Bachelor Pad Recap: Speedos + Brett Michaels = JENIUS

So there I was at 7:45 a.m., visiting with the awesome morning show team of Nate and Murphy on Y101.7 – Jackson, Mississippi’s hit music station, and I’m overcome with anxiety as the interview rushes on because all I can think about is:

– Can I use the word “package” when referring to Jake’s junk on this radio station?
– Will Nate and Murphy think I’m tacky because I use the word “package”? I just met them.
– Why does my East Texas accent get so twangy when I’m nervous?
– What would Brett Michaels do?

Before I knew it, my two minutes had turned into a commercial break and another two minutes and the segment was over. For those of you in Jackson who heard, send me an email and let me know if I was a complete country mess talking 90 miles per hour. And for the sweet reader who called in and told the guys they needed to invite me on the show, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. You rock. Just like Brett Michaels. Thanks to Nate and Murphy for inviting me to be on your show. I had a blast and look forward to next week!

With that said, let’s put on our floral covered swim caps and dive into the recap!

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you poked on Facebook happens to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the nephew/former classmate of someone who is obsessed with the Hunger Games trilogy and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

The last we left our happy brood, all the men wore sincere smiles as the women dabbed the corner of their eyes, rejoicing with Ames as he lumbered down the glistening asphalt to join his beloved Jackie in the rejection limo. Sadly, there was no mention of this romantic gesture in the opening moments of last night’s show. I understand that they have already broken up probably five seconds after they kissed in the back seat, but shouldn’t there be some sort of dialog about the purest, sweetest moment in Bachelor history from one of the most memorable red pant wearing Bachelors?

Of course not. In Mike Fleiss’ world, the humble farm boy softly speaking, “As you wish” is followed by a swift kick in the gut and a triumphant “PSYCH!” Everyone puts Baby in a corner and then points and laughs at her. Edward goes back to making cut throat deals and Vivian remains a prostitute while Bridget gains another 10 pounds and drowns her sorrows in Vodka and an Evanescence mixed tape, destined to become a spinster forever.

We begin the episode with Melissa pulling out her freak flag so she can start waving it like a mad woman as Blake cautiously and wisely takes cover over by the six-foot long bar that is loaded down with various bottles of hard liquor three rows deep.

Blake: “Can I talk to you?”
Melissa: “Why don’t you start with ‘I’m sorry I played you for a fool.’ BE A MAN.”

Blake would rather perform a root canal on himself than stand there listening to Melissa loudly stage whisper about how he and Holly are inseparable. She reminds him that all the girls in the house are on her side and then rushes off to confront Holly. Blake knows that he’s chosen unwisely when it comes to his alliance with Hurricane Melissa.

Our Host Chris Harrison bounds down the steps of the sunken living room looking fabulous in a green Henley and plaid pearl snap. Graham and his abs pass by and Harrison slaps him on his back shouting, “Good to see you.”

Graham will undoubtedly go home with Harrison’s cell phone digits. Clearly, he is the winner of this silly competition.

Harrison herds everyone out to the pool where a group of young ladies are synchronized swimming. He explains that the boys will be competing against the girls as a group in their own routine.

Stag: “Any of you ladies single?”
OHCH: “Who doesn’t love synchronized swimming?”
Stag: “Well I don’t know anyone who doesn’t.”

I beg ABC to put these two together as color commentators when Ashley and JP get married during sweeps next year. It would be epic, right?

Vienna and Melissa are super stoked to kill this challenge because they were totally cheerleaders in high school. We learn that Jake feels he will do well in this challenge because of his mental durability, physical strength and problem solving skills. He’s also pretty good with choreography because he was on Dancing with the Stars.

Princess Erica says the closest things she’s ever done to synchronized swimming is laying out by the pool. She also thinks Jake will do well because out of all the guys left in the competition, he has the biggest package. Then the viewing audience is treated to an up close and personal shot of his junk. In a Speedo. With an underwater camera. From several different angles.

Sometimes, there are no words.

The Stag quickly took control and ran the boys through the routine as the girls flailed about in the shallow end. Soon it was time to perform and for some reason, the girls came out in skimpy string bikinis with plastic flowers glued on to their hoo hah parts and boobs. The ensemble was pulled together garishly by old timely swimming caps decorated with the same flora as their nether regions.

Can this get any better?

Why yes! It’s Crazy Dave and Natalie…season one winners of the Bachelor Pad…who will be judging our competitors along with legitimate Olympic synchronized swimming gold medalist Karen! 5-6-7-8!

Erica used her natural flotation devices to remain above water as she bounced around to the beat of her own drum. Holly and Michelle decided to make out at the end in order to score some points from Crazy Dave. All in all, it was a hot mess.

