Bachelor Pad contestants revealed: break out the Lysol

I’m going to keep this short and sweet. I’d much rather hear your take on this just-released official list of highly qualified contestants who have chosen to partake in the debauchery know as The Bachelor Pad.

Those blatantly willing to perpetuate drama, brood in string bikinis or guard and protect the hearts of others include:

The Women:
GIA ALLEMAND (“The Bachelor” Season 14, Jake Pavelka)
I’m not sure why Gia has been given the rare opportunity to return to the place where Wes Hayden first serenaded her on the same wicker furniture in which Crazy Dave and Natalie hooked up each night, but she’s back. I’m more excited about her accent than anything.

HOLLY DURST (“The Bachelor” Season 12, Matt Grant)
Apparently, Holly is no longer engaged to Michael Stagliano…the twin from Jillian’s season. Supposedly, she thinks she made a mistake. What better way to mend a broken heart than to pack up a gallon-size jug of hand sanitizer and see how things go with your ex in the Bachelor Pad because oh yeah, HE’S THERE TOO.

VIENNA GIRARDI (“The Bachelor” Season 14, Jake Pavelka)
Rumor has it that creeptastic Kasey is guarding and protecting Vienna’s heart. Both Kasey and Jake are raising the testosterone at the Bachelor Pad. Someone at ABC is pretty brilliant if you ask me.

JACKIE GORDON (“The Bachelor” Season 15, Brad Womack)
I have to admit that I looked Jackie up on the website. I’m calling it…she and Jake will form an alliance.

MICHELLE MONEY (“The Bachelor” Season 15, Brad Womack)
Hide your bunnies gentlemen.

ELLA NOLAN (“The Bachelor” Season 14, Jake Pavelka)
I don’t remember who this is.

ERICA ROSE (“The Bachelor” Season 9, Lorenzo Borghese)
I hope that Princess Erica has a candid conversation with Our Host Chris Harrison about how it’s unfair that she was unable to bring her toy poodle and house boy to fetch her luggage. I’m guessing the bunk bed situation will be a bit rough for her highness.

MELISSA SCHREIBER (“The Bachelor” Season 15, Brad Womack)
She’s going to be the first to meltdown and will be kicked off early. Bless her heart.

ALLI TRAVIS (“The Bachelor” Season 15, Brad Womack)
You remember Alli, right? She was nine feet tall and talked about her boobs the whole time? I think she’ll be a dark horse and fly under the radar for a while before winning hearts or reeking havoc on Casa de Bachelor.

The Men
GRAHAM BUNN (“The Bachelorette” Season 4, DeAnna Pappas)
Graham = hot. Thank goodness only swim trunks and underwear are on the official pack list for The Bachelor Pad.

KIRK DEWINDT (“The Bachelorette” Season 6, Ali Fedotowski)
LIVE STRONG MOLDY KIRK! I loved him and his affectionate taxidermy Dad. He needs a good normal woman. Perhaps a tall one with big boobs.

KASEY KAHL (“The Bachelorette” Season 6, Ali Fedotowski)
Please, please, please ABC…I would love to see Kasey and Jake take each other on in some sort of obscure Brazilian jujitsu.

JAKE PAVELKA (“The Bachelor” Season 14)
I’m already annoyed.

JUSTIN “RATED-R” REGO (“The Bachelorette” Season 6, Ali Fedotowski)
I wonder if he’ll straight up call his girlfriend this time around since it’s not really a dating show but more of an “all-star” slumber party we are all forced to watch on TV because like a good train wreck, we just can’t look away.

MICHAEL STAGLIANO (“The Bachelorette” Season 5, Jillian Harris)
As I mentioned above, the Stag and Holly conveniently broke up just weeks before the Bachelor Pad and are conveniently both willing to pack the suggested Vaseline and Saran Wrap as spelled out in their pre-show letter and live in a dwelling of ill intent without drama or tears. I think they are playing ABC and will work to sabotage the others, miraculously fall back in love and beg the producers to convince America that THEY are the series’ new darlings in hopes to have a prime time wedding during sweeps in the fall.

MYSTERY MAN #1 (“The Bachelorette” Season 7, Ashley Hebert)
MYSTERY MAN #2 (“The Bachelorette” Season 7, Ashley Hebert)
MYSTERY MAN #3 (“The Bachelorette” Season 7, Ashley Hebert)

PLEASE BE BENTLEY.
PLEASE BE BENTLEY.
PLEASE BE BENTLEY.

Thoughts? Sound off in the comment section below!

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