Bachelor Pad Finale Recap: Team Stag and Grom
Before I start fielding emails about how last night was three hours that my readers will never get back, let me first discuss the one thing that is on all of your minds this morning.
Ella is totally going to look like that chick Elizabeth from Jake’s season when the swelling goes down from her nose job.
Admit it. I’m right.
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you poked on Facebook happens to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the nephew/former classmate of someone who is obsessed with the Hunger Games trilogy and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.
According to Our Host Chris Harrison, the final competition will take place in Sin City. It will not challenge our contestants in a battle of wits, but instead with an effervescent display of showmanship in bedazzled leotards. No…they will not be opening for Cher’s third “Do You Believe In Farewell Tours” act at the Bellagio. They will be scaling a wall in a harness with lucky members of Cirque dul Soleil’s “KA” performance troop. That “KA” is pronounced “caw.” It’s most well received when you mimic the sound a crow makes. At least that’s what my watching party did for the first hour. You’d be surprised what a well-timed “caw” can bring to the table when Bachelor Pad details are a bit on the redundant side. The important thing to remember is that the couple who wins this challenge is guaranteed a spot in the finals.
The six remaining contestants make their way into a cold, dark theater. The stage comes to life and a 100-foot wall appears from the floor. Creepy smoke filters off the set and the silhouette of a strong, confident person strides forward through the haze. It’s Harrison of course. He commands the stage. Clearly, his past Miss America hosting gigs have prepared him for this moment.
OHCH: “Welcome contestants. The challenge is simple. Learn a 60-second routine from the “caw” dancers. The last 10 seconds will be free style. You will be judged on technical ability, showmanship and your chemistry as a couple. You have 24 hours. Those who give the best performance will be in the finals. Those who have the worst performance will leave Las Vegas. FOREVER.”
Everyone scrambles to begin practicing walking on level ground with their “caw’s.” Kasey is eager to incorporate a signature move in their final 10 second free style.
Kasey: “Because I have vowed with this tattoo to guard and protect
Ali Vienna’s heart, I think we should form a heart with our bodies. It will show our chemistry. These jokers need to listen to me because everything I’ve predicted has happened so far. It’s time to win.”
Vienna would never be a physical “Be Fri” to Kasey’s “st end” and decides that the best way to show chemistry as one is suspended from a wall is to attack your partner before he drops 50 feet down to his pretend death below. This turns Kasey on and they agree to make out like harnessed rabbits.
Ella is having a hard time getting over her lack of trust in the harness. She and Kirk modify their routine to be more cautious.
Ella: “It would crush me if I didn’t win. This money is for my
new boobs son.”
Holly and the Stag are still awkward when they are forced to be together in the same room. Holly copes by daydreaming of Blake. Stag prefers vertical wall break dancing.
Meanwhile, Grom and Michelle are doing what they can to maintain composure around the other one.
Michelle: “I feel like throwing up.”
Groom: “I’m literally pissing down my leg right now.”
Gross. Are you Grom? You are LITERALLY pissing down your ornamented pant leg? Can we get an intern over here to clean this mess up? Seriously.
Everyone complains about something. Kasey thinks Vienna can’t win without him. Vienna says that she has to pull back because Kasey can’t keep up. Stag is whining about Blake. Grom is screaming like a girl. Michelle is puking up lunch. And Kirk is mistaken for William. Again.
Ella: “I mean it’s a tiny little harness. I have to get over my fear and just do it. Child birth was easier than this. Even rhinoplasty was easier than this. I can guarantee you that no one is going to bed tonight until they get their dance down perfect.”
Cut to shot of Vienna and Kasey asleep in the bed. Apparently, everyone else was busy eating their dinner directly off of the dining room table in a massive hurry before rushing off to practice their KA dance until dawn. Their living quarters looked like a frat house after an all-night kegger with the Kappas.
The next morning, someone lost a bet and our contestants were costumed in the most ridiculous looking Spandex get-ups that I have ever seen. Each couple showcases a different colored unitard that had been bathed in glittering rhinestones. Ironically, each dude seemed unfazed by the lack of masculinity in these outfits. Stag even opted to conduct all of his interviews in the under layer of said sparkly Spandex. He looked like a young Scott Hamilton in a Lifetime Movie based on his early career called, “Toe Pick: My Life in the Ice Capades.”
Harrison manages to resist the urge to point and laugh or break out his iPhone to send pictures to Erica so she can identify the best package on stage. Instead, he introduces the judges…those who have the power to make or break out contestants
OHCH: “Our first judge is America’s sweetheart! She is living proof that this silly show actually works! Welcome TRISTA!”
Everyone shows the appropriate respect and claps for the Bachelor Queen.
