Bachelor Nick recap: Kiss me
Bachelor Nick recap Episode 4:
I reached twenty when I decided to stop counting bleeped out f-bombs last night. I’ve also become desensitized to Danielle’s boobs. I zoned out when Corinne dominated air time (read: the entire show) and I found myself rooting for Sholphin.
Someone send help. I think I’m going insane.
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you Snap Chat happen to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the CrossFit trainer who was slightly disappointed but mostly pleased with the Gilmore Girls revival and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.
The episode begins with a plethora of concerns that all boil down to one major theme: Corinne is immature and is definitely not here for the right reasons (right reasons). Vanessa lets Nick know that he’s being watched. No one was happy during his display of bounce castle bliss with Corinne.
The word “mounting” was used to describe certain details of that particular moment. Sadly, I can report that it was not the most expressive way to verbally illustrate what one may see during a horizontal tryst during a single episode. That award goes to Raven and her colorfully thorough story about “thrusting.”
More on that later.
Nick’s knee ends up in the general area of Vanessa’s crotch as he wraps his legs around hers. Vanessa remains strong. Her lashes do, too. (#R+F?) Does Nick want a floozy or a wife? Vanessa is not going to parade around her sexuality, and if that’s what he’s interested in, she’ll give back the rose petals from her date that are safe and secure in a G-Force barf bag. She has no problem leaving this circus for a better one in Quebec, eh.
Vanessa: Don’t make me call you a hoser…
Nick: I like when you share things. I need to know when you’re mad. Keep doing that. Just be patient. Especially about Corinne.
Lincee: That’s code for, “Read through the lines, Vanessa.”
Meanwhile, Sarah and Taylor approach a slumbering Corinne to let her know that the rose ceremony is about to start. Oh yeah, everyone feels disrespected that Corinne dry humped Nick in a place where toddlers play. Sarah, a seasoned contestant at 26-years-old, advises Corinne to pull herself together.
This intervention leads to a conversation about what it means to be privileged. Corinne would like you to know that she is not privileged in ANY WAY. Just ask her nanny Raquel. But if she’s cutting cucumber or making cheesy pasta, DO NOT BOTHER HER. Simply go out the back door of the servants’ quarters, hang a left, and head to the garage. Ask for Jeeves. If he’s washing the hot pink customized Range Rover, DO NOT BOTHER HIM. Simply exit stage left and find Gardener. If you can’t find Gardener, or Maid, or her mother’s personal assistant with the yellow hair, circle back around to Raquel. Of course, you can always check Corinne’s blog, www.youdoyou.com for an entire article explaining her lifestyle in 150-characters or less.
Corinne also wants you to know that Sarah and Taylor are totally obsessed with her.
The girls all chime in that it had been a confusing day. I agree. What is the deal with the cold shoulder dresses made of doilies and the palazzo pant suits in tangerine? Is this a thing? Our Host Chris Harrison gives our resident villain another bump in her on-air numbers by addressing “the Corinne situation” with Nick. He stares at his mentor blankly.
Mesmerized by Harrison’s eyes. I get it. I’ve been there.
Along with Vanessa, Rachel, and Nashville, roses are handed to:
Some girl named Whitney
Brittany and Christen are out. Christen throws all sorts of shade as she leaves the group. She holds a pair of shoes, while wearing a pair of shoes, upon her exit. It would have been more dramatic had she tearfully told the girl who was wearing her shoes to reach for the stars and win this for BOTH of them. I’ll see you at Women Tell All. THIS IS NOT THE END!
I guess she really needed that strappy pair of nude heels for work. Those fancy weddings aren’t going to video themselves. Especially in a comfortable pair of shoes.
Corinne takes over the traditional champagne toast. She flat out admits to the camera that she’s going to be extra fake, since all the other girls clearly don’t like her. She gives a speech about how it’s an honor to be with the girls on this journey, how excited and happy she is to be with Nick, and how they all need to work to make each day great.
She’s heard her daddy give the exact same speech on the warehouse floor a million times.
