Bachelor Nick recap: Bridezilla

Bachelor Nick recap: Episode 2

I was talking to my friends this morning at Star 104 in Erie, PA, and one of the hosts (Murphy of Jessica and Murphy in the Morning) took the interview in a unique direction. He asked the listening audience if Corinne reminded them of anyone? My brain kept going to Erica Rose who insisted on wearing a crown the entire time during her season. Some Guy in Austin calls her Verruca Salt from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. Murphy thinks she acts exactly like Courtney Robertson, the “winner” from Ben the Wine Guy’s season.

HE IS EXACTLY RIGHT. Think about it.

I get that Corinne hails from multi-million dollar privilege and I assume she acquires anything and everything her (possibly fabricated) heart desires. But being a wealthy socialite has nothing to do with her villainous role. Here’s the deal: Corrine is gifted at commanding a room, manipulating a situation, and disregarding those around her. Courtney was the exact same way. Although Courtney waited until week five to go topless, while Core flung her bikini top in the direction of her photo shoot audience in week two, I understand Murphy’s point and can’t help but see similarities.

Remember how everyone HATED Courtney and the entire cast was floored by Wine Guy’s blind spot for their fellow cast member? Who cares that Courtney was naked the majority of her time in the mansion. The girl was devious. We’re talking Regina George devious. So is Corinne.

The one chink in Corinne’s armor is her age. At twenty-four, she just might be a little too arrogant to harness the patience it takes to meticulously calculate each and every move. She’s already doing a poor job of remembering that cameras have this thing called “film” in them and technology allows us to play back said film so producers can catch you in wild exaggerations of slightly dramatic moments.

Unfortunately, this means she’ll probably make it far.

The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you Snap Chat happen to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the CrossFit trainer who was slightly disappointed but mostly pleased with the Gilmore Girls revival and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

After two hours of sleep, the ABC Intern pours a round of mimosas to help our bachelorettes steady themselves for the wonder that is Our Host Chris Harrison. He breezes into the sunken living room wearing a gorgeous denim shirt like the boss he is. Although the man could wear a burlap sack and still look put together, I personally think he should wear blue every day of his life. In his eyes (the light, the heat), in his eyes (I can’t compete).

Harrison gives them the 4-1-1 on this week’s dating situations. There will be two group dates and one one-on-one date. PS: Not everyone will get time with Nick. In fact, most will not get screen time either, unless your name is Corinne or Liz.

He draws an envelope from his back pocket, drops it on the table, and saunters out the door to have drinks at the Beverly Wilshire with J-Lo and Drake. Josephine picks up the card and stands before her peers. Her black doily “blouse” was a feat of engineering that featured low hanging sleeves, yet managed to be sleeveless as well. She makes the announcement of the lucky girls attending the first group date.

“Always a Bridesmaid”
Danielle L.

The twelve girls giggle, rush out to the driveway, and squeal when they see three royal blue convertibles donated by the good people over at Buick. They quickly poll one another to see who is old enough to drive before making their way down the 101 to fake marry the man of their dreams.

Nick greets the girls, encourages them to step out of their comfort zone, and pleads with them to just have fun. You know, like he did all three previous seasons. Nothing will help the women feel more safe and secure in their infant relationship with Nick than putting half of them in themed wedding gowns and then making the others stand in a line watching everything from their front-row bridesmaids seat. Count me in!

Franco, the charismatic wedding photographer, needs a permanent position on this show. ABC should hire him as the official photographer of The Bachelor. Especially if he continues to wear kaleidoscope rompers with matching blue-tinted aviator sunglasses. You go, Franco.

Corinne is feeling this date. She was given the beach wedding theme and takes great pride prancing around in her white string bikini. She reminds us that she got the first kiss, her name was called first on the date card, and she has the sexiest outfit. Like Courtney Robertson, she’s #winning.

Did you see her face as Brittany walked in with nothing but a pair of extra-small panties covered in seven tiny green leaves? It looks like “Adam and Eve” wedding trumps beach wedding in the skimpy outfit department. It doesn’t help that all the girls praise Brittany for having such an amazing body. Corinne pounds the champagne to cope. Franco tells the girls that he’s looking for a connection with Nick. We’re unsure if he meant his own connection or the girls’. Whoever has the best shoot gets a surprise. LET’S DO THIS!

