Bachelor Pad Recap: Chris is a Dill Hole

Seriously. I couldn’t come up with a better title to describe last night’s bender into the soul-sucking depths of depravity. He’s immature, cocky and surrounded by a bunch of silly girls who checked their self respect at the door years ago. This is the best you’re going to get Chris. Live it up, because I’m quite confident that no woman with an ounce of decorum would give you a second of their time. Stop being such a butt munch. And oh yeah…

Welcome to week four of Bachelor Pad.

Lindzi
Season: The Groban

Our resident horse whisperer was pretty much M.I.A. this episode again. She’s still a “power couple” with Kalon and she still keeps her mouth shut, neither giving her opinion nor stirring the pot with ridiculous claims or general whining of any sort. Sure it’s bad for TV, but who needs to be dramatic when you have…

Blakeley
Season: The Groban

Blakeley! She is the most intense person in the entire mansion. She is irate with her partner Chris who makes no excuses for hooking up with fake boobs. When she’s not pulling him to the cabana for a quick “we’re cool, right?” talk, she’s pointing an accusatory finger at Jamie, shouting nonsense or sobbing to Rachel in the hot tub, depressed that she’s the only one who has a partner that doesn’t have her back. Her only saving grace is the fact that she’s in an alliance with the Stag.

Sarah
Season: Brad – The Original Recipe

When Sarah talks about anything serious, she has something very Miley Cyrus-ness about her mouth. I hadn’t really noticed until last night when Chris decided to ditch Blakeley in lieu of hooking up with Jamie before choosing Sarah to accompany him on a romantic date. Sarah and Chris get in a limo that mysteriously stops at the top of a parking garage before the driver burns rubber, acting like a maniac as Chris hoots and hollers in the back seat, while Sarah loses her top in the chaos. After slamming into a fake wall, Jackie Chan’s second cousin teaches them a little kung fu, Sarah squeezes into a cat suit and then accidentally kicks Chris in the jaw while making an action movie for ABC’s YouTube channel. Tired from their day, they relax in a hot tub where Sarah embraces her doppelganger by insisting that “The Climb” is actually about crawling into the lap of a loved one for a little dry humping. They finish making out, find some robes and ask the front desk of the hotel for a room key. Chris closes the segment with the classy line, “It’s like a car. I’ve just traded in Jamie for a newer model.”

Jamie
Season: The Groban

I’m not even sure Jamie’s actions merit a “bless her heart.” I’ve never been simultaneously embarrassed, sad and angry at someone. She throws herself at Chris (opting for a red string bikini instead of a beach towel this time) and gushes on and on about how she is the luckiest girl in the land that this boy is paying attention to her. He confesses that he does not have romantic feelings about his competition partner Blakeley, and Jamie translates that fact to mean that she should be picking out china patterns and invitation fonts. A good 30 minutes of the painful two-hour show featured the pair making out in a dark room (thank you night vision goggles), complete with sub-titles of their whispered conversations. Chris notes that the only way to shut Jamie up is to stick his tongue down her throat, while she visualizes finalizing the bridesmaid gown color swatches. Chris explains to Jamie that he’s just being nice to Sarah by asking her out on a date, because he obviously doesn’t want to take Blakeley. Sarah tells the camera how sweet, loyal and kind her pseudo-boyfriend is for taking another girl on a romantic date and it’s even more chivalrous that Chris doesn’t want to drive home so late and is concerned for Sarah’s safety after their one-on-one time. I’m concerned that Jamie was absent the day the class learned about context clues and hope that the ABC Psychotherapist is on standby when the pair return home during the group breakfast the next morning.

Erica Rose
Season: The Prince

Like Lindzi, Erica has been thankfully quiet the past few weeks. The only thing we learn is that she would be a horrible Mom because she eats her hair extensions on a regular basis. This knowledge doesn’t seem to bother her as she removes a stray strand stuck to the corner of her mouth.

