Bachelor Nick Recap: Fifty Shades of Grime
Bachelor Nick: Episode 8
It’s hometown date week and that means four ladies have the chance to be the future Mrs. Bachelor Nick!
Wait. Strike that. Let me start over.
It’s hometown date week and that means three ladies have the chance to be the future Mrs. Bachelor Nick, while Season 13 bachelorette Rachel inevitably gets her heart broken in an upcoming episode.
Hold on. That’s not right either. I’m only going to do this one more time.
It’s hometown date week and that means three ladies have the chance to be the future Mrs. Bachelor Nick, while Season 13 bachelorette inevitably gets her heart broken in an upcoming episode, as a former flame named Andi hustles her way into Nick’s suite moments before the rose ceremony. Is she there to admit feelings? Will she gripe him out on national TV? Or is this her way of promoting her book, now available in paperback on Amazon and your local bookstore?
The possibilities are endless. Choose your own adventure.
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you Snap Chat happen to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the CrossFit trainer who was slightly disappointed but mostly pleased with the Gilmore Girls revival and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.
Raven greets our bachelor in her favorite denim panties and plain white tee when she whizzes up beside him on an four-wheeler. Her hope is to achieve maximum jaw dropping action when she frees her long, auburn locks from the confines of her hot pink helmet and says, “Welcome to Hoxie!” in her best southern accent.
Nick hops onto the back of the ATV, holding tight to Raven’s waist as she flies off to the nearest grain bin. Like Gretchen Wieners’ hair, grain bins are full of secrets. Just as the speed racers make their way to the top of the structure to talk about life, love, and other mysteries, a local Hoxie policeman pulls up to arrest them for trespassing since neither have the space in their tight apparel for superfluous paraphernalia like driver’s licenses.
Nick tries to throw himself on his sword a few times, but Officer Hoxie isn’t having it. Nick looks at the camera as if to say, “Are these jokers for real?” right as the policeman admits that he is none other than Raven’s brother Westin.
Aren’t small towns fun?
Instead of tipping cows, the ABC Intern fetches a second four-wheeler so Raven and Nick can race to a watery rice field where they will shoot a promo reel for Cinemax After Dark. The ABC Intern cues the porno music while Raven peels off Nick’s top. We hear our bachelor in voiceover talking about how much fun Raven is when she’s not wearing binding dresses made out of doilies. Things take a turn when she shoves him down on the ground into the watery reeds for a makeout sesh.
According to Nick, this is called “living in the moment.” I had other thoughts:
- Someone is going to get leeches.
- Someone is going to be bitten by a snake.
- Please close your mouth.
- Crotch rot is inevitable.
- Nick is wearing tight denim pants. There will be a significant amount of chafing.
- His shoes are ruined.
- If I needed to hide a dead body, this field would be a viable solution.
Raven and Nick clean up to go meet the parents. The first thing out of her dad’s mouth is that he is cancer-free! Raven is full of emotion. She thanks her parents for being so in love and the perfect testament to what she wants in a marriage. While visiting with only her father, she tears up thinking how grateful she is to be bringing someone home for him to meet. She didn’t know if she would ever do that again.
Her father agrees, admitting that he was sad at the thought of not getting to see his baby girl married. He’s glad he will be the one walking her down the aisle. Raven gently tells him that no other man would ever walk her down the aisle. She would walk alone if he wasn’t there.
Daddy cries. Raven cries. I cry. Moving on.
Raven tells her mom that Nick isn’t arrogant at all. When she met his family and sister, her perspective changed. Mama is concerned that she won’t be able to say “I love you” because there are three other women in this scenario and this is the week you have to let all your walls down.
Mama has watched this show once or twice.
Meanwhile, Nick asks Raven’s dad for his daughter’s hand in marriage…should the ocassion arise. He obliges, indicating that he trusts his daughter’s judgement.
Raven walks Nick to the car and he gives her every green light to say those three little words. She lets the moment pass her by. She just doesn’t want to be rejected after saying it. I totally get that.
Rachel wants to show Nick what a day in the life would be in her world, so she takes him to church. Literally. She wants to know if he’s comfortable in a predominantly black service. He seems to be unfazed until the preacher calls him out as Rachel’s boyfriend. Then he looks embarrassed that an entire church congregation is staring at him. But he did hold his own.
I found myself thinking, “I wonder if he really would go to church with her? He’s mentioned once or twice that he grew up around a faith-based household. He said he’s comfortable in a place of worship. What if…”
Then I stopped myself from barreling down that rabbit hole. It doesn’t happen. Keep your head in the game, Lincee!
At brunch, Nick outright says, “I’m not colorblind. I know you’re black.”
