Bachelor Pad: Week 1 — Please pass the hand sanitizer

At one point during the premiere episode of ABC’s third installment of the Bachelor Pad, I wondered if we should all be tested for STDs just for watching this ridiculous filthy train wreck of a show. It was manipulation on steroids. It was back stabbing at its finest. I’m quite certain that parts of it were crawling with germs. Hop into your favorite Hazmat suit and join me as I break down the contestants.

Lindzi
Season: The Groban
Lindzi opted out of arriving at the mansion on horseback this go around. (That’s soooo last season.) She continued her low key strategy by flying below the radar most of night. Other than four male contestants professing their love and affection for her and Groban’s poor choice at the Home Depot proposal altar, we didn’t see much of Lindzi.

Blakeley
Season: The Groban
Formerly known as Jugs McGee, we learn that Blakely has moved from the pole to the wax station and vows that nothing will get between her and $250,000. She latches on to Chris (the guy from Emily’s season who couldn’t shoot a bow and arrow … not Our Host) to be her partner and becomes extremely possessive in a relatively short amount of time, considering the current playing field. She freaks out when Jamie sneaks off to make out with him in one of the 29 secret lairs of the mansion. Chris is stoked that two girls like him at once, Jamie bats her false eyelashes and Blakely threatens to donkey kick both of them in the throat before crying unnecessarily into the camera. Someone is over-tired.

Sarah
Season: Brad – The Original Recipe
I confused her for a super fan. Oops.

Jamie
Season: The Groban
You remember Jamie, right? She has a sweet spot for Crest whitening strips and full custody of her four younger siblings. Oh yeah. She’s also the kissing instructor and awkward lap dancer with her sights and false eyelashes set on Smarmy Chris.

Erica Rose
Season: The Prince
I’m convinced that her plastic surgeon father gives free nips and tucks with every season his daughter is invited to compete. Her slurred speech and watery gaze further back up my theory that she’s popping various pills behind the scenes. She compares the six fans to “the help.” I’d be willing to wager that no one has ever told her she is good, she is kind, she is important. Erica shuffles through the mansion making threats and promising retribution on anyone who tries to vote her off STD Island. Pulling at her hair extensions, she claims that there’s only one set of twins that can stay in the game … and they are hers. Don’t do drugs kids.

Jaclyn
Season: The Groban
Jaclyn is a buxom platinum blond and her favorite colors are short and tight. Blakely thinks they are BFF, but Jaclyn confirms that she would never affiliate with someone who waxes nether regions for a living, for SHE has a college degree. She’s the self-proclaimed resident mean girl who I identify more with the one from “Party of Five” whose Dad invented Toaster Strudel than the malicious Regina George. I bet she tries to make fetch happen at some point in the season.

Rachel
Season: The Groban
Rachel is the one who can’t stand various obstacles in the house. She can’t stand Blakely. She can’t stand the super fans. And she can’t stand the way her nose ring continues to get infected. She chastises the ABC Intern for not changing out the hot tub water, even though everyone knows not one of those jets were fired during Emily’s season. I miss One F.

Wonder Twins
Super Fans
In an interesting twist to season three of Bachelor Pad, Mike Fleiss has decided to add “Bachelor franchise fans” to join our “veterans” in the mansion. Twin sisters — who look no more than 16-years-old but claim to be a very legal 22 — actually confess that they’ve been watching the show FOREVER and are smitten with Our Host Chris Harrison. One can only assume that the babysitter let them stay up to watch the debauchery and eat raw cookie dough while the parents were celebrating date night back in the day, but that’s neither here nor there. The important thing to note on national television is that one twin is labeled virtuous while the other is not. That doesn’t keep them both from “pulling a Courtney” to go skinny dipping after winning the date challenge with fellow fan boy named David. Naturally, the franchise contestants hate the fans and have vowed to eliminate the Wonder Twins and their self proclaimed twinergy out the door next week when they don’t have immunity.

Paige
Super Fan
Paige is your typical super fan girl next door. Scared for his moral well-being, Reid immediately becomes attracted to her sweet, non-manipulative demeanor and strikes up an alliance. When the Doublemints win immunity (they are playing as a unit please put me out of my misery now), there are only two super fans left: Paige and the girl who wears a bikini 24/7. Sadly, Reid could not summon up enough cool points to keep his beloved from the rejection limo of doom and she is sent home.

