Bachelor Pad Recap: Rise of the Super Fan

Only Chris Harrison can get away with saying, “Hop into your nut sack” with both a huge smile and twinkle in his eye on national television. With an episode that included that classy line, a drunken pool party and sounds from Ed and Jaclyn in a bunk bed that are typically heard on River Monsters or Meerkat Manor, I’m uncertain how ABC managed to bypass the “viewer discretion” warning at the beginning of the debauchery. It was awkward, disgusting and conducive to more than one or two or seven eye rolls during the sweet, sweet request of mercy from the madness.

Welcome to week three of Bachelor Pad.

Lindzi
Season: The Groban
Although Lindzi continues to fly low on the radar, I can’t help but continue to be appalled by her attraction to Kalon and his luxury consultant ways. And the girl must be suffering from low blood sugar because every time they showed her, she was asleep on a couch, bunk bed or wicker outdoor furniture on the mansion porch with Kalon wedged into a comfortable spooning position. I can’t help but being a little disappointed.

Blakeley
Season: The Groban

In case you forgot, Blakeley needs the prize money to further her waxing career. She will stop at nothing to secure the cash and that includes bossing Lord Douche Chris around while whispering vicious threats in the form of sweet nothings in the ear of Super Fan David. You can imagine her irritation when David, who won the group challenge (again) wavered when deciding which prom date should be crowned queen at the “Enchantment Under the Sea” dance. Erica Rose? Insecure Jamie? Boobs McGee? Marty McFly’s Mom? He was unfazed when Blakeley threatened to remove his favorite appendage if he dare give the rose to anyone but her and took great pride in handing it over to Jamie. With her head now on the chopping block, Blakeley vowed to DESTROY Super Dave at the next rose ceremony.

Sarah
Season: Brad – The Original Recipe

Sarah is the official Informer of the season. She likes to dig up dirt from one alliance and tease that information to the other alliance. She claimed Reid as a saboteur to a shocked (read: hungover) Ed who couldn’t believe that his friend was secretly betraying him by starting an underdog alliance among the super fans and contestants whom no one really cares about. Like Ed and his screwdrivers, Sarah was drunk with power that she held the swing vote to decide which guy would get voted off the island…Ed or Reid.

Jamie
Season: The Groban

Everyone knows that the easiest way to clarify physical dominance among the group is to make all of our eager contestants wade through a vat of ice cream, slide down a ramp entirely soaked with hot fudge, crab crawl through a cloud of whipped cream and sprinkle nuts on your head before slithering into a sack and hopping to your partner. All in your string bikini of course. Jamie was a severe Hot Sludge Fundae competitor and took on each obstacle with ease, giving her partner Ed a huge lead. Unfortunately, Ed’s inability to walk a straight line and ringing ears due to his massive hangover prevented him from commanding the evil fudge wall. He was forced to submit to the slippery beast and didn’t even finish the race, therefore securing a vote against him and Jamie at the next rose ceremony. Luckily, Jamie was invited on the group date with winner Super Dave and secured a safety rose by crying to him that she never got to go to her own prom back in the day.

Erica Rose
Season: The Prince

Although she wore an actual tiara, she did not secure the title of “Can’t Fight the Moonlight” Prom Queen. She did choose to wear something that closely resembled the fluffier part of an ostrich, but was otherwise uncharacteristically quiet this episode. It was refreshing.

Jaclyn
Season: The Groban

Jaclyn is Ed’s partner in more ways than one. After hoisting herself onto his back and showing off her dexterity by opening a door with nothing but her left foot, she accompanied Ed into a bottom bunk and joined him in making every person watching and living the moment extremely embarrassed by the awkward noises that issues forth from behind a strategically placed hanging bed sheet. It was a combination of female Olympic weight lifting grunts and high pitched shrieking from any show on Animal Planet. To make matters worse, Ed asks, “What’s your name again?” Thankfully Jaclyn is too wasted during the pre-rose ceremony shenanigans to remember that mild display of inappropriate behavior and opts to cry uncontrollably when Reid suggests they become partners when Ed is inevitably voted off that night. It was the definition of HOT MESS.

