Bachelor Nick Recap: Nick’s Not the Only One Who’s Back
Bachelor Nick Recap Episode 3:
How many of you experienced an “Everybody” earworm last night? Please tell me I’m not the only one who proclaimed “Lincee’s back, ALRIGHT!” until the wee hours of the morning. Unlike Corinne, I have sleep issues. Flashing back to 1997 to mentally sing and dance along to a pop hit made famous by the fifth best boy band on the planet may be fun, but it makes for a groggy morning.
I know what you’re thinking. I would never leave you hanging.
TOP BOY BANDS ON THE PLANET
1. New Kids on the Block
2. Boyz II Men
4. Jackson 5
5. Backstreet Boys
Honorable Mention: Hanson
Before we throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em around like we just don’t care, we have to discuss Nick’s confession and the rose ceremony. As always, let’s keep this a spoiler-free zone!
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you Snap Chat happen to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the CrossFit trainer who was slightly disappointed but mostly pleased with the Gilmore Girls revival and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.
We launch into the morning after where Russia is giving the 4-1-1 on what went down the night before. The camera cuts back to Nick, sitting with the group date girls moments after he gave Liz the boot, explaining in less-than-vague detail that he had a one night stand (which included making whoopee) with this bridesmaid he met at Jade and Tanner’s wedding. That bridesmaid was Liz.
Nick goes on to say that Liz wasn’t interested in keeping in touch, so he left that night as a simple notch in his bedpost. He made sure they all knew that he hadn’t communicated with Liz and that her inclusion in the show’s cast roster was quite a surprise. Liz may be ready to find love, but it isn’t with him. He encourages everyone to ask questions. No one did.
Of course they all have questions once they sleep off their hangovers the next day. What are his intentions? Why did he keep this a secret? Did he make his rose ceremony tie out of his grandmother’s formal living room drapes Fräulein Maria style?
Buckle up, Nick. It’s going to be a long night.
Vanessa and a handful of others have an issue with Nick’s trip to Pleasure Town with Liz. The rest seem perfectly content. Danielle who uses her alone time to pet our bachelor’s arms. As they intertwine each other’s fingers, Nick pulls this move:
A debate rippled through our group. We watched it several times. I feel a poll is in order to truly decide if this move is smooth. Forget about the person executing it for a moment and concentrate on the action. Is it swoon-worthy?
Good news! Corinne has whipped up something special for Nick on the freshly sprayed driveway. The cameras catch her slithering into a trench coat with nothing on underneath. The Black Modesty Box works hard to cover her nether regions. She invites Nick to join her on a red fluffy dog bed that has been placed in front of the fountain. He accepts. She asks him to please pass the Reddi Wip. He does.
Voices of outrage escap all of our mouths. Susan rocks beside me muttering, “No no no no no no no.” I dove behind a couch in another room. Emily checks the fantasy league questions to see if there is any mention of Reddi Wip. Audrey rolls her eyes and takes a sip of wine. Lara begs the moment to be more romantic. Connie’s jaw drops. Stephanie Googles how to properly spell “Reddi Wip” so she can Tweet about it. Reddi Wip reTweets.
But it is Amy who says what we are all thinking: “This is going to be gross.”
Followed moments later by Lindsay’s, “Remember when Corinne tried to make Reddi Wip sexy?”
Suddenly, I’m back in the nineties again as Corinne channels that girl from Varsity Blues who made a bikini out of whipped cream for Dawson (as in Creek). Corinne squirts an outline of her own whipped cream bikini around her upper boobage, enticing our bachelor to partake in the buffet. Nick tries really hard to “appreciate everything that is Corinne, while respecting the other women in the house.” This doesn’t stop him from taking a quick lick.
All the other girls spy from the windows and front door. Nick vows to “not give into the moment” on national TV. He cautions Corinne to not get herself in trouble just as Jasmine saunters outside to take a turn around the fountain. Jasmine acts unfazed when she stumbles upon Nick sitting on a dog bed in the balmy night air with a half-naked girl in a trench coat.