Donna
Super Fan
Donna practically passes out when Our Host Chris Harrison introduces himself. Look, I get the fact that his pheromones are a force to be reckoned, and one could get lost in his piercing eyes and the precise fit of his debonair jacket could make a girl check all scruples at the door, but … where was I going with this? Oh right. Donna’s boobs. She announces that she’s ready to hook up and when Ed succumbs to the sweet nectar of his beloved brew by stripping down to his underwear for a swim, Donna peels off her skin tight dress and joins him in the grotto. Hugs not drugs kids.

Chris
Season: Emily
Smarmy. He’s just smarmy. He has the lowest self-esteem of any confident guy I know. He gets ticked at his partner Blakely for barging in on him while he’s trying to make Jamie’s speakers go boom boom. Of course he asked her permission before turning the knobs.

Ryan
Season: DDAHnna
I didn’t remember him then and I don’t remember him now.

Reid
Season: Jillian
I really liked Reid going in to the episode. He’s always been right up there with Roberto and Ames for me. But his friction with Ed was a little off-putting. As the night went on, I understood why Reid bristles at the sight of the man who stole Jillian’s heart from him. How can you not be repulsed when the girl you thought you loved chose the dude who is currently passed out halfway in the pool and halfway in the hot (cold) tub? Say nope to dope kids.

Kalon
Season: Emily
When Kalon drove up in his Porsche and handed Harrison the keys, I begged Our Host to immediately go and key the car. Naturally, Harrison is above such juvenile behavior and chooses to peel out in the freshly washed driveway,  making a break for the Hollywood Hills. Who cares if he signed up for this? Losing that many brain cells in such a short amount of time isn’t worth it. Back to Kalon. He hates Erica Rose and she hates him. I weep for the city of Houston.

Nick
Season: Ashley
Nick was the personal trainer who lasted all of 10 seconds in the first challenge of the season. The contestants had to pair up and squish themselves in the confines of a heart-shaped apparatus while Harrison tilted said apparatus back every two minutes. All of that toned muscle was just too heavy to handle as Nick dropped into the angry arms of his partner Erica.

Tony
Season: Emily
Tony is the one who couldn’t stand to be away from his son, so he left Emily in Prague to go be with him. Now he’s on the Bachelor Pad. Junior couldn’t be more proud.

The Stag
Season: Jillian
I will root for this guy until he finds true love. He is absolutely adorable in every way. All the girls love him and all the dudes are friends with him. As the reigning champ from last season, I’m unsure why he has returned to subject himself to such a wide plethora of communicable diseases, but I’m biting my tongue and looking forward to him and Lindzi to keep things relatively normal.

Ed
Season: Jillian
The Betty Ford Clinic is currently preparing a room for Ed as we speak. He didn’t even make it to the ubiquitous knife against the champagne flute as Harrison called the troops to the sunken living room for a general assembly before he was naked in the pool. Oh, how I longed for the infamous green shorty shorts. It was quite embarrassing when Our Host had to retrieve him from doing hand stands in the shallow end and promise him a vodka tonic just to get him back in the group huddle. The Wonder Twins wonder who invited the old guy to the frat party but Ed doesn’t mind. He’ll always have his best buddies: Jim, Jack, Johnny Red, Johnny Black and Jose.  You booze, you lose kids.

SWAT
Super Fan
Picture it: This fan is a SWAT guy who chases down perpetrators in broad daylight (thank goodness the ABC cameras were there to catch it all on tape) before adjourning to his home, changing into his comfy flannel pajamas, pouring a nice glass of Merlot, lighting a million candles and settling down for a nice evening of Bachelor watching frivolity. Even SWAT boys have a soft side. I was disappointed that his fellow fan boy won the immunity challenge, leaving a huge bullseye on the back of SWAT’s back because I really like the fact that Harrison and the gang never knew his real name. At least he has a sweet pic of Our Host for his Facebook profile.

David
Super Fan
David chose the Wonder Twins has his partner in the competition, but only one of them was allowed to squish into the heart apparatus with him. Since they were such tiny wee people, neither David nor the twin even flinched as the veterans were dropping like flies. He was stoked to go on a double date just like the contestants from days of yore. Since he’s safe from elimination, he makes a bold (read: dumb) move by telling Erica Rose that all of the fans are voting her off. Hell hath no fury like a tiara scorned.

What did you guys think? Is Erica Rose a good villain? Was Reid really in to Paige? Will Ed stay sober long enough to play the game for real? Did you feel like you lost IQ points for just watching the show? Sound off in the comment section.

All about the shame, not the fame,

Lincee

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