Bachelor Nick Recap: Bump, hit, spike, choke?

Bachelor Nick Recap: Episode 6 —

Last night’s episode was B-O-R-I-N-G in my opinion. Yes, I understand it was a metaphorical blood bath when it came to cutting the competition IN HALF during one episode, but other than discovering that DD Danielle is known as D-Lo around the St. Thomas Marriott and poor Russia had a horrific childhood, I could barely concentrate due to the tears, the same conversation being repeated, and oh yeah — THE TEARS.

There was a moment after Nick left the girls at the end of the night that I thought, “Wouldn’t it be awesome if he just walked out the door and quit? Who needs this journey anymore?”

It’s too bad he sold his soul to Mike Fleiss a long time ago. Chin up, Nick!

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you Snap Chat happen to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the CrossFit trainer who was slightly disappointed but mostly pleased with the Gilmore Girls revival and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

You may remember that the last time we journeyed with Nick, Taylor was freshly smudged from a voodoo lady in the swamps of Louisiana and was marching through New Orleans so she could reveal the truth about Corinne’s manipulation. Unfortunately, her big intervention fell about as flat as Corinne’s extensions. You see, Nick didn’t care that Corinne had lied to him. He didn’t really care that Taylor’s integrity had been called into question. He just wasn’t that into her.

The end.

Nick kicks Taylor to the curb, again, and makes out with Corinne in front of a wall. There was no pressing against that wall, but we did see a new phenomenon known as leather panties. It was a sight to behold.

The ladies all arrive at a plantation via horse-drawn buggy, ready to plead their case to Nick during the cocktail party. Harrison arrives in a grayish blue suit that quite literally stole my breath away. I almost didn’t hear him announce that there would be no cocktail party. It’s straight to the rose ceremony for these “cold on the top half” girls. Everyone holds hands so their spiked heels don’t cause them to fall on the cobblestone path.

Along with Corinne, Nashville, and Rachel, roses are handed to:
Russia
Raven
Vanessa
DD Danielle (aka D-Lo)
Jasmine
Whitney

Nick says good-bye to Jo, Sholphin, and BALLS. I have to say, I was sad to see the Sholphin go. So were a lot of other people.

Nick announces that they are all heading to St. Thomas and grins as the girls squeal with delight. They all scramble to fill their suitcases with odd bikinis and denim panties. Nick opts for tight shorty shorts and equally tight man tanks.

The girls act like fools when they burst through the doors of their hotel room. They call dibs on the “good rooms” and then play paper, rock, scissors to see who will be stuck in the middle since they squish three to one bed. Then the girls rush to the balcony so they can wave at Nick who is passing by in a seaplane.

Raven: St. Thomas is the perfect place to fall in love. It’s also the perfect place to send people home.

Russia is chosen as the recipient of the coveted one-on-one date. Jasmine cries when they leave. She takes a quick glance at her “What Would Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader Do?” bracelet and composes herself, knowing that there will be plenty time later to complain about this unfair turn of events.

Everyone is a bit on the depressed side, excluding Corinne who is determined to properly break in Lourna — Mike Fleiss’ brilliant introduction of the Caribbean version of Raquel. This sweet, grandma looking woman is forced to steam Corinne’s dresses, serve her lobster dip and piña coladas, while fluffing her towels poolside.

Compare this scene to Russia, who is currently sharing intimate details of her hard childhood. While Corrine ordered Raquel around as a kid, Russia struggled daily to eat. At one point, she tasted a lipstick and was banished from her house because her mother had specifically warned her NOT to eat anything while she was gone.

Russia was five-years-old. She was sent to an orphanage and immediately considered all the kids her family. You can imagine how hard it was to be adopted at the age of twelve. But she had to take a chance. “If you stay in Russia, life is black-and-white. If you move to America, life will be in color.”

Nick and I got a little teary. It’s hard to believe this girl is 24-years-old. I’m glad he gave her a rose and I’m glad she got to dance in a gazebo with a bunch of sweet women singing to her with steel drums playing as their soundtrack.

Full disclosure: I don’t see her making it to the hometown dates.

GROUP DATE
Love’s a Beach
Rachel
Raven
Vanessa
Corinne
Nashville
Jasmine

Nick, in the jams I wore in junior high, invites the ladies to join him on a catamaran. They pass a pirate ship and I am all, “YES! A GOONIES DATE!”

