Our Host Chris Harrison: “Your word is…douchebag.”
Ed: “Douchebag?”
OHCH: “Douchebag.”

Ed: “What is the origin of the word please?”
OHCH: “Austonian.”

Ed: “And the root of the word please?”
OHCH: “Hayden.”

Ed: “Could you use it in a sentence please?”
OHCH: “Sure. I’d be willing to bet that most women think you are a douchebag. Others are just confused by your charms. I’m looking at you Jaclyn.”

Ed: “Douchebag. C-H-R-I-S. Douchebag.”
OHCH: “I’ll accept it.”

Welcome to the inaugural Bachelor Nation Spelling Bee folks! We only have a few more episodes to suffer through before someone completely undeserving wins roughly $80,000 in change after taxes and splitting with their partner. Go week six!

Blakeley
Season: The Groban
Our Host Chris Harrison doesn’t even give Rachel five minutes of private mourning over the loss of her Stag before he confidently takes his position at the peak of the sunken living room. He explains that from now on, the contestants will be competing as couples.

OHCH: “Make sure you wear something nice for tomorrow’s competition. There will be no yoga pants or tank tops. Men…you will wear a suit. Ladies, you will not wear a shirt and call it a dress. Blakeley, you will borrow something from wardrobe.”

The next morning, the contestants climb on a school bus. Tony takes Blakeley to the back seat so they can make out before the big yellow dog pulls up in front of a school auditorium. Harrison greets the contestants and introduces a line of judges that consist of three extremely educated fourth graders, participating in a filthy reality television show so that the extracurricular portion of their intellect heavy resumes will reflect a well-roundedness preferred by Ivy League colleges around the world. And one of them has been given an “order up” bell from the Greek diner down the street.

Favorite line of the night given by Kalon: “Did they come straight from Hogwarts?”

The contestants finally notice the huge spelling bee banner on stage. “A spelling bee,” claims Tony. “It’s like the ONLY thing I’m not good at.”

ALL begin to shift uncomfortably. We’re not sure if it’s the fact that they are wearing pants for the first time in weeks, or if it’s the fact that all are wearing bathing suits as underwear under the pants. We’ll probably never know. What we do know is that they all admit to being horrific spellers. All but Kalon, that is, who claims he and Lindzi have this competition in the bag.

I’m not going to pretend that a competition in which partners spell words from Harlequin romance novels by taking turns alternating each letter back and forth isn’t somewhat difficult when you are standing before a panel of judgmental spelling prodigies and those with whom you compete . With that said, I weep for the future of this great country and the public education system, and hope that even though I subject myself to watching this monstrosity, I am not losing a significant amount of functioning brain cells.

Our Host starts out with some easy words (love, rose, kiss, heart) and all five partners soar through to the next round. It’s at the intermediate level where things start to go down hill. Blakeley and Tony miss engagement ring and in a huge surprise, Kalon and Lindzi are knocked out with the world jewelry. The bell ringer was disgusted by this behavior.

Our Host Chris Harrison: “Your word is aphrodisiac.”
Chris: “Aphrodisiac?”
Bell Ringer Kid: “Mr. Harrison. What is aphrodisiac?”
OHCH: “For some unknown reason, this guy on stage.”

He may be an aphrodisiac, but he can’t spell it. Chris and Sarah have three strikes. Ed and Jaclyn can win by spelling boutonniere. Which they don’t. And then Sarah and Chris are back up with titillating. Again, they bomb because of Sarah. I thought the kid was going to throw his bell at her head while Chris secretly threatened to cut her in her sleep. Finally, they win with the word serendipity.

This, of course brings great cheers from no one in the crowd as they skip off to their overnight fantasy date. Blakeley cries in Tony’s arms, professing that it feels like someone stuck a knife in her back and twisted it a million times. Tony’s quick to console her by sticking his tongue down her throat.

Sarah
Season: Brad – The Original Recipe
Sarah and Chris claim that they are the smartest of all living in the mansion (is this a victory really?) They journey via both plane and train to end up at an exotic overnight date location near a barn next to a pond. Having carefully read the wardrobe mandate that morning, Chris shimmies out of his khaki, flat-front chinos, freeing the bunched up swim trunks from the confines of the casual wear. Surprisingly, Sarah unzips…all the way down her right side…her red, slinky cocktail number (because nothing says business professional attire like a breakaway dress used as the naughty secretary outfit in all strip joints this side of the Mason Dixon line.) Although she would lead us to believe that was actually a swimsuit under her dress, it was really nautical themed lingerie. They both jumped into the water holding hands as they yelled, “SERENDIPITY” making me think of Frank Costanza in which I immediately chimed in, “SERENITY! SERENITY NOW!”

Chris
Season: Emily
Newsflash: Sarah is totally into Chris. Chris confessed that he may or may not be over his relationship with Emily (would we call it a relationship?) and was probably not ready to jump back into anything serious, but he’d still like to take a roll in the hay with Sarah if that’s okay. Fortunately, she was super chill and had no problem with an indiscriminate, non-committed dill hole who has the innate propensity to string women along with what must be some pretty powerful pheromones. She was calm, cool and casual. Pay no attention to her ridiculous choice of footwear and make room for the checkered blanket.

