Bachelor Pad Recap: Hookin’ Up
In the words of one of my all-time favorite bachelors Michael Stagliano, “What if one of us gets and erection?”
It was an epic three hours in which creator Mike Fleiss was hell bent on engaging all of our major senses and more. My eyes rolled back in my head so many times that they almost permanently stuck once. My ears have never been subjected to such nonsense since the last time Jake Pavelka decided to take flight on the wings of love. And my skin crawled when Vienna disrobed in the semi-private lovers’ sanctuary, unaware that a secret camera was filming her the entire time.
It’s manipulation on steroids. It’s back stabbing at its finest. It’s crawling with germs. It’s the Bachelor Pad 2. Hop into your favorite hazmat suit and join me in the fun-filled frivolity, won’t you?
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you poked on Facebook happens to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the nephew/former classmate of someone who is obsessed with the Hunger Games trilogy and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.
I think it is important to first meet the contestants who have willingly signed up on this filthy journey to find love and possibly a shot at walking away with an STD and a quarter of a million dollars. Here’s the list:
Season: Brad 2.0
Once again, Alli’s boobs make a bigger impression than she does. Hot Graham from DDAHnna’s season immediately begins flirting with her and I had high hopes that she would finally be in the popular crowd at the mansion even though the exact same cocktail dress she wore was previously spotted at my “A Knight To Remember’” junior prom in 1993. Alas, that ended up not being the case. More on that later.
When Ames walked into the room, the entire congregation of money hungry reality “stars” cheered with a warm and fuzzy familiar affection. He was gracious, charming and wore white pants and a blue blazer to the first rose ceremony. Why yes it did look dazzling against the freshly washed driveway. He wisely stayed in the background for the majority of the show, only sneaking off every once in a while to stick his tongue down Jackie’s throat. That’s right! Our Ames has already found love!
Blake quickly turns the head of Holly…the girl who called her engagement off to the adorable Michael Stagliano. She thinks Blake is super smart and can’t help but being in awe when he uses big words like “dysfunctional.” We learn that Blake is a wolf in sheep’s clothing at the end when he makes a secret play to take down Kasey who has quickly become a serious threat to the house.
Ella could care less about finding romance on this show and she will cut your face off if you get in her way. She needs the money to buy a real house for her little boy. If you don’t believe me, just watch the footage of her wandering the neighborhoods for something with a white picket fence and a red door. And if that’s not reason enough to root for her, try this on for size: her step dad killed her mom in front of her and her sister when she was a kid. Survey says? WORTHY!
Season: The Prince
Sweet Erica forgot to wear her signature tiara a few times, but totally remembered to pop plenty of Valium before each on-camera appearance. Home girl slurred in every interview and I’m sure it took great effort for her to keep her eyes open as she blatantly explained that she would do anything to win this money so she could become financially independent from her family because winning a reality show is way easier than going out and finding a job. She’s older, wiser and can totally play Chopsticks on the piano. She’s in it to win it. Her Daddy didn’t have the heart to tell her that $250,000 would probably last her a few months with her spending habits, but he’s proud that she’s reaching for something on her own instead of insisting the maid do it for her.
I’m still unsure how Gia is back for a second season, but it’s a good thing because she was able to school anyone who would listen on how this sick competition works. Her advice? Don’t let love get in the way of strategy. Oh, and Jake is super awesome no matter what Vienna says. Every single guy in attendance is stoked that “the hottest girl in Bachelor history” is shacking up in the bunk bed next to them. She walks us through her Bachelor timeline, which includes: falling for Jake who dumped her and falling for He Who Must Not Be Named who cheated on her with Vienna. She thinks Vienna is a reality skank who just wants attention. (Said the girl who is competing on a reality show for a third time.)
Aside from his attempts to woo Alli (who knows if they were genuine?) Graham was labeled as one of the “core four.” However, his one role in the show last night was to get Alli on their team. He may have spoken two sentences, but he looked really pretty doing it. And if he wins the money, he’ll go to third world countries and drill water wells for the villages. I heart him and I hope he is nice. He’s my junior varsity pick to Ames for winning it all with Stag in a close third.
I wonder if Holly has received a letter from PETA? I’m sure they are beyond irritated that so many flamingos had to be plucked to death just to make her look that ridiculous in a pink feather skirt. And PS: she’s not longer a glowing blonde! She’s more of a burnt skinned brunette who giggles a lot and is extremely bummed that her ex-fiance is in the house cramping her style and generally killing her buzz. She feels bad for crushing on Blake in front of Stag…for about half a second.