They have a conversation about what it means to be an interracial couple. Nick understand that Rachel is black, yes, but he also sees many other qualities in a woman he’s incredibly interested in. Plus, their chemistry is undeniable.
On that note, Rachel feels that Nick is ready to meet the fam. Unfortunately, her federal judge father would rather sit in his office than be on national television. I totally get that, too. We have to remember at this point, he had no idea his daughter would be the next bachelorette. I’m sure we’ll meet the Judge next season, but right now? He’s not about to go on a reality show and sign a waiver indicating Mike Fleiss has free editing reign.
Right before they enter the house, Rachel tells Nick that she’s never brought a white guy home. She shoves him through the door and we meet her mom, two sisters, cousin, a baby, and a brother-in-law who is white.
I’m sure Rachel mentioned that detail off camera, right?
After a quick rundown on the wonder that is okra, Nick and Rachel have a two-on-two with her sister and the husband. She wants to discuss the elephant in the room — No, it’s not Nick’s tight pants. It’s the fact that he’s white. Also, has the white boy ever dated a black woman? Nick answers in the affirmative, but never seriously. The sister wants him to know that he will have to navigate a certain path being an interracial couple.
I wanted to explore this more, but then I remembered that we wouldn’t be exploring this at all. I KEEP FORGETTING RACHEL IS THE NEXT BACHELORETTE AND NONE OF THIS MATTERS!
Mom also wants to address the elephant in the room. Nick also tells her mom that he understands that she’s black, but there’s so much more to her than skin color. Rachel’s mom nods her head, yet reminds him that society is different. On another note, she wants to know if he sees any red flags?
I believe this is code for: Will you move to Dallas to be with my daughter? Nick never answers the question. Instead, he talks about how well he and Rachel communicate.
During time with her daughter, Rachel’s mom tells a story. When she met the Judge, she knew he was the one for her because he was driven, confident, and knew where he was going. Does Nick know where he’s going?
PS: The answer can not be Paradise. Or Good Morning America.
Nick thinks that Corinne is super fabulous and fun. She doesn’t worry about rules or what anybody thinks. That’s why he’s all for a day of high end shopping at one of the most exclusive malls in Miami. It sounds like a treat to our bachelor and Christmas morning to the people working in the stores.
Corinne gives the 4-1-1 on how to shop efficiently.
- Stay focused.
- Get a sales person and make them your person.
- Start a fitting room.
- Take everything into the fitting room with you and eliminate there.
- Drink champagne.
- Nap if needed.
She dresses Nick in palm tree themed attire, tight sweatpants, aviator sunglasses, ombre pants, and deep v-necks. Corinne makes a last-minute purchase-at-the-register decision, insisting that Nick needs a peacoat to complete his Miami soccer dad ensemble.
Everyone needs a classic pea. Duh.
She drops three thousand dollars and takes her boo to lunch in his new cashmere pullover where she tells him she loves him. He thanks her with a kiss.
They make their way to the salmon-colored seaside high rise. The entire family cheers as Corinne walks through the door. Dad looks a little irritated when Nick greets “the famous Raquel” with a hug.
I hope her salary isn’t docked this week.
Raquel serves everyone cheesy pasta before sitting down at the end of the table. They all commend Raquel and gush that she’s a part of their family. Corinne’s mom admits she can’t do anything without Raquel, including pouring wine, making dermatologist appointments, and locating the stove. Dad interrupts the chit-chat by making Nick taste one of his famous Greek olives.
I wanted him to ask Nick to give him a word, any word, so he could tell him that it was Greek. I also wanted him squirt Windex on the zit on Nick’s forehead. He didn’t do either of those things.
After lunch, Corinne and her dad lay sprawled out on her bed. Guess what? She loves Nick even though it’s only been six weeks. She gushes that he has been there through everything!
Right. He’s the star of the show. He’s contractually obligated to be there through everything.
Papa Olympios is concerned that Nick is a gold digger. Or just lazy. He wants to know if Corinne is okay being the breadwinner of the family? She rolls her eyes in response. She’s happy and her father needs to shut up because, hello, TRUST FUND. Also, his first born daughter is happy and that’s all that matters.
Then she shouts for the ABC Intern to fetch her a golden goose. Opa!
Papa Olympios sits down with Nick and presents him with a fifteen-year-old single malt scotch. I half expected Harrison to come waltzing through the door to partake too, but alas, our favorite host was nowhere to be seen in this episode. Papa Olympios looks a little concerns that Nick has no idea there is an indention in the glass for his thumb.
He wastes no time launching into the breadwinner conversation with his maybe future son-in-law. He reminds Nick that Corinne likes the finer things in life. How is he going to support her? Before Nick can answer that he has some sweet deals lined up with a shake company, Diffey Eyewear, a Vegas hotel, and a teeth whitening kit, Pap Olympios casually mentions that Corinne is totally happy being the breadwinner.