The guys on the other hand, rocked the socks off that number! Toes were pointed. Fingers were in perfect jazz hands. Abs were glistening. And it ended with an impressive assisted leap and wave to the judges from The Stag.

Naturally, our Olympian chose Stag as the winner. Michelle won for the girls because she was the most poised in the water. Naturally, Vienna feels cheated and Jake feels the rise of the guillotine above his neck. What better way to keep fighting in this battle than to begin picking off the weaker gazelles? Ones that wear tiaras and red panties and slide their foot up and down your thigh as you try to have a “strategical” conversation with them?

Jake: “Kasey and Vienna have to go. The power couples need to be broken up. The bottom tier needs a hero. A hero until the end of the night. He’s gotta be strong. He’s gotta be fast. He’s gotta be fresh from the fight. Now who does that remind you of?”

Raise your hand if you miss Roberto.

Kasey is not a happy King because his Queen is being too nice to her ex-fiancé. He decides to pick a fight with her because she is messing up everything he’s been guarding and protecting for her.

Vienna tearfully shouts, “You swore that you would protect me. No one wants him out of here more than me. I’m just trying to be nice and cordial.”

Kasey: “Do you want another public breakup on TV? Are you trying to get a sympathy vote from America because you looked like a b*tch last time? I get that he physically and mentally abused you. That was a year ago. GET OVER IT.”

Vienna really turns on the water works but Kasey is having none of it. They huddle up in the laundry room.

Kasey: “Do you know what I’m going through? I’ve BEEEEEEPING protected your BEEEEP and now I’m BEEEEEEPING nasty…you’ve messed it up. You’ve ruined so much. It’s getting to me and to you. You need to put on a pretend face and make everyone think we had a misunderstanding and stop acting crazy.”

Takes one to know one Jenius.

The date card pedestal arrives and Michelle chooses Kasey, Blake and a man she calls “Grom” to join her in a vineyard. The two things to know about this date are:

1. Michelle told Blake that he needs to fix whatever he broke in Michelle because the house can’t handle much more crazy. If he doesn’t, he’s out.

2. Michelle thinks Grom is hot. In a moment of bitter honesty that is forbidden rarely seen on this show, Michelle tells Grom that she thinks he’s the greatest thing since sliced bread. He answers, “You barely know me.” I high fived myself at that point and decided that Grom and his abs would be my runner up pick to win the whole thing behind Stag. Grom later seals his immunity with Michelle saliva from his tongue. To no one’s surprise, Michelle gives Grom the date rose, keeping him safe from elimination.

Stag’s date card arrives and he naturally asks Holly to join him, along with Vienna and Ella because they have not been privileged or lucky enough to leave the house yet. He piles them all in a limo and insists that there will be no “strategical” talk…only fun.

The limo drops them off by some horses. Due to the length of Holly’s non-existent shorts, I’m going to assume chaffing resulted in her ride. Always thinking safety first, the intern hands out helmets. Everyone is okay with this, apart from Vienna.

Her helmet is dorky. She complains about the smog obstructing her view of the city. I’m annoyed. She is sweating. She is hot. When they finally reach their destination, Stag can’t wait to ditch the others and spend a glorious afternoon with Holly so they can once again talk about their ghost of a relationship.

Holly: “You’ve been getting a little friendly with me. What does that mean?”
Stag: “I miss you. It has been so good to be around you.”

Holly: “I feel like you are my home. It’s weird. I want to touch and go back to the way we were.”

Stag tells her that every time he sees her, she looks so beautiful. Holly tells the camera that deep down, she knows they are not supposed to be together because relationships shouldn’t be this hard. Sounds like SOMEONE is confused about her feelings and needs a counseling session. Did the ABC intern fetch Dr. Phil? Dr. Drew? Dr. Jaime?

Heavens no. Clearly this is a job for Brett Michaels.

There is so much therapy that can be acquired just by listening to the lyrics of Every Rose Has It’s Thorn being strummed acoustically on a guitar with a hair band lead singer from the 80s wearing tattered jeans, guy liner and a do rag on his head.

Holly: “Brett Michaels’ serenade totally spoke to me today. That song is actually about a break up, not a rose. When the second verse came, Michael squeezed my hand. I mean, we have thorns in our relationship. But the longer we are around each other, the more we want to be around each other. It’s kind of like every cowboy singing a sad, sad song you know?”

Will the Stag and Holly get back together? Perhaps they should bring in Nelson next week because Only Time Will Tell.

I’m here every week folks.

Back at the mansion, Jake is campaigning to the second tier folks. If they work together, they can vote Kasey off STD Island. Erica decides that Jake is both physically and mentally capable to carry her as the next power couple and makes out with him with collagen injected lips.