Tony
Season: Emily
Blakeley and Tony were unable to spell TITILLATING (or any other word with more than four letters) but were later saved by Jaclyn and Ed from elimination. Tony found Blakeley and her boobs titillating and decided to recycle Stag’s makeshift mansion date with Rachel last week by asking the ABC intern to break out the exact same blanket, candles and rose petals. Blakeley plastered on a fake smile and suffered through a horizontal make out session with the single dad as we were all treated to extremely close shots of his tongue zipping in and out of her mouth in a way that can only be described as the opposite of titillating. Tony’s fuchsia rose ceremony shirt can also be lumped into this very specific category.

Ed
Season: Jillian
Because Ed and Jaclyn couldn’t spell cockamamie, they were given a second-place pity date. An overnight one! I’m sure Ed just can’t wait. Jaclyn chooses to ignore all body language (Ed turning his back to her in the helicopter, not holding her hand and sheer look of exasperation) in order to pepper him with insecure laments surrounding their pseudo romance. “I’m scared of heartbreak!” (You should be.) “I’m afraid he will reject me.” (He already did once. Odds are he’ll do it again.)

Ed opens the dialog by apologizing for not have the most glamorous or graceful answer when Harrison asked in front of everyone if they were dating. She lets him off the hook by saying they hadn’t had “the talk” yet.

Ed diffuses the mounting words of affirmation bubbling from Jaclyn’s throat by mentioning this little fact: “I’ve been pursuing someone from back home for a while now. We were together for six months, but broke up so I could come on the show. I had a thing with both you and Sarah. I didn’t come here to meet someone. Hooking up is a part of this process.”

Spoken like a true gentleman. Where do I sign up?

Jaclyn
Season: The Groban
Jaclyn looks as if she’s been punched in the throat, but refrained from falling to pieces. She puts on her favorite doily dress for dinner where she pressures Ed, again, to explain to her why he says one thing but acts another way. She will NOT be the mansion whore. He compares the pressure to a Facebook status: Why must he say they are in a relationship? (Even though he’s totally poking her. I’m just saying.) He slowly explained that he wants to continue sleeping together, but that’s it — he needs her comfort and her trust, he will NOT be doing any of the extra boyfriend-y things. She paused, collected her thoughts and just when I thought she was about to kick his rose-colored blazer to the curb, she kissed him, admits that she can’t live without him and took him to the fantasy suite. This show makes me sad.

Rachel
Season: The Groban
I found it odd that everyone kept calling Rachel “the widow.” I need to make this perfectly clear. MICHAEL STAGLEANO IS NOT DEAD. Every scene she was in, she was crying to someone about how she was never going to see him again. Nick is finally given a talking head confessional moment. He wastes all 10 seconds by berating Rachel for losing focus and wishing the Super Fan chick with the huge cans was still on the show.

Meanwhile, Rachel, Blakelely and Jaclyn snuggle under a yellow down comforter to talk about their alliance and how they will all take each other to the end because Season 16 was so sweeeeeeeet! Rachel cries because her friends are awesome. Jaclyn fantasizes about Ed in his shorty shorts and Blakeley wonders what she will DVR first when she gets cable. They pinky swear they will never, EVER tell anyone about their alliance and toast to their good luck.

Nick
Season: Ashley
Nick understands that partnering with Rachel puts him in a bigger alliance. Throughout several monologues this episode, I was left to wonder why we haven’t seen him shirtless more often? And does he know that Tony considers him, “his boy?” I’d be willing to bet…no.

Kalon
Season: Emily
Kalon understands that he and Lindzi are on the chopping block. He starts to plant tiny seeds of suggestion that Rachel and Nick should go because they are not a real couple. Their union was slapped together like the secret nuptials of Lydia Bennett and Mr. Wickham. Should the shades of Bachelor Nation be thus polluted?

Kalon: “Just because we’re not emotional alcoholics, doesn’t mean that we don’t want the rose too.”

Between that statement and the Hogwarts shout out, I think Kalon may be endearing himself to me. WHAT IS HAPPENING?

Lindzi
Season: The Groban
In short, Lindzi never really took the time to befriend the other girls. Therefore, when the extra rose was up for grabs by Jaclyn and Ed, her best defense was, “Kalon and I aren’t strong enough by numbers. Give me the rose and I’ll be your b!tch.”

Sadly, that did not work and another power couple was sent home. He placed her in the rejection limo to the right as he climbed in the one on the left. Then he pulled an Ames, making his driver stop so he could crawl in to the limo with Lindzi so they could live happily ever after in his luxury brand apartment. Was it just me or is he totally in to her way more than she’s in to him?

What did you guys think? Did you love Harrison’s gingham rose ceremony tie? Why did they keep showing a hawk every five seconds? Does Blakeley really like Tony? Sound off in the comment section!

All about the fame, not the shame,
Lincee