OHCH: “Our next judge picked my co-host Melissa Rycroft as his soon to be beloved bride and then said JUST KIDDING on national TV! He sent her crying from the studio and ended up choosing the rejected second-place runner up. Never in Bachelor history have we experienced anything so dramatic. In fact, I’ve been given the challenge to think of a way to publicly humiliate one of YOU later on in the show so we can have something for the folks at the water cooler to talk about tomorrow because the whole ‘Ames loves Jackie’ bit didn’t really pan out the way the producers planned. Please welcome MELBA TOAST JASON!”
A murmur spreads through out contestants as Ella reminds everyone that Jason was indeed and actual Bachelor on the show.
OHCH: “And finally, this girl-next-door has the coolest boyfriend ever. He’s a baseball player. He’s charming. He’s en fuego. It’s Roberto’s fiancé Ali!
Harrison makes plans to roll at the high stakes table later with Roberto and the competition begins. Michelle and Grom don delightful crimson red attire as they get jiggy with it up the 100-foot wall. They were going for some street cred theme because I’m pretty sure they flashed a few gang signs in their final moments of free style. It appeared to be a hot mess. Trista mouthed the word, “WOW” once. One can only assume she was complementing the view of Grom from her position down below. The good news is neither Grom nor Money threw up. Success!
Kirk and Ella are up next. Let’s just say that yellow is a good color for very few folks. Live Strong Kirk is not one of them. His face was lost in a paste of canary Spandex and green sequin embellishments. Their big finish was pulling some sort of confetti from their tight work out gear and sprinkling it on the stage below. It looked and felt lame. The judges agreed.
I like to call Kasey and Vienna’s piece “Anger Management.” There was a lot of running, screaming, hitting and falling. Vienna punched Kasey just above his royal blue neckerchief sending him tumbling down the wall. Kasey slapped Vienna, causing her to fall listlessly in her harness. They ended with true chemistry by sticking their tongues down each of their throats. Trista seemed scared. Jason seemed bored. Ali secretly congratulates herself for pretending that she had to go work during her season on the Bachelor, leaving Jake to ultimately choose Vienna.
We’ve all heard that it’s not easy being green. Especially when that green is a one piece unitard where fake emerald jewels go to die. But green is the color of jealousy and Stag feels perfectly comfortable in this attire. He and Holly rock the entire wall routine before performing a brilliantly executed break dance number that was followed up by a cheerleader lift that would make any NCA summer camp buddy proud.
It was so impressive, that my entire watching party “caw’d” in unison before we rewound and watched again. Even Harrison exerted some energy and clapped for the ex-couple.
To no one’s surprise, Trista bestowed the roses to Stag and Holly and broke the news that this was the end of the road for Kirk and Ella. Both were sent packing to their rejection limo, forced to wander around the Vegas airport looking like a Bedazzled banana.
Harrison reminds Holly and Stag that they have to bestow the final rose to the couple they want to join them in the finals. Vienna begs Kasey to take it down a notch and not be so intense when they plead their case. He listens, nods his head and proceeds to force his beliefs down Stag’s throat by saying that he and Vienna have “played the game” and “fought the fight” and that Michelle and Grom have always kept their hands clean.
When the new power couple leaves, Vienna reprimands Kasey for not listening to her. He leaves to go outside and drink a Zima barefoot and mope against the wall of the Bachelor Compound. Vienna is convinced she can not fix the mess he’s caused.
Back at the outdoor massage cabana, Stag explains to Grom and Michelle that he feels that choosing Vienna and Kasey would give them the edge they need to win the competition. Grom is ticked and says that this is more than money.
Grom: “Stag is my teammate. My friend. And now this is about money? No. You do what you are obligated to do for your boy. This is NOT how I operate. He can have my cut of the money. I wouldn’t trade my friend for $100K.”
That night on the freshly sprayed driveway, Holly recites her memorized speech about how this is a game and they had a decision to make. They could be selfish or selfless. Stag concludes that he has been loyal since that day he hung out shirtless with Grom in front of the outdoor fire pit and chooses his bro as the other finalist.
Michelle collapses to the ground. Grom tells Stag he loves him. Vienna and Kasey share a rejection limo to the airport and talk about how they
were screwed the entire show.
AFTER THE SEMI-FINAL ROSE
We’re just in the second hour folks. I think that the best way to convey the material that went on during this segment is to compile one of my famous Top 10 lists. This has nothing to do with the fact that I may or may not have fast forwarded through the majority of this hour. Trust me.
Top 10 Moments From After The Semi-Final Rose
10. Ames and Jackie
Poor Ames and Jackie. He looked entirely defeated when Harrison made him confess why he broke it off with Jackie after running to join her in the rejection limo. The weird thing is…he never gave an answer. All he said was, “This is not how I would have chosen it to end.” Some of us in my watching party thought it was because Jackie isn’t a Jack, but that’s neither here nor there. The point is that our sweet Ames looked sad and miserable.
What is up with Billy getting all the screen time last night? How many times do you think fellow losing contestants thought, “Get over yourself Kirk. Let someone else talk.”
