Bachelor in Paradise finale recap: Happily Evanly after

Bachelor in Paradise Finale Recap

It’s the end of the hot and humid road for these folks and boy, are they happy to leave Paradise for their exotic fantasy suites. Who cares if Our Host Chris Harrison’s entourage is bumping to the latest beats of the new Frank Ocean album in the Presidential floor right above them? This joint has AIR CONDITIONING. There’s so much cool air blowing that everyone has to wear waffle robes the morning after while they eat pineapple and discuss the possibility of a proposal later that day.

Some are confused. Others are not. We have no idea going in who will actually get down on one knee. Will Nick profess his love, only to be tortured by Jen’s refusal of marriage? Does Grant officially adopt the Grace couple name by putting a ring on it? Do the single parents hold off on this very big life-changing decision and introduce their significant others to their children before promising to love them forever?

Don’t be silly. This is Paradise, people. You go home engaged or you break up FOREVER. No amount of Jorge’s tears can change that. Here’s your breakdown:

E.D. and Carly
E.D. recites an original poem rhyming all his words with Carly. He never uses the word gnarly, which I feel is a major lyrical foul. He’ll have a lifetime to make it up to her because they are in L-O-V-E.

Neither Carly nor E.D. wear bras for the big moment. Carly admits that she knew E.D. was the one when she accompanied him to the hospital that time he faked a foot injury. Curse all the bunions of the world! E.D. fumbles through his lead-in with huge crocodile tears. I pray he doesn’t get a nose bleed. He eventually pulls it together and tells Carly that he wants to chase fairy tales with her. She compliments him for being fearless. Once she vows to die for him, E.D. gets down on one knee and asks Carly, “Will you freaking marry me?”

Carly agrees. E.D. can’t wait for the kids to meet their new Mommy. #blessed

Grant and Lace
Grant wakes up the morning after fantasy suites feeling “weird in a bad way.” He is concerned that he is just rolling the dice on this relationship. Lace begins to cry. This does not help the current state of her spider-leg eyelashes. “Why did we get tattoos?” — asked Lace and everyone watching the show.

Later that afternoon, Lace descends the steps down to the beach looking better than she has all season. Solid water pressure does wonders for her extensions. She tells Grant that she’s tired of running. It’s been him from the beginning, except for that one sordid night with The Chad.

Grant glistens in the sun like Edward Cullen, waiting for his turn. He tells Lace that he needs her in his world so life won’t be boring. He drops on one knee and asks Lace to marry him and she says yes!

Nick and Jen/Jennifer
We find Nick and Jen/Jennifer talking about peacocks the morning after. Either she’s talking about an actual peacock, or this particular innuendo flew right over my head. Jen tells Nick that she wants to leave Paradise holding hands forever. Um, that’s not allowed Jen. Unless, of course, there’s a Neil Lane ring on one very important finger, you can’t just leave holding hands. Unless holding hands is a euphemism for something else. I’m so confused.

Jen/Jennifer chooses a pink accordion skirt and belly shirt for her big proposal moment. She washes Nick in a sea of compliments, including the fact that he has chosen to be open and vulnerable by taking his guard down. “You’ve been through this before (twice) and here you are again! There’s so much potential here. I’m willing to fall if you’re willing to catch me!”

The thing is — he’s not. Nick begins to weep. He claims he’s a better person now that Jen/Jennifer is in his life, but he can’t get his heart and his head on the same page. Unfortunately, he must say good-bye. They leave the proposal staging area holding hands. I don’t think this is what Jen/Jennifer had in mind.

Josh and Amanda
Amanda wakes up with full makeup and perfect hair every morning. Her pink lipstick accentuates her darling black lacy two piece sleeping romper. She tells the camera that she’s not worried that Josh hasn’t met her daughters. This makes zero sense. All the hand holding must be clouding everyone’s judgement.

Amanda arrives on the beach in a fun tropical frock. Josh has already sweat through his shirt. She asks him to be a part of her life. He groans and thanks her. He didn’t know what true love was until he met her. He proposes and Amanda says yes! I hope they honeymoon somewhere cold because this dude is DRENCHED.


Carly and E.D. plan on moving in together in December. That’s when her rent is up. They are still in weird love with each other. They even have an official wedding hashtag #happilyevanafter, which is half the battle.

Lace moved in with Grant. They are shopping wedding dates. She cut her hair and looks way better.

Josh actually met Amanda’s kids! A picture is worth a thousand words:

It was all worth it #MyNewFamily 😍

A photo posted by Josh Allan Murray (@joshmurray11) on

Jen/Jennifer is over Nick and totally fine. So are her boobs. I know this because they made a rather big appearance on the after show.

Nick is our next bachelor. We all assumed he would profess his love to Jen before she tragically turned him down in a puddle of tears. He would walk away rejected with the rally cry that he does deserve love! That didn’t happen. What was the purpose of making the announcement LAST week? Inquiring minds…

Jared and Caila are no longer together.

Ashley I-Lashes is almost over Jared. Although she vowed to only cry three times in Paradise, the official count was 18.

Vinny and Izzy are supposedly NOT together. He has the Spring Break beach pictures to prove it.

The Twins and Damn Daniel are still available. Here’s hoping they bring all three in for commentary during Nick’s season. They can be the new Tara Lipinski and Johnny Weir!

Our Host Chris Harrison has officially closed down his timeshare and will soon be dropping bleach from the sky. After the Miss U.S.A. pageant on Sunday, he plans to take it easy for the next several months. #CallMe

And there you have it! Season 3 will go down in the books as one to remember. Who’s pumped for season 4? Who’ll make it down the aisle? Sound off in the comments section!

Thanks for watching with me! Make sure to come back if you are a Dancing with the Stars fan. I’ll be recapping this season!

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