Season: Brad 2.0
Jackie was the one who got dumped after the princess date. She can’t stand Michelle Money and called her a spider on the Women Tell All. Apparently, this is enough to stir up tons of fake pre-footage drama and when she enters the mansion, Michelle Money’s dazzling smile turns sour. Ames, on the other hand, is mesmerized by her beauty and quickly plans a romantic rendezvous in Central Park complete with champagne, strawberries and his favorite works of Chaucer.
Season: Jillian and “One the Wings of Love” Bachelor
He’s still a douche.
Rated R Justin
This guy thinks we all called him “The Wrestler” when he was on Ali’s season. Actually, we called him “dill hole” or “Rated PG” because he was the chach who had a girlfriend the entire time and got caught. Now he hangs out in dark Canadian street corners with brightly colored graffiti and spits out wicked wrestling phrases that he hopes will catch on in America, eh? He recites his practiced speech and self-proclaims that he will be this season’s resident bad boy who’s aboot to play dirty. Clearly, he has yet to grasp the fact that bad boys rarely call themselves bad boys. They’re just bad and don’t care.
Ah Kasey. The words “guard” and “protect” will never be the same again. You’ll be happy to know that he’s still on that bandwagon and his tattoo almost garnered more screen time than he did! But look! He’s not just guarding and protecting random souls…he’s chosen Vienna’s new nose to guard and protect! Hurray! They are two of the “core four” and according to pre-packaged interviews, they’ve been guarding and protecting for about six months now and are going into the show as the “power couple” to beat. And it’s hard to beat someone who has gained 30 pounds of muscle.
Live Strong Moldy Kirk
We called it during Ashley’s season and it was confirmed last night. Live Strong Kirk and Roasting William are long lost brothers. We have another Groban situation on our hands which makes me beside myself excited. We must come up with a couple’s name for them. Willirk? KirWill? Josh Lucas? Help me out folks.
Season: Brad 2.0
You don’t remember Melissa? Well I bet you DO remember the tall, skinny, blonde chick who was either making out with Brad at inappropriate times or crying in the bathroom. She was uncharacteristically quiet this episode, but thanks to scenes from next week, she melts down pretty quickly. I know I can’t wait.
Michael “The Stag”
I thought he was darling then and I think he’s darling now. I’m not quite sure why the flamingo girl dumped him after they were engaged. I have a theory that it’s all a devilishly crafted ploy to remain secret allies and win the money! Or else they are going to figure out that they truly love each other and decide to get married again. Or Holly takes Blake to the semi-private lovers’ sanctuary and the Stag is left to weep in his bunk bed before Michelle Money takes advantage of him.
Season: Brad 2.0
Michelle’s crazy eyes only appeared twice last night and I think we should all consider that a victory. A victory quickly followed by a party foul due to her teeth being so distractingly white! She’s the final contestant in the “core four” and is on a mission to endear herself to all the other contestants and viewers for that matter. You see, her dad was diagnosed with stage four colon cancer and she wants to donate the money for research. Well crap. How can I root against that?
Oh Vienna. Vienna, Vienna, Vienna. She has Kasey so tightly woven in her web that it’s really sad. Together, they are going to take Jake down in the first night by telling everyone that she is literally terrified of what he might do. Her strengths are fake crying, wearing string bikinis and a impenetrable will to sabotage her ex and Gia in one fell swoop.
Young William follows Kirk around all night. Or is it the other way around? I can’t be sure.
Just so we’re clear: Michelle doesn’t like Jackie. Ames loves Jackie, but they are keeping their couple status a secret. Vienna hates Gia who is an ally of Jake. Kasey is ripped on roids and wants to guard and protect terrified Vienna from the evil Jake who is mad at Vienna for selling their break-up story to a tabloid. By the way, they haven’t seen or spoken to each other since the night they duked it out in front of Harrison on national TV. Rated R is out to get Kasey. Stag still loves Holly. Holly loves alcohol and everyone thinks Graham is hot.
One hour down. Two to go. Lord give me strength.
