Bachelor Pad Recap: Could you use it in a sentence please?

Our Host Chris Harrison: “Your word is…douchebag.”
Ed: “Douchebag?”
OHCH: “Douchebag.”

Ed: “What is the origin of the word please?”
OHCH: “Austonian.”

Ed: “And the root of the word please?”
OHCH: “Hayden.”

Ed: “Could you use it in a sentence please?”
OHCH: “Sure. I’d be willing to bet that most women think you are a douchebag. Others are just confused by your charms. I’m looking at you Jaclyn.”

Ed: “Douchebag. C-H-R-I-S. Douchebag.”
OHCH: “I’ll accept it.”

Welcome to the inaugural Bachelor Nation Spelling Bee folks! We only have a few more episodes to suffer through before someone completely undeserving wins roughly $80,000 in change after taxes and splitting with their partner. Go week six!

Season: The Groban

Our Host Chris Harrison doesn’t even give Rachel five minutes of private mourning over the loss of her Stag before he confidently takes his position at the peak of the sunken living room. He explains that from now on, the contestants will be competing as couples.

OHCH: “Make sure you wear something nice for tomorrow’s competition. There will be no yoga pants or tank tops. Men…you will wear a suit. Ladies, you will not wear a shirt and call it a dress. Blakeley, you will borrow something from wardrobe.”

The next morning, the contestants climb on a school bus. Tony takes Blakeley to the back seat so they can make out before the big yellow dog pulls up in front of a school auditorium. Harrison greets the contestants and introduces a line of judges that consist of three extremely educated fourth graders, participating in a filthy reality television show so that the extracurricular portion of their intellect heavy resumes will reflect a well-roundedness preferred by Ivy League colleges around the world. And one of them has been given an “order up” bell from the Greek diner down the street.

Favorite line of the night given by Kalon: “Did they come straight from Hogwarts?”

The contestants finally notice the huge spelling bee banner on stage. “A spelling bee,” claims Tony. “It’s like the ONLY thing I’m not good at.”

ALL begin to shift uncomfortably. We’re not sure if it’s the fact that they are wearing pants for the first time in weeks, or if it’s the fact that all are wearing bathing suits as underwear under the pants. We’ll probably never know. What we do know is that they all admit to being horrific spellers. All but Kalon, that is, who claims he and Lindzi have this competition in the bag.

I’m not going to pretend that a competition in which partners spell words from Harlequin romance novels by taking turns alternating each letter back and forth isn’t somewhat difficult when you are standing before a panel of judgmental spelling prodigies and those with whom you compete . With that said, I weep for the future of this great country and the public education system, and hope that even though I subject myself to watching this monstrosity, I am not losing a significant amount of functioning brain cells.

Our Host starts out with some easy words (love, rose, kiss, heart) and all five partners soar through to the next round. It’s at the intermediate level where things start to go down hill. Blakeley and Tony miss engagement ring and in a huge surprise, Kalon and Lindzi are knocked out with the world jewelry. The bell ringer was disgusted by this behavior.

Our Host Chris Harrison: “Your word is aphrodisiac.”
Chris: “Aphrodisiac?”
Bell Ringer Kid: “Mr. Harrison. What is aphrodisiac?”
OHCH: “For some unknown reason, this guy on stage.”

He may be an aphrodisiac, but he can’t spell it. Chris and Sarah have three strikes. Ed and Jaclyn can win by spelling boutonniere. Which they don’t. And then Sarah and Chris are back up with titillating. Again, they bomb because of Sarah. I thought the kid was going to throw his bell at her head while Chris secretly threatened to cut her in her sleep. Finally, they win with the word serendipity.

This, of course brings great cheers from no one in the crowd as they skip off to their overnight fantasy date. Blakeley cries in Tony’s arms, professing that it feels like someone stuck a knife in her back and twisted it a million times. Tony’s quick to console her by sticking his tongue down her throat.

Season: Brad – The Original Recipe

Sarah and Chris claim that they are the smartest of all living in the mansion (is this a victory really?) They journey via both plane and train to end up at an exotic overnight date location near a barn next to a pond. Having carefully read the wardrobe mandate that morning, Chris shimmies out of his khaki, flat-front chinos, freeing the bunched up swim trunks from the confines of the casual wear. Surprisingly, Sarah unzips…all the way down her right side…her red, slinky cocktail number (because nothing says business professional attire like a breakaway dress used as the naughty secretary outfit in all strip joints this side of the Mason Dixon line.) Although she would lead us to believe that was actually a swimsuit under her dress, it was really nautical themed lingerie. They both jumped into the water holding hands as they yelled, “SERENDIPITY” making me think of Frank Costanza in which I immediately chimed in, “SERENITY! SERENITY NOW!”

