Bachelor Pad Recap: Lessons Learned from Season 3

It seems silly to write a recap today.  It’s been 11 years since our nation changed forever.  Every year, I try to treat 9/11 with respect.  I choose to reflect on the horrific events that happened that day and remember those who were affected by the destruction.  Then I choose to remember how lucky I am to live in this great country.  I choose to remember what a blessing it is that I can speak and write freely my thoughts and opinions.  And I’m humbled by the opportunity to give those struggling in their daily life, a chance to escape through my words.  God bless America.  And God bless you.

Bachelor Pad Recap:  Lessons Learned from Season 3

What started off as a panel of fresh faces, plastered on fake smiles and a colorful display of a few random fashion choices ended in running mascara, devilish smirks and enough f-bombs to merit one, long consistent beep from the FCC. Our Host Chris Harrison was the ringmaster and the contestants were mere players in his three ring circus.

That’s right, ladies and gentlemen — the third installment of the Bachelor Pad has taken its final bow and has crowned a new schmuck as its heartless winner.  Let’s take a moment to figure out lessons learned during this eight week adventure of debauchery, treachery and alcohol-induced frivolity.

Kalon
Season: Emily
We learned that Lindzi and Kalon are still going strong.  The moral of their story?  Clothes do not make the man.  But it certainly helps when you’re a luxury brand consultant.

Lindzi
Season: The Groban
Lindzi learned from Erica that she must “be very careful” because Kalon’s been seen around Houston with different girls, including his ex-girlfriend.  The moral of her story?  Don’t count your chickens before they are hatched.  Even if they are dressed in cashmere and have more product in their hair than you do.

Erica Rose
Season: The Prince
We learned Erica’s extensions have been removed (we assume she chewed them off herself) and discovered that she has a normal head of blonde hair.  The tiara (that is sooooooo season nine) has been replaced with a bejeweled hair clip.  The moral of her story?  Stop trying to make gavels happen. They are never going to happen.

Donna
Super Fan
We learned that Donna was mentally counting down the minutes until the after party.  The moral of her story?  One good turn [around the pole] deserves another.

Wonder Twins
Super Fans
Not only do the twins share a vote, they share a brain.  Moral of their story?  When you play dumb, next time play dumb to win.

Ryan
Season: DDAHnna
I still don’t remember him, therefore, I learned nothing.  The moral of his story?  Do not make much ado about nothing.  But at the very least, make ado about SOMETHING.

Jamie
Season: The Groban
Clearly we learned that Jamie used this “live” taping as an audition to be a member of the floor show in an upcoming tribute to Cher playing two weeks only at Mandalay Bay this fall. There’s no other explanation for her golden head thong, bedazzled eyes and ginormous silver dollar-inspired decoupage earrings.  The moral of her story?  Before you leave the house, look in the mirror and take off one accessory.  Or seven.

Chris
Season: Emily
We witnessed Chris perform some major back peddling and kissing up this episode. He makes a pretty annoying request when he kindly asks the contestants to refrain from giving him a hard time about Blakeley and Jamie because his family has already ripped him a new one. Jamie chose to ignore the request and publicly chastised him for being such a jerk on the show. No one heard what she was saying because they couldn’t take her seriously. Ed and Kalon were taking bets on if she was supposed to be an Indian Marsha Brady or a Turkish girl gone wild. Meanwhile, Chris begs his fellow contestants to NOT vote for him, but to instead vote for Sarah. Audible laughs and visible eye rolls were both seen and heard from the peanut gallery.  The moral of his story?  Two wrongs don’t make a right. That doesn’t mean you try a third time.

Sarah
Season: Brad – The Original Recipe
After realizing inevitable defeat, Sarah wisely learned to keep her mouth closed the entire finale and opted to sit and channel her inner Cyrus.  The moral of her story?  When life hands you lemons, add Vodka, put your hands up, nod your head like yeah and move your hips like yeah.

Paige
Super Fan
We learned that Paige was one of the few super fans with a voice last night when she scolded Chris for not even apologizing to Blakeley or Jamie for trading them in for a better model.  The moral of her story?  Lessons are not given.  They are taken.  Forget about Chris and go make out with Reid at the after party.

