nick: You’re a shark.
Alexis: I’m a dolphin.
Nick: Nope. You’re a shark
Alexis: I’m a dolphin.
Nick: Did you not see Katy Perry at the Super Bowl? You’re the left shark.
Alexis: I’m a dolphin.

Nick looks at the camera during his alone time. “She thinks she’s a dolphin. That’s a concern.” Indeed it is. 

Status: Rose

Angela
26
Greenville, SC
Model
Why you remember her:
She wore red. That’s all I got.
Status: No Rose

Astrid
26
Tampa, FL
Plastic Surgery Office Manager
Why you remember her:

Astrid is the first to speak to our bachelor in another language. In fluent German, she asks him if he can tell if her breasts are real (doubt it based on her career path) and something about her sex life. Nick understands the sex part because he can recognize that word in thirteen different languages.
Status: Rose

Briana
28
Salt Lake City, UT
Surgical Unit Nurse
Why you remember her:
Briana wears a purple sparkly dress and asks if she can listen to Nick’s heart during her post-limo icebreaker. She looked mad when she didn’t receive a rose.
Status: No Rose

Brittany
26
Santa Monica, CA
Travel Nurse
Why you remember her:
Brit snaps on a pair of rubber gloves and instructs Nick to turn around and bend over. I guess he enjoyed it because…
Status: Rose

Christen
25
Tulsa, OK
Wedding Videographer
Why you remember her:
Christen is the life of the party in a bright yellow dress. She thinks that waving a fan around upon her limo exit is the perfect prop to symbolize that she is a fan girl of Nick. She has been watching him on TV (since she was a kid) and gets cold chills when he speaks. Christen teaches Nick to box step and even helps the sholphin from prematurely passing out by tossing little sardines into her mouth. Grabbing a handful of snacks is nearly impossible in that outfit. Luckily, holding a glass of merlot with felt-covered fins doesn’t seem to be a problem. These two will share BeFri necklaces when the show ends.
Status: Rose

Corinne
24
Miami, FL
Business Owner
Why you remember her:
Corinne is the Erica Rose of this season. She runs a multi-million dollar company that her daddy gave her. It’s only natural that she lives with her mother, father, and nanny Raquel to learn the ins and outs of the family trade. She never mentions the business, but we get a clue from her icebreaker. She hands Nick a sackful of tokens, Scrooge McDuck style. Corinne whispers that he can cash them in anytime. It’s clear from this evidence that her dad is a Chuck E. Cheese mogul. Corinne is used to getting what she wants, so she takes great pride in being the first contestant to kiss Bachelor Nick. She constantly strokes her new hair extensions and brags that she has a platinum vagine. I’m going to need confirmation from the doula before I believe that.
Status: Rose

Danielle L.
27
Los Angeles, CA
Small Business Owner
Why you remember her:
Other than owning a nail salon, the only notes I have written down about Danielle pertain to her boobs. She likes her boobs. Her boobs are on display big time. Her side boob is distasteful in my opinion, but what are you going to do when your dress plunges to your navel? Nick can’t stop staring at her boobs. Double D Danielle put it all out there.
Status: Rose

Danielle M.
31
Nashville, TN
Neonatal Nurse
Why you remember her:
Nashville is normal for the most part. Other than an unfortunate icebreaker when she dunks her finger in a homemade jar of syrup and smears it on Nick’s lips, this nurse is pretty mellow. Her dress has sleeves. Her boobs are covered. She is funny and real. Nashville will go far if she can hold it together. I think she’s a contender.
Status: Rose

Dominique
25
Los Angeles, CA
Restaurant Server (read: aspiring actress)
Why you remember her:
Sweet Dominique thinks she is so clever when she tells Nick with a sly smile, “Fourth time’s a charm!” Get your head in the game, Dominique. That’s the season slogan. Tighten up.
Status: Rose

Elizabeth
24
Dallas, TX
Marketing Manager
Why you remember her:
Elizabeth’s mom was right. There is another ocassion to wear your lacy debutant dress again! #winning
Status: Rose

