Bachelor Pad Recap: The Case of Aggravated Assault on an Innocent Yogurt Container

So there I was again. It’s 7:45 a.m. and I’m totally chilling with Nate and Murphy on Y101.7 — Jackson, Mississippi’s hit music station. Just like last week, I can feel my heart beating and my throat thickening because I’m so nervous to mention in my on-air recap what’s really on my mind:

– Can I talk about how Erica gave Blake a massage with her boobs?
– How can I convey the aggression that Melissa took out on that innocent yogurt container while feverishly stirring its contents without using facial expressions and hand gestures? This is RADIO.
– To quote my friend Todd, “Can you say that he needs to grow a pair on the radio?”

It ended up being fine. I talked 90-miles-per-hour and went all East Texas twang, but Nate and Murphy were delights and invited me back again next week. Thanks for the opportunity guys!

Before I get into the recap, I wanted to mention that for the first time in a very long time, my watching party invited a dude into our club last night. I figured if anything, Todd would welcome the opportunity to join a bunch of darling girls for a night of fun-filled frivolity. I may have promised that we watched in our pajamas to get him over there, but that’s neither here nor there. The point is that he came and I was able to enjoy the show while observing someone with a Y chromosome suffer through two hours of this mess. I was anxious to see what made Todd laugh uncontrollably, recoil with disgust and cringe in horror. It’s interesting to see the difference in what the male perspective picks up on and what leaves it indifferent.

Now! On with the recap! Everyone take a few extra squirts of Binaca, musk up and find a spot to sit in the tree because this episode is all about k-i-s-s-i-n-g!

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you poked on Facebook happens to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the nephew/former classmate of someone who is obsessed with the Hunger Games trilogy and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

As you recall, last week ended with Our Host Chris Harrison calling Kasey’s name and then cut dramatically to a black screen. We were all left to believe that something huge was going down this week because of all the secrecy. Did someone vote randomly, leaving Kasey and Jake in a tie? Was Harrison going to fake us out and announce Kasey as the loser who would be going home? All would be revealed in the opening montage.

Which was nothing more than Jake being asked to take a rejection walk after he took a pitiful moment to say goodbye.

Wait! Didn’t Kasey say that he wanted to punch him in his throat? Or kick rocks at him? Or tie him down and make him watch his tattoo heart beat to the rhythm as he sang “On the Wings of Love” from Jake’s season? That MUST be it!

Instead, Jake apologizes to Vienna again and tells Kasey that it was amazing to meet him. Needless to say, I was extremely disappointed. Kasey rambled on about being the “strongest strategist.” I learned all this through sub-titles that ABC has thankfully started placing under his mug when he talks. That should be helpful when we are forced to sit through future monologues.

Our Host greets the contestants the next morning in a soft purple shirt and well-worn jeans. Knowing that real men wear lavender, he walks in with that Harrison confidence and a gleam in his eye that something exciting is about to go down.

OHCH: “I hope you all brushed this morning. Back by popular demand, we are having a Bachelor Pad kissing contest this morning.”

I decided to not dwell on the appalling possibility that some of these characters had not brushed yet and focused more on the rules, which were pretty simple. Boys are blind folded and are kissed by each girl and vice versa. Everyone votes. Best kiss wins.

Immediately, Michelle Money pulls herself out of the competition because she has a six-year-old daughter and needs to set a better example than the time she straddled Brad 2.0 in a chair and dry humped him for all the world to see a year ago. Others had different viewpoints:

Ella: “I’ll do WHATEVER it takes to get my son the money we need for a new house. Give me that chapstick.”

Kasey: “My girlfriend is not going to be cool with me making out with other girls.”

Vienna: “This is the most disgusting challenge we’ve ever had to do.”

Blake: “Someone need a tonsillectomy? The doctor is in.”

I think everyone, including Todd, verbally groaned at the TV with Blake’s chachtastic one-liner. With Jake gone, he’s definitely campaigning hard for resident douche bag on the show. Congratulations buddy! You’re well on your way!

Holly is up first up and all the boys are giving her little pecks because they respect Stag.

Holly: “All the guys kissed like grandmas. And then comes number five!”
Stag: “He just laid it on her. There was tongue, head movement, swag, motion of the ocean…my own personal nightmare.”

You guessed it. Blake claims to have mad skills and takes great pride in showcasing them to Holly.

