Bachelor Nick recap: Oh my NOLA

Bachelor Nick Week 5:

If I omitted everything that I didn’t like from last night’s episode, we would be left with a paragraph on Rachel’s adorable personality, a paragraph on how much I loved the Beauty and the Beast promos, and how the one girl who deserved a date rose didn’t get it.

I’m looking at you, Ghost May.

The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you Snap Chat happen to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the CrossFit trainer who was slightly disappointed but mostly pleased with the Gilmore Girls revival and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

The first twenty minutes of the show really dive into the tension-filled relationship between Taylor and Corinne. The phrase “emotional intelligence” was used nine times too many as Corinne wove a web of lies while talking to Taylor about how the other girls think Taylor is a drama queen. No one thinks she is here for the right reasons (right reasons). Corinne encourages the mental health counsel to be more genuine, instead of a BLEEP.

Taylor falls head first into Corinne’s manipulation and fights to prove that she isn’t a fake person. Not everyone needs to like everyone in the house.

I’m sure she meant that she (Taylor) doesn’t like Corinne. Corinne “Regina Georged” her comeback with a calculating, “So you agree with me that you genuinely ignore people in the house?”

Corinne claims that this disgusting behavior actually hurts her heart. She’s concerned for Nick. Taylor is a gross bully and deserves to be tattled on. So she finds Nick, gives him a “head’s up” that Taylor is rude to everyone in the house. Nick praises Corinne for her maturity. I vomit in Vanessa’s G-Force bag.

Taylor is exhausted by Corinne’s behavior. She compares the feeling to being back in high school with mean girls. This image is fresh on Taylor’s mind, since she was in high school only a few years ago, but there’s no time to brood. There’s a rose ceremony to attend.

The producers think it’s a good idea to have an outdoor rose ceremony in a barn. The below freezing temperatures cause some of the girls’ teeth to chatter or their bodies to shake violently. Some forego looking hot in their sultry cocktail dresses and cover up with their leather jackets. Others watch their breath exit from their mouths as they slowly turn blue.

Along with Russia, DD Danielle, and Raven, Nick hands roses to:
Someone named Whitney
Jaimi — BALLS

The girl who I thought was Whitney (Astrid) waltzes into the chilly night air. She’s going to be fine. Sarah the teacher, on the other hand, is dumfounded. She can’t seem to pull it together. How in the world did Nick choose the mean girl over her?

It’s called “producer’s pick.”

Taylor looks like she’s devastated, too. Her entire face falls and she adopts a blank stare. I’m not sure if Corinne stole her sparkle or if she’s silently suffering from the early onset of hypothermia.

Nick announces that they will be traveling to warmer climates. Back your bags, ladies. We’re going to New Orleans!

I hear it’s the perfect place to fall in love.

The girls switch their leather jackets and skin-tight dresses for denim panties and cold shoulder peasant blouses. I may have spied one or two bodysuits in the bunch. Nothing says “laissez les bon temps rouler” like a piece of clothing that snaps in the crotch.

Our Host Chris Harrison greets the ladies in the general living area of their JW Marriott hotel suite. We’re going to skip over the minor detail that he is wearing a beige linen blazer that is a distant cousin to Mr. Roger’s neighborhood sweater. It has been scrubbed from my brain. Instead, I’m going to focus on his foreboding warning: THE DREADED TWO-ON-ONE DATE IS HERE.

“Where have you beignet all my life?”

Nick finds his most Mardi Gras looking shirt (a purple silk number) and smiles eagerly as Rachel meets him in a market wearing a top that manages to be both backless and have a plunging neckline. Her mustard-colored shorts were not my favorite. But she is.

Nick buys her an alligator head, a feathery mask, and a few oysters that Rachel hopes will serve as a nice aphrodisiac later on in the date. The magic must have kicked in early. I was baffled by Rachel’s reaction when Nick blew his hot sauce breath into her open mouth. I guess the oysters’ side effect of stimulated desire outranked common sense in this scenario.

They skip the ninety-minute long wait and secure a table for two at Cafe du Monde. Nick tastes a beignet for the first time and we witness a man who has more feelings toward a pastry than he does with any of the women vying for his heart.

After dessert, Rachel pulls him out onto the street to join a Second Line parade. Nick proves that he can both skate AND dance. Like Rachel, I was impressed with his swag. The best part of this entire exchange was when the ABC Intern slipped a note under the door of the ladies’ suite, prompting them to go look out the window.

Where was the Second Line parade? You guessed it. Right in front of the J Dubs. Brilliant. The girls whine as they watch Nick and Rachel booty shake down below.

Nick and Rachel listen to some live music and then head to a warehouse full of Mardi Gras floats. At dinner, Nick thanks Rachel for being patient. She has surpassed every expectation. Rachel tears up, admitting that the last time she was in New Orleans, it was a for a funeral. She promised herself to step outside of her box and live life to the fullest. NOLA is the birthplace of fun, adventurous Rachel!

They talk about their families. Rachel shares that her dad is a federal judge. Nick begins to mumble his words. He’s already afraid to meet the Judge. Rachel asks him to please not call her father Sam. Nick’s not stupid. In fact, even though this home town date conversation is a bit premature, he’s been down this road before. Twice.

Rachel tells Nick, “I’m sure into you.” That’s the junior high version of, “I love you.” He returns the compliment, adding that when he’s with Rachel, he doesn’t think of anything (read: anyone) else. They climb onto a stationary float and kiss. I can’t help but wonder how Rachel got those beads.