The next morning, Harrison walks in looking all sorts of fine. He’s back in blue, which is where he belongs. He smelled of sea water, gun powder, and grit. He has some exciting news for the women. Pack your bags, you’re going to MILWAUKEE!
The girls squeal with delight, envisioning a future stamp in their passports. It sounds so exotic! Vanessa explains that Wisconsin borders Canada. Put the swimsuits away and make sure to pack several statement scarves. Don’t forget your black leather jacket, either.
Someone who did her homework before the show puts two-and-two together. Isn’t Milwaukee where Nick is from?
Why yes, it is!
Re-meet Chris and Mary, Nick’s parents. His mom has a nose stud and various piercings. She’s nervous her baby boy will never find love because he may not know what it feels like. HE’S SO OLD! Did he miss his chance? His dad is dorky in a fun way. He doesn’t want to see his son on television again. Mary weeps as she recalls the time she fell in love with Chris. The dad weeps. Nick weeps.
Nick meets the ladies in a park and spends two minutes welcoming them to his hometown before he grabs Double D Danielle for the first one-on-one of the trip. The girls lament that they wasted perfectly good outfits and lipgloss for 120-seconds of Nick time.
As Nick walks away with Danielle, I notice that both are wearing the exact same tight pants. Should this make Danielle feel bad that she can share half her wardrobe with her sort-of boyfriend? I’m sure Nick would be stoked at the possibility of his skinny jean count doubling.
Nick knows that there is a physical chemistry, but he feels it’s time to get to know Dani on a more personal level. He takes her to a bakery where the high school kid working the counter follows the pre-scripted spiel to the best of her ability. She pretends to know who Nick is and points him directly to the “Nick-er-Doodle” cookies in the front case. Then the bored girl invites them back to the kitchen to create some of their own “Nick-er-Doodles.”
Our bachelor feels weird eating his own face, so he squishes his cookie against Danielle’s cookie (not a euphemism), making one big cookie. Danielle tempts him with icing. Note: She does not smear it on her boob like some people. Nick responds with a passionate, sugary-filled kiss. The verdict is still out if it was more enjoyable than the vomit-filled kiss.
Lo and behold, when Nick and Danielle leave the bakery, they run into one of Nick’s exes at the coffee shop down the street. WHAT ARE THE ODDS?
I’d say the odds of the ABC Intern trolling Facebook for a few hours, securing the name of a couple of ex-girlfriends in the area, paying the town mayor’s secretary a few Benjamins in exchange for a phone number, and promising to grant free air time showcasing that woman’s charming little bakery in downtown Waukesha in exchange for an accidental run-in on national television is pretty high.
Her name is Amber and she likes to hug the potential future wives of her ex-boyfriends. They all sit outside to catch up on life. Danielle is either ticked or about to hurl. I can’t tell. She looks disgusted by the reunion. She even asks Amber why she thinks Nick is still on the market? It was the definition of aco-taco. Amber answers something about how he’s heart-driven before peacing out once her twenty-minutes of obligated chit-chat has been fulfilled.
Hugs. Kisses. Bye, Amber.
Nick takes Danielle to the grassy knoll where he punched his V-Card once upon a time. Can someone pass me Vanessa’s barf bag? Danielle mentions that she is a prude and doesn’t like facial hair. She also didn’t bat an eyelash when a boy made her locker shelves in high school. Nick doesn’t know how to respond to any of that information, so he pulls her arm, places it around his neck, and begins making out with her.
Another fashion side note: Are jean jackets and hoodie combinations a thing, too? Is Leonard from The Big Bang Theory in fashion now? I think I could pull that off…
That night, the prude wears a dress that only covers half her boobs. We have a real-life Janet Jackson Super Bowl moment in the making. I’m sure the Black Modesty Bock was on standby the entire night. Speaking of Jackson, I loved Nick’s red “Beat It” jacket.
Nick tells Danielle that she seems very put together. He wants to know if she has any flaws. She does. It’s not her lack of bra, it’s her parents’ divorce. Nick notes that her parents’ divorce isn’t a flaw. She remains perfectly still and switches her answer to “having to mature at an early age.”
Nick tells the camera that Danielle has the qualities he’s looking for in a wife.
