Bachelor in Paradise: I love lamp and What’s His Name

Bachelor in Paradise: Episode 6

I’m not really sure what’s going on with Bachelor in Paradise casting. It’s like they sent out a mass Paperless Post to anyone who ever stepped across the threshold of the mansion. Why such a wide net, producers? This smattering of alumni is worse than the weeks leading up to the Olympics. Are the personalities we actually know not signing up for Paradise because they are afraid of catching something? The Zika Virus? Alcohol poisoning? Mononucleosis? Ashely I-Lashes delusions?

Speaking of Ash, she’s still crying over Jared not looooooovvvvvvviiiiiiinnnnngggggg heeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrr as much as shhhheeeeeeeee loooooooooovvvveees hiiiimmmmmmmm.

Life is so unfair.

Jared asks her why she came to Paradise? How is she supposed to get over him when he’s right there?

Duh, Jared. She had a well thought out plan:

Ash: I thought I would meet someone and like them better than you, but you are perfect, so that didn’t work out for me. I want to be with you. Forever.
Jared: I have been as blunt as I can. I do not like you romantically.
Ash: Not even a little bit? Look at this diaper bathing suit bottom! How can you turn away from that?

Jared pretends that he’s going to leave the island. This sends Ashley into a tailspin. She sidles up to the bar to drown her sorrows in double shots of tequila from Jorge’s special blend. This liquid courage fails to stifle the crying/sniffling/snorting hybrid sobs which provide an awkward soundtrack to Jared and Caila’s conversation on the other side of the jungle foliage that divides the bar with a semi-private sitting area.

Here’s a quick recap of where we are before the rose ceremony:

  • Ashley remains devoted to Jared. Clearly.
  • Jared is devoted to Caila. It’s new.
  • Caila is devoted to her hair care products. I would be too.
  • The Twins still know how to riverdance. Vegas, baby.
  • Josh loves pizza. Still sweaty.
  • Carly is into E.D. For real-ish.
  • E.D. is over the moon that his “fake illness” won Carly over. Bless.
  • Nick hearts Jen who used to be Jennifer.
  • Izzy and Vinny and Grant and Lace are old married couples.

Carly lets us know that Damn Daniel has the swing rose this week. His choices? Twins, Sarah or Ashley I-Lashes. Sarah bakes Daniel a cake for his “half-birthday.” Her cold diaphragm dress turns him on more than the empty carb gesture. Sarah warns Papa Bear not to do anything stupid. He just smiles. She is confident he will give her his rose. Kiss of death.

The Twins are nervous that they are going to get kicked out of Paradise. Twin commands Other Twin to march her royal blue dress over to Damn Daniel and TAKE ONE FOR THE TEAM by getting her flirt on. She also has to kiss the Canadian, eh? How else are they going to compete with a cake for crying out loud?

Other Twin isn’t having it. Twin goes into Alpha mode and bullies her sister with declarations that she won’t die kissing him, she’s not going to catch anything (#doubtful) and she needs to do this or she’s never going to talk to her again in their secret language.

It works. Other Twin heads over to Damn Daniel and straight up lies. She tells him she’s interested in him, that she would invite him on a date if she had the chance and then she plants one on his lips to prove that she means business.

Damn Daniel makes his final round. He finds Ashley I-Lashes crying in the bushes and somehow manages to circle the inevitable Jared conversation back around to her virginity. His info session is so crude that ABC has to superimpose “STAND BY” title slides as he walks the viewer through the proper way to deflower Ash. The only thing we hear is, “That’s aboot it.”

I’ve never been more happy to see a “STAND BY” title in my life. It may have passed the black modesty box in order of importance for me.

ROSE CEREMONY
Our Host Chris Harrison arrives looking like the only reason he even flies to Paradise is for Jorge’s morning mimosas and the private golf club 10 minutes away. He’s a mirage of himself. It’s clear that Hare is D-O-N-E with these yahoos. He stands there as all the couples give each other roses, including Jared giving his to Caila. He doesn’t even crack a smile when Damn Daniel announces that the Twins will be staying in Paradise over Sarah and Ashley I-Lashes.