Jaclyn
Season: The Groban

Harrison channels his inner Bob Eubanks and asks some basic franchise-related questions during the “Game Show Mashup” competition. He cranks the heat up later in the round by revealing highly inappropriate responses from questionnaires that were answered while the contestants were either emotionally exhausted or physically wasted from the previous night of binge drinking and rose ceremony-ing. “Who do the girls think is the most annoying girl in the house?” he asks with a gleam in his eye. (Newsflash: It’s Jamie.) “Who has accomplished the least in life?” he wonders aloud. (This just in: It’s Blakeley.) Jaclyn and Ed win the game and in an interesting twist, she picks him to accompany her on a date to Dodger Stadium where they hit balls, eat hot dogs and butcher the national anthem. Jaclyn is totally into Ed. Ed is totally into Ed. It’s a match made in heaven.

Rachel
Season: The Groban

Rachel came in last place during the game show questions. How did she not remember that Tanner was the foot fetish guy? Her last place status secured her a vote off the island and she immediately becomes nervous that she will be the next going home. As luck would have it, since Ed gave up his one-on-one date to go with Jaclyn, he was able to save someone from elimination. He chose to give the rose to Rachel who later celebrated horizontally with Stag. She was declared safe at the rose ceremony while her outfit was declared atrocious. Of course, Laura Ingalls Wilder looked fabulous in the frock when she married Almonzo but “Gunny Sax” doesn’t really translate well on a surfer chick with a nose stud from California. My opinion only.

Chris
Season: Emily

He’s worse than Kalon. What a chach. Jaclyn and Rachel are both safe with roses. Chris wants Blakeley gone because she is totally cramping his style and he’d rather juggle one desperate and one hot girl than having to incorporate an emotional roller coaster in the mix too. Feeling very bold, he makes it his mission to send Blakeley home. He confides in both Kalon and Ed, who swear to his face that they will vote with him.

Kalon
Season: Emily

Unbeknownst to everyone, Kalon tells each contestant what they want to hear, lies incessantly and ends up wisely sticking with his original alliance with the Stag by voting off Jamie, which is for the best because I was beginning to weep for her consistent state of insecurity.

Nick
Season: Ashley

Super Fan Dave fiercely tried to get Nick voted off, but it didn’t work. We did hear him utter a few words this week, but nothing worth recapping.

Tony
Season: Emily

It took me a minute to remember who this guy is and then I forgot again. I’m out.

The Stag
Season: Jillian

The Stag is still in charge and considers himself a mentor since he’s been on the show before. He plays the game well, isn’t ugly and doesn’t take himself too seriously. He was sadly absent from the majority of the show. A strongly worded letter has been written to ABC as a result.

Ed
Season: Jillian

Because Ed is an expert when it comes to how many participants are in a ménage à trois, he wins the game show competition and secures a romantic one-on-one date. When Jaclyn invites him to be her date on HER romantic one-on-one, I’d be willing to bet Ed’s entire stash of Jose Cuervo that he didn’t realize he was giving up his own date to be with her. It was evident in his face that he’s just not that in to her when the Dodger Stadium “KISS CAM” projected a huge picture of their faces. He summons the courage to plant one on her before turning his attention back to the fireworks and sending the ABC intern to the concession stand for more beer. Perhaps a keg.

David
Super Fan

Super Dave is the guy booted off this week. As he rolls away from “the best four weeks of his life,” he begins to sob uncontrollably for a man who neither just experienced the death of a loved one or witnessed the birth of his first born. Life without daily challenges, long-stem roses and the hope of a Chris Harrison sighting is miserable. Here’s hoping he still has his job at the Daily Planet.

What did y’all think? Will Jamie ever find love? Will Super Dave stalk the mansion, collecting discarded rose petals from the trash? Is Ed really in to Jaclyn? What’s another word for douche that we can give Chris? Sound off in the comment section!

All about the fame, not the shame,

Lincee

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