NICK’S WIFE LIST
- Willing to share skinny jeans
- Likes big families
He gives Danielle the rose and then takes her to a theater down the street. Inside, there are hundreds of “fans.” We’re not sure if they are here for Nick or the new country sensation Chris Lane. Either way, for consecutive weeks, Danielle finds herself swaying side-to-side and making out with Nick in front of a very big group of strangers.
The exit the SUV in high heel shoes. The anticipation of a super fun date just dropped down a few notches when they notice they are at a farm. They find Nick feeding a baby calf and spirits rise. A day full of feeding baby farm animals? Yes, please! I’m sure they thought it would be just like this, except with one shared boy instead of seven brothers:
Not quite. Switch holding the baby goats with shoveling poop and you’ve got a more accurate picture. The girls are given plain, non-Hunter rain boots, rubber gloves, and a cow’s teet to start things off. Nick can’t seem to make the milk come out. You’d think the Farmer would have prepared him for such a scenario.
Jaimi does it on the first try. Insert innuendo here.
Most of the girls play along. Josephine celebrates a victorious moment and raises her hands in glee. She is wearing a crop top. Bless it. When the shovels are doled out, Corinne takes to a rock to sulk because the producers won’t let her lay down in the back of the SUV for a quick nap. Corinne longs for Raquel, who is way better at doing farm chores. She also longs for sushi. PS: She can’t move her fingers.
It’s a medical condition, y’all. The blistering Wisconsin wind has rendered her digits useless. I’d also like to point out that Vanessa is wearing a tank top.
At the cocktail party, Corinne tells the camera that it took courage to shovel all that poop. Granted, we didn’t see her actually pick up a shovel, but she could tell from her spot a safe distance away that it was hard work.
Russia takes Nick away and starts to tell him her story. He interrupts her, asking Russia to save it for another time. Russia wants to break a Vodka shot glass over his head, but he explains that he would prefer to hear the long version without the possibility of someone stealing him away. Russia looks him dead in the eyes and says, “That’s up to you then.”
Vanessa takes Nick to an outdoor fire and presents him with a scrapbook. KUDOS TO THE ABC INTERN WHO SLAPPED THIS TOGETHER IN FIVE MINUTES! Oh, wait. It’s a scrapbook from her students to Nick. I loved it. So did the bachelor.
Later that night, Corinne overhears the girls talking about her. She takes the bull by the horns (metaphorically — she would never actually do that) and tells the camera that she’s a corn husk full of layers. She’s pellets of information that is juicy and buttery. Nick needs her corn.
Corinne is no bubbly little Dumbo. I guess she’s the smart crow who teaches Dumbo to fly? She settles into the group, calls them to attention, and admits that she knows that she’s not the group’s favorite person
Jaimi [sarcastically]: Shut up!
Lincee: She has balls.
Corinne announces that she doesn’t feel welcome. Sarah speaks for the ladies, asking Corinne if she is really ready to marry a 36-year-old man? Someone who utilizes a bounce house seems a little immature. Corinne takes the conversation sideways, apologizing for napping all the time. She’s sorry if this offended anyone. Let the record show, Michael Jordan AND Abraham Lincoln took naps, so…
That’s how you win wars and NBA games, people. Nap schedules must be kept in order to succeed in this thing we call life.
Sarah: Why didn’t you shovel poop earlier?
Corinne: I lost circulation in my fingers. I almost had to go to the hospital!
Vanessa tries to reason with her, but comes up short. She’s exhausted from being a part of The Corinne Show. Mother Russia, full of confidence after her time with Nick, gives her two cents. She thinks Corinne won’t be able to be there for Nick in life since she has a hard time showing up to rose ceremonies, pool parties, and days at the farm. Corinne assures her that she will always be there for Nick. And if not, Raquel will always be there for Nick. Except when she’s already being there for Corinne. Should that happen, see org chart above.
Russia tells Corinne she was brave for walking into the lion’s den to try and set things straight. But she doesn’t believe for a minute that her fingers are about to fall off. Corinne refuses to be bullied any longer. She stands up and the camera has to box out her platinum vagine because her dress is so short.