Reid
Season: Jillian
We learn that Reid would rather be anywhere else than in the plastic swivel chairs of this tricked out abandoned warehouse in the middle of East LA.  The moral of his story?  Martinis…they’re not just for breakfast anymore!  Live a little!

The Stag
Season: Jillian
We learn that Michael Stagliano might be a closet d-bag.  I found this highly disappointing.  Harrison asks the Stag if he and Rachel are still hot and heavy, to which Michael answers the question with a question: “Did I come on the ‘Bachelor Pad’ to find a wife? No. Did I like kissing Rachel? Yes. Is there a love connection? No. I just didn’t fall in love with her.”  The morale of his story? Unlike Rihanna, most women don’t love the way you lie.

Jaclyn
Season: The Groban
We learned that Jaclyn considered herself the puppet master of all the other contestants.  Not only was this totally rando, she also defended Rachel’s broken heart then immediately turned around and said that their friendship was on shaky ground before inevitably casting her vote in favor of Nick and Rachel to win the quarter of a million dollars.  The morale of her story?  Always take your meds.

Blakeley
Season: The Groban
After Blakeley is invited to the hot seat where she gushes about the wonder that is Tony, we learn that the bond between the waxer and Tony still holds strong. They awkwardly address the contestants, announcing that they are moving in together! Tony has cable in Portland! No comment on how his son (you remember him leaving Emily’s season because he missed his son so much, right?) feels about the new roommate situation.  Moral of her story:  May her coconuts never hang below her grass skirt.

Tony
Season: Emily
In other news, Neil Lane sold Tony one of his rejected rings from last season and Tony proposed on “live” television. Much like the Grinch’s heart, Blakeley’s boobs must have grown three sizes, because her unfortunate cut-out dress was having trouble wrangling the ladies. Everyone on the panel was crying (from laughter) they were so excited!  Congratulations you crazy kids!  Morale of their story:  Be delightfully tacky, yet unrefined. — Hooters

Ed
Season: Jillian
We learned that Ed looks very cute in a suit and is quite boring when not in possession of hard liquor.  Morale of his story? Someone get this guy a drink! And cheers to some of the best times you’ll never remember!

Rachel
Season: The Groban
Of course Rachel and Nick are voted as the final two contestants on the show. They must now be escorted to separate deliberation rooms and either choose a sign that says KEEP or one that says SHARE. If they both choose SHARE, they split the winnings. If they both choose KEEP, the losing contestants split the cash. If one chooses KEEP and one chooses SHARE, the person who chose KEEP gets to KEEP the money. Clear as mud?

Rachel chose to share the winnings. Once Nick started his five minute soliloquy, reminding Rachel how she always talked about being “stuck” with him as a partner and her constant whining about missing Stag. He wagged his finger at the panel for not giving him props for making it this far. We pretty much knew that Rachel was going to get burned not once, but twice during this finale. Sure enough, Nick reveals that he’s keeping the money. Rachel sobs and then peppers him with f-bombs backstage.  The moral of the story?  Tomorrow is a new day without any mistakes!  Of course, there’s no money either, but that’s neither here nor there.

SWAT
Super Fan
We learn that super fan SWAT has a man crush on Nick for taking the money and running.  Moral of his story?  Rah, rah, rah, ah, ah – want your bad bromance.

Nick
Season: Ashley
Did I feel sorry for Rachel? Sure! She got dumped on national television and then lost $250,000 to a guy that flew under the radar and barely spoke 10 sentences the entire season. Do I understand why Nick felt the need to keep the money? Sure! He had very valid reasons for not having any emotional connection to Rachel and reminded everyone that this is indeed a game above all other things. he made perfect sense when he reminded everyone that they never said in their interviews that they couldn’t wait to win $125,000. They ALL said a quarter of a million. TOUCHE! He’ll be labeled a villain. But as he said, “I’m a schmuck with $250,000.” I think he’ll be okay. Morale of his story?  Never underestimate the power of a protein shake.  Or an extremely pissed of woman.

Well that’s it for this season of the Bachelor Pad!  We’ll start up again with both the Bachelor and Bachelorette soon. Fingers crossed that En Fuego Roberto is the lucky suitor!  In the meantime, check back often for random musings surrounding important topics such as pop culture and movie/TV/music entertainment.  I’ll do my best to provide you a bit of a rest from your busy work day.

As always, I’m all about the shame…not the fame,

Lincee

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