Las Vegas Wedding
Who’s She Again?: The teacher who ran up to Nick wearing Nikes
Sarah wears a strapless dress in Nick’s favorite colors: short and tight. They pose in front of an American flag for a few minutes before Sarah kneels down to hug Nick’s crotch. If I’ve seen this once at the Justice of the Peace, I’ve seen it a thousand times.

Biker Wedding
Who’s She Again?: She told the underwear joke during her icebreaker. We all slathered in Germ Squirt afterwards.
Hailey really, really, really likes Nick. I’m not sure if he knows who she is yet. This didn’t stop him from placing her hand on his own butt. Her dress was a little lacy and a little leather. Nick was in all leather and looked extremely uncomfortable. The red bandana around his arm did not make him look tough like Franco thought it would. Nick throws a couple of gang signs for good measure. I think the Bandidos are looking for him now.

Shotgun Wedding
Who’s She Again?: The shark. Or the sholphin. Not to be confused with a dolphin.
Alexis has never heard of a shotgun wedding before. I found this endearing for some reason. You can imagine her surprise when the ABC wardrobe department shoves a fake belly bump under her maternity bridal gown. I’m sorry, Alexis, but you’re not going to dress in red-and-white gingham and have your picture taken in a deer stand. Instead, you’re going to lay on the ground and pretend you’re giving birth. Charming.

Eighties Wedding
Who’s She Again?: The special education teacher we like who seems to have a normal head on her shoulders.
Poor Vanessa looks ridiculous. Therefore, she has to own the ridiculousness of the moment. Not only does she have to negotiate hundreds of yards of fabric, but wardrobe gives her a hideous headpiece. Then they stick her with three bridesmaids in seafoam green dresses, complete with seafoam green gloves. Naturally Jasmine (dancer), Raven (call the hogs), and Elizabeth (mystery girl) hate being on the sidelines in something from David Bridal’s sale section from 1982. Jasmine shoves Vanessa out of the way and kisses Nick. Franco L-O-V-E-S it. Nick looks bored.

Traditional Wedding
Danielle L.
Who’s She Again?: Boobs McGee
Danielle stands like a traditional bride in a traditional gown with a traditionally dressed man by her side. I guess in these types of weddings, there’s only one bridesmaid and poor Lacey (who likes a good hump and hates lilac dresses) had to smile lovingly as Danielle presses her chest against the man of both their dreams. Lacey finally takes the bull by the horns, leans in, and gives Nick a big old kiss right in front of his bogus bride.

Lacey: Tastes like Danielle.

Princess Wedding
Who’s She Again?: Smart, exotic millennial who likes to roller blade in her bikini.
Taylor is given a huge dome-shaped gown, complete with tiara. I thought this was the moment Disney was going to advertise their live version of Beauty and the Beast as Taylor and Nick waltzed through a huge ballroom. That didn’t happen. Instead, Franco insists that Taylor tell Nick how she truly feels in the moment. Taylor refuses. Franco insists again. Nick stands there like a bump on a log. Taylor finally concedes and confesses that she likes her faux groom. They share a sweet kiss.

Adam and Eve Wedding
Who’s She Again?: Nurse who snapped on rubber gloves
Thanks to strategically placed foliage, we will now remember Brittany as Eve. Hair and makeup team clips in long, fake extensions so ABC doesn’t have to waste the graphics design department’s precious time by having to insert black modesty boxes over her boobs. Her polyester hair cover them right up! Nick waltzes onto the scene and the wedding party goes nuts. Several innuendos were dropped. Talks of “needing a bigger leaf” were mentioned. During the photo shoot, the modesty boxes come out in full force, along with other things. Brit and Nick share an apple and long, luxurious kisses. Everyone cheers for some reason, except Corinne who refused to participate. Stand back, ladies. Hurricane Regina is about to hit category five at her own beach wedding.

Beach Wedding
Who’s She Again?: Her milkshakes bring all the boys to the yard
Since Franco doesn’t have immediate access to a beach, he plops Nick and Corinne in the shallow end of a swimming pool a few feet away from the back veranda where the other girls pretend not to gawk. After a few seconds of hugging her body up against Nick, Corinne decides to remove her bikini top. She considers this action both brave and bold. I personally think I’ve seen four more boobs than I’ve cared to see in one episode, but I keep watching from the safety of my permanent spot behind the couch cushion.