Hailey
23
Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada
Photographer
Why you remember her:
Hailey: Do you know what a girl wearing underwear says?
Nick: No.
Hailey: Neither do I.
Lincee: It’s going to be a long, gross season. Pass the Germ Squirt.
Status: Rose

Ida Marie
23
Harlingen, TX
Sales Manager
Why you remember her:
After catching Ida Marie in a trust fall, Nick directs her to the rejection limo.
Status: No Rose

Jaimi
28
New Orleans, LA
Chef
Why you remember her:
SHE HAS BALLS. In her nose.
Status: Rose

Jasmine B.
25
Tacoma, WA
Flight Attendant
Why you remember her:
You don’t.
Status: No Rose

Jasmine G.
29
San Francisco, CA
Pro Basketball Dancer
Why you remember her:
Jasmine is the lucky winner of the drawing Mike Fleiss held during the pre-cocktail hour before the actual cocktail hour. It’s like Miss Congeniality, except instead of getting a sash, you get Neil Lane as an escort during your icebreaker. Uncle Neil looks exhausted, so he presents Nick’s dusty engagement rings from Andi and Kaitlyn’s season for Jasmine to choose. She looks gorgeous in her mint-colored gown. She is also denied by Nick when she tries to steal him away from a girl. This makes Jasmine cry and hyperventilate because she never expected to feel so rejected so soon. The doula talks her through it while the sholphin giggles.
Status: Rose

Josephine
24
Santa Cruz, CA
Unemployed Nurse
Why you remember her:
At first, you probably remember Josephine’s cat, disastrous hair extensions, and lack of bra. But the pièce de résistance is Josephine’s “You’re a wiener in my book” opening line. Atrocious. Her suggestion that they “Lady and the Tramp” said wiener will go down in Bachelor history as one of the most regrettable icebreakers in the franchise. Speeches will be written on this moment, teaching young minds that it only takes six seconds to make a first impression.The first sentences out of your mouth should never include the word wiener and please don’t force someone into eating a cold hot dog that has been perspiring in a hollow book for the better part of an evening. A nurse would know that. An unemployed one does not.
Status: Rose

Kristina
24
Lexington, KY
Dental Hygienist
Why you remember her:
The producers make a big show of Kristina crying about how she isn’t going to get a rose. Then she receives one. Does she have a Russian accent? Anyone?
Status: Rose

Lacey
25
Manhattan, NY
Digital Marketing Manager
Why you remember her:
Lacey likes a good hump. And camels. Thanks to a flailing dismount, we also know that she likes white underwear.
Status: Rose

Lauren
30
Naples, FL
Law School Graduate
Why you remember her:
Lauren starts off looking fabulous in a sparkling dress. Then she comments on how Nick’s last name (pronounced vile) and her last name (Hussy) squished together make them both disgusting sluts. A) Lauren is too old for this juvenile joke. B) Manners, Lauren! Nick may be a slut, but there’s no need for name calling.
Status: No Rose

Liz
29
Las Vegas, NV
Doula
Why you remember her:
Ah, Liz. Just in case you were watching the show live or tuning out during boring segments, producers ask Liz to mention once or twice or five times that she met Nick during Jade and Tanner’s wedding nine months ago. PS: They spent the night together. Not wanting to draw conclusions, I assume this means that they passed out together on the same bed. The producers are nervous that other sweet, innocent viewers like me would come to the same conclusion, so Liz clarifies once or twice or five times that they actually slept together, meaning, they had sex. Nick asked for her phone number and she declined. Was it a burn? We don’t know. But as she walks up to Nick, she basks in his confused face. She’s curious to see if he remembers her, but secretly hopes he doesn’t.

We’ve come a long way since Trista and Ryan, ladies and gentlemen. Lord help us all.