Our Host Chris Harrison clinks the butter knife on the champagne glass and calls the contestants to order. We choose to yet again, dismiss the volume of his hair and instead concentrate on the rules of the game. Guys vote girls off and girls vote guys off. Strategy is very important, especially since the first challenge involves each one pairing with someone of the opposite sex. Gia begins a bidding war for herself as Erica checks around for which man’s astrological reading will best compliment hers.
The next morning, Harrison summons the contestants into the front driveway where nine beds are lined in a row with harnesses suspended above. I’m thinking kinky pillow fight or S&M photo shoot. Just like the good old days!
Harrison explains that there are two roses up for grabs…one male and one female. Those who win will be safe from elimination and get a romantic one-on-one date away from the house. The challenge? It’s simple. Dudes are harnessed up and raised 10 feet in the hair. Ladies have to hold on however long they can. Last ones to remained hooked up win.
Clearly, this is best executed in a string bikini.
Harrison asks the contestants to assume their positions and that’s when it straight up became awkward.
Gia chose to clutch for dear life to Will who almost immediately dropped her.
Gia: “Will gave up. That’s so stupid. I’m tiny.”
Will: “I totally touched her boob. Who has two thumbs and is a total winner? THIS GUY!”
Holly and the Stag soon dropped out because Holly wanted to go drinking instead of dry humping her ex-fiance 10 feet above the ground. Solid call. Graham and Alli were the next to fall, followed quickly by Melissa and Blake and the Erica / Live Strong Kirk duo. Michelle Money performed all sorts of exciting acrobats with Ames as her partner in order to give his arms a rest, but he soon had to bail because his left shoulder was done. Once Ella and Rated R fell to the comfort of their goose down mattresses, we were left with Kasey guarding and protecting Vienna’s heart dangling next to Jake and Jackie.
Jake is mere seconds away from losing all feeling in his lower extremities, but knows that his only chance for staying in the competition is to win the coveted bud. Jackie is in full-blown leech mode. Kasey shows signs of weakness as Vienna hisses to him to hang on! I bet someone is wishing right about now she had opted for the ample C-cup instead of the greedy double D’s, am I right?
Vienna: “Don’t you dare let go of me. I don’t care if your pelvic region is tingling. We can NOT let him win immunity.”
Upon hearing the word “immunity” I quickly glance down below and I confirm that yes, it’s still Our Host Chris Harrison gaping up at the hanging contestants and not Jeff Probst of Survivor fame. Rolling my eyes, I almost let out an enthusiastic WOO HOO before Kasey listlessly released his grip on his beloved and she slid down his waist, tingling crotch and legs before her feet touched the 300 thread count lavender sheets. Once Jake regained consciousness, he celebrated with Jackie as Vienna went to pout off camera.
The scene quickly changes to a stoic Kasey, pondering his defeat in a non-bubbling hot tub. Vienna joins him and looks almost angelic as she slithers towards him with this encouraging sentiment:
Vienna: “I was expecting a little more from you Kasey.”
Kasey: “He won fair and square. He beat us. He deserves to win.”
Vienna emasculates him in front of the entire viewing audience, chastising him for not making good on his promise to guard and protect her. The next morning, they fight some more. Vienna cries. Kasey feels bad. Then they talk about loving each other more than peanut butter cookies and all is right with the world.
KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK! The date card has arrived! Gia is the lucky contestant to read out loud to the group that Jake and Jackie will have dinner above the stars together. Newsflash! They get to give one rose out to a person they would like to keep safe at the next rose ceremony.
Immediately, the “core four” begin to strategize. Kasey, Vienna, Graham and Michelle are certain they can get Kirk, Erica, Holly and the Stag on their side. Graham is sent to secure Alli, but they still need one more guy on their team. They choose Rated R.
Excited to have a face-to-face conversation with Michelle Money, Rated R agrees to be the swing vote. Then he calls himself a rebel and tattles to the other team about the “core four’s” plan. Again…if you call yourself a rebel…you’re probably not a rebel. What a hoser. He also tells Alli that she better watch out because Graham is going to try and woo her to the other side. Naturally, Alli forgets about the game and confronts Graham because she totally digs his chili.
As a result, Rated R and Alli are both considered untrustworthy contestants because they fraternize with both teams.
Meanwhile, while walking down Hollywood Boulevard with Jackie, Jake makes a little girl cry. No, he didn’t bring her to tears by using harsh words to make her shut up. Apparently, this third grader was emotional to see her favorite reality star in person.
There are all sorts of things wrong with this scenario.
Why is the third grader aware of who Jake is in the first place?