I think Jake used the term “olive branch” more than all times in the Old Testament combined. He had a mission to come and rectify things with Vienna and he did. He got closure. He was quiet. Apologized a lot. And let Vienna dig her own grave.
Vienna took the advice of Erica’s astrologer Herb to “just sit there and smile and don’t say anything stupid” I assume. There were hints of crazy eyes here and there, but she did try to act somewhat normal without admitting that she was back stabbing or a freak for fighting with Kasey and obsessing over Jake the entire show.
Vienna: “We have closure. We’ve moved on. Great things are happening for both of us. He’s on the wings of love with a cargo flight job. I have my new nose. We are good.”
OHCH: “But didn’t you want to take that olive branch and stick it where the sun don’t shine? That doesn’t seem like closure to me?”
Vienna: “I enjoyed myself at the house.”
OHCH: “What you enjoyed was making every effort possible to poison Jake.”
Vienna: “There were so many fun moments that people didn’t see. Remember when you fell off the chair Jake!? So funny! Fun!”
Gia: “Is that why you took the screws out of the legs of that chair?”
Vienna: “SHUT UP! Ouch! My nose! WHY AREN’T YOU GUARDING AND PROTECTING ME KASEY?”
If I didn’t know better, I’d say that Kasey and Vienna were broken up. He barely looked at her. He neither guarded nor protected her once. And he even had a break down with Harrison when he admitted that he was an unkind contestant. He apologizes to Jake for being rude. He professes his love to Vienna and explains that she is an emotional person, but he adores her. And he wants America to know he is a sweet, sensitive guy who was just playing a game. Do y’all think this was genuine emotion?
When I read that Ella has new boobs, stomach and nose, I was convinced that she and Kirk took home the winnings. Now I think it was just a way for ABC to throw us off the trail. I still stand by my theory that she took Elizabeth’s photo in as an example of how she wants her nose and chin to look. She was pretty quiet throughout the show.
ABC should fire the person who gave her a gavel. What in the world? And why was Harrison leading her on to “judge” moments from the night? Like William/Kirk, Erica was an extremely verbal panel loser. She seemed sharp. She seemed fresh. She seemed sober. And I think her Daddy nip tucked her a little before showtime.
Harrison invites Blake to the hot seat so they can talk about the difference between a relationship and a partnership.
Blake: “It was a competition. I was in a partnership with Crazy Melissa.”
OHCH: “Didn’t you call yourself a whore?”
My friend Todd: “Isn’t he the one who Erica tried to date rape?”
Melissa: “I thought he had feelings for me. Clearly, I don’t do reality TV very well. Yes, I did go a little crazy, but that Melissa came out because of the actions that were put on me by Blake.”
Blake: “My feelings were not romantic. I only knew her for a few days.”
OHCH: “Speaking for only knowing someone for a few days, how are things with you and Holly?”
Blake: “I’m madly in love with Holly. In fact, I love her so much that I was able to convince ABC to come out to the side of a mountain so our love could be filmed.”
ABC rolls the tape of Blake proposing to Holly as she screams in her best baby voice, “YES!”
Harrison can’t wait to call the contestants out onto the stage, so he can publicly congratulate her in front of Stag. Her eyes grow wide as she looks at Stag with a pathetic, “I’m sorry” shake of the head.
OHCH: “Did you hear the news Stag?”
Holly: “We got engaged.”
Stag: “Wait…like, here?”
Holly: “No. On Sunday.”
Stag: “Wow. This is super awkward. And pretty douchey of ABC. I’m ashamed of you Harrison for putting me through this. Some water would be great. I use sarcasm when I’m nervous or don’t know what to say. How about a commercial break? No one thought to email or text me?”
After another hour of all the panelists showing off their new noses, hair styles and fashion trends, each had to write the name of the couple they want to see take home the cash. Most feel sorry for Stag’s kick to the curb and then a nationally televised rubbing of salt in his openly wounded heart and choose the break dancer and Holly as the winners. Stag does a little embarrassing jig upon the announcement. Holly joins him so America doesn’t think she’s a complete chach for marrying Blake.
BUT WAIT! THERE’S MORE! JUST LIKE LAST YEAR!
Harrison tells Holly and Stag to go to separate deliberation rooms where they will find pieces of Bachelor Pad cardboard that reads KEEP or SHARE. If they both choose SHARE, they will split the money. If one chooses KEEP, that person gets all of the winnings. If they both choose KEEP, the losers get to split the money evenly.
Of course, our official power couple discussed this exact scenario based on last season’s exact same scenario. Naturally, Stag leads us to believe that he feels betrayed by Holly, but ultimately wants to see her happy. They both choose SHARE. Holly mentally begins planning her $125K wedding and Stag centipedes off into the sunset a little bit richer.
Finally, Our Host brings out Groban and we learn that the next season starts in January. Never fear dear readers! I’ll be providing an assorted array of highly entertaining posts between now and then. Feel free to check back and join in the fun. “CAW!”
All about the shame, not the fame,