Alas, there was no One-Eyed Willy or Sloth. Instead, the ABC Intern drug out some corn hole boards and a lone volleyball. The booze flowed freely, and by the time the fourth hour rolled around, all participants were drunk, tired, and on edge.

Vanessa is competitive and a little irritated that she’s on the bad team. Rachel continues to prove that she’s wise by remaining quiet. Raven is too distracted by the fact that she chose to wear a swimsuit bottom that looks like a diaper. Nashville is fighting hurt feelings. Jasmine is angry that she hasn’t had any alone time with Nick. And Corinne is drunk/tired. They all take to the sea to work out their feelings. Many cry.

Nick pontificates that this day was supposed to be fun, but turned out to be more intense than he had planned. That night, he decides to take each one off for some alone time so he can get to the bottom of what’s going on.

I’ll tell you what’s going on. They are all emotionally drained and a scooch crazy.

Rachel admits that group dates aren’t her thing. Nick understands, but you can tell that he is also a bit annoyed at this point. He has to have group dates. And girls have to understand that this is part of the game. Rachel reminds him that she is on the brink of walking but she’s staying because she’s in this.

Meanwhile, Jasmine teeters on the brink of an emotional breakdown. Everyone stares in silence as she drones on and on and on about how she hasn’t received a date rose or any one-on-one time. The silence should be perceived as a big fat “get a clue” moment, but Jasmine is too fabulous to think that about herself. HOW DARE HE OVERLOOK HER!

Nick walks up to ask Raven if she wants to talk. I want to ask Raven how she thought through the decision to wear a chartreuse romper AND matching sheer waistcoat, but the moment passed. Jasmine’s slow boil turns into full-on rage when Nick finally asks her to talk.

She’s confused. She thinks this entire ordeal sucks. She thinks their conversations have been great, but she needs more from him. She wants to sit him down and tell him all the wonderful things he’s missing when he rebuffs her advances. In fact, she wants to choke him.

As in really choke him. She tries to turn it a little sexual when she picks up on his “this woman may boil my bunny” facial expression. But that doesn’t stop her from laughing like a maniac and going for his neck. Nick smiles his most obvious fake smile and tells her that he in no way is into what she’s putting down. In fact, it might be best if they go ahead and end their time together.

Jasmine cries in the rejection SUV. Then there was a Fifty Shades of Grey Part 2 movie trailer. Coincidence? I think not.

TWO-ON-ONE DATE
D-Lo
Whitney

This wasn’t hard to predict. When you have to wear a “W” necklace to remind people who you are (read: NOT Astrid), it’s pretty clear that our bachelor is going to send you home at the end of the night. Sorry Whit.

Nick takes both girls in a helicopter to a remote island. Nick thinks Whitney has a sweet disposition and a calming personality. However, he can’t always remember her name, so he’s going to take D-Lo back in the helicopter and leave Whitney stranded on the island. If she stays long enough, she can be apart of the Bachelor in Paradise cast. Good? Bye!!

Whitney’s blue, calming mood ring turns a murky brown as she starts to cry. It was a mixture of real tears and sand from the helicopter propellers.

It didn’t occur to me at the time that by NOT giving the rose to Whitney, that didn’t necessarily mean D-Lo DID get the rose. I assumed she was in the entire time she prattled on about how perfect they were for each other and how she might maybe may be falling in love with him. When he asked D-Lo what two words (excluding communicative and honest) she needed in a relationship, D-Lo answered love and trust.

Nick sighs and tells her he needs someone who is adventurous and raw. She’s too vanilla for him and he can’t stand stringing her along since she’s totally in love with him, like, for real. He waves the long-stemmed rose in front of her face a few times and then tells her that he doesn’t feel the same way.

He calls for an Uber and then sends D-Lo back to her block, where she used to have a little, but now she has a lot.

Nick meanders over to the remaining six girls to basically tell them that he doesn’t know if this is going to work. He cries big crocodile tears, explaining that he just sent D-Lo home, which is so weird, because she had lots of potential. Now he’s worried that his heart isn’t cut out for this. He wants a wife, but he’s terrified it’s just not going to happen. That’s code for, STEP IT UP, LADIES!

According to the coming attractions, Corinne takes this as a personal challenge. Her “sex abilities are top notch.” Just ask her platinum vagine.

What did you think of last night’s episode? Where you surprised D-Lo went home? Do you think any of the girls could be Nick’s future wife? Are his tears real or just a product of being overtired? Sound off in the comments section!

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