Bachelor Pad Recap: MOTORIN’ !!!
Ah the ’80s. It was a time when grown adults wore skin-tight acid washed jeans, shredded at the knee. We sprayed at least half a can of Aqua Net on our permed bangs to reach maximum height for head banging. The gloves were both fingerless and lace while the t-shirts were dayglow. Mike Fleiss spent roughly 90 minutes of last night’s episode paying homage to the greatest decade ever. Sadly, other than Blakeley, the remaining contestants weren’t even alive during the ’80s to truly appreciate the moment. But that didn’t stop them from attempting to be totally awesome to the max. Too bad they all gagged me with a spoon instead. Welcome to week seven of Bachelor Pad!
There were four couples left and Our Host Chris Harrison was no longer playing around. He arrived at the mansion in a fisherman’s shirt. Luckily, it was a perfect match to the crystal blue of his eyes and he was immediately forgiven for his random wardrobe choice. He led the contestants out to the swimming pool area where swings were dangling from a rod above the deep end. The game was simple: answer a trivia question correctly. If you didn’t, your partner would have one of four strings cut from his/her swing. Once all four strings were cut, they had to hold on to a bar for as long as they could before they fell in the water below. The last to fall did NOT get a rose on behalf of their couple, but DID get to kick someone off at that moment. [cue dramatic music.] Rachel claimed that she didn’t know anything about The Bachelor franchise history, so she took her seat with the rest of the boys high above the deep end.
Apparently Blakeley was too busy waxing and Hooter-ing to tune in to seasons other than her own, and before you knew it, Tony was hanging by the bar barely holding on. Nick was just as clueless and Rachel was taking the plunge soon after. Ed quickly followed suit and we learn Sarah watched too much television since Chris sat chill and dry the entire competition. Naturally, it took the dynamic duo approximately 20 seconds to decide that Blakeley and Tony would be the unlucky couple to take that rejection limo ride home, but not before Chris lectured each of the remaining contestants on how two-faced and awful they all were for not having his back. Tony followed a devastated Blakeley into her rejection limo and vowed to love, cherish and honor her as long as she’ll have him. She looked bored.
Jaclyn felt that the house had been under a lot of pressure and they deserved some sort of reward for being the final six remaining in the competition. Instead, Harrison decided to put on the ugliest blazer (I’m quite confident he must have lost a bet) and instructed the contestants to get pumped because they were about to sing in front of a live audience.
Harrison: “Not only are you going to perform in front of thousands of people, you’re going to sing one of the greatest rock anthems of all time!”
Sweet! Bon Jovi’s “Dead or Alive!” I can’t wait!
Instead, a familiar piano intro filled the arena and a bunch of old guys started singing “Sister Christian.” Not only did they sound like Night Ranger, they were Night Ranger. With a little Botox.
They built, and built, and build the melody leading up to the famous crescendo that we all know and love…and not one person yelled, “MOTORIN” like the rest of us did. This show makes me sad.
Each couple was given a vocal coach to try and relieve all six from extreme cases of tone deafness. All were abominably bad. So much so, that ABC decided to feature this embarrassing portion of the show for roughly 30 minutes. I spent most of the segment hiding behind my couch cushion trying to make the bad noises go away while my neighbor’s dog howled in confusion.
Rachel and Nick actually thought about the lyrics enough to Google their meaning and learned that this is a story about a brother and sister. Their performance, albeit inaudible, actually had choreography, audience reaction and appropriate gyration that didn’t make the viewer feel oogy. Ed and Jaclyn were the exact opposite. When Jaclyn botched the opening lyrics, she asked the band to start over, which they did not. I stood up and clapped at that part of the show. Instead of winging it, they decided to simulate sex on the stage by dry humping anything standing still, including the microphone stand. Chris and Sarah were hardly better. He tried to get by using his pectoral muscles while she flapped around the stage in unforgiving turquoise pants. In the end, Night Ranger chose Nick and Rachel as the least offensive of the show, securing them the safety rose.
Money for Nothing
With the safety rose came the power to choose who got to go with them to the final round to win $250,000. Nick immediately dragged Rachel off to convince her that Sarah and Chris had to get the vote, because everyone hated them and they had a better chance of winning if they are on stage with them at the end. However, Rachel bawled over the fact that she had an alliance with Jaclyn and she was supposed to take her to the end. Nick simply asked if she was there for friendship or money. She hemmed and hawed as he pulled her out to the driveway to “get this over with” before announcing that Ed and Jaclyn would be going home.
All the girls began to ugly cry. Jaclyn sobbed into her hands as Ed just stood there. Rachel cried because she betrayed her best friend. And Sarah cried because she’s in the finals. The boys all high-fived each other before Ed sauntered into his limo as Jaclyn got into hers and cursed Rachel so much that it was one long beeeeeeeep in editing. Rachel regretted her decision and Jaclyn proclaimed that she was dead to her. Meanwhile, Nick, Chris and Sarah were toasting their great fortune in the sunken living room.
The finale is next week! Who do you think will win? Will Blakeley and Tony still be together? What about Kalon and Lindzi? Can Ed and Jaclyn convince others to not vote for Rachel and Nick? According to teasers, the Stag might be cheating on Rachel. SAY IT AIN’T SO!! What do y’all think? Sound off in the comment section!