Rachel
Season: The Groban

Rachel is on the fence for me. I can’t decide if I like her or not. I think the fact that she’s cozying up next to the Stag makes me bristle. Since Rachel was Super Dave’s competition winning partner, she also got to choose three guys to accompany her on a date to the wax museum. She picked Mute Nick, Single Dad Tony and of course, the Stag.

They came to an area labeled “The Bachelor Experience” and were surprised to see a wax Harrison standing at a rose ceremony. After a few seconds, we learned wax Harrison is REAL Harrison who magnificently was able to pull off looking suave even when covered in latex spray paint. The group joined in the fun by waxing up, standing motionless in the room while an actor posing as a photographer tricked innocent strangers into talking smack about them. Later, Rachel was quick to give Stag the rose, booting Pathetic Tony and Mute Nick to the limo before finding a nice bench behind the “Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid” exhibit. They confessed they are both crushing on each other and made out as fake Robert Redford looked on.

Donna
Super Fan

Even Donna’s boobs were mysteriously absent for most of the episode. And there was a drunken party y’all. She must have been making a wardrobe bikini change when the cameras swept through that half hour. Just as I begin to forget both her name, her bra size and what her face looks like, she whines to the camera that it’s “soooooo unfair” that she hasn’t made out with anyone in The Pad yet. Enter Mute Nick. He takes care of that minor detail with one slip of the tongue.

Chris
Season: Emily

In yet another moment of sheer embarrassment, I listened behind the safety of my couch cushion as Jamie proclaimed her undying love for Chris of all people. Of course, the cameras follow her as she primps, disrobes and flutters off to woo Le Douche out of the top bunk for a little hanky panky. He answers with an affectionate “not now” and leaves the “A Knight To Remember” Prom Queen baffled in nothing but her beach towel before a very emotional “nobody loves me” montage.

Reid
Season: Jillian

I had high hopes for Reid and have been very disappointed that his entire existence is wrapped up in uncompromising, earnest bitterness toward Ed. Every time he opened his mouth, he was determined to sabotage the Drunk One and wanted nothing more than for his tight, green shorty shorts to be banished to a rejection limo. I don’t think Reid cared about winning. I think he cared about beating Ed. Too bad alcohol is thicker than both blood and water because his meddling left him without a rose.

Kalon
Season: Emily

Kalon somehow managed the other swing vote for the ladies and admitted to the camera that he reveled in the fact that he would get to choose the fate of those around him. It borderlined on maniacal and I hope that if Lindzi was still with this door knob when last night’s episode aired that she immediately wrote him a strongly worded text cutting all ties from his brand…luxury or not.

Nick
Season: Ashley

He didn’t speak one sentence and made out with Donna. I’m out.

Tony
Season: Emily

During the educational wax museum experience, we learned that everyone loves Stag, Rachel is pretty, Nick is forgettable and one woman wonders if there’s a “nicer word for pathetic” to describe Tony. Then they all came alive and the fans had that moment of awkwardness when they realized the feeble, inadequate, meek Tony has been standing there the entire time. I nearly died.

The Stag
Season: Jillian

The Stag came back strong after not being in the lead during the Hot Sludge Sundae obstacle course. Naturally, he attacked the field and tried to overcome David, but the Super Fan pulled a lucky win at the end. It was so close that the tapes had to be reviewed by official Bachelor Pad judges in an unmarked van down by the river. Stag further endeared himself to me when he gave props to the Super Fan and later convincingly danced around a wax figure of Justin Timberlake. He was safe again this week as Rachel awarded him the date rose and we all wonder why this guy isn’t vying to be the next Bachelor. Someone needs to make this happen.

Ed
Season: Jillian

Poor Ed never got the memo that this isn’t a Bachelor version of The Real World. He doesn’t understand why everyone is so mean and why all the back stabbing? Can’t we all just get naked in the pool and enjoy the lime-flavored Everclear Jell-O shots? Knowing that he’s either oblivious to his surrounding due to his alcohol-induced stupor or passed out, Stag’s alliance is willing to carry him as far as the final four, certain that he will neither have the mental faculties to play the game or care to learn the rules before they vote him off.

David
Super Fan

The evidence is right there. He truly is a fan.

In the end, Reid was voted off for being dishonest to his friends. Super Fan Donna was also voted off. She claims the house is going to be sorry that they didn’t get to see her in her bikini any more.

I’m going to scrub my brain now.

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