The next thing I see (read: hear) is Corrine ordering Nick to “Janet Jackson my boobs.” The tartlet continues to whisper for him to, “Grab them. Grab my boobs. Just grab them. Janet Jackson style. It will be cool. Grab them. Grab them. Grab them.” Call me crazy, but Nick seemed to wrestle with this demand. On one hand, if he responds enthusiastically she has the power and is in control. In the other hand, a well-constructed, so lifelike it could be real, female breast.

Guess which one he picks?

Franco deems Corrine the winner. Her special prize is the equivalent of the scented markers you can purchase with redeemed tickets at Dave & Buster’s. She and Nick sit on top of a car that says, “Just Married.” Franco shoots one last round of film before driving our sweet couple down the gravel path.

During the cocktail party, Corinne tells everyone that Nick is the first person to ever hold her boobs that way. Awesome. Maybe we’ll celebrate this boob-aversary on January 9, 2018. She’s the first to steal Nick away. As she showers Nick with accolades of being, like, so charming, the other girls are sure Corinne is not here for the same reasons (this year’s “right reasons”). Jasmine thinks she’s not wife material. Taylor has met girls like her and they never end up friends. Corinne returns and makes another announcement: She’s pretty sure her left nip was hanging out of her shirt the entire time she was talking to Nick. Whoops.

Between that and no one ever holding her boobs Janet Jackson style, Corinne is well on her way to crossing off several items on her skanky bucket list.

Arkansas Raven interrupts Nick’s make out sesh with Lacey. She sits twelve inches away from him on the couch and opts to have an actual conversation with our bachelor. Nick asks about her last relationship. Raven explains it was eight months ago and they broke up because she walked in on him with another girl.

Nick: What did you learn?
Raven: It didn’t make me bitter. It made me want a good guy.

Interesting. Would we label Nick as a good guy? Also, what are the odds she’s going to walk in on “her boyfriend” with another girl during this journey?

Raven proves that she’s in the running by being honest with Nick. He likes this about Raven. She calls him a jack wagon, admits she attracted to jack wagons because they speak their minds, and I watch as relaxed Nick suddenly makes his first appearance of the night.

Nick moves on to the sholphin and is immediately interrupted by Corrine who just spoke with Nick five seconds ago. She “saw an opportunity to talk to Nick” and chastises the other girls who didn’t make any bold moves to swoop in. Nick humors her.

During Taylor’s alone time, she answers all of Nick’s E-Harmony profile questions. She got her bachelor’s degree in three years and tacked on a masters from Johns Hopkins University for good measure. As she dives into the relationship-defining “ocean or mountains” conundrum, Corinne returns AGAIN to steal Taylor away because she didn’t want to leave without saying good-bye with her tongue.

Taylor returns to the girls who are livid that Corinne has triple dipped in quality time with our bachelor. They rally around Taylor and convince her to steal Nick back. Nick is thrilled when Taylor returns. Daggers come out of Corinne’s eyes. How dare Taylor re-interrupt her! Corinne thinks Taylor’s behavior is extremely rude.

When Taylor returns to the couch by the coffee table, Corinne makes her move. She claims that she has no hard feelings. Taylor looks at her as if to say, “Come again?” Corinne asks if she has a problem with anything? Taylor says no.

Corinne: As long as we don’t have a situation about the situation, we’re okay.
Taylor: I’m okay.
Corinne: You seem hesitant about being okay.
Taylor: I’m okay.
Corinne: Good. I want you to be okay.

Corinne tells the camera a different version of this exchange that includes neck twerking and eye rolls.

Back to our previous scene, Corinne takes this time to recite the soliloquy she’s had memorized since sixth grade.

Corinne: We are all here for the same reasons (same reasons.) It’s going to be uncomfortable. It’s going to be weird. You will be interrupted. Some will get re-interrupted. You have to be true to yourself. Be here for yourself. I care for Nick. That’s it.

Taylor itches to grab a legal pad so she can analyze Corinne, as Nick hands the date rose the bare breasted villain, thereby validating her behavior.

Raven: If Nick likes girls who lead with their sexuality, then it’s no wonder this is his fourth time. That’s mean. But it’s true.

Congratulations, Raven. You just moved up into my top four!

The next morning, Lacey (who likes a good hump) smiles as Corinne drones on and on about that time Nick was forced totally grabbed her bare boobs. She thinks Nick is so cool for looking her in the eyes while she spoke. She totally “won” the day. #winning #clone

I bet Nick was imagining texting someone on his cell phone.

Everyone else wonders if Nick gave Corinne the rose because she chose to go topless? Well, everyone except Liz and that chick passed out in the kitchen behind the smoothie bar.