Nick “looks forward to getting to know her better inside” and then checks his little black book for “tall brunette with nose ring.” He tells Harrison that he’s ninety-nine-percent sure he’s met this girl before. Our Host does him a solid and confirms that yes, he did have relations with Liz once upon a time. Liz plays it coy inside, but Nick puts all of his cards on the table. He wants to know why she didn’t say something outside? Furthermore, why is she here? Liz laughs and explains that she didn’t want him to think she’s there because he’s the bachelor.

Uh, duh.

Nick presents his facts: She didn’t give him her number after their romp in the sack. That was her choice. According to Liz, she changed her tune after seeing Nick on Bachelor in Paradise. If she liked him, she could have easily called Jade or Tanner to get his number. Nick is skeptical. I am too. On a different note, raise your hand if you think Jade and Liz were Playboy models together.
Status: ABC Producer Rose

Michelle
24
Los Angeles, CA
Food Truck Owner
Why you remember her:
Michelle tells Nick that he’s had a lot of lemons, but she wants to help him make lemonade. Is that phrase so old it’s come back around again? Like denim overalls?
Staus: No Rose

Olivia
25
Anchorage, AK
Apparel Sales Representative
Why you remember her:
I had high hopes for the Eskimo. She was so pretty. She was big pimpin’ in her fur coat. No one threw red paint on her. No one gave her a rose either.
Status: No Rose

Rachel
31
Dallas, TX
Attorney
Why you remember her:
Rachel works hard and loves her job. She also loves dancing with her grandmother’s vacuum. She’s smart AND domestic. She comes from a big family. Nick comes from a big family. She knows where Wisconsin is located. She has quite the slit on her red dress and stands out in a big way to our bachelor. Rachel is definitely on his radar.
Status: First Impression Rose

Raven
25
Hoxie, AR
Fashion Boutique Owner
Raven likes a cold shoulder so much that she introduced me to the cold armpit. She loves faith, family, and football. Calling the hogs is a big deal (PIG SOOIE) when she’s not mudding, shooting guns, or walking on railroad tracks. Raven owns her own boutique in Arkansas but is very lonely. Somewhere in Iowa, a Farmer fires up the John Deere tractor to make the ten-hour trek down I-35. HE’S COMING FOR YOUR RAVEN!
Status: Rose

Sarah
26
Newport Beach, CA
Grade School Teacher
Why you remember her:
Sarah runs up to our bachelor in vintage Nikes to the tune of some sweet eighties workout music. She’s a runner-up. Get it? Her dress is terrible but the icebreaker does the trick. Nick laughs and we never see her again.
Status: Rose

Susannah
26
San Diego, CA
Account Manager
Why you remember her:
Susannah massages Nick’s beard.

Status: No Rose

Taylor
23
Seattle, WA
Mental Health Counselor
Why you remember her:
When she’s not roller blading in her bikini, Taylor regales Nick with tales of how her friends think he’s a complete jack wagon. She hopes that’s not true. She’s eager to try out mental health exercises on him and the other girls. Also, she wore a crimson slip as a dress. #millennials
Status: Rose

Vanessa
29
Montreal, Quebec, Canada
Special Education Teacher
Why you remember her:
Vanessa exits the limo in a black and white dress that doubles as an optical illusion. She speaks French, asking Nick to repeat after her. It sounded something like this:

That one exchange has Nick declaring that Vanessa is a keeper. She has an admirable job, an Italian family that she loves, a reasonable head on her shoulders, and chemistry with our bachelor. I have no doubt she will go far. She will also be the House Mom of the group.
Status: Rose

Whitney
25
Chanhassen, MN
Pilates Instructor
Why you remember her:
I’m looking forward to learning who this woman is in the next episode.
Status: Rose

What did you think of Bachelor Nick’s premiere episode?  Will Corinne reign as our villain? How far will Rachel go as the first impression rose girl? Is it Vanessa’s to lose? Do you think he will keep Liz around for a while? More importantly, is it a shark or a dolphin?

I’ll see you in the comment section. It’s great to be back!

Photo By: ABC.com

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