I’ll spare you the details. You are welcome.

As everyone puts on their evening swimwear and pours another gin and tonic in their red plastic Solo cups, Kasey is frantic to make sure Vienna knows that he will guard and protect her heart. A few forearm beats of the tat and he is ready to recite the soliloquy he’s been practicing all afternoon long.

Kasey: “I know it’s been hard on you to be here. And it’s hard on me to see you hurt. I just want you to know that we are a strong couple and I will make sure you are always safe and protected. To prove it, I got you a gift.”

He pulls out a tiny black velvet box.

Vienna: “I DON’T WANT AN ENGAGEMENT RING!”
Kasey: “Why would you even say that? You’re ruining this moment. I got you a promise ring for our six month anniversary.”

Vienna says something to him in baby talk. I’m not fluent in that language, so I have to assume it was some sort of acceptance of the delicate band due to the fact that he slips it on her left-hand middle finger. It will be a nice touch when she flips off Jake later.

Clearly by this gesture, Kasey’s love for Vienna is strong. Taking a cue from Brett Michaels, he chooses to sing about it.

Picture it:
My girls and I are sitting, watching, listening, unable to move. The sounds that were issues forth from Kasey’s diaphragm were not of this world. I slowly begin to rock back and forth. Surely it will stop soon. Right? Ann softly whispers, “Noooooooo” in a slow moaning voice over and over, her hands covering her eyes. Another 10 seconds. Carrie keeps repeating, “I don’t understand. I don’t understand. I DON’T UNDERSTAND.” Why Chris Harrison? Why? Emily has resorted to shoving her fingers in her ears and is speaking in tongues. Surely my upstairs neighbors will assume I have captured and am torturing a meerkat or something. I worry as I rock. And then I notice Keri at the end of my couch. Has this sound damaged her brain? She says nothing. She only stares with wide eyes at what has been unfolding for the last 30 SECONDS in front of her. What? There’s a second verse to this original tune? MAKE IT STOP!

Side note: The DVR is the best invention ever. Period.

Erica has decided that Melissa’s ability to constantly board the train to Crazy Town is the best way for her to remain safe at the next rose ceremony. She spies Jake and Melissa hot tubbing together and immediately reports to the kitchen where Vienna and Ella are making dinner.

Erica: “It’s so weird. Melissa and Jake have been talking forever. I wonder why? They should have nothing to talk about.”

Planting the seed that Jake is trying to bring Melissa over to his side, Vienna takes her rage out on an innocent clove of garlic which is pounded to death by the end of a rather large butcher knife. Word gets out that Melissa is not to be trusted and is obviously a loose cannon. She blows up in front of Erica, cries to the other girls and storms upstairs to pack all of her belongings because honest people shouldn’t be playing this awful game.

Holding out for a hero, Melissa finds comfort in Jake who convinces her to stay because together, they can bring down Kasey and Vienna. It’s all about the money. Not Blake. Not relationships. Not friendships.

Because he hugged her and said she was pretty, Melissa is on Team Jake. She leaves the bathroom refreshed, full of pills and happy as a clam. To the booze counter!

Our Host arrives and the entire house cheers for him. And by house, I mean my own.

He decides to shake things up a bit. Since last week, only girls were voted off, this week the girls are safe and everyone must vote for ONE guy to walk the plank.

You may now commence back stabbing and campaigning.

With the news, Erica knows that Melissa is safe. She switches tactics and decides to make up with her so they can both vote off Kasey since their hero Jake is larger than life.

Melissa is ecstatic that someone is talking to her, so she quickly forgives Erica, agrees to be only “strategical” with Blake and will definitely vote Kasey off.

As Kasey toasts his fellow teammates, Michelle is the bright one that wonders if something could be up with the second tier contestants. Kasey sends out his spies and quickly learns that his head is on the chopping block. We have a mutiny on our hands! Young William/Kirk can point fingers to those willing to defy the wishes of Don Kasey.

Vienna discovers that Erica is not Team Jake and gives her a piece of her mind. Jake takes Kasey into the courtyard and wishes him luck. Kasey shakes his hand and then calls him a douche off camera. He wants to punch him in the face on behalf of America.

Yeah? Well America, as well as Canada I imagine, wanted your song to end after about four notes. Look how that turned out.

Harrison calls the gang out to the driveway for the rose ceremony. It came down to Jake and Kasey in the closest voting EVER in Bachelor history. In fact, it was soooo dramatic, that Harrison read Kasey’s name and the screen suddenly went black. We didn’t even get to witness Jake take his rejection walk to the limo or see Vienna give him the promise ring bird.

That’s life. That’s the Bachelor Pad.

All about the shame, not the fame,

Lincee

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