Melissa is so proud that her partner in crime is the best kisser among the boys. Ella claims that that kiss was a baby making kiss. Todd uttered his first “Good Lord” of the night.

The guys and girls switch and Ella decides to school everyone participating and watching on how to execute the perfect kiss. Todd uttered his first, “she’s the most attractive” of the night. Ella’s explanation goes on for what feels like 30 minutes.

Ella: “The secret is to start with a little bit of pressure and then you pull back…”

Vienna threatened the boys within an inch of their lives that if anyone decided to stick their tongue down her throat, she would sick her boyfriend on them. Holly’s kiss enticed the Stag to ask Harrison if number two could go again.

Ella continues: “…and then you go back in and suck the bottom lip…”

Erica sucked the faces off all the men and was the first to discover and announce to the world that Don Kasey has bad breath. All the other girls confirmed the halitosis. My fellow girls squealed with delight. Todd let out a stoic, “Duuuuude.”

Exactly. You know there’s a supply closet full of Germ Squirt, condoms and Binaca somewhere in that mansion. USE IT.

Professor Ella: “…and then you pull back and use a little bit of tongue before…”

Harrison said that Ella won with an overwhelming majority before announcing that Blake was a lucky winner too. Each received immunity roses and the promise that a date card would be arriving later to whisk them and another lucky housemate off to a romantic destination. When the date card pedestal arrives, Ella discovers that “her future is up in the air.” She asks her immunity partner Kirk if he would join her and he accepts.

They exit the front door to find a bright, shiny red sports car waiting for them in the driveway. Ella hops in, revs the engine and speeds off with her partner by her side in jeans, an un-tucked shirt and tie under a sweater Mr. Rogers would be very proud to wear.

William: “If I had known that was part of the date, I would have tried a little harder in the kissing contest and been the biggest man whore you’ve ever seen. Kirk is so lucky.”
Lincee: “I thought you were Kirk?”

Ella and KirkWilliam dine on pizza and wine while trying to one up each other with their sad stories. Kirk dives into his moldly past and Ella trumps him with “my mother was shot by my step-father in front of me and my little sister.”

Touché.

They ride in a tethered hot air balloon in the back yard and kiss under the glow of the burner flame which was undoubtedly pulled by the hot air balloon conductor crouched down in the basket next to the ABC intern holding the opened bottle of champagne and Ella’s chapstick. Let the record show that she is feeling sparks for KirkWilliam and KirkWilliam is just playing the game with Ella, Ella, Ella, hey, hey, hey.

Back at the mansion, Melissa is super stoked that her partner has an immunity rose and a free pass to a romantic one-on-one date. Confusing “partner” for “fiancé,” Melissa interrupts his breakfast and drags him away to the outdoor wicker furniture to talk about how they are totally going to win this competition and live happily ever after. Forever. She goes on and on about how proud she is of him and begins showing him swatch samples for her bridesmaid dresses. I thought it was funny that Blake found his bowl of soggy Captain Crunch more interesting than this nut job across the outdoor sofa from him and was amazed how he skillfully tuned her out.

Melissa: “Tonight is going to be so much fun. I can’t wait to be alone with you.”
Blake: “Let’s not get ahead of ourselves.”

Melissa: “Wait, what? What do you mean?”
Blake: “I mean I haven’t decided…”

Melissa: “O…M….G….YOU HAVE TO SAVE YOUR PARTNER BLAKE.”

Blake flashes her that winning grin and just sits there with milk running down his chin. He admits that he’s thinking about taking Holly on the date because he liked kissing her and wants to pursue something rather than be weighted down by the ticking time bomb who just stormed off in search of a container of yogurt.

Enter Erica. In a string bikini.

Now that her partner Jake is back to building gazebos in Denton right about now, Erica decides that Blake is her best choice for a new ally. Together, they can gently aggravate the smoldering volcano that is Mt. Melissa until she explodes and there is no turning back.

It’s pretty smart if you ask me. And Blake is pretty smart. I’m sure if she used her conniving ways and just had an adult conversation with Blake, he would see her logic. Instead, she uses her boobs to give him a sultry massage as she works her lethargic, gin soaked, pill popping mojo on him in the outdoor cabana.