Sarah says her good-byes, ignores Damn Daniel and leaves in the rejection SUV. Ashley I-Lashes says her good-byes, sobs over Jared and gets into the rejection SUV, but doesn’t technically leave. Instead, she touches up her makeup, walks back into the middle of the champagne toast circle and asks the remaining lovers to decide right then and there if she can stay because she is totally over Jared.

Yes. This makes sense. I feel her decision was built entirely on a solid foundation of alcohol, inappropriateness, lack of sleep and future plans for wild shenanigans. Let’s do this.

The Twins are the first to agree to Ashley’s plan. So is Amanda. Izzy and Vinny give in to the pressure too and it’s Jared who chimes in last that this is a great idea.

Caila wonders out loud to the camera, “I know she says she’s no longer in love, but that was three hours ago.” Indeed, Caila. Nick follows with a noble piece of advice directly from his mouth to Ashley’s non-listening ears: “Be your best self the rest of the time you’re here, okay?”

Yes, Ash. Stay strong. I whisper the same thing to my WIFI every day.

With this new dawn and new day, new strangers wander down the stairs into Paradise. A tattoo’d firefighter named Carl is the first to arrive. He’s from Andi’s season, yet Josh and Nick have zero recollection. This calls for a little digging in the IHGB archives:

Carl-720x370

I’m going to assume Carl’s lips are a natural pink pigment at all times because according to this guy’s answers, he’s pretty MANLY with a slight “in touch with his feminine side” mixed in for good measure. He’s a firefighter but he knows Banksy. He has a bulldog but his favorite flower is a lotus. He enjoys working out but he once burnt a roast on a date. And he’s confident enough to wear a hoodie from Nick Miller’s closet.

Nick

That’s about all I have on the dude. Almost immediately, everyone forgets his name. Twin thinks Kevin is fine with a capital F. Who cares that he wears jorts? His eyes match his shirt! Who cares that he’s an old man in his 30s? She loves shoes, booze and boys with tattoos. He asks her out and she says yes.

Moments later, Brett, the hairstylist from Andi’s season, meanders down carrying a lamp. You remember Brett, right? Here’s a snipped from night one:

Brett
Why you remember him:
Upon discovering that he was a hair stylist, you hoped that his icebreaker would be to grab the young skater boy and give him a makeover, but no such luck. He was the tall one with the bow tie who never greets a lady empty handed. So he stole a floor lamp from the Best Western and awkwardly handed it to her. There was no funny quip. No, “You light up my life” or “Wanna turn me on?” Amateur. Look Vidal, if you’re going to go big, you have to go all the way.
Status: Rose

The ladies all group together to talk about Brett’s good looks.

Amanda: He’s really cute.
Izzy: YES HE IS.
Carly: He wears jeans and sandals.
Izzy: YES HE DOES.
Lace: Ew.

The guys group together so they can talk about who has formed a connection already. Josh claims Amanda and someone claims Izzy on behalf of Vinny who wasn’t invited to the party. Everyone else is sort of wishy washy, including Jared. Brett is excited because he came to Paradise to meet Caila. Ashley I-Lashes makes this potential union her new mission in life.

Brett asks Caila to go on his double date with Creed and Twin. She agrees. Everyone wants to gasp, but they feel sort of stupid because this “relationship” is barely a ship. Instead, they watch the drama unfold like the Young and the Roseless.

Caila leaves Brett to talk to Jared for a moment.

Jared: I don’t want you to go on this date. I want you to stay here with me.
Caila: Can you please clarify your feelings?
Jared: I feel that I just did. I feel that you should not go.
Caila: I want to clarify my feelings.
Lincee: Here. You can borrow my feeling stick.
Jared: Okay. Do what’s best for you. I will support your decision.
Caila: I feel unsure.
Jared: About us?
Caila: About my feelings.
Lincee: Hold the stick harder.
Jared: Maybe you should go if you don’t know…about us.
Caila: Okay. I’ll go. If you’re sure.
Jared: Huh?

Caila makes her way back over to Brett to tell her that she’s NOT going even though she just told Jared she WAS going. Brett is devastated, but not as much as Ashley I-Lashes. Caila invites Brett to take a walk so they can discuss the fact that deciding to be indecisive is a decision.