Why is her parental guidance allowing her to watch The Bachelor?
Why is a little girl walking down Hollywood Boulevard in the middle of the night? Is she turning tricks?
Did the producers call proper authorities after this interlude?
I would think Bob Guiney or the snow board dude who was engaged to DDAHnna would be a more logical choice for a third grader to appreciate. For real? The dancing pilot?
Jake and Jackie finally make it to the El Capitan theater where they have a lovely dinner on top of the marquee.
Jackie: “How did I get here!”
Lincee: “You straddled a comatose chach for 30 minutes. Don’t be dumb.”
Jackie asks Jake to tell her the REAL story about how he and Vienna ended things. Twenty minutes later, he finishes with crocodile tears running down his chiseled jaw line. I won’t bore you with details. Just know that Jackie thinks his heart is in the right place and she knows he wants to make things right with Vienna. Then she suggests he gives the safety rose to Vienna as a peace offering.
Back at the mansion, Vienna is vying for a position as a mensa candidate.
Vienna: “You know how you have a chapter in a book and you just want to burn it? Well, that’s how I feel about Jake. He’s so fake. He’s manipulative. If I could be a fly in the room. You know. With a tiny little camera. On the mouse. Or the fly.”
Don’t do drugs kids.
The next morning, Jackie astutely gives Jake complete ownership of the safety rose decision. He drinks the power up and confronts Gia and Rated R (why not?) for advice on who he should bestow his special gift before confessing that he’s thinking about giving it to Vienna.
Rated R: “If you hadn’t won, wouldn’t your head be on the chopping block?”
Rated R: “You’re being a Canuklehead.”
Jake admits that his instinct is to give it to Gia, but his heart says Vienna. I think he should get some new jeans without holes, but nobody asked me anything.
Gia: “This is not the Jake I know. It’s dumb to give the rose to Vienna. You don’t put the person you’re going to bomb in a bomb shelter.”
Jake: “The Trojans did.”
Gia: “Yeah, but they hid it in an elephant.”
Lincee: “Or a horse. Same thing. I got a little lost with the bomb shelter sure, but I think I found my way back. Bottom line: don’t give the rose to Vienna.”
And then Jake gives the rose to Vienna. She begins to cry. Kasey fumes at her side. Gia’s lip begins to tremble. Five guys and the boom mic dude run to get her a tissue. Jake requests a private audience with the power couple.
Jake: “I never thought I’d give you another rose in my life. I’m sorry that I raised my voice to you that day. I didn’t mean it. I was losing you and I wasn’t ready to accept that. I’m sorry. I just want you to be happy.”
Vienna: “I am happy.”
With that, she and Kasey leave Jake to bask in the 400 pound weight that has been lifted off of his shoulders.
Jake: “I am so relieved. I’ve wanted to say that for a year and I did. She has forgiven me.”
Cut to Vienna:
“It was torture. It made me sick. He’s a phony robot who makes my life miserable.”
Apparently misery makes Vienna horny because she immediately wrapped her arms around Kasey’s neck and whispered in his ear that she loved him and wanted to have his babies. Then they went and had relations in the secret lovers’ semi-private room with a creepy night vision camera. Thank goodness for the black modesty bar that covered Vienna’s boobs after she discarded her string bikini top and hopped in the sack with her guarder and protector. ABC…always keepin’ it classy.
It’s rose ceremony night and the producers give the contestants six hours to get really drunk and make poor decisions. Gia knows her name is in the mix to get kicked off STD Island, so she is campaigning hard for Kasey to include her in the core group. She convinces him with lies that all the boys are really on her team and uses her bikini modeling ways to get him to guard and protect her heart along with Vienna’s. Kasey knows his vixen will be ticked off, but it’s a deal he feels he must make.
In a rare moment of sanity, Blake has the bright idea to convince the girls to rally together and vote Kasey off the island since Vienna has the safety rose. Most are too wasted to understand his strategy.
In the end, Rated R was just plain annoying and was sent home. He grabbed Jake’s rose, said something forgettable and was whisked away in the rejection limo whining about how he never got to swim in the mansion pool. Poor Alli never received a rose either. I guess hot rejected men from the show prefer swimsuit models as their housemates. The crowd barely noticed as she left the glistening pavement.
Next week promises to be just as obscene and offensive as this week! Tears, condoms and bikinis…OH MY!
All about the shame, not the fame,