The girls screamed in loathing at what was unfolding before our eyes. Todd laughed hysterically. I think he choked on a Beaver Nugget (Todd’s bold yet highly appropriate choice of watching party snacks…Google it) when she encouraged Blake to visualize himself winning the Bachelor Pad with her instead of Melissa. As she continues to slither all on his back and arms, she softly reminds him that Melissa hopes things will work out with them romantically and oh yes, she’s definitely Mayor of Crazy Town.

Blake: “You make very compelling arguments.”
Lincee: “So do her boobs.”

Grom, in his ghetto gangster sweat suit, answers the door when the date card pedestal arrives. He announces that “love is a slippery slope” as Melissa squeals with glee that they could be going sailing!

Blake manages to not roll his eyes, and begins his practiced soliloquy:

“Most of you know that I have not played this game as linearly as the rest of you have. With that said, I’m going to ask Holly to go on the date with me.”

In a matter of seconds, the girls in my watching party shout at the TV, the upstairs neighbor bangs on the ceiling, Todd says, “good call man”, Holly looks up with a shocked face, Stag’s heart sinks and Melissa channels her inner demon and spits out a gigantic rant of explicatives that sounds like a long BEEEEEEP, concluding with the ever popular retort, “YOU PINKY SWORE TO ME!”

Melissa flees the sunken living room with Michelle Money hot on her heels. She coaxes her out of the bathroom long enough for Melissa to call Holly a TRAMP and demand that someone goes downstairs to stick up for her.

Michelle to the camera: “You know how some people wear their emotions on their sleeve? Well Melissa wears them on every article of clothing she owns. Including her hair scrunchie. And her panties.”

Note to self.

Blake asks Melissa for two minutes of her time. She calls him…HIM…a psychopath and vows to ruin his reputation.

The following moments are a bit strange. It appears the ABC camera man is lumbering up and down stairs and around corners as if reenacting the inner beast that has been awakened inside Melissa. Through this rumbling, tumbling, Blair Witch footage, Melissa is filmed frantically searching the mansion for anyone who will give her 45 minutes of their time so she can spell out the evils of Dr. Blake. The footage is hilarious because everyone seems to be hiding from Melissa. But then she finds a forlorn Stag lying on the cabana bed, wondering why it’s so oily? Melissa viciously reminds Stag that Holly is not in an alliance with him and that she is trying to hook up with her man Blake.

Poor Stag humors Melissa for a few minutes by telling her that he wants to rip Blake’s face off. Satisfied, Melissa leaves and Stag is left with his true feelings. He is afraid that Holly will enjoy her date with Blake’s perfect teeth. He moans and draws a heart in the oil residue.

Melissa has moved on to Erica, Michelle Money and William who are all sitting like hostages on the couch. She paces in front of them, stir, stir, STIRRING the yogurt (45 times in fact) talking about how Blake is a snake and a player. He must be STOPPED!

Melissa: “And how do you stop a dictator? You eliminate his resources.”

That’s exactly what I took away from watching Mean Girls too Melissa! That and the fact that fetch will never happen.

Melissa decides to finally confront Blake. She finds him in the bathroom with his Sonicare buzzing away in his mouth. Through gritted teeth and a mouth full of toothpaste, he diplomatically tells her that he will be with her in another 40 seconds.

And then Melissa, and the rest of the world, waited for Blake to finish Sonicaring for his teeth. She stood in the door frame, seething. Only the whir of the electronic brush filled the dead air time. It was truly riveting television folks.

Blake and Holly finally leave for their date.

On one hand, we have Melissa who is about to throw down with anyone who comes in her way because of her passionate feelings for her beloved Blake. On the other, we have Stag who is slowly turning into a hermit because he refused to tell Holly how much he still loved her, even though Brett Michaels explained in great detail that every rose has its thorn. Regardless, all of the sharp objects have been confiscated from the livable areas of the mansion and the ABC Psychotherapist has been called in with both uppers and downers on stand-by.

While in the limo, Holly notices that they are going to an airport and is super stoked that Blake had the cojones to ask her out on a date. The appropriate flirting follows. They board a private plane and Holly shrieks with excitement.

Todd: “She has ridden in a plane before, right?”

My thoughts exactly. I begged them to hold hands across the aisle. They did.

Holly: “I’m just hoping we aren’t going skiing. I can’t ski. Or snow board. Or do anything in the snow.”