I’m not sure if you know this, but Liz hooked up with Nick at Jade and Tanner’s wedding. She’s been dying to share this secret with someone. She chooses Christen (yellow dress/fan girl) who promises to keep all information to herself. There’s absolutely no judgment.

For the next three days (or three wardrobe changes), Liz gives a meticulous account of her time with Nick. Because ABC is a family channel that sometimes borders on Cinemax, the viewing audience wasn’t privy to most of the conversation. We picked up pieces in various chunks, including:

  • It was awkward.
  • It was super awkward.
  • Cut to Liz acting like a robot.
  • Cut to me forcing Connie to lean against the couch cushion I am currently hiding behind.
  • There was lots of alcohol.
  • Intermittent sex and talking and sex and talking.
  • Cut to Christen’s jaw hanging open.
  • Once again, it was awkward.
  • Aco-Taco
  • The verdict is still out if she got that massive back tattoo the night of their tryst.

“Our Relationship is About to Take Off”
Who’s She Again?: We call her Nashville.
We didn’t get to see much of Danielle’s date because the camera kept going back to Liz and Christen during their Confessions of a Drunken Bridesmaid session. The date began on a helicopter ride over the Santa Monica Pier. The helicopter then landed on a tricked out yacht in Newport Beach where champagne and cheese were served. Nick likes Nashville because they are from the same hometown. They make out on a couch before hitting the hot tub. Here’s hoping he didn’t contract herpes yesterday!

Nashville repurposes a black satin pillowcase into a super fun jumper for dinner. She admits that she doesn’t know much about Nick, except what she saw on Bachelor in Paradise. He mumbles something about Andi and Kaitlyn and how he felt foolish and blindsided by being left in a vulnerable position at the end of his stint on the show both times. Nashville looks likes she’s about to nod off. She must work the night shift. Or her pajama romper makes her sleepy.

Nick shakes her awake. This makes her feel safe, so she shares her own background. To make a sad story short, her fiancé died of an overdose. It was a complete shock that he was an addict. She doesn’t like to tell people this story.

Nick is kind. He validates her fiancé’s love for her, suggests Nash to remember the good times, and encourages her to replicate those moments. She says it’s the best conversation she’s ever had regarding her past. He takes her to the Ferris Wheel and holds on for dear life as they mug down at the top of the ride.

If you’re a bird, I’m a bird.

“We Need To Talk”

Josephine fights a panic attack, which is more annoying that adorable. Kristina looks forward to getting to know Nick. I look forward to figuring out who she is and Liz is eager to get some alone time with our bachelor so she can clear the air about that time she slept with him at Jade and Tanner’s wedding.

Nick takes the girls to something called The Museum of Broken Relationships, which is code for, “How The ABC Intern Spent The Night Before.” The goal is to figure out which relic Nick donated to the museum last night. Is it the cheerleader outfit? The journal? That weird shrine? Those implants? Just as I shout for the girls to look for a burned copy of “It’s Not Okay” by Andi Dorfman, someone spies the stem of a dead rose thread through a phat Neil Lane diamond engagement ring. What else was Nick supposed to do with the token of love he had for Kaitlyn? Why put it behind some plexiglass, of course.

Nick strategizes that giving this ring to Heartbreak Hotel was the first step in moving on to a positive place. He doesn’t see weird stuff when he looks around this store front that was previously abandoned twenty-four hours ago. He sees hope.

Liz tries to take that theme of hope and douse it all over her own situation. Nick repeatedly ignores her, never once looking in her direction. It’s as if she didn’t exist. I wish some of these ladies’ bohemian outfits didn’t exist. I should never write “boob awning” as a description of what you’re wearing.

Suddenly, the group hears screaming. Oh look! It’s two people from the local community theater pretending to break up with each other! Isn’t performance art fun?

The director of the museum (read: the director of the community theater) tells our group that they will each be breaking up with Nick in front of a live audience.

This is a terrible idea.

Who’s She Again?: One of the brunettes.
Astrid tells Nick that she can’t accept his rose. Nick vows he never gave her one. She snaps it in half and walks off the stage. The people who were in the Starbucks next door a few minutes ago politely clap.

Who’s She Again?: Russian
She’s also an oral hygienist and breaks up with Nick because he doesn’t care for his teeth. She suggests he gargles with Vodka next time.