“Til Death Do Us Part”
DD Danielle

Nick meets the girls at a local haunted house. Most are creeped out by the vibe. I’m creeped out by Nick’s tight pants. Boo the caretaker offers them a round of mint juleps before preparing the girls for what lies ahead. You see, back in the olden days, a little girl by the name of May died in her room upstairs. She comes back every now and then looking for her doll. There’s only one rule in this house: Don’t make May mad.

Boo takes the girls upstairs to show them May’s creepy doll which is locked up in a glass case. DON’T PLAY WITH ANYTHING IN THIS ROOM! Jasmine picks up a hat and puts it on. Nashville and Jaimi are irate that Jasmine would tempt the ghost with such shenanigans.

Don’t worry, Jasmine. Just stand by Raven. She’ll rebuke anything that comes your way!

The girls all gather in the parlor and sit on the floor because that’s what you do in a haunted house. Someone spies a Ouija board! How convenient. Vanessa gives a hard pass while all the others gather around to ask very important questions like, “Will Nick get engaged?”

Ouija doesn’t think so. It didn’t move. Sad face.

The girls ask May if she is with them and the board says yes. Then the lights go out. Wouldn’t you know it, the doll goes missing too. Velma, Daphne, and Fred check the old lighthouse to see if there’s a secret tunnel while Shaggy and Scooby cower in the corner.

Jasmine makes things worse by calling May by the names of Molly or Megan. Then she touches the forbidden busts and a chandelier falls. Poor Nick has to manage a bunch of girls at a slumber party instead of advancing his relationship with his potential wife. Nick pulls each girl away for some much needed alone time while the others freeze bras in May’s icebox. Here’s what we learn:

Whitney: She tells him the energy in the house is weird.
DD: Nick tells her that absence makes the heart grow stronger.
Lincee: Tells Nick that absence makes the heart grow fonder.
Vanessa: She thinks she connected with May.
Lincee: She definitely connected with May more than Nick.
Nashville: They have nothing to talk about, so they filled the silence with kisses.
Lincee: This tongue action secured her the date rose.
Raven: “The moment I fell in love with you is when you sang The Little Mermaid.”
Lincee: Why in the world were we not privy to this bit of magic, Mike Fleiss?

Make America Corinne Again
“Meet Me in the Bayou”

Corinne is not afraid of a two-on-one. She’s ready to show Nick her golden heart. And her platinum vagine. Pick a precious metal. She’s got this.

Both wear cute tanks and jeans. Taylor performs a jump and straddle (trademark pending) when she sees Nick. Her fishtail braid was awesome. Her bra was absent. Nick invites them into the boat of a colorful Swamp Person who shows the trio a few of Louisiana’s finest gators. Both girls choose one of Nick’s thighs to hold onto as the boat zooms through the bayou. Taylor absorbs the energy of the water as Corinne bats away countless mosquitoes.

Taylor: Corinne and I are two very different people. She has a nanny. I have a master’s degree.

Once they exit the boat, Nick takes them deep into the woods to meet a voodoo lady. I would have paid big money to see Corinne do this:

A tarot card lady explains that the truth is about to surface. Taylor is LOVING this. The lady reads Taylor’s cards first. Guess what? According to the cards, Taylor is intuitive, emotional, and is currently in a toxic situation. The lady tells Taylor to NOT ENGAGE.

Meanwhile, Corinne spends her alone time with Nick ratting on Taylor again. This time, she tells him that Taylor emotionally attacked her and called her stupid.

Nick: How did that make you feel?

Bachelor Nick

Corinne switches gears at the end, making sure Nick knows that she’s happy to be on this journey with him. She sees something serious and wants to have a future with him. In a bouncy house. With Raquel.

They make out.

While Corinne has her cards read (the lady said she needs to watch her mouth), Nick confronts Taylor about Corinne’s accusations. He claims it was a bit surprising to hear that Taylor all but shanked Corinne in the mansion. Taylor thanks Nick for being honest and defends herself. Then she clutches her chest because Corinne just poked her Taylor voodoo doll with a pin in the heart.

Once she recovers, Taylor begs Nick to consider this fact: Corinne doesn’t know what emotional intelligence means.

Emotional intelligence = WE WERE ON A BREAK.

Taylor: If Nick gives Corinne the rose, the relationship will be built on whipped cream and lies.

The producers make Taylor and Corinne sit at the voodoo doll table for a while. Taylor pulls a “I know what you did” on Corinne. She plays it stupid. Taylor goes against her cards and engages.

Annnnnddddd Nick gives Corinne the rose.

He leaves Taylor in the woods, while he and Corinne hop into the swamp people boat. Taylor sits in her confusion. Then she goes back to the voodoo circle and asks the lady to smudge her of all Corinne’s bad vibes. After her cleansing, Taylor takes to the streets of New Orleans, looking for her arch nemesis. She finds Nick and Corinne (her boobs on full display) and asks to speak to Nick alone.

Cut to black. – TO BE CONTINUED –

Say hello to Taylor’s Bachelor in Paradise audition reel!

What did you think of this Bachelor Nick recap? Is Corinne a producer’s pick? Was the haunted house the most boring group date in the history of the franchise? Are you pumped to see Beauty and the Beast? Is Rachel in your top four? Sound off in the comments section!

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