Because ABC has a tremendous sense of humor, the date is on top of a mountain resort. Where they will ski. And make snow angels. And throw snow balls at each other. And generally flirt and giggle all over the mountain like two kids in lust with each other. Good times.

Blake commends her for not hitting a tree. He loves the way she charged the mountain and laughed the whole time. He also like her “hundred millimeter baby legs.”

This just in: Stag isn’t over Holly.

In other news, Holly is upset because she hadn’t thought of Stag once on this super fun date with an attractive guy who just happened to have won a kissing contest earlier in the day.

This just in: We’ve just learned that Stag wants Holly back.

Back at the ski resort, Blake sidles up next to Holly with a fire crackling between them. He asked her about Stag and if they are an item. In a round about way, she dodges the question and thanks him again for inviting her to risk her life and limb on a mountain.

This just in: Holly is so irreplaceable in Stag’s eyes, he tells us twice that she’s irreplaceable.

Blake takes Holly’s non-answer as just that…a non-answer. He extends the rose to her and says that they can stay all night long if she wants. She decides that she doesn’t want to return to the house. Blake grins.

This just in: Stag announces that it’s a quarter ‘til two. KirkWilliam offers him a shot of whiskey as Grom throws a protective arm around his little buddy. They are all shirtless. Yes…I found that was very important to the story. Stop judging me.

Blake: “You told me earlier that you were surprised that you didn’t win the contest. I think I need to re-examine the evidence.”

This just in: I handed Todd a bucket so he could throw up in it. Also, it’s been over 24 hours since Stag has been away from Holly and he is about to crumble. The ABC intern has been told to go see if he still has a pair. He refused.

For the next 30 minutes of the show, Stag tells Holly that he missed her and that he’s falling in love with her again. He’s not scared to tell her that now. Holly confesses that she hooked up with minty fresh Blake and the Stag is devastated. For some reason, Holly decides to pour her heart out to Vienna who gets distracted by a shiny object and offers zero advice for the poor girl who can’t decide between a dill hole and an awesome break dancer.

ROSE CEREMONY
Harrison arrives, clinking his champagne glass, announcing that one guy and one girl will be going home tonight. Ella, Melissa and Erica are trying desperately to find another girl to vote off Kasey.

We learn through sub-titles that Kasey, however, claims to have a sneaky strategy that will get Bill voted off.

Bill? Who’s Bill?

Ah…KirkWilliam is Bill. Got it. I’m back people!

He goes up to Kirk and Ella, telling them that “the money is necessary for my grandma to live.”

Riiight. You’re talking to Mold Strong Kirk and Ella. Whatever dude. That sentence probably ends with: “…my grandma to live in a posh Floridian retirement village near the shore and my girlfriend’s new nose.”

This just in: Stag is STILL trying to win Holly over by taking her on a date in the driveway and covering her with a green felt blanket. He’s ready to fight with whatever he has to win her back.

All of a sudden, Melissa realizes that her head may be on the chopping block. She begins hunting down the men one by one, demanding that they tell her who they voted for.

KirkWilliam: “We’re all lying. Melissa comes up and asks who you vote for, you lie.”
Grom: “I hardly even speak to the girl and she drains the life out of me.”

Melissa storms into the sunken living room, looking at Michelle, Vienna, Kasey and KirkWilliam spouting, “NO ONE HAS TOLD ME WHAT IS GOING ON!”

You could cut the tension with a knife. One that that the ABC intern confiscated of course.

Kasey: “I had to lie to Melissa because she would cut my nuts off.”

Admit it. You thought that was a jenius line and laughed. And then you pondered that truth a little bit.

With absolutely zero drama, it was no surprise that Crazy Melissa and Bill/William were the ones sent home. It makes me a little concerned. With evil Jake gone and Melissa sporting an impressive ugly cry followed by a fit of dry heaving in the rejection limo, who will be the resident freak flag flyer of the group? We know Michelle has it in her and I hope that she unleashes her inner beast soon. She’s been pretty low key this entire season. Erica certainly has all the right ingredients. Her beast would definitely be tripped out. Crazy, sure, but a bit lethargic with a valley girl accent.

Like this:

Fortunately, we always Kasey and Vienna. And next week’s competition of the Newlywed Game looks very promising!

Until then, I’m all about the shame, not the fame,

Lincee

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