Corinne launches into full crybaby mode when Nick invites Jasmine to wait up. He leaves Corinne to go join the party. She melts down in the bathroom in front of one of the blondes. That “conversation” was so bad for her relationship with Nick. Mascara streams down her face. She hasn’t experienced rejection before, so she never thought to invest in a good tube of waterproof mascara. She takes to her bed because the struggle is real.
Downstairs, Nick preps for the rose ceremony. A quick head count reveals only two ladies with roses. Or maybe you can “feel” when your stalker’s not around. I’m not sure.
There’s Nashville, wearing a long moon necklace. He sees Christen in a red cold-shoulder number. Her date rose was such an afterthought that it didn’t score any air time. No one seems to care that Corinne isn’t there. Nick considers the gesture completely disrespectful to him and the process.
The scene switches to Corinne, sleeping in her trench coat. The ABC Intern sneaks up to her bed and places a long-stemmed red rose next to her pillow. You know her boobs are so sticky.
Nick hands roses to:
Danielle Boobs McGee
The blondes are out. Elizabeth and Lacey leave with very few tears. Hailey, on the other hand, loses it. At first I thought she was so upset because she was an overtired twenty-three-year-old. Then I realized she was sad that she never got the opportunity to show Nick her bra.
FIRST GROUP DATE
Our Host Chris Harrison makes his first appearance of the episode. Although his grey shirt is not my favorite, he still manages to exude hotness without even trying. He drops the date card on the coffee table and leaves, choosing not to participate in the chaos that is about to ensue.
The Backstreet Boys enter the sunken living room and the girls go nuts. I expected someone to say, “MY MOM LOVED YOU,” but no one does. Instead they all geek out remembering the days when they listened to the BSB in elementary school. A few reflect on sweet memories of the boys’ music playing at super fun bat mitzvahs. Corinne offers them one of her millions to play at Raquel’s next work anniversary brunch. It was a productive morning.
The group date girls put on their best workout clothes before rushing to the limo where the mimosas flow freely. When they arrive at an abandoned warehouse in Burbank, Corinne jumps into Nick’s arms (the bachelor, not the Backstreet Boy) to prove that she is here for the right reasons (right reasons). BSB Nick announces that they are performing a live show that night, conveniently pimping out that they need the time to practice for their upcoming Vegas residency at Planet Hollywood. They also need backup dancers to help them out. PS: The girl who works the hardest and has the best chemistry with Bachelor Nick will get a surprise at the end.
Here’s what we learn during the dance session: Danielle and Jasmine are the clear frontrunners in the dance department. Taylor has abs. Lots of them. Russia has no idea who the Backstreet Boys are, but phones it in with aplomb. Christen has a crush on Nick. He could be her father. BSB Kevin doesn’t dance. He must have had recent hip replacement earlier this year. Whitney is still a mystery and Corinne cries in the bathroom again because all of her confidence fell off and landed on the other girls.
There’s no crying at iHart Radio concerts. Even the ones that are thrown together last minute by a very overworked ABC Intern. Corinne has to suck it up, put on the red and black spandex costume, the choker necklace, and pretend she knows what she’s doing.
Nick and his all-girl posse bounce onto the stage to perform the “Everybody” dance we all learned back in the day when MTV played music videos. Nick isn’t horrible. Danielle pulls focus. As a result, she is awarded the special alone time with Nick. For three minutes and thirty-three seconds, she gets to awkwardly sway back and forth as the Backstreet Boys serenade an acoustic version of “I Want It That Way.” Nick tries not to grab her butt. The other girls look on, horrified. Corinne deems it the worst day of her life. The audience SnapChats with that enchanted deer filter asking their followers to, “Tell me why?”
Later that night, Corinne puts on the same dress she wore for that kid’s bat mitzvah once upon a time and whisks Nick away before he has a chance to sit down with the rest of the girls. She needs him to know that she’s sorry she wasn’t at the rose ceremony the night before. She was just upset about their Reddi Wip date debacle.
Corinne: Am I original?
Corinne: Am I the only one?
Nick: Technically, you’re one of 18.
Corinne: Am I sexual?