I’ve never heard the word breadwinner repeated so much in one conversation.
Nick smiles through gritted teeth and says that it means a lot that Corinne would be his sugar daddy, but he hopes to bring home the bacon himself in this relationship.
Papa Olymios gives his blessing and the promise of always having good scotch in the cupboard. He thinks Corinne is the lid to Nick’s pot.
That is not a euphemism, but I fully expect it to be someone’s profession on a future episode of this show.
Vanessa takes Nick to meet her students, who are all adults. It was a serious cry fest when she walked into the classroom. Major weeping. Everyone was emotional. This endeared Vanessa to me even more. She and Nick make scrapbooks with the students and I’m first concerned by all the kissing pictures, but then overwhelmed by the relationships she has with her special needs family. I could have watched that all day.
Alas, Vanessa moves on to two different dinners. Since her parents are divorced, she showed Nick what a split visit looks like in her world. Any way you slice it, her family’s approval is extremely important.
First up is her mom’s house. Everyone within driving distance showed up to meet the new guy. There was a French-speaking grandmother, a mom, sister who looked like Celine Dion, aunts, cousins, kiddos, and one uncle who totally Lion King’d a baby.
Immediately, the sister takes Nick away to figure out his intentions. She’s scared and wants to know what made Vanessa stand out. Nick went straight for the obvious — he liked her the moment she stepped out of the limo.
Celine is irritated by this response. Vanessa is more than a tight dress made of an infinity scarf or a shirt that ties with string in the front, binding up her boobs like that of a Renaissance wench serving mead to the locals. She has so much more to offer. Celine is also upset to learn that they’ve barely talked about the fact that they live in different countries. Shouldn’t they know what they are doing BEFORE they get engaged? Vanessa’s brother feels the same.
Once again, we’re working with families who have presumably never watched this show.
Celine moves on to Vanessa. She wonders how her sister will uproot her life to move. She’s always giving up her hopes and dreams. Nick should move to Canada. Yes! That’s the power of love. That’s the power of the dream. HE should be HER angel. He should drive all night (and across the border) to get to HER.
Celine is overwhelmed with all the feels. Her sister’s gut is off. She’s not thinking straight. Why is she so confident? What’s going to happen if her heart is broken again?
It’s been six weeks, Celine. I’m sure her heart will go on.
Nick and Vanessa leave that environment for one that is even more intense, if you can believe it. Vanessa’s Italian dad asks the same questions as everyone else this episode. Nick sings Vanessa’s praises and then asks for his blessing, if it’s the right decision to get engaged once this is all over.
Dad: I can’t give you my blessing.
Nick: I respect that.
Dad: There are three other women.
Dad: You went to their homes?
Dad: Did you ask their fathers?
Nick: In a way, I ran it by them.
Dad: So you did.
Nick: It was similar.
Dad: It’s yes or no.
Nick does a decent job explaining that this is a weird situation. He wants to be honest. Nick wants the respect of the fathers. He never says that Mike Fleiss made him do this. After a few uncomfortable minutes of silence, Vanessa’s dad gives him his blessing.
I was floored until I realized what was really happening. Vanessa sits down with him and he immediately mentions that he gave Nick his blessing. Vanessa’s eyes literally well up with tears. She is enchanted by this turn of events. The moment lasts three seconds before her dad follows that news with, “You know there are other women involved.”
Vanessa eyes him and asks a dangerous question: “Did you ask if he asked the other parents?”
Van: What did he say?
Vanessa thinks this is a GAME CHANGER. She assumed that Nick would only ask ONE set of parents for their daughter’s hand in marriage. This discovery means that Nick has NO IDEA who he will choose to be the final girl standing. The proposal will be less meaningful if she’s the lucky one standing by the Home Depot proposal pedestal in the middle of the snow-covered wintery tundra. If he’s not sure at this point, she wants to reevaluate their relationship. She’s questioning her judgement.
Vanessa gives Nick a chilly kiss good-bye before we’re off to New York City. Our remaining contestants ponder all sorts of things over their hotel balconies:
Raven: I hope Nick’s antibiotic is working.
Rachel: Can I repeat cocktail dresses on my season?
Corinne: I think I’ll nap after a quick bite.
Vanessa: Maybe I can use that scrapbook for kindling in the tundra.
The cameras try to get us to believe that Vanessa is heading into the hotel to end things with Nick before the rose ceremony, but when he answers the door, Andi is on the other side.
Was that the most dramatic “to be continued” in franchise history? How do you think Vanessa is going to handle the rose ceremony? Who are you rooting for whose name isn’t Rachel? Sound off in the comments section!