Caila: Let’s go on this date. I want to go!
Brett: Excellent!
Caila: Wait. No. I’m sorry. I can’t.
Brett: Why? You’re the reason I came here!
Caila: Okay! Let’s do this! I’ll go.
Brett: Good!
Lincee: Wait for it…
Caila: No. I changed my mind. Wait. I am going.
Ashley: Are we sure?
Carly: This is awkward.
Nick: Every day I’ve been in Paradise has been awkward.
Lincee: Now that’s how you use a feeling stick!

Ashley I-Lashes is stoked that Caila ended the madness by going out with Brett. Now she has an entire afternoon to talk trash about “the back stabbing whore” to Jared so he can go ahead and start falling in love with her. It’s the perfect plan.

Over on a party boat, Twin and Cameron are quick to grind each other on the dance floor, while Caila rejects Brett’s lap advances at every turn. Brett reads the signals. Caila looks afraid, timid and completely out of her comfort zone. She’s not vibing him at all. He knows this because she starts talking bout Jared during their third round of shots. Caila tells the camera she made a huge mistake.

When the double date participants return, Caila all but runs up to Jared and throws her arms around him. They excuse themselves and she confesses that she should have stayed behind to spend the day with Jared instead of the dude who travels with a lamp. They make out just in time for Ashley I-Lashes to walk around the corner to see them. (Read: she was eavesdropping.) Ashley takes to the sea to sort out her feelings.

Meanwhile, Brett chooses to get to know Other Twin who totally throws Damn Daniel under the bus. While they chat each other up, another stranger wanders up to the camp fire on the beach. Look! It’s Ryan from Kaitlyn’s season!

No one knows this dude. Not even Kent. He tells the camera that he’s best known for not being remembered. He’s a normal guy with bad jokes who wants to make some memories. This old man is 33-years-old and needs someone to give him the 4-1-1 on what’s been happening on the island. He asks his good buddy Jared, who was also on Kaitlyn’s season, to help him out. The ABC Intern whispers “Ryan” when Jared gives the signal asking, “Who’s this dude again?”

Jared quickly instructs the Silver Fox that he should totally go after Ashley I-Lashes. Good call, Jared. Convenient and smart. Well played. Unfortunately, Ryan quickly figures out that Ash is cray and goes after Other Twin. Damn Daniel is mad, but he can get over it. This twin can’t talk to him right now. She has to pick out the perfect outfit to go horseback riding!

One silk red and black piece of lingerie and a pair of Chuck Taylor’s later, Other Twin is well on her way to a nice case of crotch rot as she gallivants around Mexico on a horse with Ryan. Love is in the air. Later, the smell of Laminal will be in the air.

Since we haven’t heard from the old boring couples in a while, ABC agrees to let Grant treat Lace to a couples massage, followed by a nice dip in a non-bubbling Jacuzzi. Over sparkling glasses of champagne, he tells Lace that he loves her. She doesn’t say it back. Instead, she asks him why he loves her so much?

Grant: The way you smile. The way you open and care with your whole heart. Watching you with Chad those first 12 hours of Paradise really solidified that for me.

Awwwww. So sweet.

Then there’s Izzy and Vinny. Bless Vin’s heart, Izzy has developed a major crush on the lamp guy. If she could create a perfect man, it would be him. She feels guilty that Brett gives her butterflies, but shouldn’t she explore that? This attraction is giving her doubts about her relationship with Vinny.

Izzy tests the waters first by actually talking to Brett. She even admits that she has the hots for him and he admits back that he’s totally into her. Izzy leaves Brett to tell Vinny the sad news. She wants the barber to know that she has feelings for the hairstylist.

Vinny did not see that coming. He’s upset that she’s willing to throw everything away for a 10-minute conversation with a guy who doesn’t shave his clients. She understands, but doesn’t want to live a lie either.

Vinny decides to leave Paradise, but at the bro meeting that morning, all the dudes recommend that he have one last conversation with Izzy before throwing in the towel. Nick thinks that he needs to give Izzy a chance to say she’s sorry. Vin agrees and waits around for Izzy to finish applying her eyebrows before they have a chat.

TO BE CONTINUED…

What do you think? Will Vinny stay as a Bachelor in Paradise? Does Vidal Brett win Izzy over? Will Cade figure out which twin he dry humped? Sound off in the comments section!

Photo By: ABC.com

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