Who’s She Again?: SHE HAS BALLS
Jam breaks up with Nick because he leaves his dirty dishes in the sink. She also doesn’t like that he leaves his dirty underwear on the floor and facial hair in the sink. Kudos to Nick for countering, “I thought you liked that!”

Who’s She Again?: Yellow dress; Secret Keeper
Christen rambles on about blow drying her hair and being fat. The banter was forced because Nick said, “Well, you should take better care of yourself.” Christen doesn’t want to play anymore.

Who’s She Again?: Spaztastic wiener girl
Josephine is quickly vying for official conductor of the Crazy Train. She walks up to Nick and slaps the fire out of his face before asking, “How many bottles will I have to pick up before you lose me?” She was on the verge of tears. Hide your bunnies, dear readers. Fun fact: This is the first time Nick’s ever been slapped.

Who’s She Again?: She slept with Nick and Jade and Tanner’s wedding
Liz wears a nursing bra with a body suit and then drapes a blanket around her shoulders. Strike one. Then she reads from her journal about that time she and Nick slept together at Jade and Tanner’s wedding. Strike two. The girls felt that she was “so raw” with her emotions. All Nick was thinking was, “Did she tell anyone else?” as he twirls his thumbs. She explains that she wasn’t ready to let Nick fully in, which may explain why their rendezvous was awkward in Liz’s opinion.

I wanted Liz to walk off the stage and into a waiting limo. Instead, she pauses a full ten seconds before giving Nick permission to break character. What’s the opposite of funny? That’s what this was. Liz felt “acknowledged” for the few minutes Nick made eye contact with her. Jade should also feel acknowledged. Nick is never going to date someone in her circle of friends again.

That night, Nick greets the women in his formal camouflage dinner jacket and toasts to a fun-filled party. He doesn’t want to waste any more time thinking about Liz. He wants to make connections and he really tries with Astrid and Russia. Jaimi pulls him out of his funk for a split second when she casually mentions her last relationship was with another woman. She promises she won’t go after the same girl Nick wants. SHE HAS BALLS.

Christen uses her alone time to check on Nick’s emotional well-being. He thinks she’s being kind, but then he realizes that Christen has a suspicious undertone.

Christen: Things were tense.
Nick: When?
Christen: With you and Liz. It probably made you uncomfortable.
Lincee: Amen, sister.
Nick: How so?
Christen: Because of what she told me.
Nick: Which was…
Christen: She came here because she wanted to get to know you better.
Nick: Yeah.
Christen: And that y’all had drinks and spent…some…time…together…
Lincee: Two can keep a secret if one of them is dead.
Christen: She said you hooked up and had sex.
Nick: Did she mention where?
Nick: I appreciate you sharing.
Christen: I have no problem building on this information.
Lincee: Jesus take the wheel.

Nick escorts Christen back to the party and requests a private audience with Liz. She was wearing a nineties romper. With a cape. Nick shares that Christen just spilled the beans. Liz is mortified.

Nick: We were adults who had a fun night. You showed up here. It was a pleasant surprise. I had fun with you, but I never heard from you. We didn’t exchange numbers, but we have a mutual friend. If you wanted to pursue a relationship with me, why did I not hear from you?
Liz: I don’t like talking to people on the phone who I don’t know. Plus, you were in Paradise.
Nick: For a month.
Liz: I didn’t really know you. Except in the Biblical sense.
Nick: To be honest, I considered that night as good-bye. Now thinking back on this one-day, three date journey, I feel like there are other things going on. Based on our previous conversation and the one we’re having right now, I don’t think we have a future. I think it’s best if we end it. Again.

Bye Felicia.

Nick watches as Liz teeters down the steps into a rejection limo. She isn’t given the courtesy of an exit interview and Mike Fleiss arranges for Jade and Tanner to receive another year’s worth of FabFitFun boxes as a thank you for the most dramatic second episode ever.

Nick takes his time wandering back to the other ladies. He doesn’t regret what he did or who he did, but now he’s nervous that the women will think he’s been lying this whole time.

Jaimi is the first to comment on how long Nick visited with Liz upon his return. He explains that he sent her home. The girls all respond with a demure amount of shock and awe.

Nick: I met Liz before. At a wedding.
Lincee: Jade and Tanner’s?
Nick: Yes. I have to level with you guys. Liz and I had sex that night.


How will the girls respond? What will the others say when they share the news back at the mansion? Will Corinne give up her “first” status? Are Nick’s pants tighter than they ever have been before? Sound off in the comments section. I’ll see you there!

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