Season: Emily

Newsflash: Sarah is totally into Chris. Chris confessed that he may or may not be over his relationship with Emily (would we call it a relationship?) and was probably not ready to jump back into anything serious, but he’d still like to take a roll in the hay with Sarah if that’s okay. Fortunately, she was super chill and had no problem with an indiscriminate, non-committed dill hole who has the innate propensity to string women along with what must be some pretty powerful pheromones. She was calm, cool and casual. Pay no attention to her ridiculous choice of footwear and make room for the checkered blanket.

Season: Emily

Blakeley and Tony were unable to spell TITILLATING (or any other word with more than four letters) but were later saved by Jaclyn and Ed from elimination. Tony found Blakeley and her boobs titillating and decided to recycle Stag’s makeshift mansion date with Rachel last week by asking the ABC intern to break out the exact same blanket, candles and rose petals. Blakeley plastered on a fake smile and suffered through a horizontal make out session with the single dad as we were all treated to extremely close shots of his tongue zipping in and out of her mouth in a way that can only be described as the opposite of titillating. Tony’s fuchsia rose ceremony shirt can also be lumped into this very specific category.

Season: Jillian

Because Ed and Jaclyn couldn’t spell cockamamie, they were given a second-place pity date. An overnight one! I’m sure Ed just can’t wait. Jaclyn chooses to ignore all body language (Ed turning his back to her in the helicopter, not holding her hand and sheer look of exasperation) in order to pepper him with insecure laments surrounding their pseudo romance. “I’m scared of heartbreak!” (You should be.) “I’m afraid he will reject me.” (He already did once. Odds are he’ll do it again.)

Ed opens the dialog by apologizing for not have the most glamorous or graceful answer when Harrison asked in front of everyone if they were dating. She lets him off the hook by saying they hadn’t had “the talk” yet.

Ed diffuses the mounting words of affirmation bubbling from Jaclyn’s throat by mentioning this little fact: “I’ve been pursuing someone from back home for a while now. We were together for six months, but broke up so I could come on the show. I had a thing with both you and Sarah. I didn’t come here to meet someone. Hooking up is a part of this process.”

Spoken like a true gentleman. Where do I sign up?

Season: The Groban

Jaclyn looks as if she’s been punched in the throat, but refrained from falling to pieces. She puts on her favorite doily dress for dinner where she pressures Ed, again, to explain to her why he says one thing but acts another way. She will NOT be the mansion whore. He compares the pressure to a Facebook status: Why must he say they are in a relationship? (Even though he’s totally poking her. I’m just saying.) He slowly explained that he wants to continue sleeping together, but that’s it — he needs her comfort and her trust, he will NOT be doing any of the extra boyfriend-y things. She paused, collected her thoughts and just when I thought she was about to kick his rose-colored blazer to the curb, she kissed him, admits that she can’t live without him and took him to the fantasy suite. This show makes me sad.

Season: The Groban

I found it odd that everyone kept calling Rachel “the widow.” I need to make this perfectly clear. MICHAEL STAGLEANO IS NOT DEAD. Every scene she was in, she was crying to someone about how she was never going to see him again. Nick is finally given a talking head confessional moment. He wastes all 10 seconds by berating Rachel for losing focus and wishing the Super Fan chick with the huge cans was still on the show.

Meanwhile, Rachel, Blakelely and Jaclyn snuggle under a yellow down comforter to talk about their alliance and how they will all take each other to the end because Season 16 was so sweeeeeeeet! Rachel cries because her friends are awesome. Jaclyn fantasizes about Ed in his shorty shorts and Blakeley wonders what she will DVR first when she gets cable. They pinky swear they will never, EVER tell anyone about their alliance and toast to their good luck.

Season: Ashley

Nick understands that partnering with Rachel puts him in a bigger alliance. Throughout several monologues this episode, I was left to wonder why we haven’t seen him shirtless more often? And does he know that Tony considers him, “his boy?” I’d be willing to bet…no.

Season: Emily

Kalon understands that he and Lindzi are on the chopping block. He starts to plant tiny seeds of suggestion that Rachel and Nick should go because they are not a real couple. Their union was slapped together like the secret nuptials of Lydia Bennett and Mr. Wickham. Should the shades of Bachelor Nation be thus polluted?

Kalon: “Just because we’re not emotional alcoholics, doesn’t mean that we don’t want the rose too.”

Between that statement and the Hogwarts shout out, I think Kalon may be endearing himself to me. WHAT IS HAPPENING?

Season: The Groban

In short, Lindzi never really took the time to befriend the other girls. Therefore, when the extra rose was up for grabs by Jaclyn and Ed, her best defense was, “Kalon and I aren’t strong enough by numbers. Give me the rose and I’ll be your b!tch.”