Nick: I think we’ve covered that.
Corinne: Am I everything you need? You better rock your body now.
Nick: Excuse me, but my body is pretty rocked.
Corinne kisses Nick passionately and announces to the camera that she made Corinne great again. She makes that her 0-1-7 slogan and then lays down on a couch to catch a few Z’s.
Some theorize that Corinne has narcolepsy. I disagree. Others think she my have mononucleosis. Time will tell. Is she perpetually drunk and unable to hold her liquor? Quite possibly. Personally, I believe that she’s used to Raquel putting her down once or twice a day. When you miss an afternoon nap, that can throw your entire schedule off.
While Corinne sleeps and the rest of the girls complain about Corinne’s whereabouts, Danielle revisits her slow dance with Nick. Instead of eighth-grade in the gym with balloon arches, they settle into something a little bit more on the Dirty Dancing side. Johnny Castle would be proud. There was clear and present butt cuppage. At the moment, Danielle is his fire. His one desire. Believe me when I say, that Nick wants it that way. So he gives her the date rose.
Corinne finally wakes up from her power nap. She’s cranky. Typically Raquel feeds her cucumber slices after nappies, but Raquel isn’t here. Sad face. She complains to Jasmine, who automatically assumes that Corinne has children. Why else would she have a nanny? Corinne scoffs. You can tell she’s had this conversation with people before and is SO OVER the fact that a twenty-four-year-old having a nanny is such a surprise to some people.
Corinne: Raquel keeps my life together, okay? She makes sure my bed is made every morning, makes my cucumbers, and like my vegetable slices for lunch. She makes me lemon salad. She knows exactly how much oil, lemon, and garlic salt I like. And cheese pasta. I have tried so many times to make cheese pasta. I can’t make a cheese pasta like her.
Jasmine: Do you wash your own clothes?
Corinne: I don’t. But she just does it. And you know what? It makes her happy and I’m not going to zap a woman’s happiness.
- Cheese pasta = Kraft Macaroni and Cheese. Sixty seconds in the microwave and you’re done.
- Bless her heart.
- Ten bucks says Raquel is making six figures cleaning the toilet of this multi-million dollar business owner.
“You Make Me Feel Like I’m Floating”
I have a theory that everyone looks better in sunglasses. Nick is no exception. He’s no Maverick, but he did look handsome standing in front of that plane. I love that Vanessa whispered, “Are we going sky diving? Because I don’t want to sky dive.”
No, Vanessa. You’re going up in a zero gravity plane that offers its passengers a weightlessness experience, just like you’re in space! You’re practically an astronaut. Have fun!
Vanessa and Nick float around the cabin in pure bliss. Both are having a ball. Vanessa’s hair looks awesome. Can you imagine Caila’s perfect locks in that same scenario? For the first time in Bachelor history, Vanessa performs a zero gravity jump and straddle (trademark pending) or a float and straddle (trademark pending) if you will. Nick wants a zero gravity makeout sesh and everything is going according to plan until Vanessa turns a wicked shade of green.
SOMEONE GET HER A BARF BAG! PINEAPPLE, PINEAPPLE, PINEAPPLE!
Poor Vanessa pukes multiple times as Nick looks on. He strokes her whimsical hair, comforts her the best he can while floating, and kisses her so she knows that, like Danielle, she too is his fire. His one desire.
For those of you wondering, Nick reported that Vanessa tasted fine. Thank you zero gravity lady for having Doublemint gum in your pocket for emergencies such as these.
Vanessa takes this experiences and metaphors the crap out of it. The zero gravity solidified her need for support, someone to ground her, having a constant connection. Now that she’s developing certain emotions for him, the Canadian needs to know just how deep Nick’s feelings went in previous seasons.
When Nick talks about Andi, you can tell he really loked (like/love) her. The pain is still there. He doesn’t speak the same about Kaitlyn or old What’s Her Name from Paradise, but he does say his heart has been broken twice. His biggest fear is that it will happen again, even when he’s in the driver’s seat. Can he trust his own emotions? I think that’s a valid question. This is the moment he chooses to cry. Vanessa eats it up with a spoon. He gives her the rose. Say hello to our current first-place contestant, eh?