She marches straight to Nick to inform him that she had a conversation with the girls. She addressed a certain situation. They clearly have a problem that she is so into Nick, but she’s not going to pretend she doesn’t have feelings for him. She encouraged open communication. She’s been pegged the villain and she’s cool with that. Nick totally gets it. Villains gotta vill. He’s happy that she was so mature about everything.
Nick gives the rose to Mother Russia.
SECOND ONE-ON-ONE DATE
“Let’s Kick It”
Raven runs to Nick, executing a weak jump and straddle (trademark pending), excited that she gets to see Nick in his roots. That’s southern vernacular for, “I’m excited to see where Nick grew up.”
She wasn’t expecting an afternoon with ABC’s favorite kid sister, Bella. Nick waltzes up to a soccer field and moonlights as a coach for a few minutes before his sister’s big game. The denim in those skinny jeans must be made of miracle fiber. I have no idea how he was able to stretch and perform high knee runs in such tight pants.
ONE MORE SIDEBAR: Nick’s chest was freshly waxed. You get all the details here on IHGB.com.
Nick casually introduces Raven to his parents and she nearly chokes on her gum. PARENTS? ALREADY? She shares a story about how her hair was black when she was born and that’s how she got the name Raven. Bella makes a goal. The victory party is held at the local Skateland.
This is where Nick really shines for me. Truly. The dude knows how to skate. He did the crossover the other skate thing and tried to teach Raven how to shoot-the-duck. I appreciate that he had old-school real skates on, too. No rollerblades for this guy. I was so impressed that I didn’t think twice about that kid stuck in the claw machine. I just wanted to see Nick skate again.
Skating is my love language. So is Dr Pepper.
Raven bonds with Bella for a few minutes before the deejay asks for all skaters to clear the floor for a special couples skate. Nick skates backward (#hot) holding onto Raven as Sixpence None The Richer’s “Kiss Me” plays. Hello 1997! I’ve missed you!
Nick and Raven eat dinner in an empty room at the Art Museum. Raven wears lingerie. She tells the story of her good-for-nothing, cheating ex-boyfriend. She found him “thrusting” another woman, so she hauled off and beat the dude with the hussy’s stiletto.
Nick: Interesting. I’ve never cheated on anyone.
Raven: And you never will.
Raven explains that the experience helped her to see who she really is as a person. I’m going with interesting, sassy, dangerous, and scary. She’s also someone who’s willing to ditch her shoes to skate around in the abandoned museum. Has Raven just endeared herself to Nick?
Everyone is irritated when Double D Danielle drags Nick away for some alone time. She already has a rose! Taylor decides to steal him away and stands there FOREVER as Danielle talks on and on about how she’s ready to find love. Taylor takes Danielle’s place on the bench, covers up with a blanket, and starts making out with Nick.
Does anyone else see a Disney Channel star when they look at Taylor? Am I trying to make her into Zendaya?
Inside, a Bachelor first unfolds before our eyes. Josephine and Corinne ACTUALLY EAT FOOD. Pigs-in-a-blanket with champagne chasers. The pork fuels Corinne’s need to call Taylor out for being “disgusting.” She downs her glass, grabs Taylor, sits her by a different fire, and asks her to explain herself.
Taylor breaks out her thesis from her fresh mental health degree and slowly explains to Corinne that she believes Corinne is not in a place to enter into a committed romantic relationship with Nick. She lacks the maturity, emotional intelligence, and coping skills to do so.
Corinne interprets this as, “You’re an idiot” and chastises Taylor for feeling superior to other people. She can’t even.
Corinne: Talk to the hand, Taylor.
Lincee: I by “the hand” you mean Raquel’s, right?
In other news, the Sholphin is afraid of Nicholas Cage and aliens. She’s pretty sure Raven is an extraterrestrial. Can we get this mammal/fish more camera time, please?
What did you think of the show? Is Corinne digging her own grave? Or will she stick around? Are you exhausted by her storyline? Is Taylor setting herself up for disaster? Are you going to try and use the word “thrust” today in a conversation? Sound off in the comments section!