Sadly, that did not work and another power couple was sent home. He placed her in the rejection limo to the right as he climbed in the one on the left. Then he pulled an Ames, making his driver stop so he could crawl in to the limo with Lindzi so they could live happily ever after in his luxury brand apartment. Was it just me or is he totally in to her way more than she’s in to him?

What did you guys think? Did you love Harrison’s gingham rose ceremony tie? Why did they keep showing a hawk every five seconds? Does Blakeley really like Tony? Sound off in the comment section!

All about the fame, not the shame,

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Green Bean Lover
Green Bean Lover
August 28, 2012 12:09 pm

Did anyone else notice Nick had on the black version of the “Ryan” tank top. How much did this company pay for product placement?

August 28, 2012 12:14 pm

Return of the Jim face!
WHAT was Rachel crying about?
Favorite line: Spoken like a true gentleman. Where do I sign up?

Lori in Tampa
Lori in Tampa
August 28, 2012 12:51 pm

Lincee your mock spelling bee in the beginning with Ed and the word douchbag was hilarious!! Thank you for taking the time to recap even though it seems obvious that very few of your regular followers are watching this mess. The whole Jaclyn situation makes me sad also. Ed is kind of right, though. It isn’t really a show about finding the love of your life. I think Jaclyn would look so much better if she cut her hair shorter in a way that was fuller around her face. The super straight long hair just makes her face look droopy.… Read more »

August 28, 2012 12:55 pm

Awesome recap! I was sure you would mention something about Sara seemingly walking miles and miles through the country, along dirt paths, in those hooker stilettos — what in the…? My fave line of yours: “Even though he’s totally poking her. I’m just saying.”


August 28, 2012 1:02 pm

I agree 100% with you about kalon , something must be wrong with me too lol. It does seem like he’s into lindzi more than she is him

August 28, 2012 1:15 pm

Yep, Green Bean Lover…I noticed. 🙂

August 28, 2012 1:16 pm

Loved the recap this week! Your Spelling Bee intro was spot on! 🙂 But I have to ask…how did you miss making a comment about Nick’s awesome “I wanna be like Ryan” tank top? LOL! I thought for sure you would mention that. I also think that maybe, just maybe, Blakely is a little bit into Tony. I think maybe she doesn’t want to be because she has always gone for douchebags (obviously) so she just doesn’t know that maybe a good guy has finally found her. Oh and yeah…the world may be ending…because I too have become a Kalon… Read more »

August 28, 2012 1:21 pm

I think from now on all girls on this show should be issued the book “He’s Just Not That Into You” in their official welcome to Bachelor Pad bag full of toiletries and sanitation items. The desperation from the girls on this said it best “this show makes me sad.”

August 28, 2012 1:22 pm

Jaclyn is just pitiful. I started screaming at the tv when she asked, “what am I doing wrong?” The answer is, everything. First, giving it up when the guy is completely drunk, and was with another woman the night before, going back and giving it up to the guy who told you he didn’t want to be with you in any way other than a game show partner, and then giving it up again when you realize he’s pulling away. Gosh, girl, the question should be, “Am I doing anything right?” Blakely is just playing along with Tony because she’s… Read more »

August 28, 2012 1:28 pm

I was snorting over the spelling bee, Lincee! And two questions:

1. Is it a requirement for everyone on this show to be bright orange? Except for Nick, who is bright red. Are they all from Panem or something?

2. Can someone fill me in on Blakeley and the cable tv references?

August 28, 2012 1:32 pm

Ah, a Pride and Predjudice reference!! Just when I thought I couldn’t admire you more Lincee!

This episode was a lesson for my daughter to see how hurtful hooking up is. Sure, Sarah and Jacklyn play cool, but they’re both hoping it turns into something more, and that never works out!!

What are men compared to rocks and mountains?

August 28, 2012 1:52 pm

Thanks for the awesome recap!!! My guess is that Blakely is not into Toni….i think she is just bored/trying to show chris she is fine without him. Also, earth to Jaclyn, give it up. He is using you.

Lincee, you are as always, hilarious!

Macedonian Hussy
Macedonian Hussy
August 28, 2012 2:44 pm

Say, as I recall, Tonly left the Emily show because he crying and weeping on Emily’s shoulder because he missed his son. I don’t get it–stopped missing the kid to get on Bachelor Pad and be a turnoff to some of us watchers. He should have just left ,period. He won’t win the money anyway.

August 28, 2012 2:44 pm

Correction: Blakely professing that it LITERALLY feels like someone stuck a knife in her back and twisted it a million times. Oh, how I love Bachelor Pad contestants and their literallys.

August 28, 2012 3:03 pm

If it makes you feel any better, rumor has it that Kalon and Lindzi are still dating. I never in a million years would have put the two of them together but who knows???

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