SECOND GROUP DATE
Alexis the Sholphin
Sarah the Teacher
“I’m Done Playing the Field”
The girls find Nick running a few laps around a local high school track. They all look fabulous in their Fabletics sportswear. Nick introduces Olympians Carl Lewis, Allyson Felix, and Michelle Carter. They are going to help the girls compete for the gold medal — which is Nick’s heart.
A quick warm-up proves that Astrid’s boobs are real and that her particular Fabletic sports bra is in no condition to support what’s in store for it today. Astrid decides to laugh about her poor to look cute verses in place. Hopefully, her bouncing boobs will help secure the rose.
The girls recite a bunch of awful puns while competing in a javelin throw, long jump, and high jump. I think it’s appropriate to remind everyone right now that as of the last time I checked, I am still a record holder for the Hallsville Junior High female high jump. You have my permission to be impressed by both my talents and the ABC Intern’s large printing skills. Nick’s mug on a high jump mat? Nice touch!
The Olympians pick Rachel, Alexis, and Astrid as the finalists. They have to run in a 100-meter-dash, grab a big fake diamond ring, and rush it over to Nick who will be waiting for them in a hot tub in the visitor’s end zone. Rachel smokes the other girls, but fumbles the ring in the last seconds. She falls back to step on the ring (smashing it to bits) before Astrid, who is in third place, can grab it. Fortunately for Astrid, the fake diamond takes a good bounce and she snatches it up. She trots to the hot tub, takes off her shoes, and hops in fully clothed in her Fabletics. Who knew they doubled as sportswear AND swimwear? Kate Hudson is a genius.
Dominique starts to self implode at the cocktail party. She’s intimidated by bigger personalities and has to go to the bathroom to cry it out. Rachel encourages her to just be normal and insert herself into conversations with Nick. She gives Dominque an example by inserting her tongue into Nick’s mouth. See? Easy peasy. Even the Sholphin makes out with Nick on the high jump mat.
Dominique holds her boobs (?) and summons the courage to approach Nick. Instead of following the good lawyer’s instructions, she breaks one of the cardinal rules of the Bachelor franchise. Dom accuses Nick of not paying enough attention to her. Nick apologizes for stringing her along and bids her adieu. The ABC Intern calls an black SUV Uber to take Domonique home. No one was expecting this. Rachel gets the date rose.
Harrison makes a second appearance, wearing a lovely purple oxford shirt. The visit is quick, because he’s about to go party with the Backstreet Boys who are waiting in his limo. Hare lets the ladies know that Nick would rather have a pool party than a cocktail party. Seventeen hoodlums run over each other to find their skimpiest bikinis. No bikini in the world rivals Jasmine’s. In fact, let’s not call it a bikini. It was three tiny triangles of material held together by a string.
Nick arrives and everyone cheers when he takes his shirt off. Well, everyone but Corinne. She’s too busy bossing the ABC Intern on where to place the bouncy house. Nick loves that Corinne is so fun and playful. He also loves when she dry humps him in the bouncy castle. The producers hint to the other girls that something is going down in the driveway. Everyone watches as Corinne does her thing. Nick’s Spidey senses feel eyeballs on them, so he strategically removes himself. Corinne goes upstairs to take a nap.
Raven is the first to break the other cardinal rule of the Bachelor franchise. She throws another girl under the bus, claiming Nick is making a huge mistake with Corinne. Raven informs him that Corinne has a nanny. Nick, of course, doesn’t understand what she means.
Raven: She has a nanny. For herself. The girl doesn’t know how to clean a spoon.
Taylor backs up Raven’s accusations regarding Corinne, but it’s Vanessa who wisely tells him that she doesn’t care what Corinne does. Vanessa is more interested in Nick’s reactions. Is he here for a good time? Or a wife? Because during the two seconds she saw him riding her, Vanessa isn’t really sure anymore.
What do you think? Will Vanessa peace out? Is Corinne playing a smart game? Do you think her naps are part of her strategy? Sound off in the comments section!